I smell grills....they're multiplyin'...and I'm losin' control....

It's another fabulous Monday morning -  dreary and coldish with a constant threat of rain. In other words, if I was a duck, (much like the ones that set up residence in my neighbor's front yard across the street), I'd be diggin' it. 

Last I checked, no webbed feet here - but one thing is for sure - I am in desperate need of a pedicure. 

Tomorrow's forecast is more of the same, but 10 degrees cooler. Dragging my ass to class tomorrow evening should be interesting. I don't know why, but I always feel like when the weather is bad, we should be able to stay home. Yes, I'm 38 years old but that doesn't mean I have stopped looking for a reason to skip class.

The good news is, the weekend's forecast is calling for sunny and warm weather, which is a good thing since Josh and I will be at the beach making some oh so important (gag) floral decisions and hopefully meeting with our crazy cake lady (who still has yet to deposit my $100 check, despite her receiving it in January). If possible, Josh and I also want to get our freebie beach portrait done with the dogs, compliments of Josh's dad who won a gift certificate for a session last year and passed it along to us. I'd love to be a little thinner for this photo shoot but you know what, you can't have everything?

Overall, I have been doing quite well on this WW "journey" - down to 213.25 lb today, even with the onslaught of my hellacious period (here for the freaking SECOND time this month, thank you!) so I at least know that even the Slim a Bear Klondikes I have been eating with utter delight on a nightly basis aren't keeping me from weight loss.

That, ladies and gentleman, is what you call encouragement!

Josh has been dubbed the Weight Watchers Nazi - although he's really not following the WW plan as they would recommend. Meaning he eats significantly less points than I do per day (my allotment is 25) and his exercise habits are on par with a contestant on the Biggest Loser right before a weigh in. For instance, yesterday while I whined and complained of cramps and begged and pleaded to not have to go on our morning walk, he simply kissed me on cheek, said "See ya later" and proceeded to walk 9 miles with the dogs, sans Ro Ro. He does it without me....without complaint, without prodding......

9 freaking miles - without an iPod, mind you. Who does that????

The man who has lost over 32 pounds in 5 weeks, that's who. It is quite remarkable actually.

I'm beyond proud of him but I do wish he'd relax a little when it comes to food. I mean, how much vinegar can one person consume?

Unfortunately, I think he is getting zero enjoyment out of this diet. And while I get that the concepts of dieting and fun don't normally go hand in hand, I do think giving yourself a break every now and again and having a 3 point Klondike bar makes this whole process a little more like living real life.......and it keeps a person sane. He has charts and tallies and all of this stuff that monitors his exercise compared to his weight loss and it's really impressive but I also think its making him a bit neurotic. I'm watching closely for signs of Manorexia.....

The thing I have learned about him in the past 2 years is that he is an all or nothing type of guy.....he can't slip even a little because then he feels like it's all over. I just worry that when he starts to eat normally again, he won't be able to control himself and bad habits will creep back in. I truly feel that by doing it my way (and having the occasional treat), I am getting a grip on my eating, understanding portions and not falling victim to feeling the need to put CHEESE on everything (sadly, salt is another story). Also? I've discovered that life truly does go on without cream cheese and bagels and fried calamari (just a few things I am missing...hard - can you tell?).

One of the big challenges Josh and I have had to overcome has been happening regularly on our nightly walks around the town square.  Make no mistake - it's apparently grilling season in town and the smell of searing meat wafting from people's back yards, hitting full blast into our nostrils is enough to get both of us drooling like a pack of Pavlov's dogs. We normally do a 10 lap walk so imagine what two humans plus 3 actual canines all dripping with saliva look like as we walk past the offending griller's house. TEN TIMES. It's really uncool. 

Ok - go ahead and add beef to the list of things which I am missing hard at the moment.

But, one can't argue with success. Even though I had a small gain last week, I plugged on through. There is a sort of calmness about me during this weight loss attempt that I don't recall experiencing before. Perhaps it's due to finally seeing some results. And I don't just mean on the scale. Before I started this, my knees were begging for mercy and threatening to call it quits. Not anymore - now they feel strong and no longer hurt when I walk - whether it be up the stairs or 5 miles around town. 

In 5 weeks, I've lost a tad over 5% of my body weight, and feel like I am finally seeing glimpses of a healthier me. Now that is something to celebrate. :-)

  

It's working! It's really working!!!!!!

Oh Glorious, glorious Monday!

Why is it that I never said those words when I was a working woman?

Maybe it's the weather today that has me feeling so 'up and at 'em' this morning. Or maybe it's because I feel like for the first time in a loooooooooooooong time my diet attempt is actually WORKING?????

This is big news, folks.

Despite my attack on the WW points system last week, I am doing amazingly well on the plan. I am just shy of losing 8 lbs in just a little over 2 weeks. I'm actually the lowest I have been in what seems like forever and there is no stopping me now. This morning's weigh in revealed 218.75.....yes - in the teens - finally! It seems like this entire past year has been all about going up and down the 220's scale but I have broken that barrier and have no intention of going back.

Of course this is the week Aunt Flo is in town so who knows what havoc she will wreak on my poor body. One never can tell what that biotch will throw my way. Speaking of which, I really need to find the bottle of Aleve because right now, I think Aunt Flo is using my uterus for a punching bag. Told you she was a biotch.

Uterine pain and bloating aside, Josh and I have been consistent about our morning walks.....we've worked up to a little over 3 miles with the dogs - so while we aren't doing a super fast clip, it's still a good distance to go and therefore a good calorie burn. Hey, the soreness in my arse doesn't lie!!

Josh of course is making amazing progress - 15 pounds!!! I cannot compete with this man so I don't even try. We are just there to encourage and cheer on each other and keep each other from the evil magnetic powers of baked goods. We actually bought the WW 1 point cakes yesterday and laughed when we saw how small they are......seriously - it's not even worth the two bites they give you and as soon as I was done chewing, I just wanted to tear into the rest and eat the whole damn box. Oh well - moderation, right?

I did buy some sugar free Klondie bars yesterday that are so worth the 3 points they cost.....

What would I do for a Klondike bar??? Um, just about anything. Yes, they are that good.

Other than that, no new tales to tell. This is spring break week but I still have homework and mucho wedding stuff to take care of. 

Today is Josh and my 2 year dating anniversary.....we might be going to dinner but I think both of us are a little nervous about eating out. We went to Olive Garden with his parents on Saturday before we registered (SOOO much fun!!!) and were smart enough to print the nutritional info out before going there. Can I just say - Oh-My-GOD. No wonder this country is filled with obese people.

Josh and I ordered the only 2 meals at about 300 calories.....and I think even those were underestimated. Most of the meals (even for lunch) were in the 600 calorie - 1000 calories range. Yikes! 

I am just happy I enjoy cooking and have learned how to make healthy things.....I don't know how people can eat out all of the time. Not only is it expensive, but the quality of food just isn't there. 

Anyway - I'll get off my soapbox (for now).

Time to finalize the wedding guest list so my sister and mom can finalize some shower details. They have been driving me nuts!

Points System -You are the Devil!

It's the eve of finishing my second full week on Weight Watchers as well as being the official beginning of my Spring Break from school. Tomorrow is week two weigh in......and I'm nervous.

Will I have a banner week or won't I????

I'm feeling good about having walked at 6:40 this morning for about 50 minutes (it would have been longer but Josh and I had a stupid argument so I walked home early) but as I sit here typing this, something is bothering me. I've had coffee and a cup of yogurt this morning and frankly, I'm a wee bit ravenous. 

Why is it that every time I try to diet, all I can do is think about food? And I don't just think about it - I OBSESS over it. If my thoughts were drifting to plates full of broiled tilapia fish and steamed broccoli I might be Ok, but if I'm being honest, candy bars, cosmos and cherry pie are really what's got me drooling......

This may have all started the other night when I presented this dandy little can of worms conversation starter to Josh:  "So, what food do you miss the most being on this diet?"

His answer was a fast and furious reply of "chocolatecakeandabigglassofmilk" which spewed from his mouth so quickly, I had no doubts that he had been sitting next to me having the same food cravings and fantasies I have been for the last 2 weeks. It's nice to know at least I'm not alone.

Look - dieting blows and there really is no two ways around it. You are NOT going to get skinny eating chocolate cake, that I can assure you. After all, that's pretty much the diet I have been on and off the last 20 odd years and I can safely say that by the looks of my ample ass, it's not working.

The tricky part I'm finding with Weight Watchers is the points tally system. What I once considered the easiest thing about this diet has now become the thing that has completely thrown me for a loop. I just found out I have been, to some extent, doing it all wrong and THAT pisses me off.

Apparently when you create a recipe you have to add all the calories, fat and fiber of each ingredient that you are using in order to calculate the points....so just because you eat a 1 point Boca Burger on a 1 point english muffin, you really have a 3 point sandwich. Say wha---?

I'll be the first person to admit I suck at math but I can add single digits and that crap just doesn't make sense to me. Josh tried to tell me the other night (as I prepared my shrimp pasta dish that went from 6 to 8 points in a flash) that that's how you do it -  but I got all high and Weight Watchers mighty on him by saying (perhaps somewhat condescendingly) I have been on the plan MANY TIMES and doesn't he think I know what the hell I am doing by now???

Uh, apparently not. Sorry, honey. Forgive me???

So, I've now had the rude awakening realizing I've been shoving my face happily with what I THOUGHT were low point meals but am sadly mistaken. This really sucks.

It completely changes my thinking.....

Discovering the recipe builder on WW's online tools was both a blessing and a curse because that's how I figured out the hidden points I wasn't calculating actually need to be factored in. It makes being on this plan all the more challenging.

As Josh fantasizes about missing his chocolate cake, I think I am really missing the alcohol - probably more than I should be. I had a Bud Light after class last night and the beer that I once referred to as 'watered down piss in a can' tasted so heavenly, I realized that dieting like this will really make you lower your standards, as long as it costs you less WW points!

While I really want to say I am enjoying this process, I'm not sure I am comfortable with that phrase just yet. My focus is on my health and of course looking good on my wedding day. I'm sticking to it and know that this process is not going to click overnight....

But in the meantime, I feel good knowing I am at least now correctly informed and can go forward doing the plan the way the Devil, I mean Weight Watchers, intended....

Got the bouquet blues....and some other stuff

I know I always seem to be saying this, but time sure does fly....and that goes for even when you are NOT having fun. Which has pretty much been my story for this past month.

I'm not sure how an entire month just slipped away but here I am at the tail end of February, staring out of my office window at the freezing drizzly crap that's falling from the grey sky and thinking that in less than 7 1/2 months, I'll be getting married. On the BEACH. Goodbye freezing drizzle - hello sand and sunny skies! I'm begging you Mother Nature - please, NO hurricanes.

There is still so much to do and now that I am in the thick of school, I feel panicked that all of the wedding stuff I know I have yet to iron out is just being sort of ignored - not deliberately - but just because I am a bad manager of time and am here blogging when I should be doing my research paper or looking for wedding invitations, or tackling a plethora of other stuff that is on my ever growing list of crap needing to be done. 

If we're talking strictly about wedding stuff and you're Josh, you just say, "What stuff? Everything is taken care of and we don't need to do anymore". 

If you're me, you say, "Utter bullshit."

Granted, some things are coming along.....for example the bridesmaid dress debacle has been resolved (do you believe in miracles?) and they are finally ordered and should be in sometime between June and August. I also got good news from Dawn at Salero that they are now providing a beach chair service for the wedding ceremony which is at least $100.00 cheaper than the quote I received from Grand Rental Station, so cheers of happy happy joy joy for that little unexpected bonus!

But of course with each bit of good fortune, there is a monkey wrench lurking around the corner just waiting to smack me in the face. Enter Bayberry Florist with their less than professional e-mail to me letting me know that they now have a family wedding on 10/9/10 and will no longer be able to do the flowers for our wedding. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I suppose as God's twisted answers to my prayers,  I recently received an e-mail from the other florist Josh and I met with over the summer, asking me if I have anyone to do my flowers yet. (Actually, no, but thanks for rubbing it in). The problem was that he was kind of a gigantic asshole when we met with him. I don't think he cared for my unhomofabulous Home Depot paint swatches as color inspiration and general lack of organization of any kind. Plus, I kept telling him that I wasn't crazy about pink and yellow flowers, yet he kept showing me pictures of  - you guessed it - freaking pink and yellow flowers!!! Time for a cochlear implant there, buddy! To make a long story short - we just weren't feeling each other.

At the end of the day, he's not really who I wanted to work with, but I suppose beggar brides can't be choosy. Besides I decided I may drive myself even more crazy by DIYing my centerpieces, so I really only need him for beach arrangements and bouquets, boutineers and corsages. I found some great glass containers at TJ Maxx and now all I need to do is commit to those Manzanita branches I have been eyeing up online and it's centerpiece making and pulling out my hair on the agenda for October!

To top off the stress, Josh and I have committed to doing Weight Watchers online. Sheryl is ecstatic that I FINALLY saw the light here.....really, it was Josh's doing. Less than kind comments from my sister provoked it. Yes, she's my sister, and my matron of honor and I love her - but when it comes to criticizing , she can be Biotch of the Year. Trust me.

So, Josh signed me up on Saturday and he created a spread sheet for himself and we are counting points like good little WW drones.....(we are also hungry).

I have dropped 3 1/2 pounds since Saturday so who am I to complain?(Oh that's right - I'm me - complaining is what I do).

Right now I am hovering at 222.5 lbs......so that actually puts me a pound behind schedule if I am looking at my pound per week loss (dammit), but I think I can make up for it down the road. We've been working out too and Josh is a fantastic motivator. Overall, I feel very good about this and am trying to be realistic about my goal and be positive about this experience. I've been on WW for what seems like a million times, so I know the drill. I think once I get into a little bit more, I'll be able to forget about chocolate and just be happy with looser pants.

That's it for now - I really do need to get that research paper done so I can maybe do a little wedding research before class tonight. Until next time....(and really, who knows when that will be???)

I am NOT a Bridezilla, I'm just confused.....

It's Thursday morning, just after 10:00 and although I should be reading the 9 chapters I was assigned for my class Tuesday night, I have wedding stuff on the brain and am finding it hard to concentrate. Part of me really wants to call my friend Val - the only bridesmaid I have right now that is still willing to talk wedding smack with me and not hate my guts for it. As for the rest of the girls, I'd be willing to bet they think I have become incredibly annoying, acting all bride-y and shit. Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to chat today and get the much needed phone therapy I desire. I have a doc appt at 2:00 and still need to work outbefore I go (although Josh and I did walk for 30 mins this AM in 22 degree weather....bbbrrrrr).

So, yes, it's true I'm having some issues with the bridesmaid dresses - as in I can't make a f-ing decision to save my life. The problem began back in the day when I started planning all of this stuff, I decided that I absolutely HAD to have silk shantung. It's shiny and rich looking, comes in amazing colors and photographs gorgeously. So what's the dealio, you ask? Um, it's a tad pricey.

And since I'm already asking people to travel far and wide and pay for overnight accommodations for a long weekend for this wedding, it seemed only fair to try and be as budget conscious about the dresses as possible. 

I've found a few that I thought would work but since I bought 144 teal votive candle holders, I am committed to teal as my color. But last night when my sister and Janet went to try on the dress that I thought would be "the one", let's just say it wasn't. The color was right but the style was all wrong. Suffice it to say I do not want my 7 bridesmaids to look like they are all with child. And that's precisely what this dress would do to them. And then they'd REALLY hate my guts.

So - on to plan B......find more teal dresses!!!! Preferably in taffeta....with the color erring on the dark side - in other words, not Miami Dolphins aqua.....

It is an October wedding after all - beach or no beach.

I told the girls I'd have my decision made last night and here I am, STILL all confused about what to do. I didn't dare e-mail them because #1, they are no doubt sick of my mass e-mails and #2 I am sure they are already talking crap about me anyway over this dress thing (hell, if I were them, I would). Josh has taken to calling me Bridezilla but I emphatically deny that I am anywhere near this level of pushy, bitchy, asshole brideness - I am NOT that bad. I just want what I want....and, I SUCK ass at making final choices. That doesn't make me a Bridezilla. What it does make me is irritating as all get out - but you know what? I can live with that.

Ultimately, to make matters simple, I could go with the Belsoie dress I originally had chosen but my sister revealed to me last night that it really wasn't her favorite and in all honesty, now that I have seen dresses on that have a fuller skirt, I tend to like that styling better.

Kill me now.

Are we beginning to understand why I eat?

Anyway, I'll get it all figured out eventually and I still have a bit of time to decide. I promise to not harass my b'maids until I do.

I'll give it some thought while I'm on the elliptical trainer.....

Off the Sauce

Oh glorious frigid Monday! 

I welcome you and your 16 degree temperature! You helped my body burn more calories on today's morning walk just to prevent me from turning into a human ice cube!

Hey - I'll take the calorie burn any way I can get it - even if it means subjecting myself to unbrrrrrlievably cold walks with Josh in the AM. 

I told you I was committed.

We've officially hit the 9 month mark here, people....there is NO messing around at this point.

I can feel the sand on my toes already.....aaaahhhhhhh. 

All in all, last week was a good one. I feel wildly rejuvenated in this new year/new me phase of life, and dare I say overly optimistic about what I can personally achieve in the next few months. I realized Josh and I will be getting our long overdue engagement session photos done in the early spring so I really have less time to get to what I feel is my comfort zone weight than I thought I did. At first I panicked but then, after chewing it over (did you know there are no calories in thoughts??), I just decided that I need to be even more focused and not let myself get lazy these next few months. With a dress coming in one size smaller, there is no wiggle room for lazy.

It's amazing that the no drinking policy I have enforced on myself is what is really bothering me this past week. I'm not saying I have an issue with alcohol (never mind bar photo above), but somehow watching the playoffs last night sans beer in hand, seemed a little - I dunno - wrong????

It's no exaggeration that since classes ended in the beginning of December, I may have partook in a bit more holiday cheer than let's say, the average elf, and while doing so completely ignored the fact that those Chelsea Sidecars I grew so fond of (damn you, Mr. Bostons Drink Guide), actually HAD (more than I care to know) calories in them! But, to be sure, by the time Josh and I were hanging our stockings by the (I wish) chimney with care on December 24, the affects of those oft ignored calories soon would be there. And by there, I mean nestled, all snug in my fat cells.....with visions of sugar plums, indeed. In fact, visions of ANYTHING with sugar, is more like it.

Bah Humbug I say!

So while my self inflicted sobriety streak is not my favorite part of this "lifestyle"plan, I feel it is a necessary one for now. And no, I don't need a 12 step program to help me through it, thanks.

With a loss of 1 and 1/2 lbs this week, I won't argue with results. And although it's not the kind of loss Josh usually experiences when he starts a health kick (uh, like 11 lbs in a week? I love him but SHIT!!! Come on!!! 11 freaking pounds?????), it is what my body feels I deserve and I won't complain. I look at it as a 1/2 lb more than what was on my list of goals. It is a positive - not a negative. I can keep this pace up. It doesn't scare me as much as hoping for a 2 lb or more loss every week and often being disappointed. The goal is 1 lb a week - anything more is a total bonus. 

This type of weigh loss plan is not only manageable, but it is also NOT overwhelming, which I think is key. After all, I certainly didn't feel like I killed myself this week to drop a pound and a half, but I was more conscious about portions and what I ate and of course then, there is the exercise. As much as I hate to say it, I do know in my heart of hearts that it is this element of the plan that is going to get me the results I want. (Sigh).

So, with that said, I have my walk in today but still need to get on the elliptical machine. One week in and I am not sick of it yet - it's a good sign!

I still have quite a bit of wedding stuff to tackle this week before school begins......but things are starting to take shape. Now only if my body will follow!

All I want for Christmas is my neck to reappear....

Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lange syne?

Seriously - what the hell does that song mean anyway?

If those old acquaintances should happen to refer to sugar, fat and flour and the ingredients of all of my favorite but unhealthy foods, then yes, indeed, they should be forgotten. And those days of auld lange syne? If they should happen to refer to the gluttonous feeding frenzies and alcohol indulgences of the past decade then, yes, they too should be kicked to the curb and the old memory bank cleared of them - permanently.

It's not only a new year, but it's also a new decade and the health kick promises of yore still ring as loudly in my ears as the clinking of champagne glasses from this past New Year's Eve....

Those last year resolutions, now embarrassingly referred to as my list of empty promises, have a way of making me feel like a failure - and for good reason.....

My Lord, what have I done to myself this past year?

All I can do is point to the above photograph and gasp in horror as I search in vain to find the place where my neck once resided.....

As one can easily see, it appears to have gone missing. I swear to God I used to have one.

It's no wonder why, so I won't bore you with the gory (albeit delicious) details. What I will say is this....only linebackers should be sporting the no neck look - not little 'ole 5' me.  

That picture is about as fat and fugly as I ever want to be captured in any digital capacity and I am so deeply disturbed by it and the triple chins it so grandly exposes that today is THE DAY I wholeheartedly vow to myself and the world to make them go away, and in turn, see if I can coax my neck back to it's rightful place (below just ONE chin, thanks).

The weight today after 2 cups of coffee, a lame attempt at a dump and several pees, is a very troubling 228.6.....

The holidaze chewed me up and spit me out like a bad fruit cake, and now it's time to repair the damage - and then some. So, being the new decade and all, I did dedicate some brain power to thinking seriously about some resolutions that I believe are both reasonable as well as doable....

Let's face it kids, with just about 39 weeks to the wedding, I can't afford to be in denial any longer. And with that triple chinned stranger staring back at me in that New Year's Eve photo, I realize losing myself this deeply is both a crying ass shame AND a huge problem -  and as we all know - only I can fix it.

So, welcome 2010 - the year of my wedding!!!!!!! I have a feeling you and I are going to end up liking each other alot. My goals for this year are:

• Lose 39 lbs before the wedding = 1 lb per week
• Stay away from all fried foods
• Limit refined carbs to twice a week - focus on lean meats, fruits and veggies
• No alcohol until March 17
• Exercise daily - even if it's only 10 minutes
• Strength train at least 3 times a week
• Find job
• Get large details finalized for wedding before school starts
• Learn to say NO more often
• Write regularly in blog
• Be happy with where I am in the moment
• Always remember my goals and reward each one met with some non-food pampering

Not insurmountable, right?

I know the writing is on the wall and the time to start is NOW - after all I ordered my dress one size smaller than recommended, so this is serious. I had to sign off on it to remove any responsibility or blame from the dress not fitting on the retailer. Time to prove I'm not insane. It's do or die and I KNOW I can do this..... 

If I am sure of anything, it is that there is no way in living hell that my wedding photos are going to feature multiple chins, ham hock arms and my dress exploding in the back....I refuse to be that bride. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I have a date with my elliptical trainer.