Nice Day for a Weight Wedding....

Not Exactly Good Bye - More Like See Ya Later

2011-07-17T17:38:00.000-04:00

I'm saying sayonara to this blog and heading on over to my new pad: Does My Butt Make This Blog Look Fat??

Please come visit my new journey at http://buttfatblog.blogspot.com/

Thanks for reading!!!!

Clearing the slate....

2011-06-29T11:07:00.001-04:00

I feel like my perpetual go-to phrase as of late has become - "where did the time go?" I am feel waves of shock and horror knowing that it is the end of June and my well intended plans of getting into shape this summer are quickly slipping through the ever-expanding cracks of time.
I'm quite familiar with the quip "time flies when you're having fun" but if that's true, then time should technically be standing still for me right now. In other words, there really hasn't been much fun to be had around here since my summer classes kicked in. Last Saturday was the first in a long series of anti-social Saturdays where we actually went out and enjoyed ourselves with friends. I was beginning to forget what mingling with outsiders felt like. Being cooped up inside, with my head buried in a textbook, separated from friends, is so not who I am, or what I am all about. The fact that we haven't thrown a party here yet this summer speaks volumes to the amount of things we have going on.
I cannot wait until things settle down a bit and we get our lives back.
During this past month, I have dedicated an incredible amount of time to my school work, and feel as though I have neglected myself in the process. There has not been much of a conscious effort made in promoting weight loss through healthy eating or exercise, although I do dedicate an enormous amount of time thinking about it. If only the pounds would drop through mental telepathy, I'd be golden!
I'm not going to consider this a complete wash however, because along with this thinking, I've been doing more research in the way of healthy recipes, exercise information, and of course, weight loss blogs from people who have successfully lost close to or over 100 lbs. I am beyond inspired and have taken much away from each of their stories - especially the reoccurring theme that there is no magic behind weight loss - and relatively speaking, diets that are too restrictive do not work long term.
Of course, I know this already but it is comforting to hear the words of those that have trudged this path before me that it can be done, and small changes do add up to big results. Patience needs to become a friend though this journey. Without it, frustration will prevail and failure is sure to follow.
I have decided that I am not going to continue with this old blog any longer, but will start fresh with a new one. It's time for a clean slate, a new format and some serious accountability about this weight loss venture. I have been struggling horribly and I feel like I have used this particular blog as more of a venting board than anything. It's been a diary of sorts, but often I skirted the issues surrounding my weight problem with excuses, excuses and more excuses. I am not sure where I thought that was going to get me....
The light is at the end of the tunnel - I can see it....I have two whole months to dedicate entirely to me. This is a gift - a firm launching pad for me to jump from and start this venture with strong determination and a clear head.
I am more than ready.
My new blog will be launched July 1st. The name is TBD but here is the premise so far:
I am giving myself 100 weeks to lose 100 lbs.
In this blog, I will have the following:
Daily posts - even if I just pop in to say hello and say what kind of day I'm having
Weekly goals/challenges
Healthy Recipes
Weekly weigh ins
Before pictures
Weekly/Monthly photo updates
Monthly measurements

Not sure what else......

I will be sure to post the new blog address as soon as I have it worked out....Until then, Happy Summer!

Back from the brink...

2011-06-14T08:00:00.002-04:00

So yesterday's post was pretty freaking depressing, wasn't it?
I can't really apologize for it because it was how I was feeling at the time. Fatville is an odd place to live, and if you've never resided here, it might be hard for somebody to understand the huge swing in emotions that can occur from day to day....Sometimes I can deal with "being here" but for the most part I can't, and my blog posts reflect that. I sort of think of it as being stuck in a lease on a living space (my body) that I can't immediately get out of....but I do know that eventually that lease will be up and I can move on.
Yesterday it felt like I just told the landlord I am on my way out.....so now all I need to do is ride this lease out until I am free. It sounds kind of weird but hey, this is how my brain works. I am the queen of analogies!
I finally figured out how to post my weight stats (so much easier than I thought - duh!) so I will have a running tally going forward. Mostly likely I will do this on a weekly basis - or at least that's what I tell myself now. But I may do it more frequently, just to keep me accountable. I posted my weight again today because I was happy that I dropped 1 1/4 lbs since yesterday. 235 was SUCH an ugly number, I about cried. But it did force me to re-evaluate what the hell I was doing and I feel much better about the direction I am heading in today.
I have also been thinking (once again) about changing the name of the blog, or basically starting a brand new blog for this NEW commitment to weight loss.....I sort of hate to do it since this blog has my long history of trying to lose weight on it. But in a way, the blog title no longer pertains to my situation since I have gotten married and am in a new phase of life and maybe I need to start fresh.....(plus it reminds me that my journey from fat to fabulous before my big wedding day? Uh, it didn't exactly go down quite as planned....). Any thoughts from the peanut gallery on this one?
I'll mull it over a little while longer I guess unless someone wants to "weigh in" on what they think I should do...
Anyway, that's really all I have for now. Just wanted to confirm that I have not stuck my head in the gas oven or slept in my car with the motor running and garage door closed. These would be impossibilities for two reasons. First of all, we don't have a gas oven or a garage, and second, I really do love life more than anything and would never even consider such a horrendous act against myself. I just want to feel good about myself again. I just want to feel normal for a change. Is that so wrong?

Fighting the ememy within....

2011-06-13T15:51:00.001-04:00

How many times can a person start over without sounding like a broken record? Make that a broken record that's cried wolf one too many times.....
Even I am sick and tired of listening to the voices in my head saying "this is the day you will begin again...this is the day you will stick to your plan forever." And then, in like the next 10 minutes, I'm shoving my face with nachos and chocolate as if the promise I made was for somebody else....
I completely ignore any goal I have set for myself and chalk it up to, "Well, there's always tomorrow."
Except one day, there won't be a tomorrow. I will be so far gone that I will consider it impossible to reverse the damage I've done.....It will be one big fat friggin' ugly ass mess that I won't be able to clean up.
I really do not want to get to that stage, but I feel like I am already losing myself within this suffocating shell and I am so embarrassed that I want to just shut myself off from everyone.
It's already an uncomfortable place to be. I just don't want it to get any worse. But as I stepped on the scale this morning, I realized...it's getting worse.
It's no big secret that I haven't been myself lately. And really, it's no wonder. My weight (the highest EVER today) has put me in such a funk that all I can do is envision myself spiraling out of control in some dark abyss that appears to have no way out. The more I think about, the more anxious I become about it, and I find myself doing the one thing that got me here in the first place - I eat. And as I eat, I'm thinking about the fact that I shouldn't be eating what I am eating, and it just feels very much dysfunctional and unhealthy. Something has changed in me for the worse.
This time, it's bad. I have never felt this way before, and frankly it's a little scary.
But I know that there is a way out....I have seen other people get there. And I don't need special permission or a ticket to get there.....it is within my grasp.
Today started with a walk...I haven't done that in a few weeks and it felt good to get outside and do something for myself other than homework. I then went on CalorieCount.com and created a profile and set up my weight loss goals. I set a calorie limit of 1270 calories a day.....this is the plan.
However, it's only 3:32 PM and I only have about 400 calories left today.
I think I'm going to need to start eating a lot smarter.
I'll let you know how that goes.....it's a learning process. I may have lost weight in the past, but I feel like this time, it's a whole new beast to slay.
In this process, I'm trying to clear my head of all of the negative clutter I have going on up there right now. I remind myself that things, aside from the weight issue are damn good.
It's the vanity in me that has really gotten me down. I used to work in fashion for Christ sakes....now the only thing I am comfortable wearing are track pants and a T-shirt.
It's horrifying.
But I digress... (see how easily I can do that???)
I also need to remind myself that I can do things I never thought I could. And that includes weight loss. What I am realizing lately (especially with this math class I am taking) is that I CAN do the hard stuff. It may not be easy for me, but I do not have to be a failure!
Case in point, we took our second quiz on Thursday and I was relatively confident I had bombed it, especially after talking to some of my classmates after the test. When grades were finally posted today, I saw that I got a 90%. That is a solid B+. I am achieving what I thought I couldn't do in this class, and I need to apply the same philosophy to my weight loss.
In short, I am just so damn tired of letting myself down in this area of my life. It is the one thing in my life at which I have not succeeded, but it is the thing I have wanted to succeed at the most.
That's a bitter pill to swallow.
BUT - I know I have it in me....I know I am stronger than this struggle.
I am not giving up.

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Christopher Robin

Does Not Compute!

2011-06-06T12:32:00.000-04:00

It feels like I have been away from Blogland forever. This is always an indicator of how life is going for me while in hiatus mode. For the most part it means that I am busy as hell and have been eating like shit.
I can safely say, this is accurate on both accounts. Once again I am letting the stresses of life take their toll. And by stresses, I mean summer school, particularly. I'm taking two classes this summer - one that is especially daunting because it's math. Math and I don't get along. Learning alegbra and learning Chinese are one in the same to me. Both immensely difficult, and both seemingly impossible. However, learning Chinese would probably benefit me more in my elementary teaching career than algebra ever will. And yet each Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evenings from 6:00 -8:05 from May 19 - June 30, suffering through college algebra is my life.....
I shouldn't be complaining. I don't work and going to school has been my only real "job" since early 2009. Even still, I bitch about this class because by far it has been the hardest class I have had to date. The only one where I can say - I really don't get it....and that is a personal failure to me on some level (even though the final grade doesn't even count towards my graduate GPA because it is a pre-req class - I just need to pass).
I received the first B of my graduate school career last week on a test I took in algebra. Albeit, I received a 91%, but I am so much harder on myself this go-around with school than I ever was during my booze soaked days during my undergrad years.
Ah, maturity!
What I want to know is how I can be so hard on myself about my grades but not about my eating or exercise habits? What gives? I know I can be a hard ass about things - but for whatever reason, sticking to a diet plan isn't one of them. And although the math that proves diet + exercise = weight-loss is much easier to understand than my current algebra homework, I'm still not computing that either. (Sigh).
It's officially summer (as far as I'm concerned) and my recent trip the beach recently had me reeling because my body is, well, obviously less than ready for it. There are no big surprises here. After all, I have done nothing to prepare myself for bathing suit season. Fritos do not a beach body make, if ya know what I mean. A beached body, perhaps. But not a beach-body. As in beach-ready. I am not, in fact, ready for any kind of thigh or upper arm baring, yet the weather report tells me that Mother nature is indeed ready, so I best just put on my big-girl pants (and they are freaking BIG these days) and deal with it.
So, here it is.... another summer has arrived with a closet full of clothes that doesn't fit and I'm sitting here on my ass, ignoring the only solution to fix it.
I'm so tired of making excuses that I won't even go there today. I just can't.
I need to save whatever brain power I have left for that damn math class.

Let's try this again......

2011-05-21T09:44:00.000-04:00

I don't want to get my hopes up but the sun is actually shining this morning (hallelujah!) and already I feel like a completely different person from yesterday. I realize that as of late, I have been more than a wee bit "doom and gloom" and I know I desperately need to work on that. I used to be so happy, but this being fat thing has really gotten the best of me. Negativity breeds negatively, and boy have I cornered the market on being Debbie Downer for quite some time. Is it any wonder the scale has been stalled at that ugly 230's number for months? I haven't done jack shit to change it.
But today, despite the forecast for rain later this evening, I am going to make a conscious effort to keep my chin up and make it a good day....and that means being on top of what I jam in my mouth.....trust me, I understand the past two nights of tacos, ice cream, and wine haven't done much to improve my situation. God, that doesn't even sound good when I write it....
But really, I can't just blame the tacos. Or the ice cream. Or the wine. It's all me. I haven't exercised beyond the walk here and there with Josh. As a mater of fact, I even skipped it today because I was working on homework this morning. I have become so good at making excuses about not exercising that even Josh has given up trying to persuade me that I need to do it. It's not worth the aggravation.
This, too, is all on me.
But looking outside today gives me hope, and of course reading others blogs also inspires me. There are so many people out there DOING IT...LOSING...TAKING CONTROL....I used to be one of those people and then something just happened.
I quit.
I haven't pin-pointed why that happened last year after the wedding but I have theories. It is obvious that my dysfunctional relationship with food was never truly dissolved. I never learned how to let go of all the things that got me here in the first place. I still think of food as comfort, and I still somehow have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to eat what I want. Oh, what a fucking fallacy that is!
It's May already....well, it's almost the end of May, really. Summer is just about here and I know that this year I will not be embracing having to go through my summer clothes once again to rummage and find the few items that still fit. I have thought about this moment months ago; I have begged and pleaded with myself to make a change, and yet here it is.....truth time.
And the truth is, I need to start over.
Clean Slate.
New Beginning.
Today.

Rain, rain...you suck!

2011-05-20T09:54:00.002-04:00

I am struggling....
Struggling with lack of motivation...struggling with guilt because I am unmotivated...struggling with berating myself for this lack of motivation....just your typical plain old struggling - except it feels kind of hard core. I don't feel like myself.
It has been raining for what feels like weeks on end. Yes, there have been intermittent bursts of what some might call sunshine, but for the most part April and May have been one gigantic annoying soak-fest. Meanwhile, Texas is in some horrific drought right now. What gives?
While there are no rain drops falling from the sky at this particular second, they are sure to come today. I have checked and re-checked the forecast. In the next 10 days, only Monday shows any chance for a day without rain.
Mother Nature must be going through "the change". It's really the only excuse for this kind of shit.
I have whined and complained about how rainy days are super unmotivating for me, so to have 2 months jam packed with this type of weather has done little to kick my working out or healthier eating plan into gear.
However, I realize that is my fault, and my fault only. This is quite possibly the worst excuse I could have for not working out INSIDE MY HOME or trying to be a more conscious eater. Rain does not excuse bad behavior. It just doesn't. I know lots of people who push past those lame excuses (which I acknowledge it is) and just get their asses moving.
For them, shedding the fat wins out over inclement weather every time. I wish I was one of those people. Maybe some day I will be, but right now? It doesn't appear that I am. I have a dark cloud hanging over me, and it's not just the one outside right now...and I want it gone.
I know one part of it is that I have to get this room, my office space and one-time spare bedroom (which is being converted into a home gym) organized. Right now my treadmill is acting as hanger for my clean laundry and the seat of the recumbant bike has text books piled on it. The elliptical machine is jammed into a corner which is not conducive for exercise. How convenient.
So here's my plan....maybe this weekend, if I get my homework out of the way I can start to get this place in shape....and then maybe, just maybe, me getting in shape will follow suit.

When "the end" isn't near enough....

2011-05-04T10:42:00.007-04:00

I should be emitting a huge sigh of relief right about now. Yesterday marked the end of another semester, inching me ever closer to my masters degree and a new teaching career. But it's hard to feel relief when other things are still hanging over me akin to the grey and dreary sky that is apparent outside today.
I still have the following academic hurdles to jump before the end of this semester truly feels like the "end":

Complete 30 hours of class observation before the end of May
Suffer through a 3-night a week Pre-Calc class that begins mid-May and runs through June 30
Take another class (Introducing the Arts across the Curriculum) that will occupy 2 full Friday/Saturday/Sunday blocks of my time in June. Of course one of those full day classes falls on Josh's 40th birthday. How pissed am I about that? I'll tell you. I'M VERY FREAKING PISSED.
Complete a full detailed write up of my two observations once this second one is completed.
Take the Praxis II exam....and start thinking about studying for and taking the 3rd Praxis, while I'm at it.

But... I have to trudge on through and Just. Get. This. Shit. Done.
And then maybe, just maybe, I will finally breathe that sigh of relief......but for now, I'm still very much in school mode. And it sucks balls.
Today is the only day of reprieve since I will be doing my first 2 days of my second observation tomorrow and Friday and then will be preparing for a Mother's Day/Dad's b-day celebration we are having here on Sunday with both Josh's parents and my family. The house is a wee tad messy right now and while I should be channeling my inner Cinderella and scrubbing every surface til it shines, I'm sitting here avoiding these necessary duties like the plague (as I do with anything I find remotely distasteful). If you haven't caught on by now, I'm here to tell you, "Avoidance" is my middle name.
It's raining again today (all day) so of course that meant no morning walk, no start-to-my-day rejuvenation in the sun. Instead, I'm feeling a sense of sleepy laziness that makes me want to crawl back under the covers and take a long winter's nap. Unfortunately, that won't be happening.
I have to attend a family meeting at the facility where my grandmother is staying for her rehab. We are meeting with her case worker to discuss options, but my mom and I have already mulled it over it, and we feel it might be best to simply honor my Gram's wishes and allow her to try living back at her own home again. But it's good to get some additional information should we go for the assisted living route, hence the meeting with the case worker today at 1:30.
Afterward I need to go to the mall to buy an outfit for tomorrow (and let me just say how much I do NOT look forward to shopping for clothing right now), buy a baby gift, and hopefully I can squeeze in a pedicure before heading to the paint store with Josh to choose colors to paint the exterior of our house. My toes are an absolute abomination at the moment and I should be horrified at the fact I have been running around with them exposed in flip flops and sandals as of late, but really? I have had much bigger fish to fry to really give a significant rat's ass. However, since making a good impression on my mentor teacher is important for tomorrow, I figure I better get these gnarly chipped turquoise polished bear claws under control.
Somewhere in there I also need to arrange a date between the chicken that's been marinating for two day in my fridge and my grill.....(and should also think about making better friends with my elliptical machine, but there's always tomorrow, I guess).
The long and short of it is that it will be a busy end, not just to the week, but also to the semester, which although considered officially "over" by the college's calendar, certainly isn't over by my own personal one.
Hmmm...maybe all of this "busy" will keep my mind off of food for a change.
Hey, weirder things have been known to happen.
Yesterday's weight: 228.25
A step in the right direction (even if it was stress induced).
Only 98.25 more "steps" to go.

Wipe the drool off your chin and just walk away.....

2011-04-28T10:19:00.002-04:00

Staring out the window at a grey, rain-filled sky has become such the norm lately, I am often surprised when I see anything else through the glass. For all the gloominess and precipitation we've had here over the past month or so, I may as well be living in Seattle. No surprises today, though - it's raining (!) and is forecasted to do so all day, adding in severe lighting and thunder just to spice things up a bit. How happy am I that I have an hour's drive to class this evening?!
The sky right now is quite ominous looking and the wind is picking up so I don't doubt that in a minute or two I will be running for all of the open windows, slamming them shut as the heavens unleash the next round of flood waters. I am SO sick of this weather. I'm pretty sure I have mentioned this in ALL of my recent posts...
Where is spring? Where is the sun????? I need the sun to help lift my spirits. This thing with my Gram is really difficult to deal with and accept. She is in rehab now at what is considered a very nice facility (many of them are scary and depressing looking). They also have an assisted living facility that (fingers crossed) she may be able to go into but we really won't know what all of our options are until after we have a family meeting with her case worker on Wednesday of next week. I went with my mom to a few places yesterday and I nearly wanted to cry. People in wheel chairs staring into space, their faces slack-jawed and vacant. That is not my Gram. She is still very much "with it" and has not lost her sense of humor. With the exception of blurry eyesight, some hearing loss, and slight unsteadiness on her feet, she is in far better shape than many of the people I saw yesterday. And these people are no where near her incredible 96 years of age.
So, not surprisingly, I have been a little depressed, and a little stressed and all of this combined makes me want to do the thing I do best, which is grab the nearest piece of cake or pie and have my way with it.
Yesterday was especially tough and all throughout the day, I felt myself breaking down, that will to be "good" diminishing with every passing hour. Thankfully, the voice of reason made an appearance and won over. Even when, at 4:15, I arrived at Wegmans completely and utterly FAMISHED (all I had to eat all day was a banana) and found the following waiting for me upon my entry to the store:

FOUR shopping carts filled with discounted Easter candy. And not just any Easter candy - I'm talking 100% drool-inducing Zitner's Buttercream Eggs. In big egg and little egg varieties. Oh, hell YES.

After I said a few silent "holy shits," I approached one of the carts slowly and gently picked up the large box housing a single beautiful chocolate covered egg. What I did next I can guarantee you that the other individuals hoarded around this cart did not do. Knowing full well this act would probably put the kibosh on any car ride home Easter candy consumption, I still turned over the box to look at the nutritional information. And I am happy that I did, because even though I of course KNOW those eggs are from straight from the devil's candy making factory, I'm not sure I realized the full extent of JUST how evil they actually are. You would have thought the box was covered in poop stank the way I threw it back in the cart, snorting my disgust, and then again silently giving myself a big "atta girl" for walking way from such a tempting mountain of Makemefeelbetterbutonlytemporarily food.
But the candy carts were the least of my worries. It's not a joke when they tell you never to go to a grocery store hungry.
To whomever initially figured out that bit of well intended advice and passed it along, I have one thing to say - Brava! It is sooooo damn true. Every aisle, every corner, every rack, shelf or kisosk called my name. I was conjuring recipes in my head with every turn of my cart. But the real challenge presented itself when I called Josh to ask him if I should buy some dessert. Seriously????? Yes, I did. It's not like I was calling to ask his permission if I could buy something - but I wanted him to give me the green light to eat something bad because my internal Food Chaperon was yelling at me not to and I wanted to tell her to fuck off because my husband said it was OK to buy something bad and, after all, I respect his opinion. One thing I know about my husband is that he will support me in anything I do. He will give me anything I need. He is a nurturer and wants nothing more than to see me happy. I knew he'd say, "Sure - go ahead!" But instead he asked me: "Well, do you want dessert?"
Ugh - what kind of question is that?
This was especially annoying because I just so happened to be standing in front of a Wegmans peanut butter pie. It was practically jumping into my cart all on it's own, it was as sure as I was that Josh was going to say yes.
I had to do some quick thinking. If I let the depressed, sad, stressed and hormonal Rochelle answer, I knew the answer to his question would be a resounding "Is the pope Catholic????!!!!!" That peanut butter pie would have been nestled, all snug in my cart in two seconds flat.
However, if I let the rational, reasoning, dieting Rochelle answer, who was trying desperately to hang onto whatever thread of will power there was left, I knew the answer would be "No, no - absolutely not".....Ok, I'm exaggerating - it probably would have more like a "Um, I guess not."
So instead I just said, "How about if I surprise you?" because that seemed like a good way to get out of having to make a snap decision.
In the end, I chose 100 calorie Fudgesicles and left the store with a sense of satisfaction. My cramps and hormones wouldn't allow me to leave without some form of chocolate, so I felt this was an acceptable compromise. Portion control on a stick....and no caloric apocalypse. Yey me.
I'm taking these small "victories" to heart. I am trying to keep my liquid intake up and calories down. I am trying to eat mindfully as much as possible. Do I always succeed? No. Will I get there? Yes.
I just want to get through the next week which will mark the end of another semester and getting that much closer to a new career. And hopefully some decisions will be ironed out as far as my Gram is concerned. Each day brings challenges but hey, that's life. I better get used to it.

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.
~Doug Firebaugh

Break down in order to break through?

2011-04-21T10:31:00.004-04:00

I had a good cry today...

Many of the tears shed were for my 96 year old grandmother who is back in the hospital for the second time in less than 2 months and is facing the real possibility of being put into a home after so many years of living independently. It is a hard decision for my mom to make and it is killing my family - but worst of all, I feel it will kill my grandmother, literally. She has always been very proud of the fact that she has lived on her own and for the most part has been relatively self-sufficient in that she still cooks for herself, is able to get around with only the occasional use of a cane and still seems to have all of "her faculties" - a term she uses to refer to still having her wits about her. She is an inspiration to us all and to see this happening to her is devastating for my family. I wish there was something I could do - I feel completely helpless and I know my mom does too. But sadly, my mother cannot take care of her. She tried this after the last bout in the hospital and discovered just how difficult it was. Not to mention she already has two "man-children" (my dad and brother) living at home that she caters to (this is a whole other story) and she herself is in desperate need of knee replacement surgery so it's hard enough for her to get around without the extra responsibility and challenges of having to care for a 96-year old.

My husband is a saint and I don't know what I would do without him. He is the voice of reason in this relationship. Where as I can't seem to turn off my emotions, he approaches these tough life obstacles with logic and realism. He is willing to take my grandmother in. He is willing to give up his beloved living room space (which doubles as his office) for the sake of grandmother. He comes up with solutions that shows just how much he cares. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I won't know more until I talk to my mom later today. She has a meeting with someone from Medicare to explain to her the process of getting my grandmother situated in a home, but I want to talk to my mom about some other options. We do have a guest bedroom here...might we really be able to keep her here with us? I don't know....All I do know is that the thought of her being put into some facility is beyond depressing. I do not think she would last long if it truly comes to this.

And in coming to this realization, I cried for her - for what this hospitalization means this time around and for her loss of independence. I am so truly sad for her.

In times like these, it is wonderful to have the support of those that are closest to you. I called Sheryl at 7:20 this morning to share my sad news, and to talk. And yes, to cry. She knows my Gram from way back when we were teenagers. I talked, she listened. I cried.

Somewhere in the course of the conversation, the subject switched from my Gram to me. I suppose I really needed to vent. However, as of late the only thing I really feel the need to vent about is my weight. It was at that point when I realized that some of my tears were for me, too.

Maybe it's odd, but I'm not one of those people that cry very often about being fat. Of course there are times that I have, but it isn't frequent - maybe because I have just accepted being fat as a part of who I am. And who cries over "who they are"? However, I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Not just thinking....but true soul searching. It's probably the reason I have been a little depressed these past few weeks because when you start to ask yourself the hard questions, you often get answers that do not come easily, but when they do, they are quite often pretty raw and more than a tad unkind. At least that is the case for me - when I finally get truly, whole-heartedly and unapologetically honest with myself. And when the brutal honesty comes, the emotions come with it. And talking about all of this today with Sheryl was emotional - in every way. Hence, the bawl-fest.

The truth is, I am tired. So very fucking tired of looking and feeling this way. But again, I found myself asking about the concept of hitting that "rock bottom" - wondering if anyone - ANYONE - could answer when that "click", that slap in the face, that "a-ha moment," was going to happen to me. I have been reading as many weight-loss blogs as I can lately, trying to find those posts where the writer tells their story about that moment when they just knew this was it - it was their time to succeed. Sometimes it's a picture, sometimes it's a comment either from family or even a perfect stranger, sometimes it's just a slow and steady process that takes years of making small changes until one day - BAM - they are 100 lbs lighter. As I said to Sheryl this morning, I feel like I have had a hundred of those "moments." I look at my wedding pictures, that double chin staring back at me in soooooo many pictures - and I am angry. Angry that my "click" didn't happen before the wedding photographers click, if you get my drift.

What exactly will it take?

Sheryl advised that everyone's "a-ha"moment is different and that I shouldn't compare myself to others. Sometimes it's physical, and sometime it's metaphysical. Franky, I really don't give a shit which way mine decides to materialize - I just want it to happen - and SOON.

I have to admit, my chat with Sheryl made me feel much better. It's amazing what another person's words of comfort and a different perspective can do for one's mood. Before I spoke with her, I was way way down in the dumps. I even opted out of my morning walk with Josh because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. This is not me. Thankfully, I didn't listen to my inner demons - I ended up getting up at 6:50 anyway because had I not at that moment, I might still be hiding out under the covers.....

It is oddly comforting being talked down from the ledge - from a friend who gets you and your problem. I definitely have that in Sheryl and I am very thankful for it. She gave me some good encouragement and advice and once again, I am trying to refocus my thoughts, my self, my way of thinking about food, and what getting control is all about. Because right now? I feel very much out of control. Not in a crazy out of control "I am going to binge at every fast food restaurant I can find" type of way (something I have never done, thankfully) - but I just feel like no matter what I do, I am not doing enough. And that's probably because deep down, I know I'm not.

But, like a good friend who wants to see her friend succeed, Sheryl gave me some challenges to tackle this week. I have to check in with her in a few days with a progress report.

Challenge #1 - Drink HMR shakes at least 3 days in a row as a meal (Got this covered today - Vanilla Peach - not bad).

Challenge #2 - Keep up the water consumption to at least 64 oz a day (I recently bought a big 32 oz sports water bottle and yesterday was my first day to consume nearly 90 oz of water. Yes, I am peeing every 5 minutes but apparently, this is supposed to be a good thing).

Challenge #3 - Try to burn at least 300 calories through exercise daily. (By far, this will be my toughest challenge. I'm definitely thinking there has got to be sloth DNA somewhere in my gene pool).

So those are the challenges for this week....

I will let you know my progress....

I can do this.

I will do this.

"Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live."
~ Jim Rohn

Blame it on the rain...

2011-04-19T12:39:00.002-04:00

Big surprise - it's raining again.
And the forecast for the next 10 days is completely disgusting. Rain, rain and more rain. Seriously Mother Nature? Enough already. My backyard is turning into a small pond.

If warm weather and sunny days don't get here soon, I am going to invest in one of those Vitamin D lamps people use when they have seasonal depression. This is just ridiculous.

It's a good thing then, I guess, that Josh and I got out for our morning 3-miler relatively early. There were a few rain drops here and there as we plodded along but now it's more of a steady drizzle and by later tonight and tomorrow we are supposed to have some severe thunderstorms and rain all day, so I think it's safe to say there will be no outside activity for the next day or two. And the following 6 or so days after that don't look very promising either.

On one hand, it makes doing homework less annoying (sort of) because I don't feel like I am missing out on sun and warmth and fresh air when I can't be outside, and am instead chained to my lap top. But it has been a long winter filled with many days in front of the computer screen and frankly, I'm freaking sick of it.

Of course I could be working out indoors with any one of our various exercise machines or various other work-out equipment....You name it, we have it. Recumbent bike - check! Treadmill - check! Elliptical Machine - check! Hand weights - check! Resistance bands - check! Workout DVDs - check! And in the attic we are additionally housing an Ab Roller, a Total Gym (although it is the first version of such and is made of metal and rather archaic), a rowing machine and Lord knows what else. Oh - an my yoga mat? That's still up there somewhere, too...

So, rain or no rain, I have absolutely no excuse not to be burning calories (other than arthritic knees that are hating the damp weather).

Yet...here I sit.

But, not for long, I promise. I just finished making a big vat of chili and in the process, also got to the bottom of my seemingly endless smoothie. (Big winner today - vanilla and strawberry! My favorite so far. I think what I love the most about these things is that I get in 2-3 servings of fruit in one shake and it doesn't even feel like it). So now I have until about 2:00 until I have to get ready for class. Time to work that ass.

I mentioned in one of my recent posts that I realize I am not pushing myself - and that is true. I still don't know that this time around in the quest to lose weight that I have fully wrapped my head around DOING IT - despite my written words trying to convince myself that I have it all figured out and I'm all, "I am Woman - Hear Me Roar!" Not really "feeling it" is an emotion that scares me and makes me feel that I am not in it to win it - and I know from past experience that this mind set leads to total failure. Not that I have to be all or nothing (my usual mojo) but I have to at least BELIEVE that I am going to try my very best to get healthy. Right now I just feel kind of lazy and I hate it. I spend my time doing other stupid things (have you played Text Twist??? It's addictive) instead of working out. This is not a recipe for weight loss, my friends - it is a fucking concoction for disaster.

I wish I knew what the breaking point has to be - I mean I have so many reasons why I need to lose weight - and why I want to lose it. But I also know that you have to be in a proper frame of mind that makes you believe in yourself 110% and above all else you are determined to be successful. You have to feel the power, desire and burning passion to get in shape. It has to be a commitment - not an on again, off again relationship. In other words, this is not something to be approached half-assed. I'd love to blame it on the rain (as would Milli Vanilli, no doubt), however, I think this lethargy stems from something much deeper and it worries me terribly. I know taking baby steps is OK.....but baby steps isn't going to make the scale move the way I want it to - so I need to do something more.

Yes, a 3 mile walk is good - but I need to move past that. Find something I really enjoy that is fun and doesn't feel like a chore......or kill my knees. If only chewing burned calories the way jogging does - would any of of us be in this situation? Anyway, sitting here writing about it isn't doing me any favors either so I may as well get up and get moving....at least that is a step in the right direction.

"Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything."

~Napoleon Hill~

Listening to my inner skinny bitch

2011-04-15T11:34:00.003-04:00

How is it that it's Friday already? I swear, time is flying by at lightning speed and before I know it this semester will be over, I will be submerged in summer classes (boo hiss), and I will be anticipating my first trip to the Delaware beaches to stick my toes in the sand....in other words, it's fast approaching SWIM SUIT SEASON (insert blood-curdling scream of horror and shower scene music from Psycho here).

Every single stinking year around the end of April, beginning of May, every cell in my body seems to have heightened sensitivity. I start to think about the summer and all the things I love about the weather turning warmer. And then as soon as the warm and happy thoughts begin to fade I think about the fact that summer also means I will be donning a bathing suit and all of those summery feelings of happy happy joy joy turn into panicky feelings of "Oh shit" and "WTF" and "Lord have mercy"....Trust me when I say that no matter how much energy and sweat I invest into panicking, it does nothing to make my fat and cellulite disappear.

It's April 15 and the reality is that I am 231 pounds and no amount of freaking out is going to save me from this situation. The past is the past and I don't have the power to go back in time and do anything about the pizza, the ice cream, the pie or any other over indulgence I have participated in over the last 6 months. But I do have the ability to control my future. I am banking on success, knowing I possess this ability.

I had a good chat with my friend Val yesterday. We are very close, and try to talk as often as our busy lives allow and she reads this blog regularly. So, despite her living 3/4 of the way across the country in Colorado, she is fully aware of my plight - even if she doesn't get to "see" all of my physical ups and downs on the scale. One of the things she said to me yesterday kind of hit home. She told me that I tend to approach my weight loss as an all or nothing type situation and that I should maybe start to congratulate myself on the little successes instead of berating myself when I don't see the kinds of results I expect to. And she may be right. On some level, anyway. I tend to forget that weight loss is not an overnight thing and that often times, it can take people YEARS to make the changes necessary to see results. Those who can't bear the thought of their lives changing so drastically overnight sometimes do it in steps - for instance setting a goal to just exercise for 30 minutes a day, even if it's just a walk. They don't even concern themselves with the eating part right away - they just focus on incorporating exercise into their daily routine and once they have mastered that, then they can move on to the next step. This process takes time. It sure as shit does not take a morbidly obese person and turn them into a skinny mini overnight. When I read success stories (one of my favorite things to do - I can't wait until I have one of my own), I find myself getting disappointed when not everyone's story tells of a 100 lb loss occurring in 6 months. There are some folks who talk about losing 60 pounds over the course of 3 years. Somewhere in my warped thinking, I feel discouraged that it took them so long. Then I stop to think - well, shit, what have you lost in the past 3 years????

Because I have been buried under these layers of fat for so long, it is hard to play the waiting game. I have become incredibly impatient and I just want to break free. I want weight loss to be instantaneous and I want to see big results, like YESTERDAY. I know this way of thinking is just as unhealthy as the weight I carry and it sets me up for failure, disappointment and will frustrate me to the point of quitting if I don't shut it off. Fast.

What I need to make click is that I don't have to go all balls to the wall and think that that is the only way I am going to get this job done (and it is like a job - it takes hard work). Yes - I need to make changes - a lot of them - but maybe not hard core, all at once. Time to recognize when I achieve small goals, like reducing portions or getting my exercise in. Make that a habit and then work on adding to it.

It's not a myth. I think every fat person has a thinner, healthier person inside of them that is screaming to get out. Sometimes the voice is whiny and can be quieted by a few cookies, a cone of ice cream or some other dose of poison.

And then every now and again, that voice is so loud that you can't ignore it anymore and even when you try to feed it cake or booze or cheeseburgers to shut it up, it just gets louder. It starts to demand change. I'm at this point now. And the voice is not imaginary, you know. The voice can come from different places. It's not just in my head. My knees for example? They talk to me quite regularly. They tell me just how unhappy they are that at age 39 I have allowed arthritis to invade them. My chest talks to me frequently when climbing stairs or walking uphill. It curses like a sailor and reminds me that if I don't change my ways this is only going to get worse. My inner skinny bitch wants her day in the sun. She is so pissed that for the past 6 months I have ignored her and stuffed her down and suffocated her with whatever comfort food I could find. She wants to know why the fuck I am so resistant to having her emerge?

Good question.

Am I really afraid of something? What would losing weight mean to me? I have a loving husband, a comfortable home, and am on my way to changing my career. Life in that respect is just about as good as it gets. Physical status aside, I am in the best place in my life right now. Sure, I have anxiety about becoming a teacher - it is a huge step. But it doesn't have anything to do with my weight. This issue pre-dates this career change - by decades!

So, what is holding me back? I go to sleep and wake up with this question on my mind. And when i figure it out, I'll be sure to let you know.

Taking it one meal at a time...

2011-04-14T11:28:00.000-04:00

Ah - sunshine!

What a wonderful sight after a few days of rain and gloom. I've mentioned before that nice weather is a total motivating factor for me to exercise, so this morning I put my money where my mouth is and headed out at 7 AM for a 3-mile walk with the hubs and the dogs. I then came home and did 4 1/2 miles on the recumbent bike. If I can find my yoga mat (which is buried up in the attic somewhere), I may try my hand at some moves I recently downloaded from Prevention. I feel unstoppable today!

I'm also on day 2 of my breakfast smoothie experiment. I really struggle with keeping my calories in check for breakfast. I usually wake up starving and have the mindset that only a carb-laden breakfast is going to quell that hunger. My first inclination is to reach for cereal (I truly think I am a crunch junkie). This might not be so bad if I chose a relatively low-calorie cereal. Which I don't. Or measured it for that matter. Again - something I don't do even though I know I should. However, since discovering the delightful deliciousness that is Raisin Bran Extra, it has become my go-to morning bowl of happiness (Is it sad that I can find joy in a bowl of bran flakes??). However, this is kind of a problem because as it turns out, that bowl of happiness? It's not what you'd call very calorie-friendly. And the "Extra" I have grown to love so much? Well, let's just say it probably stands for Extra Calories. Those cranberries and yogurt covered bits of granola aren't made of air, ya know.

The trouble is, that cereal keeps me full until lunch (and yes, I am willing to entertain the idea that this may be primarily because I have been eating the equivalent of 2 bowls). So, I am now on the quest to try different things - with LESS calories of course - and figure out what keeps me satisfied the longest. I've developed a fondness for Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt with a tsp of honey and a 1/4 cup of Special K granola. It definitely keeps the calories under 300, which I think is good - but can I go even lower without feeling deprived?

I just received a care package from one of my BFF's, who is a nurse with HMR (Health Management Resources). It was filled with samples of their meal replacement shakes, so I opted to give them a shot as a breakfast alternative. The shake alone is 170 calories (vanilla) or 120 (chocolate). You add water so there is no added calories there, but the thought of drinking this powdery stuff with only water as an accompaniment turns me off. I opted for adding a cup of frozen fruit which depending on what fruit I choose, is anywhere from 70 - 90 extra calories. All told, I'm in the 240 - 260 range which is great. I still have about 1,000 to play with throughout the day (although I know this calorie bank can be depleted quickly depending on my food choices for the rest of the day - Hello Cadbury Creme Egg - I'm talking to you).

Yesterday I had a vanilla shake with a cup of mixed berries and it was good....Not Raisin Bran Extra good - but passable for a breakfast option. Once I could get past the gagillion seeds that ended up sticking in my teeth, it was satisfying and the best part of all was that it took me FOREVER to finish it because it made a huge amount. Plus the fiber did keep me feeling full - but did not turn my body in to a repulsive methane-making machine. Win/Win!

Today I tried the chocolate and added a cup of frozen cherries (because what sounds better than a chocolate cherry shake for breakfast? Uh, just about anything, actually). But I digress...

This shake was, uh - OK. Meaning not my favorite and something I won't be having on a regular rotation. But I am sucking it down because, well, it's breakfast and I am committed to sticking with this - even if it tastes a little like ass. This is a learning process and not everything I do or try is guaranteed to be a success, right? The plus side (sort of) is that this shake is also taking me a long time to consume - although today it may be more taste-related than anything. But, the point is, the longer it takes me to finish - the fuller I will feel for a greater length of time, and that is the ultimate goal, is it not?

So maybe, just maybe I have found my breakfast solution. Now I just need to tackle lunch and dinner issues.

Baby steps.....

The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle. ~Author Unknown

Eat This, Not That...

2011-04-12T11:58:00.000-04:00

Good God - will this rain just get the hell out of here already? Yesterday was so beautiful with temps in the 80's and a fantastic breeze. What a tease. Here we are less than 24 hours later and it's 51 degrees, raining, and gloomy as all get out. I am starting to dislike the month of April as much as I do the month of March.....be it the promiser of May flowers or not. Pfffttt.

Good weather is as much a motivator for me than anything. But this? Today? Not so much. I don't have my husband's "get up and go" attitude that catapults him outside on the dreariest of days where he and the dogs come home soaking wet with muddy paws and feet. I am not down with drizzle. Never have been. Never will be.

So I am praying for sun...Mama needs some Vitamin D.

In other words - Mama needs to get her ass outside and MOVE IT.

Over the weekend 2 things happened that boosted my hopes into thinking I can do this weight loss thing, and one thing happened that made me feel like I am not sure if I can. The first was on Saturday morning when Josh and I took the dogs on a 2 1/2 mile walk. There was a 5K going on in town and I saw a girl that was much larger than me running the race. Granted she wasn't running fast, and she looked a little like she wanted one of us to maybe call 911, but the point was that she was doing it. I felt like a complete schmuck walking by and I thought to myself, hell - why am I not doing this? I know that I can - but why am I not pushing myself like this woman obviously is?

And I recently had a good long stare at myself in the mirror and have come to the not surprising conclusion that I most definitely am NOT pushing myself. This is a problem.

It's a humbling experience to put yourself out there in the public eye and run at 200+ pounds but this chick was DOING IT. I myself did it last summer. So, why not do it again?

And so the fire was lit under my ample ass......

The goal is to run my first 5K by the end of the summer.

There - I said it.

Now please hold me to it.

The second thing happened at Panera. Now I love me some Panera Bread but ever since they posted the caloric information on their menu, it is hard for me to eat there with the ignorant abandon I once did. On top of their blatant calorie show, they also now offer you options as to what you want with your meal - a slice of french baguette (oh so heavenly), chips (gives me a huge crunchgasm) or an apple (Oh, yeah - and that).

I often tend to go with the 1/2 sandwich, 1/2 salad combo - choosing the lowest calorie options of each. But when it comes to the side offering, I usually stutter and drool but end up going for the bread (yes, sadly even if I am having a sandwich that comes on, well - BREAD) or the bag of chips with it's crunchy, salty, greasy goodness (badness???). So, on this past Saturday when asked what I would like for my side, I immediately said, "Chips, please!" because let's face it - old salty, greasy habits die hard. But with a flash of guilt (and, I won't lie, the image of that large woman jogging in the 5K), I quickly corrected myself and asked instead for a nice crunchy apple....

I got a weird look from the cashier but I didn't give a shit. No need to explain to her my life long struggle of choosing good foods over bad ones. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I haven't always opted for the apple in the great fruit vs. chips debate.

But I felt good about my decision - and even though I didn't eat the apple with my lunch, I didn't get the chips...or the bread (and guaranteed if I had, I would have eaten them with lunch - no doubt about that).

However, on Sunday, my resolve must have taken a mini-vacation because I opted for a CHEESEBURGER for lunch from the corner deli. It's almost like I have two different brains. The one that wants so badly to be good and healthy and makes the right choices - and then there's the other one that tosses resolve into the shitter and says, fuck it - I want me some greasy red meat....with cheese. And I will have it.

It's like, where did that willpower from the previous day go? I really felt empowered after my Panera Bread experience - but no - in one moment, I blew to hell any good decision I had made the previous day, all for the sake of a big beef patty. But trust me, if guilt was not punishment enough, the heartburn finished the job. I think it's fair to say my gallbladder has been sending me some pretty powerful warning signs as of late and I best do my damndest to heed it's message.

So, I'm listening to my body and I am shutting off the brain that makes those bad decisions....

and my goal of doing the 5K will help me maintain my focus and keep my eye on the prize.

It's all I can do.

Weighty Issues Exposed

2011-04-08T08:11:00.005-04:00

It's another Friday morning - cloudy, dreary, and grey - just the type of weather that discourages me from wanting to put on my track pants and head outside. Seriously - where the hell is the nice spring weather? I'm waiting, Mr. Full Of Shit Groundhog. You may as well have seen your shadow for the type of weather we've been having lately.
Where is a day of 68 degrees and sunny when you need it?
But let's face it - if I am being honest it's more the pain in my knee that is really deterring me from heading outside this morning. It's not raining - it's just not sunny and sun is certainly not a requirement for going outside to exercise, is it? It's not that I can't walk, mind you - but more often than not, after I get home from a 2-miler with the hubs and the dogs, my knees feel like they have blown up to twice their size and the tightness and pain are real motivator-killers for any further hustle-my-ass-type movement throughout the day.
And today - I MUST clean this house. Top to bottom. It's spring cleaning day even if the stupid groundhog doesn't know it.
The true bitch of it is, is that I know I absolutely need to get my ass in motion. Staying stationary is not an option. Yet, when I do go the distance, I end up feeling like crap....it's a total catch 22.
Knowing the only way the pain will go away permanently is to endure it for a while in the beginning stages of this new attempt at losing weight isn't exactly encouraging ( apparently I have a low threshold for pain and although I am quite familiar with the old adage - no pain, no gain - I don't necessarily embrace it the way I probably should)....I need to find something that is going to alleviate my fabulous arthritis so that I feel better about walking....and I mean walking for weight loss - not a trip around the block.
A girl can only take so many Alleve before a bleeding stomach becomes the next big issue.....and Lord knows I don't need anything else to derail me.
In happier news....
I have found yet another inspiring blog called Fat Girl Dives In at http://fatgirldivesin.blogspot.com
This was discovered through the other new blog I have fallen in love with - Bigger Than My Body at http://cryswwjourney.blogspot.com
It is so amazing to read other people's posts and hear your own voice in what others write about their struggles to shed the pounds...there are so many similar themes - body pain, nothing to wear, fear of a class reunion, falling off the wagon, fighting cravings, disappointment in failure, joy in having even the smallest successes, surprises on the scale, serious self-reflection - and countless others.
I think in many ways, those of us who are on a weight loss journey - and especially those who choose to share their journey publicly - even if it is with a small circle of friends and family (and yes, blog families count ) - know ourselves in a way most people do not. By that, I mean we reflect on our lives - our choices, our mistakes, our triumphs, our feelings - every single day. We have to. And, maybe I am way off base here, but I am not sure that many people do this on a daily basis. As individuals on a weight loss journey, no matter how long the journey may be, we feel accountable for all of our actions because many of our actions throughout the day are associated with weight loss. We think in terms of whether or not what we did will help us lose weight or gain weight. Eating out, exercising, not exercising, hanging with friends and family, traveling, work stress, life - it all boils down to how much we eat, what we eat, how we eat (consciously, or unconsciously), when we eat - yadda, yadda, yadda. You know what I'm saying.
Seriously - what "normal sized" people do you know that do this?
I have a what seems like a million conversations with myself each day as I am getting dressed. What will look best? What is too tight? Can you see my back fat through this top? Remember when this was actually loose on you last year? Where the hell are my Spanx?
The day I no longer have to have an inner monologue about my wardrobe each day will be so freaking sweet. That in itself is reason enough to get this weight off as far as I'm concerned.
The thing is, I realize that this "self-evaluation" is going to be an ongoing thing - most likely for the rest of my life. I don't know that I can just drop it just as soon as the weight comes off.
And in a way - it's kind of good. It keeps me accountable, whether I'm good or bad. And trust me when I say - bad has been ruling out over good lately.
After all, I'm not staring at myself in the mirror each day wondering how the hell I got to be 230-some pounds. This is not some big mystery. It has a name. It's called Gluttony.
And I am breaking up with this bastard once and for all.
In the end, I know my life doesn't have to be ruled by my bad habits, so recommitting to embracing a healthier me has been a step in the right direction. So, despite the pain in my knees (and the dreary, grey sky), I am getting my ass outside today for a nice long walk. And maybe today can be a day to celebrate a small success instead of regretting a small failure.

Portion Distortion

2011-04-05T11:34:00.009-04:00

Ah, yes....springtime. And for the first time in months, it actually FEELS like spring....birds are chirping, temps are above 50 degrees and April showers are sprinkling liberally down from the sky, allegedly in preparation of bringing those long sought-after May flowers. There's something else though that spring brings, in addition to a muddy backyard and the constant need for an umbrella. It brings panic....at least it does to this girl who has been doing nothing much, other than packing on the pounds all winter long.
It seems like year after year has gone by and here I sit with the same issues, same gripes, same disappointments. But at least last year I was on my way to doing something about it. If it hadn't been for the wedding, who knows where my weight would be....I see the damage I've done since October and it ain't pretty, that's for sure. And now all it's left me is with this pissed off feeling and nagging thoughts of "Why did you quit??? You were getting there!!! Why can't you ever follow through on anything you start???"
I know last week I was all about changing the 'tude - and I still am, but I have my moments where I think about the past and would give my eye teeth to be back to where I was last April - at about 208 pounds. It KILLS me that in the Chutes and Ladders game of weight loss, I feel like I am always landing on the slides that drop me back about 1,000 paces.
I took a survey on CalorieCounter.com today that revealed (ta-da!) that I am an an "Overeater". Well, no shit. I could have told them that. As a matter of fact, last night as Josh cooked and put together our dinner plates and mine matched his, portion for portion - I was thinking the very same thing. Rochelle - you CANNOT eat all of this food. You SHOULD NOT eat all of this food. But if you don't get it off your plate, right now, BEFORE you sit down to eat - you WILL eat it all.
And you know what? I did. And I felt fucking disgusting afterward.
The continuous nasty fried onion-laced meatloaf burps don't lie - it was waaaaaay too much food for a girl like me and I felt more like Jabba the Hut after I finished my meal than I have in a while. I am sure if my gallbladder could have bitch-slapped me, it would have.
But did that stop me from fantasizing (and I do mean fantasizing) about my Slim-A-Bear Klondike I knew I would have just as soon as I felt, um, "less full"???
Hell to the no.
Several things flash through my head today as I sit and write this (while eating the most sour apple I have ever come across - it's my penance for last night's suppertime sin). Firstly, I realized that I still don't have this mind over matter thing down and I am not sure when that part of it is going to click for me. Yes, I realize I keep talking about it and I sound like a stupid broken record, but the more I think about it (and realize that it has become a common theme in my blog), it makes sense that it's something that is very much holding me back from weight loss success. If I thought getting into the groove of exercise was hard, this may be harder. I think this "mind over matter" concept may prove to be the most difficult and I fear that if I can't wrap my little pea brain around that aspect of losing weight, the rest is going to be damn near impossible.
The problem is I try never to think about eating when I am eating. Isn't that asinine?
Even when I am eating for pleasure (which, hell, is pretty much always) I don't know how much "pleasure" I am truly getting out of it because I think the food just gets shoveled in without a whole lot of thought. Sure, I taste it but it seems like such a fleeting moment and then it's gone and I am looking for more...
I don't know what void I am trying to fill and it's one of those things that can drive a person nuts. If I could just get to the bottom of WHY I think I need so much food. I used to think it was all about finding a guy but now that I have Josh, I need to rule that excuse out.
So what the hell is it?
Why do I put the blinders on when I eat? I could have very easily taken off half the food on my plate last night and it would have been a perfectly respectable (and healthy dinner). Meatloaf, broccoli, carrots, and a sweet potato. Then came the homemade bread with herbed butter.....oh, and the carrots weren't exactly virgin either - they were soaked in a brown sugar and butter bath that would have made Paula Dean proud.
The thought of doing a Nutri-System type program doesn't appeal to me (Sheryl has been trying to get me to try her HMR stuff from her workplace) but I am beginning to think this isn't going to happen on my own. I am not afraid to ask for help, but I am so damn disgusted over the fact that I apparently refuse to help myself.
Every day I get up feeling like I am starting over - it's a new day and a clean slate. But, I have to wonder - Is it really considered "starting over" if you haven't even truly begun????
So, here I am again today - April 5, 2011 - back to the idea of calorie counting....1229 calories a day. It ain't much. But it's a start.

Today's weight: 232 lbs
Pounds left to lose: 102
Days on program: 1

Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right.
~Henry Ford

Changing my 'tude

2011-03-29T09:11:00.003-04:00

Happy Sunny Tuesday!
Ah, the difference a day can make! Or maybe it's really about the difference a 45 minute walk can make. Apparently it can turn that shitty attitude I had yesterday into one of pure hope and determination - at least for today, anyway.
Perhaps I should exercise more often? Now there's a thought.
Also adding to my giddy glee is the fact I found out yesterday that the horrendous assignment I thought was due on Monday is actually just a skeleton version of the assignment - the real deal is due in 2 weeks - Whew! I feel like I just dodged a bullet. That means I might get to go see some friends from the old Easton office on Friday - if I get the rest of my crap done - of which there is plenty. I'm observing again on Thurs so we'll see - that really cuts into my homework time - I get so unmotivated to do anything after spending the day with 20 first graders....but it would be nice to get out for a bit and socialize with the girls (although I have slight guilt pangs for leaving Josh on a Friday night.....I mean, we ARE newlyweds.....).
I honestly don't have much to share today other than the scale seems to be holding steady this AM - even after my non-Weight Watchers endorsed peanut M & M dinner last night - a la vending machine. I knew that was going to happen and still didn't prepare for it. That old WW motto "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" is so true - and yet, I often ignore it's infinite wisdom. Why is that?
I'm not exactly sure why I didn't grab the yogurt and banana I had intended to take along with me last night - all I do know is that I didn't grab it and 250 calories and 13 grams of fat later, I was feeling the candy guilties big time (at least that bag contained 12 grams of protein - it's only redeeming value)....
This is such a vicious cycle with me. Again, it all boils down to mindful eating but obviously I have yet to master that concept. But I will....
On an high note, I found an awesome weight loss blog yesterday called Bigger Than My Body at http://cryswwjourney.blogspot.com and it is truly inspiring. I love the way this chick writes and can relate to everything she talks about in her blog.....it's a fun read so I decided to start back in her 2009 archives and read the blog in order. I get the feeling she has fallen off the WW wagon a few times too, and it is always comforting to read that other people share your same problems and share the same sentiments the way you do about being overweight. As I started to read it yesterday, I felt like I had just found a fantastic new book to read - it really got me hooked. I got a few posts read during the day while I should have been doing homework. I look forward to reading more today....
Well, that is really all I have for this morning....I'm happy I got up and moved my ass (despite my not really wanting to) and I'm happy I get to begin this day with a clean state and renewed sense of determination. Each day is chance to start again - each day will bring me closer to what I want if I just believe in myself.

The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination.
~Tommy Lasorda

Well put, Tommy. Well put.

Looking for a little more Ohm, and a little less Mmmmm...

2011-03-28T07:51:00.005-04:00

Well, it's another Monday - another day of dread as I approach a week I am very much not looking forward to. My to do list is long already and it's not even 8:00 AM.
So much of my stress comes from disorganization and procrastination (and my innate ability to stretch out projects when I find them especially distasteful) and I often think that these issues can be tied to many of my weight loss issues too. When there is clutter around you, it is less motivating to work out - you feel like the chaos that surrounds you is the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's debilitating at times - just looking at my desk makes me want to scream. There are papers everywhere (right now it's holding the contents of 30 or more research articles I have recently had the displeasure of reading for my least favorite class Research and Methodology).
I cannot wait until May 3 which marks the end of this semester from hell. My first goal is for Josh and I to deconstruct the guest room/office and get it set up as our home gym.
At first I was upset that we were converting this room - that meant we'd only have one guest bedroom available for when people came over. Then I stopped to realize I was stupidly willing to put my exercise and life on hold to accommodate people 3 or 4 times over the course of the year instead of giving myself the gift of a home gym that I could access EVERY day of the year - how ridiculous! Sometimes my thinking is really ass backwards.
So the bed is going in the attic and I am going to clean this place from top to bottom so that I feel like I can breathe again. I have also been thinking seriously about trying my hand at yoga....but let's be clear - I am only in the thinking stage here....but I do think it might help me de-clutter my mind after I have finally de-cluttered this space.
I am pretty freaking jazzed about having a space that is dedicated for the most part to strictly exercise (I'll still have my desk in here).....And I am hoping I embrace it as much as I think I will. I am sure Josh will gently remind me if I don't.
This semester has been really difficult - and I think on some levels I am depressed about homework being the controlling factor of my life. There is SO MUCH WORK. Adding the observation hours has only added to the stress so again, May cannot come soon enough. Then again - I have always had excuses - haven't I? When I was working in NY, it was the commute - now it's school - next year it will be student teaching.
If I don't reach out to grab the brass ring this summer, I fear I will NEVER do it. And if one thing my observation hours have taught me is that school aged children are active and the way I feel right now, I will never keep up. So literally, it's do or die time. And I am not ready to die.
For the last several months I have felt chained to this damn desk and it's no wonder the scale hasn't exactly been my friend. Friday's weigh in was 231.25 - so one pound gone from the previous week. I will not jump for joy - but I will take it.
This week I really need to do some mindful eating (and get in my exercise which for whatever reason, always takes a back seat) because I have a lot going on and I know in times like these my tendency is to just grab whatever presents itself in front of me and chomp, chomp, chomp I go until I stop to realize that "thing" I just ate was a heaping spoon of Nutella, a sleeve of 1/2 stale crackers with honey (gross, I know), or 1/2 a bag of croutons.
I do have a few healthy meals lined up for the week (tilapia, stuffed peppers, & veggie stir fry) but it's those nights when I am at class where it's just me and the vending machine, that I need to be especially cautious.
I found a good article on mindful eating at http://www.prevention.com/health/weight-loss/success-stories/lose-weight-weight-loss-centers/article/1f70a3f65031c210VgnVCM10000030281eac____?cm_mmc=Spotlight%20Weight%20Loss-_-03282011-_-Weight%20Loss-_-Lose%20Without%20Even%20Trying

Interesting stuff.....
And if you read it, you will know that what they discuss is so not what I do.....usually.
But it does make sense and the first step is realizing just how UNmindful your eating is - and I think it has been clearly established that that is a huge chunk of my issues - pun intended.
I also just read an interesting article that said it is best to eat fruit while on an empty stomach....another thing I need to try. So this morning, I just had a banana by itself even before I drank my coffee. It seemed to quell the hunger for now - let's see how I do the rest of the morning. Worse case scenario is there is a Chobani yogurt downstairs that I know won't blow the morning calorie allotment if I eat it - I think it's about 140 or 160 calories. I really do dig me some Greek yogurt.
I will admit I haven't been stellar about counting calories this past week - again - I let other things take precedence (like my stupid research proposal and the other various assignments that have been occupying my every waking moment) so we'll see what this Friday brings me on the scale. Maybe if I blog regularly it will keep my head in check - remind me that I need to pay attention to my eating EVERYDAY - not just when the mood strikes or I happen to remember (which is usually when I put on pants and find - surprise surprise - that they are difficult to button). I just know I need to do some things that will shift my focus or open my eyes.....or maybe both. In other words, focus a little more on "Ohm".....and less on "Mmmmmmm"......

Meeting of the Mind-set

2011-03-18T10:23:00.012-04:00

I'm eating a bowl of blueberries for breakfast....
That, my friends is what you call progress. I have officially decided to end my love affair with my gigantic (seemingly bottomless) bowl of Raisin Bran Extra I have become so infatuated with eating each morning, because I finally realized where all that "Extra" was going. (See pic from yesterday's post if you need clarification).
There is something about today that makes me feel like I am truly on the road to success. Granted it is only Day 2 of this re-dedication to my weight-loss journey, but I feel a little like I have been given a renewed sense of purpose, pride and strength and for whatever reason, I'm confident that I can do this.
Maybe it's because when I stepped on the scale this morning, it was moving in the right direction. I was at 232.25 today....a small gift from the fat gods for behaving yesterday, perhaps?
Or maybe it's because the sun in shining and it's the first day in a looooong time the temperature is going to hit near 70 degrees and the feeling of spring is in the air. It's been a long cold winter, that was filled with many days of eating comfort foods until my heart was content. Look at where that got me. I need to remember this moment, complete with the shooting pain in my knees, and draw on it the next time I think it's OK to fall off the wagon.
It may be time to stick that bread machine in the basement for a while. Sorry, honey.
As a part of this weight loss process, I have decided to take a serious look at those things that have not worked in the past - and also to look at those things that I tried to do, but maybe not exactly whole-heartedly, therefore hindering the shedding of the weight. What I have been thinking about the last few days is the fact that often when I eat, I am not even doing it consciously. That has always been a huge issue with me and I think a pretty good indicator of how I have packed on the pounds throughout my life.
The other day I found myself grabbing a bag of croutons off the counter and just sitting in the living room, talking to Josh, shoveling them in my mouth as if I was in some kind of contest to see who could eat the most salad toppings in one sitting. I mean come on - croutons???? I probably downed half the bag before I realized what I was doing. Granted, they weren't M&M's or french fries - but the problem remains the same. I was eating without really realizing it - or caring that I was doing it.
These are not normal eating habits - it's grabbing anything in sight and feeding the disease.....I can't tell you if I was hungry, bored, or simply out of control. All I do know is that croutons are not a meal, and I had no right to be treating them as such.
So, no more of doing that. If I pick it up to eat it, I better damn well at least know if I am even hungry. And if I am, I won't be eating croutons. I'll eat an apple.
Little changes are what is going to help me do this. Conscientious thinking....being aware of what I really need, instead of what I think I want.
No more being jealous of others. That too, I realize gets me nowhere fast. Instead I need to keep the focus right here - on me. One day at a time. It sounds cliche but that's my approach. Don't look too far in the future. Get through today, get through tomorrow and eventually, once all those tomorrows are in the rearview mirror, I can look back and see how far I've come....

Time is a Thief

2011-03-17T09:29:00.007-04:00

I cannot remember a time ever in my life when I felt thin. Maybe that's because I never have been. Even when I was younger, I remember being very much bothered by my weight. When I was in kindergarten, my neighbor Tina and I had matching bikinis - hers was bright green and mine was florescent orange. Even at age 4 or 5, I remember distinctly comparing our bodies because she was so much taller and thinner than I was.
This started a life time of comparisons. I would constantly compare myself to other people and loved to play the "am I fatter than her" game with myself, trying to figure out if I resembled anything like other people I saw that I deemed to be "fat" and have a "bad" body type. I would desperately try to imagine what it was like to live inside a thin body - but never could even come close to understanding what it would be like - to be lighter, thinner, less embarrassed by how I looked or felt. I just wanted to feel more - what's the word? Oh, I know....free.
I remember being about 190 lbs in high school (a weight I would give my eye teeth for right about now) and thinking how gigantic and out of place I felt - and by most accounts, I guess I was. There were not a plethora of obese kids in my high school. I always felt sort of like an anomaly. I did have one good friend that was quite a bit bigger than me and I recall sadly that it gave me a sense of being "one-up" on her because in a world of teenagers, I thought, hey, at least I'm not the fattest one. But for the most part all of my friends were much skinnier than me. I was the token fat friend. They shopped in the Jr. department at Macy's. I shopped in the Missy department (this was before I "graduated to plus sizes" - although even at that time my closet was peppered with the occasional Lane Bryant garment). I remember my friend Kristin wearing all of these cool Esprit clothes and there I was wearing something akin to what my my mom might wear because after all, we did shop in the same clothing department. While I may have been a junior in high school, trust me when I say my ass never fit in to anything in the junior clothing department, that's for sure.
Fast forward about 20 some odd years and here I am, still envious of those around me. The creation of Facebook has given me a whole new reason to feel inferior to my classmates as I scan through pictures of them, still thin, still fit - even after having multiple kids. It is hard not to feel jealousy toward them, and it's hard not to feel anger and disappointment toward myself. I have had ample amount of time to get this body thing right, to make changes in my lifestyle, to get healthy and here we are - I haven't done it. And I am at a loss for the reasons why I struggle with this - why I have such difficulty in taking control of this aspect of my life and facing the facts that it is something I not only want to do (or so I tell myself and others), but also that I NEED to do, if I want to live any kind of quality of life in the future.
Because whether or not I choose to admit it or want anyone to know it, there is a huge difference in the way I am right now and who I was back in high school....or, if I am honest, even who I was last summer. I hurt. I have pain. Everyday. All the time. Even after I take my stomach ulcer causing Aleve far more often than I should. My knees are screaming at me constantly, reminding me that no woman who is 5 feet tall (on a good day) should weigh in at 234 pounds.
Yes - 234.....let's look at that number again. Two hundred thirty-four. Fucking. Pounds.
In other words, back to square one. ALL THE WAY BACK.
Let's take a look at what 234 pounds looks like, shall we?
It looks a lot like this.....

Not a pretty picture is it? Is it any wonder I am holding a box of Prilosec? I probably had heartburn from the donuts I had for breakfast - or the ungodly amount of candy I had consumed. Who knows - it could have been from any one of those things.This picture was taken in January 2011 at my in-laws open house. I may have even been a few pounds under 234 then....but I was close. Anyway you dice it, it's not pretty....I can see the wall of fat around a face I used to recognize. Now I hate even looking in the mirror.

Now let's look at what being 189 looks like, which was probably one of the lowest weights I had (for a fleeting second or two) in my adult life. This was about a month before I met Josh.....in February of 2008.

Much better, isn't it? And that isn't even anywhere NEAR what my goal weight is. It's at least 60 pounds off the mark - not the 100 lbs I am currently looking at having to lose. As a matter of fact, losing that much weight seems like such an unattainable award at the moment that in order to preserve my sanity, I cannot even think about it - but rather I need to concentrate on the smaller successes that will come in between now and then. I need to first allow myself to develop a plan that I know I can and will stick with so that THIS time, I make that goal - no matter how far into the future it may be.
Ultimately I think it boils down to this: I have to believe in me. I have to believe that this time, I can do it. Because my body is telling me that it's not giving me another chance. It is tired of lugging this shit around and wants and deserves to be healthy. I have been denying it that for nearly 40 years and it is far time I stop being so damn selfish.
So, here I am today - St. Patrick's Day 2011 - recommitting to myself and the world to shed 100 pounds. It won't be easy and it won't be pretty but I WILL get there.
I am thinking about starting a whole new blog because I feel like, much like the pounds I carry, I need to shed the old one which was filled with goals related to losing weight for my wedding. I need a new start...and as weird as it may sound, that includes a new start with writing about this new journey.....
Stay tuned for my blog's new home as soon as I work out the details.....
In the meantime, if you are reading this, thanks for your support. I appreciate it more than you know....

'Elastic is my friend' and other untruths about being fat

2011-02-16T18:30:00.008-05:00

I had a "Eureka" moment the other day when after getting out of the shower, I found myself reaching for a pair of clean pajama pants instead of putting on real clothes - such as jeans. Instead of going with the flow like I usually do, I actually stopped myself a moment and thought about why, after taking the time to take off my pajamas and get showered, would I opt to go and put pajamas back on....in the middle of the day. The word "elastic" flashed in my head like a bolt of lightning. Apparently I have started to equate my pj's with the only comfortable clothes I own and that, my friends is a dangerous zone to be in. What it says to me is that I no longer feel happy or good in the "day clothes" that I have. This is a problem in more ways than I care to think about.
I can't believe that I didn't realize this before but, I think it's only fair to get the word out that diet help need not come in the form of powdery shakes or pills that make us jittery....The simple solution is a rigid waistband. That's right....in other words - DITCH THE ELASTIC.
I quickly mentally reviewed my wardrobe for the past 4 or 5 months and sure enough, what I remembered wasn't pretty. For the most part, with the exception of nights that I have class or go out with friends (which has been minimal since the wedding, sadly), I have been parading around the house in the comfort of my stretchy pants. Whether they be of the pajama variety or "athletic" track pants, it doesn't matter. They all have the same common denominator: an elastic waistband and that "hey, there's plenty of room in here" feeling that until now, seemed like a good friend. Twenty some pounds later, I have come to the conclusion that I've not only been sleeping with the damned enemy, but I have been spending nearly every lousy waking moment with it. Spandex, elastic, nylon - they're all bad news as far as I'm concerned. I cannot believe how fooled I was by their forgiving ways. Note to self: Never trust a pair of pants that forgives you a week long binge of candy and cookies without busting a seam. Never.
I am confident that if spandex didn't exist, the world would be filled with far less obese people. It makes us complacent. The attitude is - well, at least my track pants fit. And they don't recognize when you gain 5 lbs, or 10 lbs - or hell, even 20 lbs. They are magical pants in some ways....but unlike Glenda the Good Witch, they do not use their magic for good - just evil.
I find weight gain to be a funny thing. You always know it's happening but you don't want to acknowledge it. Perhaps I thought I had shrunk my jeans, because, after all, my stretchy pants told no lies. The reality of it is that had I worn only my jeans these past few months and ditched the old comfies that allowed me to expand without judgment, I might not be in this big fat jam right now. Pun intended.
But let's face facts, my pajamas really didn't put me here (and I really don't know where "here" is today because I refuse to get on the scale and destroy a perfectly good day ahead of me. But don't worry - I will soon. I know that I need to). I have been turning a blind eye to everything I have been eating lately. I feel like hell, yet continue to do it. And why? That is the multi-billion dollar question. If only I had the answer.
I really wish there was a literal mental switch that could be turned off, or on - depending on its function. If it could turn off my desire for sugar, great. If it could turn on my desire to be a workout-a-holic - even better. All I know is, I am dying here. And if I want to be honest - so is my husband. We are both on the the same track - and it is bad. And while it may not be sudden death, this thing that we are doing to ourselves will kill us. It will be slow and painful and the worst part is, it can be stopped and we have not stopped it. I want to though, and I will. We will.
So I am going to make a conscious effort to see less of my stretchy pants and more of jeans. The ones with not a lot of "give." Just to remind me that these are the only pants I have for outside the house and once they don't fit - I am not buying more. There will not be a bigger size. That I can promise you.

You are getting veeeeeeery hungry.....

2011-02-15T13:32:00.007-05:00

I have a very good friend that has been a smoker for years. We're talking since jr. high or high school. We are both turning 40 this year so you do the math.
Last month she went to a hypnotist to quit smoking and guess what? It worked. To know that a woman who coveted cigarettes like there was no tomorrow could suddenly just up and walk away from them gives me great hope that willpower exists, even if you have to get in the way of some mind-fuck hoodoo-voodoo.
I actually went to a weight loss hypnotist years ago - probably much like the one Aimee went to, since it was in a hotel conference room setting with about 150 other fatties trying their last ditch effort to get skinny. I can't recall all the details or even who I went with, but I do remember not being able to concentrate because some big loud deeply entranced man was sawing big-time wood two seats away from me. So, needless to say, it didn't work for me, but that's not to say this isn't the answer for some people. Who knows - maybe the seminar I went to mistakenly booked the wrong hypnotist and we ended up with the one who normally conducts anorexia hypnosis to try to get them to love food again. In that case, my therapy was a success!
In all seriousness, Aimee's mom quit smoking through hypnotherapy so I really wish her the best for her success on this journey to Cleanerlungville. It's been just under a month and she is doing great. Her exact comment was that she just felt like smoking "wasn't for her anymore" and that she "didn't do that kind of thing"......huh? Really?
So of course that got me to thinking about food and how food is probably as much of a focus of my life as smoking was for Aimee. Both can kill you in excess - we know this. Yet Aimee lit up like the Surgeon General's warning was about as serious as a knock-knock joke and I throw my fat cells a party like it's 1999 most days of the week. We do these things not caring, or maybe we do care, but not enough to stop. And don't even get me started about the lack of exercise....that in itself is a whole other blog post (or ten).
Granted Aimee got help in the way of hypnotherapy to help her walk away, cold turkey, from those nicotine demons. But even without being hypnotized, if I could just look at cake and say, "That's just not for me anymore. That's not what I eat," and actually MEAN it - well, let's just say my pants might feel a hell of a lot looser. I know I can't walk away from all food cold turkey, but I do know that it is high time I took an extended break from my love affair with homebaked bread and all things sugary.
I actually wrote Aimee an e-mail today congratulating her on her success and I told her how proud I was of her determination to commit to a healthy life style. Truth be told, I am envious of that kind of willpower. I don't know if any amount of hyponosis could deter me from ripping into the Lindt truffles Josh's mom gave us for Valentine's Day.....a straight jacket and a muzzle might be be the only way to keep me from those little chocolate balls of heaven. Or hell, depending how you look at it.
Bottom line is I am really depressed over my current situation, and as we already know from last years posts of ups and downs on the scale, only I have the power to change it. The question is when will this change kick in. When will I care enough about myself to make it work - to say, "You know what? NO - I don't want that cake, cookie, pie, candy, doughnut (see a theme here????) pizza, or cheese laden anything you can imagine - just NO."
I'm waiting for the word to become comfortable on my lips. I am waiting to feel like being healthy is who I really am. God, I hope the wait is a short one.

Yakkity yak, the fat came back....

2011-01-10T11:01:00.010-05:00

Ah, where to start? Or should I say, restart?
After a long hiatus from my blog, I have decided to return, after some prompting from a good friend. It's true, I have been missing the therapeutic tap, tap, tap of the keyboard as I pour my thoughts, ideas and random yadda yadda yaddas out into cyber space. But now that the wedding is over, I wondered if I'd still have anything to say?
Then I realized that when I began my blog, the sole motivation for doing it was to lose weight FOR the wedding......
Take a look at the picture to the left. Does it LOOK like that happened?
Uh, not so much.
Somewhere between July & October, I must have forgotten that I was on a diet. I remember the moment when it all started going south - July 9 to be exact when Josh and I threw our "Wedding Party" party and the non-stop bombardment of festivities began and lasted right through the wedding (and let's be honest, well beyond the wedding, too.....).
While I loved my dress and felt great in it, the cleavage it produced went all the up to my neck (especially when I sat down - I was literally almost suffocated by my own boobs) and my upper arms the size of beef briskets that it did not hide, was not the vision I held of what I would look like on my wedding day....and yet....there it was. Or, should I say, there I am.....
When I think back to the wedding day, there isn't a single regret other than my weight. My sister said it would happen and in my heart of hearts, I knew it would be true. The day itself and all surrounding details was probably the closest thing to perfection that I will ever experience in my lifetime. The weather was beautiful, everyone was happy (well, almost everyone - more on that later)... but all in all, it was a most glorious day and I could not have asked for more.
I married my best friend, and as I mentioned in a previous post that no matter what my size on that day, the most important thing was that Josh and I were saying I do.....
And it was.
And trust me when I say, my weight didn't deter me from having the most amazing day. If the reception proves anything, it's that fat girls can still move. For nearly 4 hours straight. It took my knees 2 MRI's and several months to recover - but my wedding video will surely attest that dancing was not a problem that day.
The problem isn't what happened on the wedding day. It's what happened after.
If I think I lost sight of goals and slipped BEFORE the wedding....I cannot begin to describe the food carnage that has been going on SINCE the wedding.
Double chin and size 18 jeans, welcome back. It is NOT good to see you, however, I can't blame anyone but myself for your presence. Apparently I told you to come by the way of sending you repeated chocolate cake and pizza invitations.
So, I've been depressed over this....probably more that I have let on to anyone. You know how you feel when you make a promise to yourself and you break it? I can tell you - you feel like shit.
And you get angry... a lot. Angry when it winds you just to tie your shoes. Angry when your boobs and stomach are capable of beeping the car horn (when you lean over to adjust the radio). Angry when your clothes don't fit and you resort to your husbands sweatshirts for your daily wardrobe. Angry when you look back at your Weight Watchers log from last year and see that once upon a time, you got under 200 lbs which was a HUGE deal to you and you vowed to yourself you'd NEVER let yourself go above that number again). Angry that your favorite past time has become cooking and you adhere to Paula Deen's theory that everything tastes better with butter. And angry that now you have to start ALL OVER AGAIN and all of that hard work you did last year? You tossed it in the shitter and flushed it into oblivion.....
It is really hard to start over. I think firstly, because you have to admit defeat. I mean, I am truthfully deathly afraid to step on the scale. I know without a doubt I am right back to where I was this time last year - which means I am probably hovering at the 230 mark.
I know this because certain pants no longer button and certain chins show up in every damn picture, no matter what angle I hold my head. I know because of the way I FEEL....I remember this feeling. A year does not wipe away the memory of what "rolypoly" feel like. So it's kind of amazing that even though I know what it felt like, I still allowed myself to get back there.
And, since this is obviously not my first rodeo, I know I need to give myself this tiny pissed off period and then just pick myself up by the bootstraps and switch gears - hard.
I need to tell myself to knock off the juvenile pity party and get to work. After all, I know it can be done. And this year, I don't have the stress of the wedding to worry about - although I do have the the big 4-Oh-My God to look forward to at the end of the year.....why I just reminded myself of that unfavorable fact, I'll never know.
And most importantly - I have ammunition to fight.....in the way of spousal support, exercise equipment and a body that isn't wheelchair bound - and that's a start. I really have absolutely no reason not to do this.
Oh, and did I mention I have about 3 bags of grapefruit in the fridge?
Now, if I could just get up the balls to throw away the homemade chocolate chip cookies.......

When my Mama said I look good in white....this isn't what she had in mind?

2010-10-02T05:33:00.004-04:00

Well folks, I have completely thrown both my scale and my sanity out the window....what good are either of those things when you're in the final countdown til wedding day, anyway? (cue cheesy song by 80's hair band Europe here).....

What I want to know is how the hell it got to be October when just yesterday, it was August?

I think I must have been in a DIY induced coma for the past month. I feel like Sleeping Beauty after being slipped a ruffie. Seriously, what the hell happened to the time?

We are exactly at one week away.....this time next week I will be hopefully sleeping but if I know myself I may be doing exactly what I am now, minus one thing. I'll probably be sitting at my computer, drinking coffee like it's my job, but the one thing I won't be doing is worrying about what still needs to be done, because as of this time next week - if it ain't done, it ain't gettin' done!

By this time next week, the rehearsal will have taken place, the rehearsal dinner will have been digested and the venue will have been decorated.....all Josh and I need to worry about is showing up!

And to be honest? I can't freaking wait!

Despite not losing the weight I wanted to (let's not go there right now shall we?), or being able to do some of the crazy shit I wanted to (like hang stuff from the ceiling), a the end of the day, we love each other, we are getting married, and we are going to have the time of our lives.

There's just one catch.

I just need to not be committed to an insane asylum before that moment arrives.....

Wish me luck!

Rule of Wedding Planning: What can go wrong, will.

2010-08-30T08:25:00.011-04:00

Want to know a sure fire way to get a bride to shit herself in the middle of a Michael's craft store?

Put out Halloween items in early August to remind her just how fast her October wedding (which is weeks BEFORE Halloween) is approaching.

If I was smart, rich, and had the good sense to hire a day of coordinator in the early stages of my planning, perhaps I wouldn't have had the spaz attack I had right there in aisle 13, as I perused, for what must be the umpteenth time, the glass section in search for the perfect centerpiece container. Guess what? The perfect glass centerpiece container apparently does not exist at Michael's - or anywhere else local that would save me a fortune in shipping costs. But this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to wedding planning inconveniences I have been enduring as of late.

In fact, the Halloween scare was just the grande finale to what has been a whirlwind 2 1/2 months or so since I have written last......this should give a clear indication as to how bat-shit crazy busy I have been since my class ended June 30th.

I have since discovered quite a few other ways that the stresses of wedding planning can cause a bride to soil herself. For starters? Have her find out her apparently unstable friend who is also a hair stylist (and dates and even more unstable guy) needs to cancel her services she promised to provide on the wedding day. Note: It is suspected the cancellation occurred because of said jackass guy, hence leaving the frazzled bride (who incidentally has the world's worst hair and could really use some major help that day) to scramble last minute for a new stylist in a town where she knows no one.

Another crap yourself bridal moment can occur when, for months, the bride has been diligently watching the calendar at her reception venue to ensure no one books the Friday before her wedding. This way, she and her wedding party can happily decorate the venue on Thursday in a STRESS-FREE, NO RUSH manner so that Friday and Saturday are left for things such as manis, pedis, cocktails, marriage and merriment.....But then at exactly 3 months out, some BIOTCH BRIDE books the venue for a wedding. Are you freaking kidding me???? While I can perhaps sympathize that she is having a shot gun wedding (because seriously why on God's green Earth would anyone, or COULD anyone for that matter, plan a wedding in 3 months. It took me 22 months...I'm just sayin'.....), this by far, screwed (and I am talking "drop the soap in prison" type screwed here) with my wedding weekend plan the most. This will never be more apparent than on the Friday night of my rehearsal dinner when I am still decorating, bleary-eyed and no doubt, in full Bridezilla mode, at 2 AM.

Hope that pregnant bride is happy.

And last but certainly not least, yet another fun way to make a bride have a mudslide in her delicates is to have her photographer not show up on the day her engagement session is scheduled, instilling ZERO confidence in him showing up on the actual day of the wedding. The fact that he profusely apologized and swore he had never ever ever missed a photography session in all of his years as a photographer did nothing to assuage my feelings of being the red-headed stepchild who is obviously so insignificant to him that I became the ONLY person he's ever dissed. Not to mention the light was gorgeous that night and, miracle of miracles, I was actually having a good hair day. Just to put it in perspective for you, this happens about as frequently as a sighting of Haley's Comet. The temperature was absolutely perfect and I was at the time, still feeling really great about picking Sam as our photographer.

However that all changed when the night we actually did end up rescheduling, it was humid as hell, I was sweating so profusely my hair was sticking to my face, and to top off the night some freakish flying bug swarm came upon us like the plague of the locusts. And for anyone who knows me well, that is probably the BEST way to get this bride to shit herself - Hands. Down.

So much has happened over these past months, in fact, that it is impossible to blog about it all in details so those are just the highlights.

To add to my insanity, my DIY list continues to grow. I seriously think I need to be committed.

My weight loss has completely stalled, as I hover today around 201.....my beach vacation did quite the number on me - and by number I mean 6.....as in 6 lbs. Back to the grind today.....I burned 440 calries on my elliptical today.....just need to keep with it.

School also starts today which has been known to throw me off the horse at times, but I am hoping to keep it together for at least the next 6 weeks. I think I can manage.....

So, until the next time I find a free hour or so.......

Favorite Things

2010-06-08T06:45:00.006-04:00

Bud Light that's limey and rich chocolate cake.....

Fried calamari and fruit pies that you bake....

Minty mojitos that wash down hot wings...

These are a few of my favorite things.....

When it's summer!

What that heat brings!

Making drinks by the vat...

I simply remember my favorite things...

But then I recaaaaalllll....how I got soooooo faaaaaaat........

Aaaaahhhh, yes summer......

It's officially upon us, and as the mercury climbs with each passing day, I feel my powers of will and ability to resist all things I consider "summer-related" weakening. Every season this happens. I tend to associate certain foods and activities with winter, spring, summer & fall and look forward to each one with the same enthusiasm as if I were welcoming an old friend back into my life after a 9 month hiatus from hanging out. While I love all of of my "seasonal friends" in their own special way, I have a particularly soft spot for summer. And really? Who doesn't?

Summer offers you the beach, warm air, the ability to hang outside while sporting minimal clothing, light in the sky until almost 9 PM, and the opportunity to have a multitude of picnics, parties and al fresco dining meals 'til your heart's content.

Summer is good. It's very, very good.

But aside from the afore mentioned wonderful aspects of summer, it has some rather diet sabotaging aspects to it as well.

To me, summer means cocktails - endless varieties and frequent consumption......and before you say anything, I realize technically I could make this claim about EVERY season (and probably already have) - but perhaps I should elaborate on one specific cocktail that I find embodies summer to the core. At this very moment I have more mint than I know what to do with growing in my backyard. It's a beast and is taking over, pushing the rock wall apart that Josh so carefully and loving put together with his bare hands when he moved into the house. When we planted it, I had no idea it was essentially a weed and would take off with such vengeance. But it did, and here we are, with a mountain of mint (and coincidentally, several varieties of rum residing in my liquor cabinet). So, I ask you - is it really just freak happenstance that mojitos are an extremely refreshing summertime beverage and mint just so happens to be one of the main ingredients?

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to get that this is pure kismet.

Cocktails aside, summer also provides us with delicious juicy strawberries, blueberries, peaches and raspberries that, agreed, are wonderful on their own when eaten from a bowl, with a spoon, but are ten times better when surrounded by a light flaky pie crust and a side of vanilla bean ice cream.

Oh, Ice Cream....

Don't get me started.

BUT, in February I made a promise to myself and I intend on keeping it.

Just because summer has represented all of these wonderful things in the past doesn't mean that modifications can't be made for this upcoming season of sol to make sure I don't lose sight of my goals. This past weekend showed me exactly how quickly one can become derailed when the food and drink blinders come off and you start eating like the person you were 25 pounds ago. Yikes!

I'm not making excuses (sort of) but it was Josh's birthday and as part of the birthday celebration AND to celebrate the meeting of Josh's weight loss goals (a whopping 82 pounds!), he requested a decadent chocolate cake and I was not going to disappoint him. I don't need to tell anyone that having an entire chocolate cake in a house with two people who equate it's addictive powers to that of crack cocaine is a bad idea......

Thankfully neither of us required an intervention or a stay at the Betty Crocker Clinic but it may have been touch and go there for a while. The cake is now gone, thank God, and life is back to normal. Or as normal as it can be with the two of us, and our three crazy hounds.

But it wasn't only the chocolate cake that interfered - at least not for me. We went out with friends on Friday and since we haven't done that in a while, (and Bud Light Lime was on tap at the bar), I imbibed.....probably the most I have since February. If I do drink these days, it's been primarily wine or a cocktail but I have been trying to avoid beer due to its magical bloating ability....but hot summer night and Bud Light Lime on tap was too good to resist - however the scale the following day let me know in no uncertain terms that I should have at least tried.

Top the weekend off with a decadent dinner with Josh's parents at the Peach and Frog in New Brunswick, where I proceeded to have tuna sashimi, hanger steak, half a bottle of wine and yet MORE chocolate cake and the scale was REALLY screaming bloody murder.

May had been a slow month in general for my weight loss so I knew that going into June, I was going to have to bust a move if I want to drop 30 more pounds before the wedding.....

Let's just say the birthday weekend did not help me in that particular endeavor. I was hovering at 200 lbs last week, just about to bust through to the 190's....Pre-chocolate cake, pre-booze, pre-food induced coma.

Today, I finally am back down to 200.5......but my weight had crept up to 202.5, which not only depressed me but made me realize that taking my eye off the prize for even a short time can wreak havoc on my system and mess with my progress big time. It just isn't worth it.

So it's back to the health kick this week, and I feel good about it. I've made a promise to get on my bike more, do more exercises with my hand weights and make better friends with my elliptical machine. Yes, it's summer - and while it may be a great season to be hazy and lazy it's an even better season to be active. So, despite knowing I will have to change my attitude a bit about the way I look at summer, I'm ok with it. I'm pretty sure I won't abandon all of my favorite things about the season, but instead, I hope to add a few new ones to the list.

I'm on Fire!

2010-05-22T16:38:00.008-04:00

I'm not sure when I came to the conclusion that DIYing practically my whole freaking wedding was a good idea but I am curious as to why those who knew this was going on have yet to physically come to my house to restrain me and stage a Marthavention????

I think, with just shy of 4 months to go that I have really lost my damn marbles.

While I've never been what one might describe as a simple person and have never been one to shy away from decorating projects (ask my roommate and friends who helped hang 100+ snowflakes from my apartment ceiling for a Christmas party a few years back), this time, I may have gone more than a little apeshit. I found out very quickly just how easy it is to do....

I'm on fire, people and I'm just getting started! I have ideas coming to me at all hours of the day and my frightening obsession searching the internet regarding all things bridal only helps to fuel the DIY flame....

Who the hell is this lunatic I've become? And can I get my own show on the WE channel?

The list of projects I have committed to seems to grow each day with the lure of saving money and adding that "personal touch" which, at the end of day, we know is total bullshit because let's face it:

#1) it really doesn't end up saving me all that much and

#2) Do people even give a rats ass about "personalization" at a wedding as long as you supply them with a limitless supply of top shelf booze?

Uh - Hells no.

However, I shall not be deterred! So far my list of DIY projects includes (but is not limited to):

Pomander balls for the ceremony (oh so time consuming)

Pom Poms

Table #'s

Centerpieces

All other decorations (of which there are many)

Favors

Escort Cards

Invitations & Reply Cards

Programs

Bathroom Baskets

Have I missed anything?

Oh - that's right - we're writing our own vows too.....

Sweet Jesus & Mary, have I gone mad?

After the wedding, I may be inclined to launch my own website called DDIY....DON'T Do It Yourself....Unless You're A Freaking Sadist. Or You Have A Shit Ton of Free Time On Your Hands And A Big Ass Glue Gun. Oh, And An Endless Cash Flow.

I, have none of those things, so I guess that just makes me a freaking sadist.

My biggest issue right now is that my summer class is rather intense and somewhat time consuming (then again, so is blogging - duh! Well, minus the intense part...). I suppose this is where my time management skills should kick in, if I had any.....which I don't.

Last night I had what I would by all definitions call a nightmare, where my wedding decorations that I had painstakingly planned out got taken over by my florist who proceeded to make the reception venue look something akin to a Red Hat Society function. In my nightmare, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, especially when I saw the red satin table cloths and red beaded flowers at each table setting, along with purple lace "accents" and worst of all - my manzanita branches were nowhere to be found.....The Horror!

I'm not surprised I had this awful dream , as I have been paranoid about my florist from the get go. I think he has essentially ignored all of my ideas but has more or less pushed his preferences on me....I'm not good at dealing with pushy people and he's one of them. I don't think he's really into the DIY bride and despite the flowers not being the central part of the decorations, I still want the bouquets and everything that is floral to be pretty.....and of course coordinated with the color scheme (which may have changed a few times over the course of the planning - sue me).

I have been avoiding e-mailing him about the fact that the flowers we had agreed on (which were primarily gem tones and did have some purple and red elements - YIKES!!!!) are now no longer appropriate since I found non-solid linens (stripes = more "beachy" feel) so I am yet AGAIN changing my mind about what I want.

I know this guy is probably going to tell my Bridezilla ass I am shit out of luck, but I am secretly hoping that's not the case and it's not too late to change the floral color scheme....

I haven't really signed anything yet but have given him a $500.00 retainer.....

Guess I should probably let him know my plans sooner rather than later. The sooner I do it, the less nightmares I'll have and frankly, I can't take another doozie like I had last night.

Ending this post on a high note, I am 1 pound away from reaching the 200 lb mark! I was 201 this AM, and hoping by the weekend, I can get below 200.....

That means no Slim-A-Bear Klondikes and (even more sadly) no mojitos......

But with the official onset of summer just a few days away, I am more than willing to make the sacrifice!

Some things just aren't meant to be fat free....

2010-05-20T08:48:00.005-04:00

You know what one of the most depressing things is about dieting?

Using fat free half & half.

That shit tastes NOTHING like the real thing.

And from a self proclaimed coffee junkie's point of view, it can kill your morning caffeinated cocktail in just one little pour.

My relationship with coffee's better half (and half) hasn't been an easy one. It all started when I developed a taste for "coffee" by going to Dunkin Donuts where I proceeded to order my coffee with cream and sugar. If I had to give an educated guess, I'd venture to say the coffee to cream ratio is about 1:1 when you order it that way. In other words, the beverage is damn near white in color. Hot milk, if you will, with a splash of something that may or may not have been picked by Juan Valdez. Add in the 5 lb bag or so of sugar they like to toss in there and you've got yourself a sugary, creamy scalding hot treat that someone had the balls to pass off as coffee. I used to enjoy this beverage at least once a day.

Knock Knock....Are we still wondering how I reached 232 lbs?

All I can say is, thank the Lord for the invention of Splenda..... barring, of course, any study that comes out in the future linking it directly to some hideous form of cancer.

The truth is, I've gone steady and broken up with half & half many times throughout my life, dumping it like a bad habit (which it was) whenever I was trying to lose weight. This time around, on Weight Watchers attempt #562, I decided I would try to keep it incorporated in my diet since 2 Tbsp is worth only 1 measly point.

That's all well and good when you have 26 points in the day to play with, as I did when I began the program in February. It never infringed on consuming other foods so I really didn't mind giving up the point in order to drink my coffee the way I enjoyed it best.

But since then, due to my weight loss (and hey, I'm not complaining!) I have dropped to an allotment of 24 points per day. And while 2 points doesn't sound like a lot for those that don't speak WeightWatchers-ese, it's a kings freaking ransom.

Or at the very least, it's a Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwich, which, when you're dieting, is essentially as valuable, not to mention as strongly desired, as a king's freaking ransom.

So, I've begun to juggle my points and figure out how I can get the most bang for my buck so to speak, for my points expenditure. I've had to take into account, I usually like to have my dessert fix somewhere in the day and am less likely to give that up than anything else. Using half and half just doesn't seem worth the point anymore.

Or so I thought - until I decided to end things with Cream and try to establish a love affair with Land o' Lakes Fat Free Half and Half. Let's just say it left me feeling.....well, unsatisfied.

My FMIL swears by the stuff and it's what she uses at her home and at the beach house so this isn't the first time I have consumed the stuff. But I find I never enjoy my coffee quite like I do when I am using the real deal.

I've toyed with the idea of drinking my coffee black, as I did when I was on the South Beach Diet - but I remember after a month or two of doing that it looked like I had a bad chewing tobacco habit, my teeth were so horribly stained. With the wedding coming up, a pearly smile is important to me and if I go the black route, I'd have to take stock in Crest White Strips. Frankly speaking, they're expensive and I'm unemployed, so it's safe to say that's not gonna happen. And that myth that once you go black, you never go back? Not true.

We're still talking about coffee here, right?

So, what's a java junkie to do?

Suck it up - that's what.......

I think back to the days when I didn't like beer. (I know, I know - insert laughter here).

I started by drinking half hard cider, half lager.....and then eventually grew to love....no, correction - FUCKING LOVE - just beer. Again, this love contributed greatly to my weight issues, but thats not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is - for me, beer was an acquired taste and maybe that's the case with fat free half & half too. If I can go halvies for a week or so and gradually switch to all fat free, maybe, just maybe I'll learn to like it.

And for zero points? It's worth a try.

Walking Down Memory Lane

2010-05-10T09:10:00.006-04:00

Exactly one year and four days ago, I started blogging about my weight loss attempt so that, in theory, for fear of public humiliation, I'd be forced to do something about the rapid expansion of my ass prior to getting married this fall. At the time I started blogging, I had no idea when my wedding date was going to be, and in addition, had no idea as to how truly unmotivated I was to shed the pounds. When I began writing, I felt as thought by making public my efforts at weight loss, I'd be more likely to do the work necessary to get fit 'n' trim once and for all. It's amazing just how delusional I was in the beginning. I never realized just how buddy buddy me and my fat had become.

Make no mistake - It's not that I didn't want to lose weight. That desire has been there since I was a teenager. In the past, though, the big motivator to slim down was never really for me personally - it was so that guys would find me attractive. It was my belief in my late teens, 20's and early 30's that the size of my ass was what stood between me and my true happiness. I placed such a focus on getting in shape for everyone OTHER than myself, no wonder I failed time and time again.

This time around, I already landed the man. Doing it for me was supposed to be the only other option - but I think I made the mistake of focusing more on losing weight for the wedding rather than placing myself and ultimately, my health, in the spotlight. Again, it failed.

That is, until February 20, when I made the commitment to both Josh and myself that I would honestly, truly and sincerely do it this time. And you know what? It worked!

Last year at this time I was frantically yanking every item of clothing I owned out of my drawers and closets, spewing curses like a demon during an exorcism. Panicked distress cries could be heard for miles as I tried on item after item, only to find them unzippable, unbuttonable, and with that said, obviously unwearable. I stood teary eyed in front of the full length mirror, ashamed I had let myself and my love of all things fatty and fried take over and reduce me to such a blubbery mess. Josh may have loved me with all his heart at that moment, but the truth was, I did not love myself.

I remember vividly what 230 pounds feels like on a 5' 0" frame. It sucks - more than you know. There isn't a bone that doesn't creak, a joint that doesn't hurt and there sure isn't an ounce of confidence to be found. That girl that started this blog a little more than a year ago was in really bad fucking shape. And that shape was ROUND.

Thankfully, something finally clicked. Or I assume it did. People talk about their "rock bottom" like it's a concrete thing they can identify as the catalyst to their weight loss. Personally, I feel like I've experienced a hundred "rock bottoms" - moments in time that I identified as my lowest, most emotionally draining points in life in direct relation to being overweight. But ironically enough, none of them really seemed to make the impact on me that one would expect they would. I'd go all half cocked on some weight loss regimen only to abandon it a few weeks later and pack the pounds back on that I had just lost.....what a vicious cycle.

If I have to credit anything, or anyone with inspiring me to lose weight for me, for good, this time, it of course would be Josh. He not only supported me emotionally, but also physically too, because he did the hard work with me - and then some! He has without a doubt worked harder at this than I ever could and the results are phenomenal. Who's going to argue with a 65 lb loss in less than 3 months? It's unfuckingbelievable! He is a new man and I am so stinking proud of him.

But today I hit my own mini-goal - 10% of my weight has now been lost. And I have no intention of finding it ever again. My weight today is 203.2 lbs and since Feb 20, I have lost 22.8 lbs. However, to put my earlier lack of motivation into perspective for you, since I began this blog last year, I have lost a total of 26.8 lbs - meaning the bulk of my weight loss has come only in the last 2 1/2 months.

Denial - it ain't just a river in Egypt, people. And I sure as hell has some serious issues with it by looking at those numbers.

It would appear that for a good 9 1/2 months, I talked about, blogged about and pretended to try to lose weight. I boo-hooed when I drank my face off and ate cake and enchiladas and didn't see the scale budge. Seriously - what was I smoking? What did I think was going to make the scale move? The hand of God?

My friend Sheryl was the only one that ever called me on my shit regarding the blog. She told me I was writing all this smack about attempting to lose weight but in reality all I was doing was making a whole lot of pathetic excuses as to why it wasn't happening. I'll admit - that stung a bit. But, she was absolutely right. Despite wanting to perhaps hear someone tell me it was Ok to eat crap and I should learn to love the skin I was in - that's not what I needed. I needed a frank talking to from someone who had my best interests at heart, and that came from Sheryl. After all, Josh loved me no matter what and he wasn't going to tell me something he knew might upset me. Plus, if I was unhealthy, that gave him free license to be unhealthy too. I was hurting us both. I recall thinking, why can't I just be happy with the fact that we are two foodies in love and and let this obsession with my thunder thighs go? (Never mind the fact I was so uncomfortable I couldn't breathe). However, Sheryl knew me better than that. I remember my initial "well, fuck you, too" attitude after she wrote me an e-mail about her concerns but then realized the only reason I was pissed off was because everything she said was (gasp!) true.

Josh eventually recognized it too. I think I must have complained a lot, and was miserable a lot because come February as the scale creeped back up to 228, and the evil repercussions of Christmas indulgence lingered into the new year, I was probably not a very fun person to be living with at that moment in time.

Enter Josh's Weight Watchers suggestion and instead of cutting it down like I had done every time Sheryl mentioned it previously, I thought, "Ok - Why the hell not?" And so, here I am - 5 months away from donning the Great White and already almost 23 pounds down. If I keep it up at this pace, I can be another 40 lbs thinner by the time I say "I do!"

While it may be short of my 90 lb loss goal that I set last year, I will be beyond happy if I get within 30 pounds of it. Because in the end, I have done it not only for the wedding, but this time, I have truly done it for myself so that I can lead a long, happy & healthy life with the man that I love. And really? Isn't that motivation enough?

Jealousy makes you do strange things.....

2010-04-29T08:17:00.013-04:00

Have you ever physically done something that you thought your body was completely incapable of doing?

I have - both at the beach last weekend and then again today during my morning walk. This thing felt oddly pleasing, yet left me quite breathless.

No, my dear friends, this thing does not involve a page of the Kama Sutra, so you can remove your minds from the dirty gutters in which they reside. This activity, in fact, has nothing to do with getting it on.....but more to do with getting it off.

The weight, that is.

So.... after all this hemming and hawing, what did I do that's so amazing, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. (drumroll please....)

I ran. That's right......R-A-N. Ran.

While this may not seem like such a big deal to most people, it's HUGE for me because of one simple reason: I never thought I could do it.

Fat people don't run. It's just a fact. And at 206.6 lbs, let's face it - I am still fat. It's OK to say it. I'm not in denial - there is still a long, long way to go.....

Make no mistake - I didn't run very far. And it not only sucked the wind right out of me but it also just plain old sucked. And I probably looked like a whale hopping on dry land while doing it, but the reality is, I put this chubby little body into jogging gear and I did it!

What is truly inspiring is that this spurn of new activity comes on the tail end of a pretty shitty week for me. It's the last week of the semester and I had a few major projects due and a test to study for that had me hitting the peanut butter jar pretty hard. (Jif is the new Grey Goose, no????). And I am PMSing. Hard.

Despite having these things to fall back on and excuse any bad behavior, I'll admit I went a little overboard. Sadly, I am paying the most valuable price, which is the slowing down of my weight loss. You see, it wasn't just the peanut butter. On top of that, I may as well confess that I threw more than a few chocolate chips on top of those heaping spoonfulls of creamy Jif, and in doing so, literally had to cover my mouth to stifle squealing with orgasmic delight as the chocolate and peanut butter flavors collided with each other on my tongue, and then continued to party like it was 1999, right there on my taste buds! Hell yes, it was that good. And let's face it, I have been missing chocolate like nobody's business and the anticipated arrival of Aunt Flo made me feel like I needed a fix.

Oh, but the shame.

I certainly couldn't let Josh (aka, the Diet Nazi) know I was shoving my mouth full of Jimmy Carter's finest and Nestle morsels because seriously, the guy hasn't eaten one bad thing since February 20. It makes me both extremely proud of him yet pisses me off at the same time. I truly admire his steel force willpower but it has caused me to be disappointed in myself because, my stinking willpower? Has apparently taken a freaking holiday.

Can I blame it on my hormones, at least? The way I felt this past week it's a wonder I didn't completely nose dive right off the wagon. I was one PMS episode away from ordering up a large pepperoni and sausage pizza and washing it down with a pitcher of margaritas, but thankfully I think I have reached a place in this lifestyle change that has caused me to cheat in much smaller ways. The scarfing down of the peanut butter and chocolate wasn't great, but it wasn't as evil as say, devouring an entire pizza. And the caloric content of just one margarita alone? It's like a full meal in a glass, so I know to stay away from those. Hey - I'll consider that progress.

So back to the running issue. This is actually something I have been toying with in my head for years now - ever since I heard about the Cool Running website ( http://www.coolrunning.com/index.shtml ) and their Couch to 5K running program, I have had visions of myself (100 lbs thinner, of course) running in a cute matching set sports bra and tight shorts along a beach somewhere. So many ex-fatties-turn-runners give major props to Cool Running and credit their Couch to 5K program with getting them in shape. I can't tell you how many times I have visited this site. I have probably single handedly contributed to acres of rain forest being lost due to my constant printing out of the steps to the program. And yet, I never got off my fat ass to do it. Sorry trees.

In my defense, those other times were during my former life as a commuter and so the reality of me running was only going to happen if I tethered myself to the side of the Beiber bus and ran alongside of it on Route 78 each morning and evening. I barely saw daylight hours as it was, and on the weekends when exercise could have been in the cards, I was too busy catching up on laundry and getting my drink on. Hello? Priorities, people!

But times are much different now, and even with the stress of school and the time that it takes to do my work, along with planning the wedding, I do indeed have time to exercise. When lack of time was a factor, I found it was very easy to excuse away my fat and pretend that it wasn't my fault. Now? With blood results showing no insulin resistance problem and no job to suck every last minute of my day away from me, what do I have left to hide behind? Nothing, that's what. Not a freaking thing. Sucks to be me.

Or does it?

But again, I digress.....back to jogging and why one day, I will be in that sports bra and short set, dammit!

I made the mistake of mentioning in passing the Couch to 5K program to Josh. I have been with the man over 2 years now so I should know better than to say something and not expect him to jump on it full force. In his mind, by me mentioning the Couch to 5K program, that meant I was actually going to get my ass off the couch and attempt to run a 5K. If 5K stood for 5 Kit Kats and the goal was to get off the couch and eat them, I'd have no problem meeting that goal. However running 3.1 miles was another story.

In my mind, I was just going to think about the program a little while longer and maybe talk about it some more, and then, in the end, probably never really do it. This is not the way Josh functions.

No - instead Josh started running. And not bullshit runs, like the one I did today - these are real, honest to goodness runs. Over the course of 3 weeks he has built up to running 4 miles (no breaks!) and has signed up for his first 5K next weekend in Bethany Beach. Um - shit????!!!!!

He even bought the Nike sneakers that sync up with his iPhone and has software to track his progress and speed and distance and all of that runner-y stuff I am not cool enough to talk about yet. In other words, he is making me look like total lazy fat ass. His near 60 lb loss is making my 19.4 lbs loss look downright pathetic. In the last week, he has dropped about 7 lbs. Yeah - I said 7.

I'm not saying running is a magic weight loss pill, but fuck me if he didn't drop the last 12 or so pounds in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I want that. My green eyed monster is starting to emerge. And that bitch wants to run.

Which brings me to today. We walk around the town square in the morning, doing anywhere from 8-12 laps. The square itself is roughly 1/3 mile per 1 lap. I have decided to start slow and build myself up to a more gradual increase. I know my body well enough to realize I do not have Josh's Bionic Man type stamina. I walked 3 of the 4 sides and ran the 4th side of the square. I first fully walked 2 laps entirely to warm up and then the last 6 laps, did the 3 side walk, 1 side run rotation. I will do this for a week then try walking 1 side, running 1 side for 8 laps and work my way up from there.

Now... if only I could figure out what to do with my boobs?

Beacause running with Double D's? Not so much fun. Unless of course, you are the perverted guy standing on the corner watching me. I imagine it's a little like Baywatch, but Belvidere-style. And you know what? It ain't pretty.

It's 6 months to your wedding - Do you know where your clone is?

2010-04-13T08:32:00.005-04:00

It's another day where I am finding it hard to get motivated to do my school work. I have a lot of it to do. It's staring me in the face. I know it needs to get done....so what the heck is my problem?

I'm going to blame today's distraction on TheKnot.com.

I'm convinced it is their goal to make future brides shit their pants on a monthly basis.

Case in point - The other day I received my reminder from them that we had hit the 6 month to wedding mark!!! - and basically with that comes an e-mail detailing a laundry list no shorter than the length of the Great Wall of China of "stuff that's gotta get done NOW". They arrange it month by month in a format that is supposed to make you feel calm, organized and in control - but in reality makes you feel as if the world is going to cave in if you fall behind on even one "to do" in their carefully laid out plan. Perhaps my trouble started when I thought I could DIY the whole damn wedding and get it all coordinated with out the benefit of, well, a coordinator. I think I have somehow forgotten that I am an integral part of this wedding day, in that I am one of the two people getting married, THEREFORE, not having the time to set up all of my lovely decoration stuff the day of the wedding.

Hmmmm....dilemma.

TheKnot.com tells me that this month we were supposed to already have our invitation wording figured out so the invitations could be ordered this month. I gave Josh the assignment to work on the honeymoon plans and the invitation wording, and I will say he's been doing a good job on both. But his latest intro to the invite reads "High Tide and High Times."

Mmmm, ok yes - while to most people that may sound festive, with the beach wedding and all - with my extended family, that's just an crystal clear invitation to come to the wedding completely stoned.....

Needless to say, I think a bit of word revision is in order.

I am freaking out because I actually had a bad dream a few months ago that I had forgotten to mail out our invites, so basically no one showed up to our wedding. Knowing me, this could very much become a reality if I don't get my shit together. And FAST.

As for the weight loss....we are trucking along at a decent pace. That has not been put on the back burner. We may have no invitations, or people showing up but at least we'll be thin!

Josh is down to 259 lbs....AMAZING!!!! 43 pounds - gone - literally in what seems like the blink of an eye. I think it's safe to say that Josh could do for Boca Burgers what Jarred Fogel did for Subway. Seriously - the guy is living on these things right now.

As for me? I'm more the "turtle" than the "hare" right now, with a modest 17.25 lb loss.....Today's weight - 208.75!!!!

I am only 5 1/2 lbs from my 10% goal so, I won't downplay it too much - I am very excited! I'd like to reach that in the next 2 - 3 weeks if possible. It blows my mind that this is all actually working out and I think by the wedding, I will hopefully have met my goal of 40 lbs. After the wedding, I can work on the next 40!

Fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed!

Sometimes I get so distra.....uh... what was I saying?

2010-03-31T10:18:00.005-04:00

I'm horribly distracted....

I have a million and one things I need to be doing.....I'm starting to get a bit panicky.

The list keeps growing and I'm being buried alive under a pile of virtual to dos that include projects related to the wedding, school, moving, house, beach and whatever else is swimming around in my head these days. I have a SHIT TON to do. Unfortunately, blogging isn't high on the priority list right now. Oddly enough, here I am. Hello avoidance, I've been expecting you.

School is the main focus (a-hem, correction - should be the main focus) right now. There's quite a few projects, their due dates looming in the dangerously near future, that I just can't seem to sit down and finish. It's irritating and frustrating but I seem to have lost all focus and it's a bitch trying to find it again.

This is no doubt my self diagnosed adult ADD kicking in - I start one thing with complete gusto then about half way through go onto something else and have zero desire to finish the other project I've started....

If that doesn't reek of a dysfunctional disorder of some sort, I don't know what does.

I realize I'll be cursing myself next week if I don't get at least part way through the list (between today and tomorrow), but I suspect that's just par for the course. Bust out the Cuss Jar, people - I've got cash money!

Josh and I are (yey!!) beach bound this weekend so that also severely cuts into my school work time, although let's face it, with 74 degree weather approaching, I doubt I'd get much done here anyway. Spring has definitely sprung and I am eager to end this semester and bust a move on some wedding projects I have been putting off. Today the goal is to finish the save the dates for my cousins and get them in the mail.

Wish me luck.

On the surface, that project may seem relatively undaunting. However it requires a trip to Staples which requires me to shower, which requires me to work out first ....so you can see how this is all going to go down today, can't you?

The good news is, I've already walked my 4 plus miles this morning, so I suppose if I moved the Total Gym and Bose Ball workout to later it wouldn't kill me. The problem is that if I wait - I know it won't get done. I'm getting comfortable with getting up to tackle the morning walks without bitching up a storm and throwing a hissy fit (it's only taken me about 6 weeks to feel this way - poor, poor Josh) but the other work outs have not become as "habit-y" as the walks, and I can sort of take them or leave them, depending on my mood. More often than not, I choose to leave them. And that's when I see Josh working out....and then I feel horribly guilty.....so then I (begrudgingly) work out. That man is evil......and, let's face it, one smart cookie. He knows the guilt thing is his secret weapon and he is not afraid to use it. This is why I sometimes hide up in my office on days when he's home. :-) Hear no Evil Workout...See No Evil Workout.... Do No Evil Workout. Ya dig?

The weird thing is I honestly have barely worked out the last 3 days but I am down to 211.75 today.....so the scale keeps moving down which means I have apparently awoken the sluggish beast, aka, my metabolism and now have it working, even if I'm not.

It's a tough pill to swallow (and a hell of a lot less tasty that chocolate cake), but I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea that exercise is really good for me and that once I get into it, it will become second nature. I can't discount the fact I am sticking to this and am seeing my hard work pay off. It makes me proud, and yes, it helps keep me on track.

Now if only I could say the same of my home work......

I smell grills....they're multiplyin'...and I'm losin' control....

2010-03-29T08:33:00.005-04:00

It's another fabulous Monday morning - dreary and coldish with a constant threat of rain. In other words, if I was a duck, (much like the ones that set up residence in my neighbor's front yard across the street), I'd be diggin' it.

Last I checked, no webbed feet here - but one thing is for sure - I am in desperate need of a pedicure.

Tomorrow's forecast is more of the same, but 10 degrees cooler. Dragging my ass to class tomorrow evening should be interesting. I don't know why, but I always feel like when the weather is bad, we should be able to stay home. Yes, I'm 38 years old but that doesn't mean I have stopped looking for a reason to skip class.

The good news is, the weekend's forecast is calling for sunny and warm weather, which is a good thing since Josh and I will be at the beach making some oh so important (gag) floral decisions and hopefully meeting with our crazy cake lady (who still has yet to deposit my $100 check, despite her receiving it in January). If possible, Josh and I also want to get our freebie beach portrait done with the dogs, compliments of Josh's dad who won a gift certificate for a session last year and passed it along to us. I'd love to be a little thinner for this photo shoot but you know what, you can't have everything?

Overall, I have been doing quite well on this WW "journey" - down to 213.25 lb today, even with the onslaught of my hellacious period (here for the freaking SECOND time this month, thank you!) so I at least know that even the Slim a Bear Klondikes I have been eating with utter delight on a nightly basis aren't keeping me from weight loss.

That, ladies and gentleman, is what you call encouragement!

Josh has been dubbed the Weight Watchers Nazi - although he's really not following the WW plan as they would recommend. Meaning he eats significantly less points than I do per day (my allotment is 25) and his exercise habits are on par with a contestant on the Biggest Loser right before a weigh in. For instance, yesterday while I whined and complained of cramps and begged and pleaded to not have to go on our morning walk, he simply kissed me on cheek, said "See ya later" and proceeded to walk 9 miles with the dogs, sans Ro Ro. He does it without me....without complaint, without prodding......

9 freaking miles - without an iPod, mind you. Who does that????

The man who has lost over 32 pounds in 5 weeks, that's who. It is quite remarkable actually.

I'm beyond proud of him but I do wish he'd relax a little when it comes to food. I mean, how much vinegar can one person consume?

Unfortunately, I think he is getting zero enjoyment out of this diet. And while I get that the concepts of dieting and fun don't normally go hand in hand, I do think giving yourself a break every now and again and having a 3 point Klondike bar makes this whole process a little more like living real life.......and it keeps a person sane. He has charts and tallies and all of this stuff that monitors his exercise compared to his weight loss and it's really impressive but I also think its making him a bit neurotic. I'm watching closely for signs of Manorexia.....

The thing I have learned about him in the past 2 years is that he is an all or nothing type of guy.....he can't slip even a little because then he feels like it's all over. I just worry that when he starts to eat normally again, he won't be able to control himself and bad habits will creep back in. I truly feel that by doing it my way (and having the occasional treat), I am getting a grip on my eating, understanding portions and not falling victim to feeling the need to put CHEESE on everything (sadly, salt is another story). Also? I've discovered that life truly does go on without cream cheese and bagels and fried calamari (just a few things I am missing...hard - can you tell?).

One of the big challenges Josh and I have had to overcome has been happening regularly on our nightly walks around the town square. Make no mistake - it's apparently grilling season in town and the smell of searing meat wafting from people's back yards, hitting full blast into our nostrils is enough to get both of us drooling like a pack of Pavlov's dogs. We normally do a 10 lap walk so imagine what two humans plus 3 actual canines all dripping with saliva look like as we walk past the offending griller's house. TEN TIMES. It's really uncool.

Ok - go ahead and add beef to the list of things which I am missing hard at the moment.

But, one can't argue with success. Even though I had a small gain last week, I plugged on through. There is a sort of calmness about me during this weight loss attempt that I don't recall experiencing before. Perhaps it's due to finally seeing some results. And I don't just mean on the scale. Before I started this, my knees were begging for mercy and threatening to call it quits. Not anymore - now they feel strong and no longer hurt when I walk - whether it be up the stairs or 5 miles around town.

In 5 weeks, I've lost a tad over 5% of my body weight, and feel like I am finally seeing glimpses of a healthier me. Now that is something to celebrate. :-)

It's working! It's really working!!!!!!

2010-03-08T09:48:00.004-05:00

Oh Glorious, glorious Monday!

Why is it that I never said those words when I was a working woman?

Maybe it's the weather today that has me feeling so 'up and at 'em' this morning. Or maybe it's because I feel like for the first time in a loooooooooooooong time my diet attempt is actually WORKING?????

This is big news, folks.

Despite my attack on the WW points system last week, I am doing amazingly well on the plan. I am just shy of losing 8 lbs in just a little over 2 weeks. I'm actually the lowest I have been in what seems like forever and there is no stopping me now. This morning's weigh in revealed 218.75.....yes - in the teens - finally! It seems like this entire past year has been all about going up and down the 220's scale but I have broken that barrier and have no intention of going back.

Of course this is the week Aunt Flo is in town so who knows what havoc she will wreak on my poor body. One never can tell what that biotch will throw my way. Speaking of which, I really need to find the bottle of Aleve because right now, I think Aunt Flo is using my uterus for a punching bag. Told you she was a biotch.

Uterine pain and bloating aside, Josh and I have been consistent about our morning walks.....we've worked up to a little over 3 miles with the dogs - so while we aren't doing a super fast clip, it's still a good distance to go and therefore a good calorie burn. Hey, the soreness in my arse doesn't lie!!

Josh of course is making amazing progress - 15 pounds!!! I cannot compete with this man so I don't even try. We are just there to encourage and cheer on each other and keep each other from the evil magnetic powers of baked goods. We actually bought the WW 1 point cakes yesterday and laughed when we saw how small they are......seriously - it's not even worth the two bites they give you and as soon as I was done chewing, I just wanted to tear into the rest and eat the whole damn box. Oh well - moderation, right?

I did buy some sugar free Klondie bars yesterday that are so worth the 3 points they cost.....

What would I do for a Klondike bar??? Um, just about anything. Yes, they are that good.

Other than that, no new tales to tell. This is spring break week but I still have homework and mucho wedding stuff to take care of.

Today is Josh and my 2 year dating anniversary.....we might be going to dinner but I think both of us are a little nervous about eating out. We went to Olive Garden with his parents on Saturday before we registered (SOOO much fun!!!) and were smart enough to print the nutritional info out before going there. Can I just say - Oh-My-GOD. No wonder this country is filled with obese people.

Josh and I ordered the only 2 meals at about 300 calories.....and I think even those were underestimated. Most of the meals (even for lunch) were in the 600 calorie - 1000 calories range. Yikes!

I am just happy I enjoy cooking and have learned how to make healthy things.....I don't know how people can eat out all of the time. Not only is it expensive, but the quality of food just isn't there.

Anyway - I'll get off my soapbox (for now).

Time to finalize the wedding guest list so my sister and mom can finalize some shower details. They have been driving me nuts!

Points System -You are the Devil!

2010-03-05T09:38:00.005-05:00

It's the eve of finishing my second full week on Weight Watchers as well as being the official beginning of my Spring Break from school. Tomorrow is week two weigh in......and I'm nervous.

Will I have a banner week or won't I????

I'm feeling good about having walked at 6:40 this morning for about 50 minutes (it would have been longer but Josh and I had a stupid argument so I walked home early) but as I sit here typing this, something is bothering me. I've had coffee and a cup of yogurt this morning and frankly, I'm a wee bit ravenous.

Why is it that every time I try to diet, all I can do is think about food? And I don't just think about it - I OBSESS over it. If my thoughts were drifting to plates full of broiled tilapia fish and steamed broccoli I might be Ok, but if I'm being honest, candy bars, cosmos and cherry pie are really what's got me drooling......

This may have all started the other night when I presented this dandy little can of worms conversation starter to Josh: "So, what food do you miss the most being on this diet?"

His answer was a fast and furious reply of "chocolatecakeandabigglassofmilk" which spewed from his mouth so quickly, I had no doubts that he had been sitting next to me having the same food cravings and fantasies I have been for the last 2 weeks. It's nice to know at least I'm not alone.

Look - dieting blows and there really is no two ways around it. You are NOT going to get skinny eating chocolate cake, that I can assure you. After all, that's pretty much the diet I have been on and off the last 20 odd years and I can safely say that by the looks of my ample ass, it's not working.

The tricky part I'm finding with Weight Watchers is the points tally system. What I once considered the easiest thing about this diet has now become the thing that has completely thrown me for a loop. I just found out I have been, to some extent, doing it all wrong and THAT pisses me off.

Apparently when you create a recipe you have to add all the calories, fat and fiber of each ingredient that you are using in order to calculate the points....so just because you eat a 1 point Boca Burger on a 1 point english muffin, you really have a 3 point sandwich. Say wha---?

I'll be the first person to admit I suck at math but I can add single digits and that crap just doesn't make sense to me. Josh tried to tell me the other night (as I prepared my shrimp pasta dish that went from 6 to 8 points in a flash) that that's how you do it - but I got all high and Weight Watchers mighty on him by saying (perhaps somewhat condescendingly) I have been on the plan MANY TIMES and doesn't he think I know what the hell I am doing by now???

Uh, apparently not. Sorry, honey. Forgive me???

So, I've now had the rude awakening realizing I've been shoving my face happily with what I THOUGHT were low point meals but am sadly mistaken. This really sucks.

It completely changes my thinking.....

Discovering the recipe builder on WW's online tools was both a blessing and a curse because that's how I figured out the hidden points I wasn't calculating actually need to be factored in. It makes being on this plan all the more challenging.

As Josh fantasizes about missing his chocolate cake, I think I am really missing the alcohol - probably more than I should be. I had a Bud Light after class last night and the beer that I once referred to as 'watered down piss in a can' tasted so heavenly, I realized that dieting like this will really make you lower your standards, as long as it costs you less WW points!

While I really want to say I am enjoying this process, I'm not sure I am comfortable with that phrase just yet. My focus is on my health and of course looking good on my wedding day. I'm sticking to it and know that this process is not going to click overnight....

But in the meantime, I feel good knowing I am at least now correctly informed and can go forward doing the plan the way the Devil, I mean Weight Watchers, intended....

Got the bouquet blues....and some other stuff

2010-02-23T08:21:00.005-05:00

I know I always seem to be saying this, but time sure does fly....and that goes for even when you are NOT having fun. Which has pretty much been my story for this past month.

I'm not sure how an entire month just slipped away but here I am at the tail end of February, staring out of my office window at the freezing drizzly crap that's falling from the grey sky and thinking that in less than 7 1/2 months, I'll be getting married. On the BEACH. Goodbye freezing drizzle - hello sand and sunny skies! I'm begging you Mother Nature - please, NO hurricanes.

There is still so much to do and now that I am in the thick of school, I feel panicked that all of the wedding stuff I know I have yet to iron out is just being sort of ignored - not deliberately - but just because I am a bad manager of time and am here blogging when I should be doing my research paper or looking for wedding invitations, or tackling a plethora of other stuff that is on my ever growing list of crap needing to be done.

If we're talking strictly about wedding stuff and you're Josh, you just say, "What stuff? Everything is taken care of and we don't need to do anymore".

If you're me, you say, "Utter bullshit."

Granted, some things are coming along.....for example the bridesmaid dress debacle has been resolved (do you believe in miracles?) and they are finally ordered and should be in sometime between June and August. I also got good news from Dawn at Salero that they are now providing a beach chair service for the wedding ceremony which is at least $100.00 cheaper than the quote I received from Grand Rental Station, so cheers of happy happy joy joy for that little unexpected bonus!

But of course with each bit of good fortune, there is a monkey wrench lurking around the corner just waiting to smack me in the face. Enter Bayberry Florist with their less than professional e-mail to me letting me know that they now have a family wedding on 10/9/10 and will no longer be able to do the flowers for our wedding. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I suppose as God's twisted answers to my prayers, I recently received an e-mail from the other florist Josh and I met with over the summer, asking me if I have anyone to do my flowers yet. (Actually, no, but thanks for rubbing it in). The problem was that he was kind of a gigantic asshole when we met with him. I don't think he cared for my unhomofabulous Home Depot paint swatches as color inspiration and general lack of organization of any kind. Plus, I kept telling him that I wasn't crazy about pink and yellow flowers, yet he kept showing me pictures of - you guessed it - freaking pink and yellow flowers!!! Time for a cochlear implant there, buddy! To make a long story short - we just weren't feeling each other.

At the end of the day, he's not really who I wanted to work with, but I suppose beggar brides can't be choosy. Besides I decided I may drive myself even more crazy by DIYing my centerpieces, so I really only need him for beach arrangements and bouquets, boutineers and corsages. I found some great glass containers at TJ Maxx and now all I need to do is commit to those Manzanita branches I have been eyeing up online and it's centerpiece making and pulling out my hair on the agenda for October!

To top off the stress, Josh and I have committed to doing Weight Watchers online. Sheryl is ecstatic that I FINALLY saw the light here.....really, it was Josh's doing. Less than kind comments from my sister provoked it. Yes, she's my sister, and my matron of honor and I love her - but when it comes to criticizing , she can be Biotch of the Year. Trust me.

So, Josh signed me up on Saturday and he created a spread sheet for himself and we are counting points like good little WW drones.....(we are also hungry).

I have dropped 3 1/2 pounds since Saturday so who am I to complain?(Oh that's right - I'm me - complaining is what I do).

Right now I am hovering at 222.5 lbs......so that actually puts me a pound behind schedule if I am looking at my pound per week loss (dammit), but I think I can make up for it down the road. We've been working out too and Josh is a fantastic motivator. Overall, I feel very good about this and am trying to be realistic about my goal and be positive about this experience. I've been on WW for what seems like a million times, so I know the drill. I think once I get into a little bit more, I'll be able to forget about chocolate and just be happy with looser pants.

That's it for now - I really do need to get that research paper done so I can maybe do a little wedding research before class tonight. Until next time....(and really, who knows when that will be???)

I am NOT a Bridezilla, I'm just confused.....

2010-01-21T10:13:00.006-05:00

It's Thursday morning, just after 10:00 and although I should be reading the 9 chapters I was assigned for my class Tuesday night, I have wedding stuff on the brain and am finding it hard to concentrate. Part of me really wants to call my friend Val - the only bridesmaid I have right now that is still willing to talk wedding smack with me and not hate my guts for it. As for the rest of the girls, I'd be willing to bet they think I have become incredibly annoying, acting all bride-y and shit. Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to chat today and get the much needed phone therapy I desire. I have a doc appt at 2:00 and still need to work outbefore I go (although Josh and I did walk for 30 mins this AM in 22 degree weather....bbbrrrrr).

So, yes, it's true I'm having some issues with the bridesmaid dresses - as in I can't make a f-ing decision to save my life. The problem began back in the day when I started planning all of this stuff, I decided that I absolutely HAD to have silk shantung. It's shiny and rich looking, comes in amazing colors and photographs gorgeously. So what's the dealio, you ask? Um, it's a tad pricey.

And since I'm already asking people to travel far and wide and pay for overnight accommodations for a long weekend for this wedding, it seemed only fair to try and be as budget conscious about the dresses as possible.

I've found a few that I thought would work but since I bought 144 teal votive candle holders, I am committed to teal as my color. But last night when my sister and Janet went to try on the dress that I thought would be "the one", let's just say it wasn't. The color was right but the style was all wrong. Suffice it to say I do not want my 7 bridesmaids to look like they are all with child. And that's precisely what this dress would do to them. And then they'd REALLY hate my guts.

So - on to plan B......find more teal dresses!!!! Preferably in taffeta....with the color erring on the dark side - in other words, not Miami Dolphins aqua.....

It is an October wedding after all - beach or no beach.

I told the girls I'd have my decision made last night and here I am, STILL all confused about what to do. I didn't dare e-mail them because #1, they are no doubt sick of my mass e-mails and #2 I am sure they are already talking crap about me anyway over this dress thing (hell, if I were them, I would). Josh has taken to calling me Bridezilla but I emphatically deny that I am anywhere near this level of pushy, bitchy, asshole brideness - I am NOT that bad. I just want what I want....and, I SUCK ass at making final choices. That doesn't make me a Bridezilla. What it does make me is irritating as all get out - but you know what? I can live with that.

Ultimately, to make matters simple, I could go with the Belsoie dress I originally had chosen but my sister revealed to me last night that it really wasn't her favorite and in all honesty, now that I have seen dresses on that have a fuller skirt, I tend to like that styling better.

Kill me now.

Are we beginning to understand why I eat?

Anyway, I'll get it all figured out eventually and I still have a bit of time to decide. I promise to not harass my b'maids until I do.

I'll give it some thought while I'm on the elliptical trainer.....

Off the Sauce

2010-01-11T09:00:00.008-05:00

Oh glorious frigid Monday!

I welcome you and your 16 degree temperature! You helped my body burn more calories on today's morning walk just to prevent me from turning into a human ice cube!

Hey - I'll take the calorie burn any way I can get it - even if it means subjecting myself to unbrrrrrlievably cold walks with Josh in the AM.

I told you I was committed.

We've officially hit the 9 month mark here, people....there is NO messing around at this point.

I can feel the sand on my toes already.....aaaahhhhhhh.

All in all, last week was a good one. I feel wildly rejuvenated in this new year/new me phase of life, and dare I say overly optimistic about what I can personally achieve in the next few months. I realized Josh and I will be getting our long overdue engagement session photos done in the early spring so I really have less time to get to what I feel is my comfort zone weight than I thought I did. At first I panicked but then, after chewing it over (did you know there are no calories in thoughts??), I just decided that I need to be even more focused and not let myself get lazy these next few months. With a dress coming in one size smaller, there is no wiggle room for lazy.

It's amazing that the no drinking policy I have enforced on myself is what is really bothering me this past week. I'm not saying I have an issue with alcohol (never mind bar photo above), but somehow watching the playoffs last night sans beer in hand, seemed a little - I dunno - wrong????

It's no exaggeration that since classes ended in the beginning of December, I may have partook in a bit more holiday cheer than let's say, the average elf, and while doing so completely ignored the fact that those Chelsea Sidecars I grew so fond of (damn you, Mr. Bostons Drink Guide), actually HAD (more than I care to know) calories in them! But, to be sure, by the time Josh and I were hanging our stockings by the (I wish) chimney with care on December 24, the affects of those oft ignored calories soon would be there. And by there, I mean nestled, all snug in my fat cells.....with visions of sugar plums, indeed. In fact, visions of ANYTHING with sugar, is more like it.

Bah Humbug I say!

So while my self inflicted sobriety streak is not my favorite part of this "lifestyle"plan, I feel it is a necessary one for now. And no, I don't need a 12 step program to help me through it, thanks.

With a loss of 1 and 1/2 lbs this week, I won't argue with results. And although it's not the kind of loss Josh usually experiences when he starts a health kick (uh, like 11 lbs in a week? I love him but SHIT!!! Come on!!! 11 freaking pounds?????), it is what my body feels I deserve and I won't complain. I look at it as a 1/2 lb more than what was on my list of goals. It is a positive - not a negative. I can keep this pace up. It doesn't scare me as much as hoping for a 2 lb or more loss every week and often being disappointed. The goal is 1 lb a week - anything more is a total bonus.

This type of weigh loss plan is not only manageable, but it is also NOT overwhelming, which I think is key. After all, I certainly didn't feel like I killed myself this week to drop a pound and a half, but I was more conscious about portions and what I ate and of course then, there is the exercise. As much as I hate to say it, I do know in my heart of hearts that it is this element of the plan that is going to get me the results I want. (Sigh).

So, with that said, I have my walk in today but still need to get on the elliptical machine. One week in and I am not sick of it yet - it's a good sign!

I still have quite a bit of wedding stuff to tackle this week before school begins......but things are starting to take shape. Now only if my body will follow!

All I want for Christmas is my neck to reappear....

2010-01-04T10:47:00.004-05:00

Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lange syne?

Seriously - what the hell does that song mean anyway?

If those old acquaintances should happen to refer to sugar, fat and flour and the ingredients of all of my favorite but unhealthy foods, then yes, indeed, they should be forgotten. And those days of auld lange syne? If they should happen to refer to the gluttonous feeding frenzies and alcohol indulgences of the past decade then, yes, they too should be kicked to the curb and the old memory bank cleared of them - permanently.

It's not only a new year, but it's also a new decade and the health kick promises of yore still ring as loudly in my ears as the clinking of champagne glasses from this past New Year's Eve....

Those last year resolutions, now embarrassingly referred to as my list of empty promises, have a way of making me feel like a failure - and for good reason.....

My Lord, what have I done to myself this past year?

All I can do is point to the above photograph and gasp in horror as I search in vain to find the place where my neck once resided.....

As one can easily see, it appears to have gone missing. I swear to God I used to have one.

It's no wonder why, so I won't bore you with the gory (albeit delicious) details. What I will say is this....only linebackers should be sporting the no neck look - not little 'ole 5' me.

That picture is about as fat and fugly as I ever want to be captured in any digital capacity and I am so deeply disturbed by it and the triple chins it so grandly exposes that today is THE DAY I wholeheartedly vow to myself and the world to make them go away, and in turn, see if I can coax my neck back to it's rightful place (below just ONE chin, thanks).

The weight today after 2 cups of coffee, a lame attempt at a dump and several pees, is a very troubling 228.6.....

The holidaze chewed me up and spit me out like a bad fruit cake, and now it's time to repair the damage - and then some. So, being the new decade and all, I did dedicate some brain power to thinking seriously about some resolutions that I believe are both reasonable as well as doable....

Let's face it kids, with just about 39 weeks to the wedding, I can't afford to be in denial any longer. And with that triple chinned stranger staring back at me in that New Year's Eve photo, I realize losing myself this deeply is both a crying ass shame AND a huge problem - and as we all know - only I can fix it.

So, welcome 2010 - the year of my wedding!!!!!!! I have a feeling you and I are going to end up liking each other alot. My goals for this year are:

Lose 39 lbs before the wedding = 1 lb per week
Stay away from all fried foods
Limit refined carbs to twice a week - focus on lean meats, fruits and veggies
No alcohol until March 17
Exercise daily - even if it's only 10 minutes
Strength train at least 3 times a week
Find job
Get large details finalized for wedding before school starts
Learn to say NO more often
Write regularly in blog
Be happy with where I am in the moment
Always remember my goals and reward each one met with some non-food pampering

Not insurmountable, right?

I know the writing is on the wall and the time to start is NOW - after all I ordered my dress one size smaller than recommended, so this is serious. I had to sign off on it to remove any responsibility or blame from the dress not fitting on the retailer. Time to prove I'm not insane. It's do or die and I KNOW I can do this.....

If I am sure of anything, it is that there is no way in living hell that my wedding photos are going to feature multiple chins, ham hock arms and my dress exploding in the back....I refuse to be that bride.

Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I have a date with my elliptical trainer.

The Results Are In: I Really AM Fat and Lazy - So Now What?

2009-12-08T07:54:00.008-05:00

Oh hey - remember me?

Yeah - I'm back.

Contrary to popular belief, I didn't die from choking on a ham sandwich, nor was I bed bound due to a fat induced coma.

I just simply let life get in the way......of pretty much everything.

I'm hoping that for all the blatant diet ignoring I've done over the last month and a half that I at least get the 2 A's for which I have worked so hard - but only time will tell. I think I still have about a week before grades are posted so here I am, waiting with baited breath......

I cannot believe how quickly time is flying by. (It seems like I am constantly saying this and frankly, it's annoying). Tomorrow marks 10 months until the wedding and I have the same amount of stuff to do that I did 2 months ago because basically once school kicked in this past semester, I kissed wedding planning good bye to concentrate on my classes. Now I am in a state of panic and "Holy F***ing Shit" has become my go to phrase every time I think about all of the wedding things I have to accomplish in the next month while I am on school break. Josh may be starting to wonder when the hell I developed tourrets.

Never mind the fact that Christmas is nipping like a rabid chihuahua at my heels and I have yet to begin my shopping. This is partly due to the fact that I first need to rob a bank in order to actually have the cash to purchase any gifts and I don't quite have my master plan all figured out yet for that little adventure. If I don't think of a plan soon, my friends and family will soon come to know the true meaning of Christmas - unemployed style. (cue Dolly Parton's song Hard Candy Christmas here....)

There's something to be said for handmade paper Christmas ornaments and popcorn balls, right?

The past couple of months have literally flown by.....wasn't it just yesterday that Josh was hanging cobwebs from every corner of our house and the most pressing question was: What kind of Halloween candy could I steal from the bowl next?

Then, like a flash, turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie was coming at me like a freight train and all I could do was just close my eyes and open my mouth, take it all in and enjoy the moment - although I knew my ass & waistline were the things taking the hardest hit. Those damn taste buds never get any bigger.

Keep in mind, I was allegedly on a no refined carb, no grain diet during the time this holiday carnage was going on. So - How do you think I did?

I actually went to the metabolic doc before Thanksgiving - November 16 to be exact - 6 weeks after my visit with the $500.00 skinny as a rail nutritionist (thankfully my insurance covered all but $140.00 of her informationally unrevealing visit). Perhaps if I had stayed on the diabetic diet I was told to adhere to, I may have seen some decent results by then but let's cut the shit - we all know I didn't - so by the time I met with the real doctor, I had GAINED a pound and he was none to happy with my teary pathetic story as to why I wasn't digging riding the no carb highway and why I thought it wasn't working for me.

Let's just say, bed side manor was not this guy's strong suit.

I was told in no uncertain terms that I have a bad relationship with food and until I stop viewing food as pleasurable or for entertainment purposes, I will never change. Ouch.

Oh - and the blood tests?

They revealed little else but the fact that I am indeed a lazy ass....and also that cake is not my friend. Hey - at least now I know for sure.

So, what's a girl that was banking on blood tests to explain an insulin resistance or at least some other thyroid issue to blame her weight on to do?

Well, apparently her loving fiance thinks you drive across the state of Pennsylvania to Columbus, OH to buy an elliptical trainer off of E-bay. Yes - we really did that. And I love it! It's the best indoor calorie burn you can get and it's the type of exercise I actually enjoy....much less boring than the treadmill and since it's located in my dressing room, I can't avoid it....or the constant hounding from Josh asking me if I "worked out yet today???????????"

Does this mean I am back on plan?

Wellllllllllll, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I do have the last leg of the Triple Threat Holi-daze to get through BUT as long as pumpkin rolls and peanut butter cookies don't fall from the sky and I keep plenty of (uh, yum?) lettuce & other various salad accoutrements handy, I should be able to maintain some sort of control.

Until I get to New Year's I am allowing myself weekends for holiday baking and other merry making. Christmas is practically my middle name and I refuse to allow my holiday refreshments to be designated to only carrot sticks (I'll donate mine to the reindeer) and ice water (wine is made from fruit and therefore healthy). After all, tis the season to be jolly - and who the hell associates being skinny with being jolly anyway? Exactly.

So while I may not be pleased that my belly, not unlike Santa's, shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly, I'm not getting too down on myself.

A new year is right around the corner and I'm feeling quite optimistic. I know it seems like I may have given up but trust me when I say I haven't. It's true I have taken a giant (ok, GARGANTUAN) tumble backwards - I haven't even been on the scale in weeks - but there is a plan simmering on the back burner, I promise.

But for right now, I have Ella Fitzgerald belting out some holiday tunes on my stereo and the house looks like the North Pole - if the North Pole were situated in the middle of Tornado Alley - so suffice it to say I have my work cut out for me today to get this place looking festive and bright. And I will do all that I can to forget about the pumpkin roll residing my fridge.....but do more to remind myself of the belly roll I no longer want residing on my waist.

Say "YES" to the Dress!

2009-10-21T09:33:00.004-04:00

If I had to sum up my wedding dress shopping experience in one word, I would have to say, "Surprising" fits it best.

Unbelievably, (and thankfully) it was not the horrendous train wreck I had previously imagined it would be.....

As a matter of fact, I had drummed up such a horrific scene in my head of being presented with a multitude of dresses I could only squeeze one of my ample thighs into, that my stomach was doing mini flip flops as I walked into that first store - Alfred Angleo.

I now realize that dread may have stemmed more from what I experienced on the outside of the store, more than anything that was to greet me inside.

Allow mw to ask you this simple question: Have you ever wanted to beat the royal shit out of someone based on a simple comment you overheard them utter?

I sure have.....and I nearly did this past Saturday - even before I laid my eyes on a single shred of tulle, lace or shiny satin.

You see, while I was standing outside in the freezing cold and rain, waiting for the store to open , an extremely boisterous, animated, and not to mention rail thin (and in my mimd desperate need of a cookie) group of women arrived and had to wait outside with me. The bride looked all of 20 years old if that (I was looking for a baby bump but could not detect one....which left me wondering why the hell anyone would want to get married so young??) and as the group peered into the front store window to get a peek at what was offered inside, I couldn't help but over hear the mother 'o' the bride commenting on two of the dresses that happened to be featured on plus sized mannequins.

Her gasp over how BIG the dress was ("Wow - that's a big mama dress" was her exact quote) and her comment about how the plus sized bridesmaid dress looked like a "big" maternity dress had me seeing red in less than 2 seconds flat. She must have used the word "big" 20 times, if she said it once. I was infuriated.

This woman is very lucky I didn't sit my "Big Mama" ass right on her.

It's amazing to me that I stood not 3 feet away from this woman with my obvious plus sized figure and still, she went off on a tangent about how bad these dresses looked - how BIG they looked.

Well fuck you too, you flat chested insensitive toothpick.

Whew...ok - now that I got that off my (anything but flat) chest.......

Anyway - thankfully these close minded food-deprived trolls were no where near me as I tried on my dresses - or I'm pretty sure a bridal boxing match may have ensued. Or perhaps they were nearby but I was in my own sort of la la land once I started trying on dress after dress that actually could close in the back and in some cases were even too big (what a feeling!). Granted, they may have been a size 22 but it's always nice to hear someone tell you something is way too big on you.....

Hoorah!

Overall, I have to say it was a bit of a surreal experience since I realized that I have never quite envisioned myself in a wedding dress. As I stared back at this person in the mirror with white fabric swirling around her, I felt like I was watching someone else......

Because this person, even though she was overweight, looked absolutely radiant in that dress.

I only went to two bridal shops on Saturday and at the second store I think I may have actually found "the one." It sounds so - I don't know - Cliche??? Or maybe Gay????? (Really - I can't believe I actually cried a little). I don't mean I was weeping oceans of tears but I never believed all the hype and BS about crying over a dress and "knowing" when you find that right one....however, I hate to admit that all that sappy crap may actually be true!

I think Val, out of any one I know, will love the fact I am admitting this....she is the one friend I have that truly believes in all things romance and fairytale-esque. Normally I gag at this sort of thing and she knows it, although she accuses me of being much more of a softie than I care to admit...

But this time, as much as it kills me, I may have to agree with her. This dress I found may be truly "magical." I LOVE it!!!!

I loved it so much I had to find out how many sizes they could go down since losing weight has now skyrocketed to the tippy top of my to-do list (not that it wasn't sort of there before but freaking-A, this is serious!) and I think I will be placing my order by the beginning of January to ensure I have a solid 9 months for delivery and alterations.

So from now until then, I will be praying vehemently to the fat gods to help me shed this weight by keeping me far away from the Trick or Treat candy that's hiding in the big plastic cauldron downstairs and to get me through Thanksgiving and Christmas without becoming a stuffed turkey or Santa Claus look-a-like.

Now more than ever, I need to STAY ON TRACK. I know this year is going to fly by....I can't believe the end of October is already fast approaching.

With only 353 days left to "git 'er done"......I need to fire up that metabolism and let the fat games begin!

Temptation is a bitch

2009-10-12T09:01:00.003-04:00

Well, it's less than one year away from the wedding....(OMfreakingG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

After having that special little fact sink in over the weekend, I began to mentally tally all of the shit I still need to tackle for this momentous event and uh, started to panic.....just a wee bit.

Things are getting ticked off the list but I know there is so much more to do and there are a bazillion and one details am sure I have not even thought of ..... I really need to get a move on, in more ways than one.

Thankfully we were able to agree on a DJ this weekend (yes, we opted to go with poor man's Billy Dee Williams who in real life looks more like Wayne Brady and is super nice, by the way) but we don't yet have a baker or a florist.....so those are next on the list. Except before I can see a florist, I have to 100% know my colors and have my dress picked out.....Ugh.

Next weekend I have committed myself to begin dress shopping......I do not anticipate it being the time of my life. But it will reinforce this diet I am on so that is a good thing. This week, being back at home should be easy in terms of sticking to the foods I can have since we pretty much have zero temptation in the house at the moment (if you don't count the salt water taffy I bought to practice making the favors)....Unlike at the beach where temptation lurks around every freaking corner. And I do mean EVERY FREAKING corner.

Food wise, this weekend wasn't bad per se - but I also wasn't what you'd call the perfect dieting saint. My saving grace was Mel, Josh's mom who came uber prepared with lots of salad fixin's, veggies, and yogurt, nuts & fruit. I made healthy turkey chili to take along and over the course of the weekend, ate a shit ton of fiber in the way of beans. Unfortunately, I did not pack the Beano.

Need I say more?

I would have to say that over the three days we were away, I did GREAT during breakfast and lunch - but, I will admit I had a couple minor slips ups.....ironically enough, more with sugar than grains. I have been Ok with staying away from bread, baked goods, etc.....but candy and ice cream are like two monkeys on my back that are constantly calling to me - especially when I am within eye-shot of Candy Kitchen or Kohrs Brothers......it's really amazing just how strong the cravings are. It's like the power of 1,000 woman hardcore PMSing.....no lie.

So my f-ups over the course of the weekend were having a small twist cone of ice cream, 2 pieces of Delmonico (mocha) candy and a few spoonfuls of saffron rice......oh, and a couple of Josh's Thrasher Fries because he dumped a bucket full of malt vinegar on them and I about shoved them up my nostrils they smelled so good. It's hard to resist when the scent of the person's food right next to you keeps wafting in your face.

But I am not kicking myself too hard because overall, I know I ate well (I am taking this nutritionist advice seriously but I also recognize I am human). I also exercised a lot over the weekend, even ended up going to the gym with Mel where I did 1/2 hour on the elliptical trainer and burned 300 calories in a shot (and probably more because I did weight machines afterwards). We also walked our asses off (I wish!) and I had a relatively lengthy bike ride Sunday morning....

Oh - and I forgot the best part.....we received an early Christmas gift from Josh's parents - A Wii!!! And Wii fitness!!!.....so we spent hours playing (and finding out just how lamely uncoordinated & out of shape we are).....and I kid you not when I say our arms were actually sore the next day. Wii boxing rocks!

Anyhoo, long story short is that I am sticking to plan this week.....trying to figure meals ahead of time so there is no guess work in what to eat in turn ensuring less potential for falling off the wagon. I am 100% committed.

Today I have a ton of reading & homework to attend to and will head out for a walk a little later or when Josh gets home. I always feel so rejuvenated when I get back from the beach because we exercise so much more when we're there.....I just need to keep it going. Not always the easiest thing to do, especially on mornings when I just want to stay in my snuggly warm robe and curl up on the couch. However, since wearing the snuggly warm robe at the wedding is not an option, this type of behavior isn't doing me any favors so it's outside I go......chilly temps or not.

Overall, I am just hoping for a good week.....and let's face it, a good weigh in on Friday. And as long as I remember what my ultimate goal is, I am confident I can do it!!!

WTF????

2009-10-08T10:12:00.003-04:00

Ok....so I am feeling kind of......pissed today.

And I think I know why......

My weigh in this AM revealed two things about this diet I am currently on.

#1 - It really sucks - and....

#2 - It isn't working quite as well as I'd hoped.

I'm not sure what I was expecting as I stepped on the scale this morning but whatever it was, it's not what I got.

On Monday I weighed in at 222.3 and today I am down to a whopping 222.....so what the hell is that all about? Seriously????

In addition to the lack of weight loss I feel kind of gassy, sort of constipated and overall just a wee bit bitchy so maybe it's PMS....or maybe I just want a fucking carbohydrate.

I've done these sort of low carb diets before and normally they work but this time around my body has decided to give me shit about denying it the worlds best foods.....or what I deem the world's best foods to be anyway.

I'm not sure what I can do besides keep plugging away and see what happens with in the next week. I just know that if I don't see results by next Friday, I am having some freaking pizza.

As far as I can tell, I have been pretty good with my eating....and I am even trying to stay away from sugar so that the fat I am consuming (in place of carbs) doesn't stick to my ass like glue. But maybe I need to completely cut it out all together????

I have no idea....the nutritionist didn't seem concerned about sugar, ironically enough. She was all about staying away from grains, rice, pasta, and flour. She told me I could have my Edie's Fruit Bars.....was I wrong then to assume a small square of dark chocolate was not allowed???

For the first time in my life I am actually confused about food. This is irritating because despite my size, I DO know my nutrition facts and I am an avid label reader. I'm not that clueless schmuck who thinks that getting a serving a dairy means going through the drive through at Wendy's and ordering up a Frosty....

I know that there are good fats and bad fats and eating avacado provides you with good fat but a Big Mac? Not so good....

I also know that a serving size of salad dressing is 2 Tbsp, not a 1/2 cup....(and I will say that although I know this fact, I have a hard time getting through a gigantic salad with a measly 2 Tbsp of dressing!!! So, I usually don't).

My head GETS what I am supposed to do here - so why is my body acting all confused?

Granted, I weighed in a day early and not that I think I am going to miraculously lose something like 10 lbs overnight - but maybe tomorrow morning will be better.

The thing is, I will be at the beach with no scale (for 3 days!!! Help!) and I am really, really, REALLY worried about being there with all of that temptation and being able to stay on track.

But, on the flip side of the coin, I realize the choice is mine and I am choosing to stay focused...

Tomorrow is one year and counting from my wedding day (hard to believe)...and I know that deep down, although the Kohr's Brother's soft serve ice cream and Fisher's caramel popcorn (oh, how I love you both so very, very much) may call my name louder than they ever have before, I will politely ignore their unrelenting pleas to be eaten and shove my face with lettuce instead.....or maybe an apple, since lettuce doesn't exactly travel well......

Anyway, week one down down.....who knows how many more to go???

All I know is I have 87 pounds worth of fat to shed......and I will do it.

Change is in the air!

2009-10-05T08:13:00.004-04:00

A new week has begun!

It's a cool crisp Monday morning and I feel surprisingly rested and motivated to start the day and tackle the gagillion things I have on my to do list.

Maybe it's the start of a new season that has me so jazzed....I love the fall almost as much as I love the summer but in addition to cooler temperatures, nights by the fire pit and leaves cascading from the sky, there is, too, the temptation for comfort foods to become a part of the weekly dinner fare and that is the one reason to fear fall as much as I embrace it.

This fall however, I am forced to make some changes in my behavior that have been traditionally exercised as a welcome to autumn....

No more drinking vats of Octoberfest Ale, or making a pumpkin roll to have as a "just because" dessert. No warm loaves of bread to accompany a hot spicy bowl of steaming chili.....

These are things of the past.....at least for now.

This past Friday I had a visit to the nutritionist that my FMIL recommended. She was extremely expensive and by the end of the session didn't really tell me all that much that I didn't already know in terms of nutritional information. But she did provide me with a few key tidbits that have made me realize that this battle with weight loss can be won.

Today I am a newly determined warrior ready to beat the ever loving crap out of my fat cells.....

Prepare to die (or at least shrink) you assholes.

Friday's appointment revealed some good and some bad things about my body. I was given a print out of my body mass test and I can assure you it wasn't the best news I have ever been given - but it also wasn't the worst.

In terms of good news, what I learned on Friday was that I have a surprisingly decent resting metabolism, meaning I can no longer blame my bulk on a sluggish calorie burn (damn).

I also learned that despite my Stay Puff Marshmallow exterior, underneath it all, I am still a brick shit house as my mother calls me - meaning I have relatively decent lean muscle mass. As a matter of fact - my lean muscle mass numbers are smack dab in the middle of where they should be, so at least I am not all squishy fat with zero muscle tone underneath. The problem is, it needs to be excavated which is where I step in.

The bad news is that at 5'0", I am 52% fat with a BMI of 44 and that is horrendous. The morbid obesity diagnosis doesn't surprise me one bit, but to see it all printed out and handed to you by a woman with a 2" gap between her legs who has probably never experienced thigh rub in her life was, well, a bit embarrassing.

So I need to get down to 204 lbs before I am out of that "morbid" range which leaves me with just under 20 lbs to whittle down before I get there.

The nutritionist's scale had me at 225 on Friday afternoon and my scale says I am down to 222.3 this AM so that's a positive sign.

Diet wise, the news is grim. I have been put on a grain-free diet (the same one my FMIL was put on).....so the bread, pasta, flour, rice and all that carb-laden grainy goodness I love with a passion has been kicked to the curb until we find out if I actually have an insulin resistance.

She didn't specify sugar but by cutting out so much of that other bad stuff, it automatically gets significantly reduced. But until they tell me I have to give up my Edies Fruit Bars, I'm sticking with them as my dessert of choice. 80 calories and fabulous!

That doesn't mean I am going to eat shit like candy corn 'til the cows come home - I promise that I will choose my sugars wisely......

In addition to all of this nutritionist stuff, I am being given a battery of blood tests that will reveal a whole lot more and will determine what the actual doctor is going to tell me when I meet with him Nov 16. This is where it could get interesting.

I'm not hoping for anything bad but I AM curious what the blood tests will reveal, if anything.

Wouldn't it be a kick in the pants if absolutely NOTHING was wrong and it turns out I am just a big lazy fat ass?

I am not ruling this diagnosis out, you know.....

Whatever the case may be, the short of it is that meeting with the nutritionist gave me a new perspective on my situation, allowing me get some base line info so that I am able to refocus my efforts and get back on track....because we all know it's been a while.

The restrictive diet, while not my favorite, is a necessary evil. I'm happy I was put on it because it really makes me focus on what I put in my mouth as opposed to just shoving anything in that was within my grasp. Josh and I even went to Sonic over the weekend and I had a salad. Trust me when I say that prior to Friday, that shit would have NEVER happened!

But I am OK with all of it - the diet, the need to exercise, the change of season, and really, the change of life (and life-style).

The wedding is exactly one year and 4 days away......what better time to reveal the new me?

You can't handle the truth!!!!!

2009-09-25T08:16:00.009-04:00

Happy Friday.

I know it's been a while....and that's because of a few reasons which I will get to in just a moment.

I will first start by saying it's been a hell of a week mainly due to school related issues. This semester's classes, or really just one of the two I am taking is a real bear and a half and is making me seriously question whether or not I am completely out of my mind trying to get into this whole teaching profession. The class tackles some very interesting and thought provoking material and truly challenges one's critical thinking skills but the professor is a complete brainiac and bottom line is, the class is difficult as shit but I really need an A which I fear will not be forthcoming.

I am also currently on a shitty generic form of birth control pills that my gyno recently revealed to me were legally not supposed to be released to the market just yet and there have been some, well, issues with it (um, whaaaat???). Basically it's been wreaking havoc on my system, making me think I was pregnant and then causing me to have 2 periods only 2 weeks apart - so now I just feel like I want to laugh, cry, kill people and eat chocolate all at the same time.

Don't even get me started about my wedding DJ issues....I can sum it up as follows: Food hoarding lesbian vs. poor man's Billy Dee Williams with flashing light maracas. Yikes.

So, yes, I'm kind of stressed to the max and instead of tackling the gigantic project I have to do for this class due on Thursday, I sit here hiding behind the safety and familiarity of writing my blog because at least that isn't being graded.....

Or is it?

One of the main reasons I haven't written in over a week, other than being buried eyeball deep in homework, is that I received some critical feedback this week from my BFF who wrote me a rather intense e-mail (in her words, out of love and concern) regarding both my weight issue as well as the fact my blog is peppered with a lot of excuses about why I haven't done anything about it. Ouch.

It made me re-evaluate the blog and openly acknowledge that it's pretty much become a venting board for me - sort of an online diary if you will - but one that originally had a goal set in mind and the subject matter I posted in this blog was intended to document the journey I was having in reaching that goal.

Technically, I'm still doing that - however, "the journey" is basically synonymous with "my life" and, well, this is how my life is going. It hasn't exactly been butterflies and rainbows and happy little chirping birds as far as dropping pounds goes - obviously.

In reality, it's sucked some serious ass.

There is nothing I would like more than with each post, to talk about how much weight I've lost and how great it's all going and how easy it's all been. But the truth is, it's NOT going that way - There HAVE been pitfalls - I DO make excuses - I DO try to work out and then get horribly sore - I DO eat some bad things. I fall off the wagon, repeatedly and HARD.

Does that mean I don't want to lose weight?

No - it just means I have a hard time doing the things I know I need to do in order to get there.

The point is, I know I am not alone on this. It doesn't make me a bad person because I haven't done the things I know I need to do; it's the fact that I haven't done them that's bad. There are plenty of people in the world who have the desire to lose weight that simply find it unbelievably difficult to do. Are we weak? Are we failures? What is it exactly that prevents us from reaching our goal (besides the pizza and beer?).

I suppose I sometimes inadvertently forget I invited others to take a look at this blog and make comments at will. The whole purpose of sharing is to get feedback, support and in theory, provide me with motivation to keep at it because I know others are rooting me on. But I guess the "rooting on" can only happen if I am doing what I said I was setting out to do.

Ultimately I know that this entire fat-shedding chore lies solely on me - and it is me and only me that can dig deep inside myself to take the desire I know I have and put it into action in order to get this weight off.

All the people in the world can cheer me on, but if I don't physically take the necessary steps it takes in order to lose weight (eat better, exercise, see a doctor), it just ain't happenin'.

I will admit that after reading Sheryl's e-mail I felt more like a failure than anything and seriously reconsidered taking the blog down and just writing privately, for myself. And then I thought about it some more and realized that when I began posting this blog, I was in essence signing up for scrutiny and understand that when you put yourself out there, you have to take the bad with the good. After all, if everyone told me I was doing great even though I was shoving my face full of Butterscotch Krimpets, what good would that do me?

At the end of the day, once the smoke cleared and the sting of the e-mail slap wore off, I started to seriously ponder the reasons why, after nearly 5 months of me writing this thing, I haven't really done anything significant in order to lose more than just 10 lbs?

(Weighing in at 221.25 this AM, by the way).

I am nowhere closer to the answers now than I was before but I have made a few strides in the right direction this week that I hope will point me where I need to go and lead me toward "the light" so to speak.

As for now, since I have put off my homework for far too long, I'll save the story of those positive strides for the next post.

Stay tuned....

Gluteus MAXIMUS indeed!

2009-09-16T08:38:00.004-04:00

Did you know that your ass is the largest muscle in the body?

If you don't believe me, go ahead and Google it - or better yet - go and do the wedding workout DVD I did yesterday and you will arrive at the easy conclusion that the large body part that is throbbing and sore and following you everywhere you go is in fact your ass muscle and Christ Almighty you had no idea it covered this much of your body because, right now? A whole hell of a lot of you hurts. That muscle is massive.

By the way, my thighs are not feeling the best they ever have either.....Holy Hamstrings!

Suffice it to say those Rodale peeps know what they're doing. If their main mission is to shed the ass and thigh fat of brides 'round the globe, I think they have the formula down pat...

Ouch.

While I may be in a bit of pain, I'm not totally incapacitated so I won't let the fact that every time I try to sit down it feels like my thigh muscles are ripping apart deter me from exercising today. I'm not saying I am going to do that video again today (because despite what people say about me, I am not insane). I do think my lower body needs to recover from yesterday's abuse, but I can still take a walk (even if I hobble) and tackle the upper body portion of the DVD today.....

Just don't expect an entry tomorrow since I am sure my arms will feel like lead balloons, rendering any typing ability I currently have to be useless. At least for 24 hours.

My hope is that by getting into an exercise habit that is varied and interesting (and that I can feel is working) will trigger healthier eating because I won't lie.....I continue (OBVIOUSLY) to struggle there. Badly.

I had a conversation with my friend Melissa the other day and we were talking about weight loss and the whole enigma surrounding why it's so hard to do this??? After all, we know what the downside of being overweight is and we both want to shed the poundage but something is preventing it from happening (I mean something other than the peanut M & M's I had before class last night). I'm talking about the mental click that needs to happen.

For whatever reason, I honestly do not think that "click" has happened to me yet and I cannot for the life of me figure out why?

There's a whole schpiel I could go into about body acceptance and yadda, yadda, yadda but I don't buy into it. I know there are women out there who are large and in charge and are genuinely ok with that. I just don't think I am one of them because I do have the desire to be thinner, I just don't know if I have the desire to get thinner.....and that is a huge problem.

Getting thinner takes a lot of hard work.

When I hurdle baby goals such as being in Target last night and picking up about 7 different bags of Halloween candy as I shopped but then putting them all back, I think to myself that I know I CAN do this and I DO have the willpower to say no to bad things. At times. Again, let's revisit the peanut M & M's I ate before class. They were a quick fix, tasted good but where did they get me?

There are many times when I don't say no when I know I should and those times seem to outweigh (by about 223.2 lbs) the good choices I make. I desperately need to reverse that behavior, but it's really fucking hard!

Sheryl has been pushing the Weight Watchers thing on me lately (so much so that I secretly think she must be moonlighting for them) but it's 40 bucks a month and that's a lot for someone who is unemployed and planning a wedding. With every payment of WW dues I would be mentally racking up other things I could be doing with that money - so no, I don't think WW is the answer for me. At least not right now. Besides I have been there so many times and have all the tools at my finger tips that if I really wanted to do WW, I could follow it right here at home.

I know that diet and exercise is really the only way this ass 'o' mine is going to shrink. It's not what I want to hear but I know it to be true and whether or not I choose to ignore it, that's the fact. I can't change it. I can bitch about it and complain and pretend God is playing a cruel joke on me, but I know the truth.....

Fat won't leave on it's own. You have to kick it out and fight with it until it gives up and goes away. It's a fight but I have no doubt that it's well worth it in the end.

I've decided I'm going wedding dress shopping the beginning of October (about 2 months ahead of my pre-planned schedule). I figure both the arrival of the one year mark as well as facing the Great White head on will maybe be the catalyst I have been searching for....

Only one way to find out.....

Sweat is a dirty word.....

2009-09-15T14:27:00.004-04:00

Well, I know I'm out of shape but this is freaking ridiculous....

As I am sitting here typing this, I have rivers of sweat rolling down my chest and back and am pretty sure I smell on par with some sort of African wildebeest.

I should explain that it's not the typing activity that's got me all hot and sweaty - that would be pathetic. But about 20 minutes ago I started doing Rodale's Wedding Workout for the lower body and ladies and gentleman, that shit kicked my ass.... and I wasn't even through 3 minutes of the cardio section. Now that is embarrassing.

I should have realized I wasn't up for the DVD's full kit and kaboodle when after only the warm up section, I felt like I had just run a half marathon. But I, brazen and bold, continued on to the lower body workout (not fully comprehending there was an additional cardio section following this particular round of thigh and ass torture) and suffice it to say it's been a hell of a long time since I have felt this sort of burn on certain parts of my body that this video touched upon today.

Sitting here at the safety of my laptop, I fear that if I start up the DVD again and attempt to finish this I may be incapacitated for the rest of the night, and since I have class, that would be a bad thing.

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?

I doubt I'd even be able to finish it.....seriously - my legs are completely gelatinous at the moment. Attempting to perform a lunge or squat right now holds a good chance of landing me in the hospital, as any moves testing my balancing ability would without a doubt cause me to careen into the sharp cornered coffee table. Hello Concussion - here I come!!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around why I chose this DVD over walking today. As Josh left for work this morning, in addition to his usual kiss goodbye, he gave me a verbal list of things he thought I should do today.

Not only should I have a good day (check!) but I should also get my reading done for school (check!), call the doctor (check!) and take a walk.....(Uh, whoops - no check???).

So after completing my philosophy reading which was a complete snoozefest, I figured I needed something to keep me from flat lining. It was at this time I recalled Josh's list and considered heading outside for my walk.

Then I took a glimpse in the mirror.

A quick glance at my uncombed wild bird's nest hair, purple spandex shorts and ill fitting polyester lime green tank top caused me to re-evaluate my workout plan and I decided it might best serve the general public if I stayed in the privacy of my own home to exercise today.

That's when the wedding DVD caught my eye.....

My thighs are still begging for mercy.

But there is something good that came of this.....

I tried to exercise....relatively of my own free will. And I know that if I continue to do this daily it will get easier.

I'm holding fast at 223.6 lbs today and with less than 13 months to go until the wedding, I really don't have much of a choice. I will either be a fat bride or not but I know the choice is mine and mine alone.

So, beginning today, I exercise - whether it's 10 minutes or an hour and 10 minutes...I will do something. And I will try to keep it interesting.....and believe me, I am sure at the very least that I look rather interesting in some of these positions I have been forced to assume for these floor exercises. Me doing pelvic thrusts in purple spandex has no place in this universe....

Oh well....

It's almost time to attempt to climb the stairs and get into the shower.....the time to leave for class is fast approaching.

Legs, don't fail me now......

The camera kills.

2009-09-02T09:43:00.010-04:00

For the love of God - I am so sick of seeing unflattering pictures of myself!!! Especially when they are posted on places such as Facebook by other people and the embarrassing broadcast of my triple chins and arm fat are completely out of my control.

This latest freak out stems from a visit I paid to an old friend from high school over the weekend. She of course asked her husband to take a picture of the two of us together, for old times sake. Except for me, these aren't like old times; they're fatter times, and I'd rather forgo any unnecessary documentation of them, especially when positioned next to someone much thinner and way more athletic than I.

Unfortunately, sometimes there is no polite way to get out of these photo op situations, so I tried to be as gracious as possible by sitting on the couch next to my friend to oblige her, as opposed to running out the front door, car keys in hand, screaming at the top of my lungs.

It's bad enough I had to endure this photo session, but what made matters worse was that there was absolutely no opportunity to get up and readjust myself from the protruding belly fat position I was sitting in to make myself look thinner - even if only to smooth out a few obvious lumps. So, I sat, quite uncomfortably while trying to cover my gut with my hands and angle my head in a way I thought (or hoped) wouldn't make me resemble Jabba the Hut. Then I prayed for the best.

I can confidently say that my prayers were most definitely not answered. I can only assume God must have been on a bathroom break.

While my face is all smiles on the outside, on the inside I am thinking to myself, get this shit over with already so I can steal your camera and destroy the evidence. And rightfully so. The picture reveals more chins than I care to note as well as my big 'ole bare arm which looks like I have a rubber band around my wrist - which I do not. Meaning I have way too much arm chub for the size of my much smaller and daintier on the inside wrist bones to handle.

The worst part is I have hunted high and low to find as flattering of a HEAD SHOT as humanly possible for my Facebook profile because no one in their right mind at 5' 0" and 222 lbs wants a full body shot for the world to see. Now, it's been spectacularly showcased on my profile page for me. Thanks so much, old friend.

I could just delete it I suppose. But then isn't that like running away from the problem at hand?

This IS the way I look after all. I can deny it all I want but the photos don't lie, no matter how hard I wish they would. I could post all the (what I deem) flattering head shots I want but the reality is that head in those shots is connected to something and that something happens to be my body. And my body happens to be, hello - that's right - FAT!

This is not new news here.

As always, this of course gets me thinking about my wedding day photos and how upset it would make me to look like this in them. I know there's no avoiding the camera that day so I better figure out how to make sure it looks like me wearing that white dress and not Jabba.

I have been back on my walking routine and trying to do at least 2 miles a day (6 laps around the town square). The ipod is charged and chock full of good work out tunes so I have some motivation there. It's amazing how good I feel after I walk but it's the actual getting out there that I sometimes struggle with. This computer has become such a distraction which is a tremendously lame excuse but right now, it's the only one I have.

So, with that said, I suppose I should log off and get my day started. I'm at least on a healthy food kick today. Egg beaters with Weight Watchers shredded cheese and a 100 calorie english muffin with spray butter for breakfast which should last me for quite some time, given it was well protein packed.

I have to run to the grocery store later and am going to try very hard to stay away from all processed food this week.....sticking with whole foods and reducing carbs.

That's about it....at least I feel good about having a plan. Now all I have to do is stick with it!!!!

E.P.T. - Elevated Panic Test

2009-08-30T09:00:00.006-04:00

This past Friday, I breathed forth the heaviest sigh of relief that I have ever done in my life. I am talking about a sigh so powerful, the breath that was expelled from my mouth could have easily knocked over a small child, or at the very least a tea cup chihuahua.

Speaking of small child, allow me to elaborate:

In my nearly 26 or so years of having the misfortune of experiencing quite possibly the worst part of being a woman (Hello?? Who in their right mind actually enjoys being on the rag??? I dare you to raise your hand.), I had been fortunate enough to never have had to take a pregnancy test. That is, until this week rolled around.

While my sexual past isn't exactly littered with bad decisions, I can openly admit that there have been times I wasn't always the most careful about baby prevention, which I know is really stupid but I think I can safely assume most of us have been there at least once in our lifetimes where we let the throws of passion dictate our behaviors instead of interrupting them with thoughts of potential dirty diapers and breast pumps.

But that was then and this is now. I'm in a mutual loving relationship with the man I am going to marry and have taken careful responsibility to prevent all things baby-esque by taking the pill so that by NO MEANS would Josh and I become parents before we were absolutely and positively ready. Like as in AFTER the wedding, and preferably AFTER I graduate in about 2 - 2 1/2 years.

So imagine my panic when this month after taking not the only the first, second, and third but also fourth white sugar pill in the pack, there was still not even the faintest hint that Aunt Flo might be coming to town? Normally the bitch whirls in like a hurricane, making my boobs feel like Muhammed Ali used them for his own personal punching bags. My mood goes from happy and even keel to being more on par with the cuss-word and pea soup spewing Regan a la The Excorcist. My poor uterus has the sensation of being twisted like a piece of Twizzlers and then savagely ripped from whatever connective tissue that keeps it securely in my body preventing it from sliding out the birth canal along right with the red river it produces.

Could I paint a prettier picture for y'all? Didn't think so.

The pill has relieved those horrific symptoms a little bit but they still rear their ugly head from time to time. But right now, the pill seems to be the most convenient, cheap and reliable form of birth control so I am sticking with it, despite Josh's kind offer to go get "snipped".

After all, I don't want to rule the idea of a baby out permanently - but I sure as shit don't want one now while in the middle of planning my wedding.

I am not sure where the problem stemmed from this month other than the fact I have just switched to a generic form of Ortho-Tricyclen-Lo. I supposed it can take a while for your body to adjust to a new pill but I assumed (um, wrongfully) that because it was a generic form of what I was already taking, the transition would be a smooth as a baby's bottom - pun intended.

Apparently this generic pill had a mind of it's own and for reason's unknown decided to scare the ever loving crap out of me by waiting until nearly the end of the sugar pill week to produce meager signs of an impending period. Three pee stick tests, a crying jag and a few panicked phone calls to trusted friends to talk me down off the ledge later, and finally, a sign came that the title "Mommy" was not one I needed to add to my resume just yet.

While this little experience brought my stress levels to an all new high, I don't walk away from it with out taking a few important things with me.

Firstly, I am ever so thankful to have a life partner in Josh, who was more than ready and willing to accept this possible little bump in the road (or belly), so to speak with both a sound mind and apparent enthusiasm. I didn't think it was possible to love him more but after this experience I know that whatever life hands us, we can handle it and I have the most wonderful person standing by my side, through thick and thin.

And, speaking of thick and thin, I have also learned one other very important thing regarding this future glimpse into possible motherhood. The thing that scared me the most about a possible pregnancy, other than the fact that the timing would have been less than desirable, was that having a baby at my current weight would be an absolute disaster. I weighed in yesterday at a very thick 221.8 lbs and by no means would this 5' 0" body be able to hold baby weight on top of all that already exists.

My panic over gaining weight was so severe that I found myself actually thinking about ways I could still diet while pregnant. Sad, isn't it? Let's starve the baby because of our own years long stupidity, shall we?

So it's safe to say that being thin is an important goal not just for the wedding but for so many other things, pregnancy included, which I never even considered until now. Amazing!

I also need to mention that I have an amazing support system of friends who at any given time are there with words of comfort, encouragement and quite often much needed humor in not only times like these, but always and that is why I have asked each of them to stand up with me at my wedding, despite the fact that Josh and I aren't going with a traditional wedding party.

All told, this past week taught me a great deal about myself. How I feel about having kids, what my greatest fears are in terms of being a parent, what consequences I face if I don't lose weight, and what positive things I have in my life that matter the most when life throws me curve balls, even if they end up to be imaginary.

So perhaps being a mom isn't on my agenda just yet and that's fine with me. I think I have my plate full enough already and really need to work on lessening that load first, both literally and figuratively.

As I start a new week, I feel oddly renewed. Could this be the fresh start I have been looking for?

All I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.....

2009-08-27T09:12:00.003-04:00

Gloomy weather does not make me feel like doing anything but sleeping. Or talking on the phone. It's not raining today but it's just cloudy and cool enough that sitting indoors with a cup of coffee, reading or flipping through my wedding mags is closer to what I'd like to be doing than putting on my sneakers and going out to take a walk or bike ride. The paranoid fat bride side of me says I need to get out there and move my arse today and the delusional lazy idiot side of me says hey, there's always tomorrow.

If I was smart (which is at the moment heavily debatable) I'd take advantage of the fact the humidity today isn't at that 'soak you to the bone' level and get out there now before it changes it's mind. However the allergens floating around out in the atmosphere are kicking my ass at the moment, even with only a few windows open, and they are enough of a nuisance that I can easily convince myself to stay inside. No one likes to walk 5 steps and then sneeze and then walk 5 more steps and then sneeze......you get the picture.

Then again, I do have that lovely treadmill upstairs, away from all things gloom and allergen related so really, my excuses to not exercise won't work here.

Basically I have no real excuses.....so why am I even trying?????

Today's promise: I will get in at least a half hour of walking despite my lack of desire. I have made a pact with myself that if I can spend tons of time online looking at wedding stuff and sending e-mails and playing on Facebook that I can absolutely find time to burn calories for at least 30 minutes.

Why does that seem like such a chore sometimes?

Josh is away on business and I hate when he's gone because he really does motivate me to go out and do as opposed to sit around and do nothing. Taking a walk without him is so much less appealing than taking one with him and the dogs. And today of all days where I have no idea where my iPod is, makes me all the less motivated to do it. Walking for 30 minutes without music or talking feels like 130 minutes. Bo-ring!

While this week the scale is slowly trudging it's way down after my beach week of non-dieting (223 lbs today) I still find that I need to light a bonfire under my ample ass and really push myself. I wish I could hire a trainer but unfortunately that's not in the budget at the moment. I think I could radically benefit from someone literally kicking my ass into shape. Someone who wouldn't put up with my whining and excuses and make me do what I absolutely KNOW I need to do.

However as of today, I'm all I've got so I will hunt to find my iPod, go throw on some sneakers and kick those excuses to the curb.....

Exercising the ability to change.

2009-08-25T09:53:00.007-04:00

It's another glorious summer day which also unfortunately happens to be my first day back to class for the Fall semester. I say unfortunately because the starting of school signifies the end of my summer as I know it. It's hard to believe that the official summer season is nearing it's final days and soon I'll be obsessing over things like carved pumpkins, my beloved Martha Stewart wooden witch decoration that Josh and I collaborated on last year and other Halloween accouterments. I'm afraid that in the blink of an eye the memories of sun, sand and surf will be far behind me and I will be busting out the electric blanket to take the chill off of the cool autumn nights. Damn, change is difficult.

This summer was by far the best I have had in years. This could be for the fact that I was blissfully unemployed, meaning I wasn't spending countless mornings and evenings trapped on a Bieber bus that may or may not have functioning air conditioning and may or may not get stuck in 4 hour long back ups on 78 while one relentless passenger talks loudly in another language on their cell phone for the entire ride home. For the first time in a looooong time, instead of contemplating mass murder on public transit, I was happy, relaxed and truly able to enjoy summer for all it had to offer. To have that experience as an adult in her late 30's was priceless.

However, it's back to reality as of 6 PM this evening when I begin my Educational Philosophy and Ethics class. Before I know it, I'll be buried in writing papers and reading chapter upon chapter in multiple text books and working on all that other school related mumbo jumbo that isn't nearly as much fun as hot days at the beach or even planning the wedding.

Basically I need to change my mind set, buck up and get back to reality. It's time to get serious, once again. On multiple levels.....

This summer, although perhaps ranking as one of the most fun I've experienced in adulthood, was also quite once of the most indulgent, which if I wasn't trying to whittle my ass down to a smaller size might not be so bad but since I am, is rather troubling. Even before the official onset of summer, right after Cinco de Mayo, I started this blog in hopes that it would force me to own up to my fatness and get my health back on track. Weighing in at 224 lbs this morning proves that I most definitely lost sight of what I was supposed to do and have been stuck in denial mode for far too long. We are talking about losing sight in Stevie Wonder type proportions here.

As I said, change is difficult, especially for me who will do anything in her power to avoid it - but in the past year I realize I have changed more things in my life than I ever thought I ever would over the course of 12 months. That must stand for something, right? Since last August I have gone through the following major life changing events:

Moved in with Josh
Got engaged
Lost my job
Decided on a new career path
Applied to school
Got accepted to the grad program at Cedar Crest
Started taking classes
Began planning a wedding

I should probably include 'attempted to begin a lifestyle change' but after nearly 4 months and only a total of 8 lbs lost as of today, it doesn't seem fair to add it to the list. In 4 months I haven't been able to bust past even a 10 lb loss. That is pathetic.

I have to ask myself - Just what the fuck happened here?

Looking at that list proves that I AM capable of change. It's not completely out of my vocabulary, but when it comes to weight loss, the ability to change goes inexplicably MIA.

Obviously I'm more than a little angry, not to mentioned embarrassed at myself. Apparently I am excellent at talking the talk but suck shit at walking the walk. I say I'm angry at myself (which I am) but I've been pissed at myself before and still haven't done much to change the behavior. I'm at a loss as to exactly what it will take to make me wake up and smell the obesity?

Maybe it's hard because I know Josh accepts me for the way I am. He loves me no matter what and I love him for that. There is a small part of me that thinks I should be able to accept myself this way too - except at age 37 I feel more like I'm 67 and therein lies the problem. If I was fat and felt fabulous, that would be one thing. But I can't lie and say I do when I absolutely do not. My knees and feet hurt most of the time and I know that if I let it go, it'll just get worse.

The thought of me hobbling down the aisle next year is not one I want to entertain so I realize that although exercise and I are currently not the best of friends, I need to do do all I can in the next months to make sure I work on building that relationship, even if it's awkward and uncomfortable. As the days get colder, I know I will feel less like doing it, so I need to take advantage of getting outside now and being one with Mother Nature. Crap.

The ironic thing is that when I'm at the beach, I'm active as hell - bike riding, swimming, kayaking, walking. It's as if a athletic alien comes and takes over my body and makes me think I actually love exercise. Granted I indulge in foods that may not be so diet friendly but at least I am burning calories more so than when I am back home. Why can't my motivation be the same when I am here?

Yesterday I took a nice long bike ride - basically because Josh practically pushed me out the door and made me feel like if I didn't get on that bike that I paid $400.00 for and wanted so badly I'd be the world's biggest lazy ass. I'm glad he pushed me because once I got out there I actually had fun. It's the motivation part that gets me every time and it's the thing I feel I need to work on the most. Motivation, like change, is something I view as a challenge. They seem to go hand and hand in this battle of the bulge. You can't have one without the other.

I'm going to try giving both a go and see what I can accomplish.