Let's try this again......

I don't want to get my hopes up but the sun is actually shining this morning (hallelujah!) and already I feel like a completely different person from yesterday. I realize that as of late, I have been more than a wee bit "doom and gloom" and I know I desperately need to work on that. I used to be so happy, but this being fat thing has really gotten the best of me. Negativity breeds negatively, and boy have I cornered the market on being Debbie Downer for quite some time. Is it any wonder the scale has been stalled at that ugly 230's number for months? I haven't done jack shit to change it.
But today, despite the forecast for rain later this evening, I am going to make a conscious effort to keep my chin up and make it a good day....and that means being on top of what I jam in my mouth.....trust me, I understand the past two nights of tacos, ice cream, and wine haven't done much to improve my situation. God, that doesn't even sound good when I write it....
But really, I can't just blame the tacos. Or the ice cream. Or the wine. It's all me. I haven't exercised beyond the walk here and there with Josh. As a mater of fact, I even skipped it today because I was working on homework this morning. I have become so good at making excuses about not exercising that even Josh has given up trying to persuade me that I need to do it. It's not worth the aggravation.
This, too, is all on me.
But looking outside today gives me hope, and of course reading others blogs also inspires me. There are so many people out there DOING IT...LOSING...TAKING CONTROL....I used to be one of those people and then something just happened.
I quit.
I haven't pin-pointed why that happened last year after the wedding but  I have theories. It is obvious that my dysfunctional relationship with food was never truly dissolved. I never learned how to let go of all the things that got me here in the first place. I still think of food as comfort, and I still somehow have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to eat what I want. Oh, what a fucking fallacy that is!
It's May already....well, it's almost the end of May, really. Summer is just about here and I know that this year I will not be embracing having to go through my summer clothes once again to rummage and find the few items that still fit. I have thought about this moment months ago; I have begged and pleaded with myself to make a change, and yet here it is.....truth time.
And the truth is, I need to start over.
Clean Slate.
New Beginning.
Today.

Rain, rain...you suck!

I am struggling....
Struggling with lack of motivation...struggling with guilt because I am unmotivated...struggling with berating myself for this lack of motivation....just your typical plain old struggling - except it feels kind of hard core. I don't feel like myself.
It has been raining for what feels like weeks on end. Yes, there have been intermittent bursts of what some might call sunshine, but for the most part April and May have been one gigantic annoying soak-fest. Meanwhile, Texas is in some horrific drought right now. What gives?
While there are no rain drops falling from the sky at this particular second, they are sure to come today. I have checked and re-checked the forecast. In the next 10 days, only Monday shows any chance for a day without rain.
Mother Nature must be going through "the change".  It's really the only excuse for this kind of shit.
I have whined and complained about how rainy days are super unmotivating for me, so to have 2 months jam packed with this type of weather has done little to kick my working out or healthier eating plan into gear.
However, I realize that is my fault, and my fault only. This is quite possibly the worst excuse I could have for not working out INSIDE MY HOME or trying to be a more conscious eater. Rain does not excuse bad behavior. It just doesn't. I know lots of people who push past those lame excuses (which I acknowledge it is) and just get their asses moving.
For them, shedding the fat wins out over inclement weather every time. I wish I was one of those people. Maybe some day I will be, but right now? It doesn't appear that I am. I have a dark cloud hanging over me, and it's not just the one outside right now...and I want it gone.
I know one part of it is that I have to get this room, my office space and one-time spare bedroom (which is being converted into a home gym) organized. Right now my treadmill is acting as hanger for my clean laundry and the seat of the recumbant bike has text books piled on it. The elliptical machine is jammed into a corner which is not conducive for exercise. How convenient.
So here's my plan....maybe this weekend, if I get my homework out of the way I can start to get this place in shape....and then maybe, just maybe, me getting in shape will follow suit.

When "the end" isn't near enough....

I should be emitting a huge sigh of relief right about now. Yesterday marked the end of another semester, inching me ever closer to my masters degree and a new teaching career. But it's hard to feel relief when other things are still hanging over me akin to the grey and dreary sky that is apparent outside today.
I still have the following academic hurdles to jump before the end of this semester truly feels like the "end":

• Complete 30 hours of class observation before the end of May
• Suffer through a 3-night a week Pre-Calc class that begins mid-May and runs through June 30
• Take another class (Introducing the Arts across the Curriculum) that will occupy 2 full Friday/Saturday/Sunday blocks of my time in June. Of course one of those full day classes falls on Josh's 40th birthday. How pissed am I about that? I'll tell you. I'M VERY FREAKING PISSED.
• Complete a full detailed write up of my two observations once this second one is completed.
• Take the Praxis II exam....and start thinking about studying for and taking the 3rd Praxis, while I'm at it.

But... I have to trudge on through and Just. Get. This. Shit. Done.
And then maybe, just maybe, I will finally breathe that sigh of relief......but for now, I'm still very much in school mode. And it sucks balls.
Today is the only day of reprieve since I will be doing my first 2 days of my second observation tomorrow and Friday and then will be preparing for a Mother's Day/Dad's b-day celebration we are having here on Sunday with both Josh's parents and my family. The house is a wee tad messy right now and while I should be channeling my inner Cinderella and scrubbing every surface til it shines, I'm sitting here avoiding these necessary duties like the plague (as I do with anything I find remotely distasteful). If you haven't caught on by now, I'm here to tell you, "Avoidance" is my middle name.
It's raining again today (all day) so of course that meant no morning walk, no start-to-my-day rejuvenation in the sun. Instead, I'm feeling a sense of sleepy laziness that makes me want to crawl back under the covers and take a long winter's nap. Unfortunately, that won't be happening.
I have to attend a family meeting at the facility where my grandmother is staying for her rehab. We are meeting with her case worker to discuss options, but my mom and I have already mulled it over it, and we feel it might be best to simply honor my Gram's wishes and allow her to try living back at her own home again. But it's good to get some additional information should we go for the assisted living route, hence the meeting with the case worker today at 1:30.
Afterward I need to go to the mall to buy an outfit for tomorrow (and let me just say how much I do NOT look forward to shopping for clothing right now), buy a baby gift, and hopefully I can squeeze in a pedicure before heading to the paint store with Josh to choose colors to paint the exterior of our house. My toes are an absolute abomination at the moment and I should be horrified at the fact I have been running around with them exposed in flip flops and sandals as of late, but really? I have had much bigger fish to fry to really give a significant rat's ass. However, since making a good impression on my mentor teacher is important for tomorrow, I figure I better get these gnarly chipped turquoise polished bear claws under control.
Somewhere in there I also need to arrange a date between the chicken that's been marinating for two day in my fridge and my grill.....(and should also think about making better friends with my elliptical machine, but there's always tomorrow, I guess).
The long and short of it is that it will be a busy end, not just to the week, but also to the semester, which although considered officially "over" by the college's calendar, certainly isn't over by my own personal one.
Hmmm...maybe all of this "busy" will keep my mind off of food for a change.
Hey, weirder things have been known to happen.
Yesterday's weight: 228.25
A step in the right direction (even if it was stress induced).
Only 98.25 more "steps" to go.