When my Mama said I look good in white....this isn't what she had in mind?

Well folks, I have completely thrown both my scale and my sanity out the window....what good are either of those things when you're in the final countdown til wedding day, anyway? (cue cheesy song by 80's hair band Europe here).....

What I want to know is how the hell it got to be October when just yesterday, it was August?

I think I must have been in a DIY induced coma for the past month. I feel like Sleeping Beauty after being slipped a ruffie. Seriously, what the hell happened to the time?

We are exactly at one week away.....this time next week I will be hopefully sleeping but if I know myself I may be doing exactly what I am now, minus one thing. I'll probably be sitting at my computer, drinking coffee like it's my job, but the one thing I won't be doing is worrying about what still needs to be done, because as of this time next week - if it ain't done, it ain't gettin' done!

By this time next week, the rehearsal will have taken place, the rehearsal dinner will have been digested and the venue will have been decorated.....all Josh and I need to worry about is showing up!

And to be honest? I can't freaking wait! 

Despite not losing the weight I wanted to (let's not go there right now shall we?), or being able to do some of the crazy shit I wanted to (like hang stuff from the ceiling), a the end of the day, we love each other, we are getting married, and we are going to have the time of our lives.

There's just one catch.

I just need to not be committed to an insane asylum before that moment arrives.....

Wish me luck!

Rule of Wedding Planning: What can go wrong, will.

Want to know a sure fire way to get a bride to shit herself in the middle of a Michael's craft store?

Put out Halloween items in early August to remind her just how fast her October wedding (which is weeks BEFORE Halloween) is approaching. 

If I was smart, rich, and had the good sense to hire a day of coordinator in the early stages of my planning, perhaps I wouldn't have had the spaz attack I had right there in aisle 13, as I perused, for what must be the umpteenth time, the glass section in search for the perfect centerpiece container. Guess what? The perfect glass centerpiece container apparently does not exist at Michael's  - or anywhere else local that would save me a fortune in shipping costs. But this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to wedding planning inconveniences I have been enduring as of late.

In fact, the Halloween scare was just the grande finale to what has been a whirlwind 2 1/2 months or so since I have written last......this should give a clear indication as to how bat-shit crazy busy I have been since my class ended June 30th.

I have since discovered quite a few other ways that the stresses of wedding planning can cause a bride to soil herself. For starters? Have her find out her apparently unstable friend who is also a hair stylist (and dates and even more unstable guy) needs to cancel her services she promised to provide on the wedding day. Note: It is suspected the cancellation occurred because of said jackass guy, hence leaving the frazzled bride (who incidentally has the world's worst hair and could really use some major help that day) to scramble last minute for a new stylist in a town where she knows no one. 

Another crap yourself bridal moment can occur when, for months, the bride has been diligently watching the calendar at her reception venue to ensure no one books the Friday before her wedding. This way, she and her wedding party can happily decorate the venue on Thursday in a STRESS-FREE, NO RUSH manner so that Friday and Saturday are left for things such as manis, pedis, cocktails, marriage and merriment.....But then at exactly 3 months out, some BIOTCH BRIDE books the venue for a wedding. Are you freaking kidding me???? While I can perhaps sympathize that she is having a shot gun wedding (because seriously why on God's green Earth would anyone, or COULD anyone for that matter, plan a wedding in 3 months. It took me 22 months...I'm just sayin'.....), this by far, screwed (and I am talking "drop the soap in prison" type screwed here) with my wedding weekend plan the most. This will never be more apparent than on the Friday night of my rehearsal dinner when I am still decorating, bleary-eyed and no doubt, in full Bridezilla mode, at 2 AM. 

Hope that pregnant bride is happy.

And last but certainly not least, yet another fun way to make a bride have a mudslide in her delicates is to have her photographer not show up on the day her engagement session is scheduled, instilling ZERO confidence in him showing up on the actual day of the wedding. The fact that he profusely apologized and swore he had never ever ever missed a photography session in all of his years as a photographer did nothing to assuage my feelings of being the red-headed stepchild who is obviously so insignificant to him that I became the ONLY person he's ever dissed. Not to mention the light was gorgeous that night and, miracle of miracles, I was actually having a good hair day. Just to put it in perspective for you, this happens about as frequently as a sighting of Haley's Comet. The temperature was absolutely perfect and I was at the time, still feeling really great about picking Sam as our photographer. 

However that all changed when the night we actually did end up rescheduling, it was humid as hell, I was sweating so profusely my hair was sticking to my face, and to top off the night some freakish flying bug swarm  came upon us like the plague of the locusts. And for anyone who knows me well, that is probably the BEST way to get this bride to shit herself - Hands. Down.

So much has happened over these past months, in fact, that it is impossible to blog about it all in details so those are just the highlights. 

To add to my insanity, my DIY list continues to grow. I seriously think I need to be committed.

My weight loss has completely stalled, as I hover today around 201.....my beach vacation did quite the number on me - and by number I mean 6.....as in 6 lbs. Back to the grind today.....I burned 440 calries on my elliptical today.....just need to keep with it. 

School also starts today which has been known to throw me off the horse at times, but I am hoping to keep it together for at least the next 6 weeks. I think I can manage.....

So, until the next time I find a free hour or so.......

Favorite Things

Bud Light that's limey and rich chocolate cake.....

Fried calamari and fruit pies that you bake....

Minty mojitos that wash down hot wings...

These are a few of my favorite things.....

When it's summer!

What that heat brings!

Making drinks by the vat...

I simply remember my favorite things...

But then I recaaaaalllll....how I got soooooo faaaaaaat........

Aaaaahhhh, yes summer......

It's officially upon us, and as the mercury climbs with each passing day, I feel my powers of will and ability to resist all things I consider "summer-related" weakening. Every season this happens. I tend to associate certain foods and activities with winter, spring, summer & fall and look forward to each one with the same enthusiasm as if I were welcoming an old friend back into my life after a 9 month hiatus from hanging out. While I love all of of my "seasonal friends" in their own special way, I have a particularly soft spot for summer. And really? Who doesn't?

Summer offers you the beach, warm air, the ability to hang outside while sporting minimal clothing, light in the sky until almost 9 PM, and the opportunity to have a multitude of picnics, parties and al fresco dining meals 'til your heart's content.

Summer is good. It's very, very good.

But aside from the afore mentioned wonderful aspects of summer, it has some rather diet sabotaging aspects to it as well.

To me, summer means cocktails - endless varieties and frequent consumption......and before you say anything, I realize technically I could make this claim about EVERY season (and probably already have) - but perhaps I should elaborate on one specific cocktail that I find embodies summer to the core. At this very moment I have more mint than I know what to do with growing in my backyard. It's a beast and is taking over, pushing the rock wall apart that Josh so carefully and loving put together with his bare hands when he moved into the house. When we planted it, I had no idea it was essentially a weed and would take off with such vengeance. But it did, and here we are, with a mountain of mint (and coincidentally, several varieties of rum residing in my liquor cabinet). So, I ask you -  is it really just freak happenstance that mojitos are an extremely refreshing summertime  beverage and mint just so happens to be one of the main ingredients? 

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to get that this is pure kismet.

Cocktails aside, summer also provides us with delicious juicy strawberries, blueberries, peaches and raspberries that, agreed, are wonderful on their own when eaten from a bowl, with a spoon, but are ten times better when surrounded by a light flaky pie crust and a side of vanilla bean ice cream.

Oh, Ice Cream....

Don't get me started.

BUT, in February I made a promise to myself and I intend on keeping it.

Just because summer has represented all of these wonderful things in the past doesn't mean that modifications can't be made for this upcoming season of sol to make sure I don't lose sight of my goals. This past weekend showed me exactly how quickly one can become derailed when the food and drink blinders come off and you start eating like the person you were 25 pounds ago. Yikes! 

I'm not making excuses (sort of) but it was Josh's birthday and as part of the birthday celebration AND to celebrate the meeting of Josh's weight loss goals (a whopping 82 pounds!), he requested a decadent chocolate cake and I was not going to disappoint him. I don't need to tell anyone that having an entire chocolate cake in a house with two people who equate it's addictive powers to that of crack cocaine is a bad idea......

Thankfully neither of us required an intervention or a stay at the Betty Crocker Clinic but it may have been touch and go there for a while. The cake is now gone, thank God, and life is back to normal. Or as normal as it can be with the two of us, and our three crazy hounds.

But it wasn't only the chocolate cake that interfered - at least not for me.  We went out with friends on Friday and since we haven't done that in a while, (and Bud Light Lime was on tap at the bar), I imbibed.....probably the most I have since February. If I do drink these days, it's been primarily wine or a cocktail but I have been trying to avoid beer due to its magical bloating ability....but hot summer night and Bud Light Lime on tap was too good to resist - however the scale the following day let me know in no uncertain terms that I should have at least tried.

Top the weekend off with a decadent dinner with Josh's parents at the Peach and Frog in New Brunswick, where I proceeded to have tuna sashimi, hanger steak, half a bottle of wine and yet MORE chocolate cake and the scale was REALLY screaming bloody murder.

May had been a slow month in general for my weight loss so I knew that going into June, I was going to have to bust a move if I want to drop 30 more pounds before the wedding.....

Let's just say the birthday weekend did not help me in that particular endeavor. I was hovering at 200 lbs last week, just about to bust through to the 190's....Pre-chocolate cake, pre-booze, pre-food induced coma.

Today, I finally am back down to 200.5......but my weight had crept up to 202.5, which not only depressed me but made me realize that taking my eye off the prize for even a short time can wreak havoc on my system and mess with my progress big time. It just isn't worth it.

So it's back to the health kick this week, and I feel good about it. I've made a promise to get on my bike more, do more exercises with my hand weights and make better friends with my elliptical machine.  Yes, it's summer - and while it may be a great season to be hazy and lazy it's an even better season to be active. So, despite knowing I will have to change my attitude a bit about the way I look at summer, I'm ok with it. I'm pretty sure I won't abandon all of my favorite things about the season, but instead, I hope to add a few new ones to the list.

I'm on Fire!

I'm not sure when I came to the conclusion that DIYing practically my whole freaking wedding was a good idea but I am curious as to why those who knew this was going on have yet to physically come to my house to restrain me and stage a Marthavention????

I think, with just shy of 4 months to go that I have really lost my damn marbles. 

While I've never been what one might describe as a simple person and have never been one to shy away from decorating projects (ask my roommate and friends who helped hang 100+ snowflakes from my apartment ceiling for a Christmas party a few years back), this time, I may have gone more than a little apeshit. I found out very quickly just how easy it is to do....

I'm on fire, people and I'm just getting started! I have ideas coming to me at all hours of the day and my frightening obsession searching the internet regarding all things bridal only helps to fuel the DIY flame....

Who the hell is this lunatic I've become? And can I get my own show on the WE channel?

The list of projects I have committed to seems to grow each day with the lure of saving money and adding that "personal touch" which, at the end of day, we know is total bullshit because let's face it:

#1) it really doesn't end up saving me all that much and 

#2) Do people even give a rats ass about "personalization" at a wedding as long as you supply them with a limitless supply of top shelf booze?

Uh - Hells no.

However, I shall not be deterred! So far my list of DIY projects includes (but is not limited to):

Pomander balls for the ceremony (oh so time consuming)

Pom Poms 

Table #'s

Centerpieces

All other decorations (of which there are many)

Favors

Escort Cards

Invitations & Reply Cards

Programs

Bathroom Baskets

Have I missed anything?

Oh - that's right - we're writing our own vows too.....

Sweet Jesus & Mary, have I gone mad?

After the wedding, I may be inclined to launch my own website called DDIY....DON'T Do It Yourself....Unless You're A Freaking Sadist. Or You Have A Shit Ton of Free Time On Your Hands And A Big Ass Glue Gun. Oh, And An Endless Cash Flow.

I, have none of those things, so I guess that just makes me a freaking sadist.

My biggest issue right now is that my summer class is rather intense and somewhat time consuming (then again, so is blogging - duh! Well, minus the intense part...). I suppose this is where my time management skills should kick in, if I had any.....which I don't.

Last night I had what I would by all definitions call a nightmare, where my wedding decorations that I had painstakingly planned out got taken over by my florist who proceeded to make the reception venue look something akin to a Red Hat Society function. In my nightmare, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, especially when I saw the red satin table cloths and red beaded flowers at each table setting, along with purple lace "accents" and worst of all - my manzanita branches were nowhere to be found.....The Horror!

I'm not surprised I had this awful dream , as I have been paranoid about my florist from the get go. I think he has essentially ignored all of my ideas but has more or less pushed his preferences on me....I'm not good at dealing with pushy people and he's one of them. I don't think he's really into the DIY bride and despite the flowers not being the central part of the decorations, I still want the bouquets and everything  that is floral to be pretty.....and of course coordinated with the color scheme (which may have changed a few times over the course of the planning - sue me).

I have been avoiding e-mailing him about the fact that the flowers we had agreed on (which were primarily gem tones and did have some purple and red elements - YIKES!!!!) are now no longer appropriate since I found non-solid linens (stripes = more "beachy" feel) so I am yet AGAIN changing my mind about what I want.

I know this guy is probably going to tell my Bridezilla ass I am shit out of luck, but I am secretly hoping that's not the case and it's not too late to change the floral color scheme....

I haven't really signed anything yet but have given him a $500.00 retainer.....

Guess I should probably let him know my plans sooner rather than later. The sooner I do it, the less nightmares I'll have and frankly, I can't take another doozie like I had last night.

Ending this post on a high note, I am 1 pound away from reaching the 200 lb mark! I was 201 this AM, and hoping by the weekend, I can get below 200.....

That means no Slim-A-Bear Klondikes and (even more sadly) no mojitos......

But with the official onset of summer just a few days away, I am more than willing to make the sacrifice!

Some things just aren't meant to be fat free....

You know what one of the most depressing things is about dieting?

Using fat free half & half.

That shit tastes NOTHING like the real thing.

And from a self proclaimed coffee junkie's point of view, it can kill your morning caffeinated cocktail in just one little pour.

My relationship with coffee's better half (and half) hasn't been an easy one. It all started when I developed a taste for "coffee" by going to Dunkin Donuts where I proceeded to order my coffee with cream and sugar. If I had to give an educated guess, I'd venture to say the coffee to cream ratio is about 1:1 when you order it that way. In other words, the beverage is damn near white in color. Hot milk, if you will, with a splash of something that may or may not have been picked by Juan Valdez. Add in the 5 lb bag or so of sugar they like to toss in there and you've got yourself a sugary, creamy scalding hot treat that someone had the balls to pass off as coffee. I used to enjoy this beverage at least once a day.

Knock Knock....Are we still wondering how I reached 232 lbs?

All I can say is, thank the Lord for the invention of Splenda..... barring, of course, any study that comes out in the future linking it directly to some hideous form of cancer. 

The truth is, I've gone steady and broken up with half & half many times throughout my life, dumping it like a bad habit (which it was) whenever I was trying to lose weight. This time around, on Weight Watchers attempt #562, I decided I would try to keep it incorporated in my diet since 2 Tbsp is worth only 1 measly point. 

That's all well and good when you have 26 points in the day to play with, as I did when I began the program in February. It never infringed on consuming other foods so I really didn't mind giving up the point in order to drink my coffee the way I enjoyed it best.

But since then, due to my weight loss (and hey, I'm not complaining!) I have dropped to an allotment of 24 points per day. And while 2 points doesn't sound like a lot for those that don't speak WeightWatchers-ese, it's a kings freaking ransom.

Or at the very least, it's a Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwich, which, when you're dieting,  is essentially as valuable, not to mention as strongly desired, as a king's freaking ransom.

So, I've begun to juggle my points and figure out how I can get the most bang for my buck so to speak, for my points expenditure. I've had to take into account, I usually like to have my dessert fix somewhere in the day and am less likely to give that up than anything else. Using half and half just doesn't seem worth the point anymore.

Or so I thought - until I decided to end things with Cream and try to establish a love affair with Land o' Lakes Fat Free Half and Half.  Let's just say it left me feeling.....well, unsatisfied.

My FMIL swears by the stuff and it's what she uses at her home and at the beach house so this isn't the first time I have consumed the stuff.  But I find I never enjoy my coffee quite like I do when I am using the real deal. 

I've toyed with the idea of drinking my coffee black, as I did when I was on the South Beach Diet - but I remember after a month or two of doing that it looked like I had a bad chewing tobacco habit, my teeth were so horribly stained. With the wedding coming up, a pearly smile is important to me and if I go the black route, I'd have to take stock in Crest White Strips. Frankly speaking, they're expensive and I'm unemployed, so it's safe to say that's not gonna happen. And that myth that once you go black, you never go back?  Not true. 

We're still talking about coffee here, right?

So, what's a java junkie to do?

Suck it up - that's what.......

I think back to the days when I didn't like beer. (I know, I know - insert laughter here).

I started by drinking half hard cider, half lager.....and then eventually grew to love....no, correction - FUCKING LOVE -  just beer. Again, this love contributed greatly to my weight issues, but thats not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is - for me, beer was an acquired taste and maybe that's the case with fat free half & half too. If I can go halvies for a week or so and gradually switch to all fat free, maybe, just maybe I'll learn to like it. 

And for zero points? It's worth a try.

Walking Down Memory Lane

Exactly one year and four days ago, I started blogging about my weight loss attempt so that, in theory, for fear of public humiliation, I'd be forced to do something about the rapid expansion of my ass prior to getting married this fall. At the time I started blogging, I had no idea when my wedding date was going to be, and in addition, had no idea as to how truly unmotivated I was to shed the pounds. When I began writing, I felt as thought by making public my efforts at weight loss, I'd be more likely to do the work necessary to get fit 'n' trim once and for all. It's amazing just how delusional I was in the beginning. I never realized just how buddy buddy me and my fat had become.

Make no mistake - It's not that I didn't want to lose weight. That desire has been there since I was a teenager. In the past, though, the big motivator to slim down was never really for me personally - it was so that guys would find me attractive. It was my belief in my late teens, 20's and early 30's that the size of my ass was what stood between me and my true happiness. I placed such a focus on getting in shape for everyone OTHER than myself, no wonder I failed time and time again.

This time around, I already landed the man. Doing it for me was supposed to be the only other option - but I think I made the mistake of focusing more on losing weight for the wedding rather than placing myself and ultimately, my health, in the spotlight. Again, it failed. 

That is, until February 20, when I made the commitment to both Josh and myself that I would honestly, truly and sincerely do it this time. And you know what? It worked!

Last year at this time I was frantically yanking every item of clothing I owned out of my drawers and closets, spewing curses like a demon during an exorcism. Panicked distress cries could be heard for miles as I tried on item after item, only to find them unzippable, unbuttonable, and with that said, obviously unwearable. I stood teary eyed in front of the full length mirror, ashamed I had let myself and my love of all things fatty and fried take over and reduce me to such a blubbery mess. Josh may have loved me with all his heart at that moment, but the truth was, I did not love myself.

I remember vividly what 230 pounds feels like on a 5' 0" frame. It sucks - more than you know. There isn't a bone that doesn't creak, a joint that doesn't hurt and there sure isn't an ounce of confidence to be found. That girl that started this blog a little more than a year ago was in really bad fucking shape. And that shape was ROUND.

Thankfully, something finally clicked. Or I assume it did. People talk about their "rock bottom" like it's a concrete thing they can identify as the catalyst to their weight loss. Personally, I feel like I've experienced a hundred "rock bottoms" -  moments in time that I identified as my lowest, most emotionally draining points in life in direct relation to being overweight. But ironically enough, none of them really seemed to make the impact on me that one would expect they would. I'd go all half cocked on some weight loss regimen only to abandon it a few weeks later and pack the pounds back on that I had just lost.....what a vicious cycle.

If I have to credit anything, or anyone with inspiring me to lose weight for me, for good, this time, it of course would be Josh. He not only supported me emotionally, but also physically too, because he did the hard work with me - and then some! He has without a doubt worked harder at this than I ever could and the results are phenomenal. Who's going to argue with a 65 lb loss in less than 3 months? It's unfuckingbelievable! He is a new man and I am so stinking proud of him.

But today I hit my own mini-goal - 10% of my weight has now been lost. And I have no intention of finding it ever again. My weight today is 203.2 lbs and since Feb 20, I have lost 22.8 lbs. However, to put my earlier lack of motivation into perspective for you, since I began this blog last year, I have lost a total of 26.8 lbs - meaning the bulk of my weight loss has come only in the last 2 1/2 months. 

Denial - it ain't just a river in Egypt, people. And I sure as hell has some serious issues with it by looking at those numbers.

It would appear that for a good 9 1/2 months, I talked about, blogged about and pretended to try to lose weight. I boo-hooed when I drank my face off and ate cake and enchiladas and didn't see the scale budge. Seriously - what was I smoking? What did I think was going to make the scale move? The hand of God?

My friend Sheryl was the only one that ever called me on my shit regarding the blog. She told me I was writing all this smack about attempting to lose weight but in reality all I was doing was making a whole lot of pathetic excuses as to why it wasn't happening. I'll admit - that stung a bit. But, she was absolutely right. Despite wanting to perhaps hear someone tell me it was Ok to eat crap and I should learn to love the skin I was in  - that's not what I needed. I needed a frank talking to from someone who had my best interests at heart,  and that came from Sheryl. After all, Josh loved me no matter what and he wasn't going to tell me something he knew might upset me. Plus, if I was unhealthy, that gave him free license to be unhealthy too. I was hurting us both. I recall thinking, why can't I just be happy with the fact that we are two foodies in love and and let this obsession with my thunder thighs go? (Never mind the fact I was so uncomfortable I couldn't breathe). However, Sheryl knew me better than that. I remember my initial "well, fuck you, too" attitude after she wrote me an e-mail about her concerns but then realized the only reason I was pissed off was because everything she said was (gasp!) true. 

Josh eventually recognized it too. I think I must have complained a lot, and was miserable a lot because come February as the scale creeped back up to 228, and the evil repercussions of Christmas indulgence lingered into the new year, I was probably not a very fun person to be living with at that moment in time. 

Enter Josh's  Weight Watchers suggestion and instead of cutting it down like I had done every time Sheryl mentioned it previously, I thought, "Ok - Why the hell not?" And so, here I am - 5 months away from donning the Great White and already almost 23 pounds down. If I keep it up at this pace, I can be another 40 lbs thinner by the time I say "I do!"

While it may be short of my 90 lb loss goal that I set last year, I will be beyond happy if I get within 30 pounds of it. Because in the end, I have done it not only for the wedding, but this time, I have truly done it for myself so that I can lead a long, happy & healthy life with the man that I love. And really? Isn't that motivation enough?

Jealousy makes you do strange things.....

Have you ever physically done something that you thought your body was completely incapable of doing?

I have - both at the beach last weekend and then again today during my morning walk. This thing felt oddly pleasing, yet left me quite breathless.

No, my dear friends, this thing does not involve a page of the Kama Sutra, so you can remove your minds from the dirty gutters in which they reside. This activity, in fact, has nothing to do with getting it on.....but more to do with getting it off.

The weight, that is. 

So.... after all this hemming and hawing, what did I do that's so amazing, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. (drumroll please....)

I ran. That's right......R-A-N. Ran.

While this may not seem like such a big deal to most people, it's HUGE for me because of one simple reason: I never thought I could do it.

Fat people don't run. It's just a fact. And at 206.6 lbs, let's face it - I am still fat. It's OK to say it. I'm not in denial - there is still a long, long way to go.....

Make no mistake - I didn't run very far. And it not only sucked the wind right out of me but it also just plain old sucked.  And I probably looked like a whale hopping on dry land while doing it, but the reality is, I put this chubby little body into jogging gear and I did it!

What is truly inspiring is that this spurn of new activity comes on the tail end of a pretty shitty week for me. It's the last week of the semester and I had a few major projects due and a test to study for that had me hitting the peanut butter jar pretty hard. (Jif is the new Grey Goose, no????). And I am PMSing. Hard.

Despite having these things to fall back on and excuse any bad behavior, I'll admit I went a little overboard. Sadly, I am paying the most valuable price, which is the slowing down of my weight loss. You see, it wasn't just the peanut butter. On top of that, I may as well confess that I threw more than a few chocolate chips on top of those heaping spoonfulls of creamy Jif, and in doing so, literally had to cover my mouth to stifle squealing with orgasmic delight as the chocolate and peanut butter flavors collided with each other on my tongue, and then continued to party like it was 1999, right there on my taste buds! Hell yes, it was that good. And let's face it, I have been missing chocolate like nobody's business and the anticipated arrival of Aunt Flo made me feel like I needed a fix.

Oh, but the shame. 

I certainly couldn't let Josh (aka, the Diet Nazi) know I was shoving my mouth full of Jimmy Carter's finest and Nestle morsels because seriously, the guy hasn't eaten one bad thing since February 20. It makes me both extremely proud of him yet pisses me off at the same time. I truly admire his steel force willpower but it has caused me  to be disappointed in myself because, my stinking willpower? Has apparently taken a freaking holiday.

Can I blame it on my hormones, at least? The way I felt this past week it's a wonder I didn't completely nose dive right off the wagon. I was one PMS episode away from ordering up a large pepperoni and sausage pizza and washing it down with a pitcher of margaritas, but thankfully I think I have reached a place in this lifestyle change that has caused me to cheat in much smaller ways. The scarfing down of the peanut butter and chocolate wasn't great, but it wasn't as evil as say, devouring an entire pizza. And the caloric content of just one margarita alone? It's like a full meal in a glass, so I know to stay away from those. Hey - I'll consider that progress.

So back to the running issue. This is actually something I have been toying with in my head for years now - ever since I heard about the Cool Running website ( http://www.coolrunning.com/index.shtml ) and their Couch to 5K running program, I have had visions of myself (100 lbs thinner, of course) running in a cute matching set sports bra and tight shorts along a beach somewhere. So many ex-fatties-turn-runners give major props to Cool Running and credit their Couch to 5K program with getting them in shape. I can't tell you how many times I have visited this site. I have probably single handedly contributed to acres of rain forest being lost due to my constant printing out of the steps to the program. And yet, I never got off my fat ass to do it. Sorry trees.

In my defense, those other times were during my former life as a commuter and so the reality of me running was only going to happen if I tethered myself to the side of the Beiber bus and ran alongside of it on Route 78 each morning and evening. I barely saw daylight hours as it was, and on the weekends when exercise could have been in the cards, I was too busy catching up on laundry and getting my drink on. Hello? Priorities, people!

But times are much different now, and even with the stress of school and the time that it takes to do my work, along with planning the wedding, I do indeed have time to exercise. When lack of time was a factor, I found it was very easy to excuse away my fat and pretend that it wasn't my fault. Now? With blood results showing no insulin resistance problem and no job to suck every last minute of my day away from me, what do I have left to hide behind? Nothing, that's what. Not a freaking thing. Sucks to be me.

Or does it?

But again, I digress.....back to jogging and why one day, I will be in that sports bra and short set, dammit! 

I made the mistake of mentioning in passing the Couch to 5K program to Josh. I have been with the man over 2 years now so I should know better than to say something and not expect him to jump on it full force. In his mind, by me mentioning the Couch to 5K program, that meant I was actually going to get my ass off the couch and attempt to run a 5K. If 5K stood for 5 Kit Kats and the goal was to get off the couch and eat them, I'd have no problem meeting that goal. However running 3.1 miles was another story.

In my mind, I was just going to think about the program a little while longer and maybe talk about it some more, and then, in the end, probably never really do it. This is not the way Josh functions.

No - instead Josh started running. And not bullshit runs, like the one I did today - these are real, honest to goodness runs. Over the course of 3 weeks he has built up to running 4 miles (no breaks!) and has signed up for his first 5K next weekend in Bethany Beach. Um - shit????!!!!!

He even bought the Nike sneakers that sync up with his iPhone and has software to track his progress and speed and distance and all of that runner-y stuff I am not cool enough to talk about yet. In other words, he is making me look like total lazy fat ass. His near 60 lb loss is making my 19.4 lbs loss look downright pathetic. In the last week, he has dropped about 7 lbs. Yeah - I said 7. 

I'm not saying running is a magic weight loss pill, but fuck me if he didn't drop the last 12 or so pounds in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I want that. My green eyed monster is starting to emerge. And that bitch wants to run.

Which brings me to today. We walk around the town square in the morning, doing anywhere from 8-12 laps. The square itself is roughly 1/3 mile per 1 lap. I have decided to start slow and build myself up to a more gradual increase. I know my body well enough to realize I do not have Josh's Bionic Man type stamina. I walked 3 of the 4 sides and ran the 4th side of the square. I first fully walked 2 laps entirely to warm up and then the last 6 laps, did the 3 side walk, 1 side run rotation. I will do this for a week then try walking 1 side, running 1 side for 8 laps and work my way up from there. 

Now... if only I could figure out what to do with my boobs?

Beacause running with Double D's? Not so much fun. Unless of course, you are the perverted guy standing on the corner watching me. I imagine it's a little like Baywatch, but Belvidere-style. And you know what? It ain't pretty.

It's 6 months to your wedding - Do you know where your clone is?

It's another day where I am finding it hard to get motivated to do my school work. I have a lot of it to do. It's staring me in the face. I know it needs to get done....so what the heck is my problem?

I'm going to blame today's distraction on TheKnot.com. 

I'm convinced it is their goal to make future brides shit their pants on a monthly basis.

Case in point - The other day I received my reminder from them that we had hit the 6 month to wedding mark!!! - and basically with that comes an e-mail detailing a laundry list no shorter than the length of the Great Wall of China of "stuff that's gotta get done NOW".  They arrange it month by month in a format that is supposed to make you feel calm, organized and in control - but in reality makes you feel as if the world is going to cave in if you fall behind on even one "to do" in their carefully laid out plan. Perhaps my trouble started when I thought I could DIY the whole damn wedding and get it all coordinated with out the benefit of, well, a coordinator. I think I have somehow forgotten that I am an integral part of this wedding day, in that I am one of the two people getting married, THEREFORE, not having the time to set up all of my lovely decoration stuff the day of the wedding. 

Hmmmm....dilemma.

TheKnot.com tells me that this month we were supposed to already have our invitation wording figured out so the invitations could be ordered this month. I gave Josh the assignment to work on the honeymoon plans and the invitation wording, and I will say he's been doing a good job on both. But his latest intro to the invite reads "High Tide and High Times." 

Mmmm, ok yes - while to most people that may sound festive, with the beach wedding and all - with my extended family, that's just an crystal clear invitation to come to the wedding completely stoned.....

Needless to say, I think a bit of word revision is in order.

I am freaking out because I actually had a bad dream a few months ago that I had forgotten to mail out our invites, so basically no one showed up to our wedding. Knowing me, this could very much become a reality if I don't get my shit together. And FAST.

As for the weight loss....we are trucking along at a decent pace. That has not been put on the back burner. We may have no invitations, or people showing up but at least we'll be thin!

Josh is down to 259 lbs....AMAZING!!!! 43 pounds - gone - literally in what seems like the blink of an eye. I think it's safe to say that Josh could do for Boca Burgers what Jarred Fogel did for Subway. Seriously - the guy is living on these things right now.

As for me? I'm more the "turtle" than the "hare" right now, with a modest 17.25 lb loss.....Today's weight - 208.75!!!!

I am only 5 1/2 lbs from my 10% goal so, I won't downplay it too much -  I am very excited! I'd like to reach that in the next 2 - 3 weeks if possible. It blows my mind that this is all actually working out and I think by the wedding, I will hopefully have met my goal of 40 lbs. After the wedding, I can work on the next 40!

Fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed!

Sometimes I get so distra.....uh... what was I saying?

I'm horribly distracted....

I have a million and one things I need to be doing.....I'm starting to get a bit panicky.

The list keeps growing and I'm being buried alive under a pile of virtual to dos that include projects related to the wedding, school, moving, house, beach and whatever else is swimming around in my head these days. I have a SHIT TON to do. Unfortunately, blogging isn't high on the priority list right now. Oddly enough, here I am. Hello avoidance, I've been expecting you.

School is the main focus (a-hem, correction -  should be the main focus) right now. There's quite a few projects, their due dates looming in the dangerously near future, that I just can't seem to sit down and finish. It's irritating and frustrating but I seem to have lost all focus and it's a bitch trying to find it again.

This is no doubt my self diagnosed adult ADD kicking in - I start one thing with complete gusto then about half way through go onto something else and have zero desire to finish the other project I've started....

If that doesn't reek of a dysfunctional disorder of some sort, I don't know what does.

I realize I'll be cursing myself next week if I don't get at least part way through the list (between today and tomorrow), but I suspect that's just par for the course. Bust out the Cuss Jar, people - I've got cash money!

Josh and I are (yey!!) beach bound this weekend so that also severely cuts into my school work time, although let's face it, with 74 degree weather approaching, I doubt I'd get much done here anyway. Spring has definitely sprung and I am eager to end this semester and bust a move on some wedding projects I have been putting off. Today the goal is to finish the save the dates for my cousins and get them in the mail.

Wish me luck.

On the surface, that project may seem relatively undaunting. However it requires a trip to Staples which requires me to shower, which requires me to work out first ....so you can see how this is all going to go down today, can't you?

The good news is, I've already walked my 4 plus miles this morning, so I suppose if I moved the Total Gym and Bose Ball workout to later it wouldn't kill me. The problem is that if I wait - I know it won't get done. I'm getting comfortable with getting up to tackle the morning walks without bitching up a storm and throwing a hissy fit (it's only taken me about 6 weeks to feel this way - poor, poor Josh) but the other work outs have not become as "habit-y" as the walks, and I can sort of take them or leave them, depending on my mood. More often than not, I choose to leave them. And that's when I see Josh working out....and then I feel horribly guilty.....so then I (begrudgingly) work out. That man is evil......and, let's face it, one smart cookie. He knows the guilt thing is his secret weapon and he is not afraid to use it. This is why I sometimes hide up in my office on days when he's home. :-) Hear no Evil Workout...See No Evil Workout.... Do No Evil Workout. Ya dig?

The weird thing is I honestly have barely worked out the last 3 days but I am down to 211.75 today.....so the scale keeps moving down which means I have apparently awoken the sluggish beast, aka, my metabolism and now have it working, even if I'm not.

It's a tough pill to swallow (and a hell of a lot less tasty that chocolate cake), but I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea that exercise is really good for me and that once I get into it, it will become second nature. I can't discount the fact I am sticking to this and am seeing my hard work pay off. It makes me proud, and yes, it helps keep me on track.

Now if only I could say the same of my home work......

I smell grills....they're multiplyin'...and I'm losin' control....

It's another fabulous Monday morning -  dreary and coldish with a constant threat of rain. In other words, if I was a duck, (much like the ones that set up residence in my neighbor's front yard across the street), I'd be diggin' it. 

Last I checked, no webbed feet here - but one thing is for sure - I am in desperate need of a pedicure. 

Tomorrow's forecast is more of the same, but 10 degrees cooler. Dragging my ass to class tomorrow evening should be interesting. I don't know why, but I always feel like when the weather is bad, we should be able to stay home. Yes, I'm 38 years old but that doesn't mean I have stopped looking for a reason to skip class.

The good news is, the weekend's forecast is calling for sunny and warm weather, which is a good thing since Josh and I will be at the beach making some oh so important (gag) floral decisions and hopefully meeting with our crazy cake lady (who still has yet to deposit my $100 check, despite her receiving it in January). If possible, Josh and I also want to get our freebie beach portrait done with the dogs, compliments of Josh's dad who won a gift certificate for a session last year and passed it along to us. I'd love to be a little thinner for this photo shoot but you know what, you can't have everything?

Overall, I have been doing quite well on this WW "journey" - down to 213.25 lb today, even with the onslaught of my hellacious period (here for the freaking SECOND time this month, thank you!) so I at least know that even the Slim a Bear Klondikes I have been eating with utter delight on a nightly basis aren't keeping me from weight loss.

That, ladies and gentleman, is what you call encouragement!

Josh has been dubbed the Weight Watchers Nazi - although he's really not following the WW plan as they would recommend. Meaning he eats significantly less points than I do per day (my allotment is 25) and his exercise habits are on par with a contestant on the Biggest Loser right before a weigh in. For instance, yesterday while I whined and complained of cramps and begged and pleaded to not have to go on our morning walk, he simply kissed me on cheek, said "See ya later" and proceeded to walk 9 miles with the dogs, sans Ro Ro. He does it without me....without complaint, without prodding......

9 freaking miles - without an iPod, mind you. Who does that????

The man who has lost over 32 pounds in 5 weeks, that's who. It is quite remarkable actually.

I'm beyond proud of him but I do wish he'd relax a little when it comes to food. I mean, how much vinegar can one person consume?

Unfortunately, I think he is getting zero enjoyment out of this diet. And while I get that the concepts of dieting and fun don't normally go hand in hand, I do think giving yourself a break every now and again and having a 3 point Klondike bar makes this whole process a little more like living real life.......and it keeps a person sane. He has charts and tallies and all of this stuff that monitors his exercise compared to his weight loss and it's really impressive but I also think its making him a bit neurotic. I'm watching closely for signs of Manorexia.....

The thing I have learned about him in the past 2 years is that he is an all or nothing type of guy.....he can't slip even a little because then he feels like it's all over. I just worry that when he starts to eat normally again, he won't be able to control himself and bad habits will creep back in. I truly feel that by doing it my way (and having the occasional treat), I am getting a grip on my eating, understanding portions and not falling victim to feeling the need to put CHEESE on everything (sadly, salt is another story). Also? I've discovered that life truly does go on without cream cheese and bagels and fried calamari (just a few things I am missing...hard - can you tell?).

One of the big challenges Josh and I have had to overcome has been happening regularly on our nightly walks around the town square.  Make no mistake - it's apparently grilling season in town and the smell of searing meat wafting from people's back yards, hitting full blast into our nostrils is enough to get both of us drooling like a pack of Pavlov's dogs. We normally do a 10 lap walk so imagine what two humans plus 3 actual canines all dripping with saliva look like as we walk past the offending griller's house. TEN TIMES. It's really uncool. 

Ok - go ahead and add beef to the list of things which I am missing hard at the moment.

But, one can't argue with success. Even though I had a small gain last week, I plugged on through. There is a sort of calmness about me during this weight loss attempt that I don't recall experiencing before. Perhaps it's due to finally seeing some results. And I don't just mean on the scale. Before I started this, my knees were begging for mercy and threatening to call it quits. Not anymore - now they feel strong and no longer hurt when I walk - whether it be up the stairs or 5 miles around town. 

In 5 weeks, I've lost a tad over 5% of my body weight, and feel like I am finally seeing glimpses of a healthier me. Now that is something to celebrate. :-)