Wipe the drool off your chin and just walk away.....

Staring out the window at a grey, rain-filled sky has become such the norm lately, I am often surprised when I see anything else through the glass. For all the gloominess and precipitation we've had here over the past month or so, I may as well be living in Seattle. No surprises today, though - it's raining (!) and is forecasted to do so all day, adding in severe lighting and thunder just to spice things up a bit. How happy am I that I have an hour's drive to class this evening?!
The sky right now is quite ominous looking and the wind is picking up so I don't doubt that in a minute or two I will be running for all of the open windows, slamming them shut as the heavens unleash the next round of flood waters. I am SO sick of this weather. I'm pretty sure I have mentioned this in ALL of my recent posts...
Where is spring? Where is the sun????? I need the sun to help lift my spirits. This thing with my Gram is really difficult to deal with and accept. She is in rehab now at what is considered a very nice facility (many of them are scary and depressing looking). They also have an assisted living facility that (fingers crossed) she may be able to go into but we really won't know what all of our options are until after we have a family meeting with her case worker on Wednesday of next week. I went with my mom to a few places yesterday and I nearly wanted to cry. People in wheel chairs staring into space, their faces slack-jawed and vacant. That is not my Gram. She is still very much "with it" and has not lost her sense of humor. With the exception of blurry eyesight, some hearing loss, and slight unsteadiness on her feet, she is in far better shape than many of the people I saw yesterday. And these people are no where near her incredible 96 years of age.
So, not surprisingly, I have been a little depressed, and a little stressed and all of this combined makes me want to do the thing I do best, which is grab the nearest piece of cake or pie and have my way with it.
Yesterday was especially tough and all throughout the day, I felt myself breaking down, that will to be "good" diminishing with every passing hour. Thankfully, the voice of reason made an appearance and won over. Even when, at 4:15, I arrived at Wegmans completely and utterly FAMISHED (all I had to eat all day was a banana) and found the following waiting for me upon my entry to the store:

• FOUR shopping carts filled with discounted Easter candy. And not just any Easter candy - I'm talking 100% drool-inducing Zitner's Buttercream Eggs. In big egg and little egg varieties. Oh, hell YES. 

After I said a few silent "holy shits," I approached one of the carts slowly and gently picked up the large box housing a single beautiful chocolate covered egg. What I did next I can guarantee you that the other individuals hoarded around this cart did not do. Knowing full well this act would probably put the kibosh on any car ride home Easter candy consumption, I still turned over the box to look at the nutritional information. And I am happy that I did, because even though I of course KNOW those eggs are from straight from the devil's candy making factory, I'm not sure I realized the full extent of JUST how evil they actually are.  You would have thought the box was covered in poop stank the way I threw it back in the cart, snorting my disgust, and then again silently giving myself a big "atta girl" for walking way from such a tempting mountain of Makemefeelbetterbutonlytemporarily food.
But the candy carts were the least of my worries. It's not a joke when they tell you never to go to a grocery store hungry.
To whomever initially figured out that bit of well intended advice and passed it along, I have one thing to say - Brava! It is sooooo damn true. Every aisle, every corner, every rack, shelf or kisosk called my name. I was conjuring recipes in my head with every turn of my cart. But the real challenge presented itself when I called Josh to ask him if I should buy some dessert. Seriously????? Yes, I did. It's not like I was calling to ask his permission if I could buy something - but I wanted him to give me the green light to eat something bad because my internal Food Chaperon was yelling at me not to and I wanted to tell her to fuck off because my husband said it was OK to buy something bad and, after all, I respect his opinion. One thing I know about my husband is that he will support me in anything I do. He will give me anything I need. He is a nurturer and wants nothing more than to see me happy. I knew he'd say, "Sure - go ahead!" But instead he asked me: "Well, do you want dessert?"
Ugh - what kind of question is that?
This was especially annoying because I just so happened to be standing in front of a Wegmans peanut butter pie. It was practically jumping into my cart all on it's own, it was as sure as I was that Josh was going to say yes.
I had to do some quick thinking. If I let the depressed, sad, stressed and hormonal Rochelle answer, I knew the answer to his question would be a resounding "Is the pope Catholic????!!!!!" That peanut butter pie would have been nestled, all snug in my cart in two seconds flat.
However, if I let the rational, reasoning, dieting Rochelle answer, who was trying desperately to hang onto whatever thread of will power there was left, I knew the answer would be "No, no - absolutely not".....Ok, I'm exaggerating - it probably would have more like a "Um, I guess not."
So instead I just said, "How about if I surprise you?" because that seemed like a good way to get out of having to make a snap decision.
In the end, I chose 100 calorie Fudgesicles and left the store with a sense of satisfaction. My cramps and hormones wouldn't allow me to leave without some form of chocolate, so I felt this was an acceptable compromise. Portion control on a stick....and no caloric apocalypse. Yey me.
I'm taking these small "victories" to heart. I am trying to keep my liquid intake up and calories down. I am trying to eat mindfully as much as possible. Do I always succeed? No. Will I get there? Yes.
I just want to get through the next week which will mark the end of another semester and getting that much closer to a new career. And hopefully some decisions will be ironed out as far as my Gram is concerned. Each day brings challenges but hey, that's life. I better get used to it.

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.
~Doug Firebaugh

Break down in order to break through?

I had a good cry today...

Many of the tears shed were for my 96 year old grandmother who is back in the hospital for the second time in less than 2 months and is facing the real possibility of being put into a home after so many years of living independently. It is a hard decision for my mom to make and it is killing my family - but worst of all, I feel it will kill my grandmother, literally. She has always been very proud of the fact that she has lived on her own and for the most part has been relatively self-sufficient in that she still cooks for herself, is able to get around with only the occasional use of a cane and still seems to have all of "her faculties"  - a term she uses to refer to still having her wits about her. She is an inspiration to us all and to see this happening to her is devastating for my family. I wish there was something I could do  - I feel completely helpless and I know my mom does too. But sadly, my mother cannot take care of her. She tried this after the last bout in the hospital and discovered just how difficult it was. Not to mention she already has two "man-children" (my dad and brother) living at home that she caters to (this is a whole other story) and she herself is in desperate need of knee replacement surgery so it's hard enough for her to get around without the extra responsibility and challenges of having to care for a 96-year old.

My husband is a saint and I don't know what I would do without him. He is the voice of reason in this relationship. Where as I can't seem to turn off my emotions, he approaches these tough life obstacles with logic and realism.  He is willing to take my grandmother in. He is willing to give up his beloved living room space (which doubles as his office) for the sake of grandmother. He comes up with solutions that shows just how much he cares. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I won't know more until I talk to my mom later today. She has a meeting with someone from Medicare to explain to her the process of getting my grandmother situated in a home, but I want to talk to my mom about some other options. We do have a guest bedroom here...might we really be able to keep her here with us? I don't know....All I do know is that the thought of her being put into some facility is beyond depressing. I do not think she would last long if it truly comes to this.

And in coming to this realization, I cried for her -  for what this hospitalization means this time around and for her loss of independence. I am so truly sad for her.

In times like these, it is wonderful to have the support of those that are closest to you. I called Sheryl at 7:20 this morning to share my sad news, and to talk. And yes, to cry. She knows my Gram from way back when we were teenagers.  I talked, she listened. I cried.

Somewhere in the course of the conversation, the subject switched from my Gram to me. I suppose I really needed to vent. However, as of late the only thing I really feel the need to vent about is my weight. It was at that point when I realized that some of my tears were for me, too.

Maybe it's odd, but I'm not one of those people that cry very often about being fat. Of course there are times that I have, but it isn't frequent - maybe because I have just accepted being fat as a part of who I am. And who cries over "who they are"? However, I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Not just thinking....but true soul searching. It's probably the reason I have been a little depressed these past few weeks because when you start to ask yourself the hard questions, you often get answers that do not come easily, but when they do, they are quite often pretty raw and more than a tad unkind. At least that is the case for me -  when I finally get truly, whole-heartedly and unapologetically honest with myself. And when the brutal honesty comes, the emotions come with it. And talking about all of this today with Sheryl was emotional - in every way. Hence, the bawl-fest.

The truth is, I am tired. So very fucking tired of looking and feeling this way. But again, I found myself asking about the concept of hitting that "rock bottom" - wondering if anyone - ANYONE - could answer when that "click", that slap in the face, that "a-ha moment," was going to happen to me. I have been reading as many weight-loss blogs as I can lately, trying to find those posts where the writer tells their story about that moment when they just knew this was it - it was their time to succeed. Sometimes it's a picture, sometimes it's a comment either from family or even a perfect stranger, sometimes it's just a slow and steady process that takes years of making small changes until one day - BAM - they are 100 lbs lighter. As I said to Sheryl this morning, I feel like I have had a hundred of those "moments." I look at my wedding pictures, that double chin staring back at me in soooooo many pictures - and I am angry. Angry that my "click" didn't happen before the wedding photographers click, if you get my drift.

What exactly will it take?

Sheryl advised that everyone's "a-ha"moment is different and that I shouldn't compare myself to others. Sometimes it's physical, and sometime it's metaphysical. Franky, I really don't give a shit which way mine decides to materialize - I just want it to happen - and SOON.

I have to admit, my chat with Sheryl made me feel much better. It's amazing what another person's words of comfort and a different perspective can do for one's mood. Before I spoke with her, I was way way down in the dumps. I even opted out of my morning walk with Josh because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. This is not me. Thankfully, I didn't listen to my inner demons -  I ended up getting up at 6:50 anyway because had I not at that moment, I might still be hiding out under the covers.....

It is oddly comforting being talked down from the ledge - from a friend who gets you and your problem. I definitely have that in Sheryl and I am very thankful for it. She gave me some good encouragement and advice and once again, I am trying to refocus my thoughts, my self, my way of thinking about food, and what getting control is all about. Because right now? I feel very much out of control. Not in a crazy out of control "I am going to binge at every fast food restaurant I can find" type of way (something I have never done, thankfully) - but I just feel like no matter what I do, I am not doing enough. And that's probably because deep down, I know I'm not.

But, like a good friend who wants to see her friend succeed, Sheryl gave me some challenges to  tackle this week. I have to check in with her in a few days with a progress report.  

Challenge #1 -  Drink HMR shakes at least 3 days in a row as a meal (Got this covered today - Vanilla Peach - not bad).

Challenge #2 - Keep up the water consumption to at least 64 oz a day (I recently bought a big 32 oz sports water bottle and yesterday was my first day to consume nearly 90 oz of water. Yes, I am peeing every 5 minutes but apparently, this is supposed to be a good thing). 

Challenge #3 -  Try to burn at least 300 calories through exercise daily. (By far, this will be my toughest challenge. I'm definitely thinking there has got to be sloth DNA somewhere in my gene pool).

So those are the challenges for this week....

I will let you know my progress....

I can do this.

I will do this.

"Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live."
 ~ Jim Rohn

Blame it on the rain...

Big surprise - it's raining again.
And the forecast for the next 10 days is completely disgusting. Rain, rain and more rain. Seriously Mother Nature? Enough already. My backyard is turning into a small pond.

If warm weather and sunny days don't get here soon, I am going to invest in one of those Vitamin D lamps people use when they have seasonal depression. This is just ridiculous.

It's a good thing then, I guess, that Josh and I got out for our morning 3-miler relatively early. There were a few rain drops here and there as we plodded along but now it's more of a steady drizzle and by later tonight and tomorrow we are supposed to have some severe thunderstorms and rain all day, so I think it's safe to say there will be no outside activity for the next day or two. And the following 6 or so days after that don't look very promising either.

On one hand, it makes doing homework less annoying (sort of) because I don't feel like I am missing out on sun and warmth and fresh air when I can't be outside, and am instead chained to my lap top. But it has been a long winter filled with many days in front of the computer screen and frankly, I'm freaking sick of it.

Of course I could be working out indoors with any one of our various exercise machines or various other work-out equipment....You name it, we have it. Recumbent bike - check! Treadmill - check! Elliptical Machine - check! Hand weights - check! Resistance bands - check! Workout DVDs - check! And in the attic we are additionally housing an Ab Roller, a Total Gym (although it is the first version of such and is made of metal and rather archaic), a rowing machine and Lord knows what else. Oh - an my yoga mat? That's still up there somewhere, too...

So, rain or no rain, I have absolutely no excuse not to be burning calories (other than arthritic knees that are hating the damp weather).

Yet...here I sit.

But, not for long, I promise. I just finished making a big vat of chili and in the process, also got to the bottom of my seemingly endless smoothie. (Big winner today - vanilla and strawberry! My favorite so far. I think what I love the most about these things is that I get in 2-3 servings of fruit in one shake and it doesn't even feel like it). So now I have until about 2:00 until I have to get ready for class. Time to work that ass.

I mentioned in one of my recent posts that I realize I am not pushing myself - and that is true. I still don't know that this time around in the quest to lose weight that I have fully wrapped my head around DOING IT - despite my written words trying to convince myself that I have it all figured out and I'm all, "I am Woman - Hear Me Roar!" Not really "feeling it" is an emotion that scares me and makes me feel that I am not in it to win it - and I know from past experience that this mind set leads to total failure. Not that I have to be all or nothing (my usual mojo) but I have to at least BELIEVE that I am going to try my very best to get healthy. Right now I just feel kind of lazy and I hate it. I spend my time doing other stupid things (have you played Text Twist??? It's addictive) instead of working out. This is not a recipe for weight loss, my friends - it is a fucking concoction for disaster.

I wish I knew what the breaking point has to be - I mean I have so many reasons why I need to lose weight - and why I want to lose it. But I also know that you have to be in a proper frame of mind that makes you believe in yourself 110% and above all else you are determined to be successful. You have to feel the power, desire and burning passion to get in shape. It has to be a commitment - not an on again, off again relationship. In other words, this is not something to be approached half-assed. I'd love to blame it on the rain (as would Milli Vanilli, no doubt), however, I think this lethargy stems from something much deeper and it worries me terribly. I know taking baby steps is OK.....but baby steps isn't going to make the scale move the way I want it to - so I need to do something more.

Yes, a 3 mile walk is good - but I need to move past that. Find something I really enjoy that is fun and doesn't feel like a chore......or kill my knees. If only chewing burned calories the way jogging does - would any of of us be in this situation? Anyway, sitting here writing about it isn't doing me any favors either so I may as well get up and get moving....at least that is a step in the right direction.

"Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything."

~Napoleon Hill~

Listening to my inner skinny bitch

How is it that it's Friday already? I swear, time is flying by at lightning speed and before I know it this semester will be over, I will be submerged in summer classes (boo hiss), and I will be anticipating my first trip to the Delaware beaches to stick my toes in the sand....in other words, it's fast approaching SWIM SUIT SEASON (insert blood-curdling scream of horror and shower scene music from Psycho here).

Every single stinking year around the end of April, beginning of May, every cell in my body seems to have heightened sensitivity. I start to think about the summer and all the things I love about the weather turning warmer. And then as soon as the warm and happy thoughts begin to fade I think about the fact that summer also means I will be donning a bathing suit and all of those summery feelings of happy happy joy joy turn into panicky feelings of "Oh shit" and "WTF" and "Lord have mercy"....Trust me when I say that no matter how much energy and sweat I invest into panicking, it does nothing to make my fat and cellulite disappear.

It's April 15 and the reality is that I am 231 pounds and no amount of freaking out is going to save me from this situation. The past is the past and I don't have the power to go back in time and do anything about the pizza, the ice cream, the pie or any other over indulgence I have participated in over the last 6 months. But I do have the ability to control my future. I am banking on success, knowing I possess this ability.

I had a good chat with my friend Val yesterday. We are very close, and try to talk as often as our busy lives allow and she reads this blog regularly. So, despite her living 3/4 of the way across the country in Colorado, she is fully aware of my plight - even if she doesn't get to "see" all of my physical ups and downs on the scale. One of the things she said to me yesterday kind of hit home. She told me that I tend to approach my weight loss as an all or nothing type situation and that I should maybe start to congratulate myself on the little successes instead of berating myself when I don't see the kinds of results I expect to. And she may be right. On some level, anyway. I tend to forget that weight loss is not an overnight thing and that often times, it can take people YEARS to make the changes necessary to see results. Those who can't bear the thought of their lives changing so drastically overnight sometimes do it in steps - for instance setting a goal to just exercise for 30 minutes a day, even if it's just a walk. They don't even concern themselves with the eating part right away - they just focus on incorporating exercise into their daily routine and once they have mastered that, then they can move on to the next step. This process takes time. It sure as shit does not take a morbidly obese person and turn them into a skinny mini overnight. When I read success stories (one of my favorite things to do - I can't wait until I have one of my own), I find myself getting disappointed when not everyone's story tells of a 100 lb loss occurring in 6 months. There are some folks who talk about losing 60 pounds over the course of 3 years. Somewhere in my warped thinking, I feel discouraged that it took them so long. Then I stop to think - well, shit, what have you lost in the past 3 years????

Because I have been buried under these layers of fat for so long, it is hard to play the waiting game. I have become incredibly impatient and I just want to break free. I want weight loss to be instantaneous and I want to see big results, like YESTERDAY. I know this way of thinking is just as unhealthy as the weight I carry and it sets me up for failure, disappointment and will frustrate me to the point of quitting if I don't shut it off. Fast.

What I need to make click is that I don't have to go all balls to the wall and think that that is the only way I am going to get this job done (and it is like a job - it takes hard work). Yes - I need to make changes - a lot of them - but maybe not hard core, all at once. Time to recognize when I achieve small goals, like reducing portions or getting my exercise in. Make that a habit and then work on adding to it. 

It's not a myth. I think every fat person has a thinner, healthier person inside of them that is screaming to get out. Sometimes the voice is whiny and can be quieted by a few cookies, a cone of ice cream or some other dose of poison. 

And then every now and again, that voice is so loud that you can't ignore it anymore and even when you try to feed it cake or booze or cheeseburgers to shut it up, it just gets louder. It starts to demand change. I'm at this point now. And the voice is not imaginary, you know. The voice can come from different places. It's not just in my head. My knees for example? They talk to me quite regularly.  They tell me just how unhappy they are that at age 39 I have allowed arthritis to invade them. My chest talks to me frequently when climbing stairs or walking uphill. It curses like a sailor and reminds me that if I don't change my ways this is only going to get worse.  My inner skinny bitch wants her day in the sun. She is so pissed that for the past 6 months I have ignored her and stuffed her down and suffocated her with whatever comfort food I could find. She wants to know why the fuck I am so resistant to having her emerge?

Good question.

Am I really afraid of something? What would losing weight mean to me? I have a loving husband, a comfortable home, and am on my way to changing my career. Life in that respect is just about as good as it gets. Physical status aside, I am in the best place in my life right now. Sure, I have anxiety about becoming a teacher - it is a huge step. But it doesn't have anything to do with my weight. This issue pre-dates this career change - by decades!

So, what is holding me back? I go to sleep and wake up with this question on my mind. And when i figure it out, I'll be sure to let you know.

Taking it one meal at a time...

Ah - sunshine!

What a wonderful sight after a few days of rain and gloom. I've mentioned before that nice weather is a total motivating factor for me to exercise, so this morning I put my money where my mouth is and headed out at 7 AM for a 3-mile walk with the hubs and the dogs. I then came home and did 4 1/2 miles on the recumbent bike. If I can find my yoga mat (which is buried up in the attic somewhere), I may try my hand at some moves I recently downloaded from Prevention. I feel unstoppable today!

I'm also on day 2 of my breakfast smoothie experiment. I really struggle with keeping my calories in check for breakfast. I usually wake up starving and have the mindset that only a carb-laden breakfast is going to quell that hunger. My first inclination is to reach for cereal (I truly think I am a crunch junkie). This might not be so bad if I chose a relatively low-calorie cereal. Which I don't. Or measured it for that matter. Again - something I don't do even though I know I should. However, since discovering the delightful deliciousness that is Raisin Bran Extra, it has become my go-to morning bowl of happiness (Is it sad that I can find joy in a bowl of bran flakes??). However, this is kind of a problem because as it turns out, that bowl of happiness? It's not what you'd call very calorie-friendly. And the "Extra" I have grown to love so much? Well, let's just say it probably stands for Extra Calories. Those cranberries and yogurt covered bits of granola aren't made of air, ya know.

The trouble is, that cereal keeps me full until lunch (and yes, I am willing to entertain the idea that this may be primarily because I have been eating the equivalent of 2 bowls). So, I am now on the quest to try different things  - with LESS calories of course - and figure out what keeps me satisfied the longest. I've developed a fondness for Chobani Vanilla Greek Yogurt with a tsp of honey and a 1/4 cup of Special K granola. It definitely keeps the calories under 300, which I think is good - but can I go even lower without feeling deprived? 

I just received a care package from one of my BFF's, who is a nurse with HMR (Health Management Resources). It was filled with samples of their meal replacement shakes, so I opted to give them a shot as a breakfast alternative. The shake alone is 170 calories (vanilla) or 120 (chocolate). You add water so there is no added calories there, but the thought of drinking this powdery stuff with only water as an accompaniment turns me off. I opted for adding a cup of frozen fruit which depending on what fruit I choose, is anywhere from 70 - 90 extra calories. All told, I'm in the 240 - 260 range which is great. I still have about 1,000 to play with throughout the day (although I know this calorie bank can be depleted quickly depending on my food choices for the rest of the day - Hello Cadbury Creme Egg - I'm talking to you).

Yesterday I had a vanilla shake with a cup of mixed berries and it was good....Not Raisin Bran Extra good - but passable for a breakfast option. Once I could get past the gagillion seeds that ended up sticking in my teeth, it was satisfying and the best part of all was that it took me FOREVER to finish it because it made a huge amount. Plus the fiber did keep me feeling full - but did not turn my body in to a repulsive methane-making machine. Win/Win!

Today I tried the chocolate and added a cup of frozen cherries (because what sounds better than a chocolate cherry shake for breakfast? Uh, just about anything, actually). But I digress...

This shake was, uh - OK. Meaning not my favorite and something I won't be having on a regular rotation. But I am sucking it down because, well, it's breakfast and I am committed to sticking with this - even if it tastes a little like ass. This is a learning process and not everything I do or try is guaranteed to be a success, right? The plus side (sort of) is that this shake is also taking me a long time to consume - although today it may be more taste-related than anything. But, the point is, the longer it takes me to finish - the fuller I will feel for a greater length of time, and that is the ultimate goal, is it not?

So maybe, just maybe I have found my breakfast solution. Now I just need to tackle lunch and dinner issues. 

Baby steps.....

The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.  ~Author Unknown 

Eat This, Not That...

Good God - will this rain just get the hell out of here already? Yesterday was so beautiful with temps in the 80's and a fantastic breeze. What a tease. Here we are less than 24 hours later and it's 51 degrees, raining, and gloomy as all get out.  I am starting to dislike the month of April as much as I do the month of March.....be it the promiser of May flowers or not. Pfffttt.

Good weather is as much a motivator for me than anything. But this? Today? Not so much. I don't have my husband's "get up and go" attitude that catapults him outside on the dreariest of days where he and the dogs come home soaking wet with muddy paws and feet. I am not down with drizzle. Never have been. Never will be.

So I am praying for sun...Mama needs some Vitamin D.

In other words - Mama needs to get her ass outside and MOVE IT.

Over the weekend 2 things happened that boosted my hopes into thinking I can do this weight loss thing, and one thing happened that made me feel like I am not sure if I can. The first was on Saturday morning when Josh and I took the dogs on a 2 1/2 mile walk. There was a 5K going on in town and I saw a girl that was much larger than me running the race. Granted she wasn't running fast, and she looked a little like she wanted one of us to maybe call 911, but the point was that she was doing it. I felt like a complete schmuck walking by and I thought to myself, hell - why am I not doing this? I know that I can - but why am I not pushing myself like this woman obviously is?

And I recently had a good long stare at myself in the mirror and have come to the not surprising conclusion that I most definitely am NOT pushing myself. This is a problem.

It's a humbling experience to put yourself out there in the public eye and run at 200+ pounds but this chick was DOING IT. I myself did it last summer. So, why not do it again?

And so the fire was lit under my ample ass......

The goal is to run my first 5K by the end of the summer.

There - I said it.

Now please hold me to it.

The second thing happened at Panera. Now I love me some Panera Bread but ever since they posted the caloric information on their menu, it is hard for me to eat there with the ignorant abandon I once did. On top of their blatant calorie show, they also now offer you options as to what you want with your meal - a slice of french baguette (oh so heavenly), chips (gives me a huge crunchgasm) or an apple (Oh, yeah - and that).

I often tend to go with the 1/2 sandwich, 1/2 salad combo - choosing the lowest calorie options of each. But when it comes to the side offering, I usually stutter and drool but end up going for the bread (yes, sadly even if I am having a sandwich that comes on, well - BREAD) or the bag of chips with it's crunchy, salty, greasy goodness (badness???). So, on this past Saturday when asked what I would like for my side, I immediately said, "Chips, please!" because let's face it - old salty, greasy habits die hard. But with a flash of guilt (and, I won't lie, the image of that large woman jogging in the 5K), I quickly corrected myself and asked instead for a nice crunchy apple....

I got a weird look from the cashier but I didn't give a shit. No need to explain to her my life long struggle of choosing good foods over bad ones. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I haven't always opted for the apple in the great fruit vs. chips debate.

But I felt good about my decision - and even though I didn't eat the apple with my lunch, I didn't get the chips...or the bread (and guaranteed if I had, I would have eaten them with lunch - no doubt about that).

However, on Sunday, my resolve must have taken a mini-vacation because I opted for a CHEESEBURGER for lunch from the corner deli. It's almost like I have two different brains. The one that wants so badly to be good and healthy and makes the right choices - and then there's the other one that tosses resolve into the shitter and says, fuck it - I want me some greasy red meat....with cheese. And I will have it.

It's like, where did that willpower from the previous day go? I really felt empowered after my Panera Bread experience - but no - in one moment, I blew to hell any good decision I had made the previous day, all for the sake of a big beef patty. But trust me, if guilt was not punishment enough, the heartburn finished the job. I think it's fair to say my gallbladder has been sending me some pretty powerful warning signs as of late and I best do my damndest to heed it's message.

So, I'm listening to my body and I am shutting off the brain that makes those bad decisions....

and my goal of doing the 5K will help me maintain my focus and keep my eye on the prize. 

It's all I can do.

Weighty Issues Exposed

It's another Friday morning - cloudy, dreary, and grey - just the type of weather that discourages me from wanting to put on my track pants and head outside. Seriously - where the hell is the nice spring weather? I'm waiting, Mr. Full Of Shit Groundhog. You may as well have seen your shadow for the type of weather we've been having lately.
Where is a day of 68 degrees and sunny when you need it?
But let's face it - if I am being honest it's more the pain in my knee that is really deterring me from heading outside this morning. It's not raining - it's just not sunny and sun is certainly not a requirement for going outside to exercise, is it? It's not that I can't walk, mind you - but more often than not, after I get home from a 2-miler with the hubs and the dogs, my knees feel like they have blown up to twice their size and the tightness and pain are real motivator-killers for any further hustle-my-ass-type movement throughout the day.
And today - I MUST clean this house. Top to bottom. It's spring cleaning day even if the stupid groundhog doesn't know it.
The true bitch of it is, is that I know I absolutely need to get my ass in motion. Staying stationary is not an option. Yet, when I do go the distance, I end up feeling like crap....it's a total catch 22.
Knowing the only way the pain will go away permanently is to endure it for a while in the beginning stages of this new attempt at losing weight isn't exactly encouraging ( apparently I have a low threshold for pain and although I am quite familiar with the old adage - no pain, no gain - I don't necessarily embrace it the way I probably should)....I need to find something that is going to alleviate my fabulous arthritis so that I feel better about walking....and I mean walking for weight loss - not a trip around the block.
A girl can only take so many Alleve before a bleeding stomach becomes the next big issue.....and Lord knows I don't need anything else to derail me.
In happier news....
I have found yet another inspiring blog called Fat Girl Dives In at http://fatgirldivesin.blogspot.com
This was discovered through the other new blog I have fallen in love with - Bigger Than My Body at http://cryswwjourney.blogspot.com
It is so amazing to read other people's posts and hear your own voice in what others write about their struggles to shed the pounds...there are so many similar themes - body pain, nothing to wear, fear of a class reunion, falling off the wagon, fighting cravings, disappointment in failure, joy in having even the smallest successes, surprises on the scale, serious self-reflection - and countless others.
I think in many ways, those of us who are on a weight loss journey - and especially those who choose to share their journey publicly - even if it is with a small circle of friends and family (and yes, blog families count ) - know ourselves in a way most people do not. By that, I mean we reflect on our lives - our choices, our mistakes, our triumphs, our feelings - every single day. We have to. And, maybe I am way off base here, but I am not sure that many people do this on a daily basis. As individuals on a weight loss journey, no matter how long the journey may be, we feel accountable for all of our actions because many of our actions throughout the day are associated with weight loss. We think in terms of whether or not what we did will help us lose weight or gain weight. Eating out, exercising, not exercising, hanging with friends and family, traveling, work stress, life - it all boils down to how much we eat, what we eat, how we eat (consciously, or unconsciously), when we eat - yadda, yadda, yadda. You know what I'm saying.
Seriously - what "normal sized" people do you know that do this?
I have a what seems like a million conversations with myself each day as I am getting dressed. What will look best? What is too tight? Can you see my back fat through this top? Remember when this was actually loose on you last year? Where the hell are my Spanx?
The day I no longer have to have an inner monologue about my wardrobe each day will be so freaking sweet. That in itself is reason enough to get this weight off as far as I'm concerned.
The thing is, I realize that this "self-evaluation" is going to be an ongoing thing - most likely for the rest of my life. I don't know that I can just drop it just as soon as the weight comes off.
And in a way - it's kind of good. It keeps me accountable, whether I'm good or bad. And trust me when I say - bad has been ruling out over good lately.
After all, I'm not staring at myself in the mirror each day wondering how the hell I got to be 230-some pounds. This is not some big mystery. It has a name. It's called Gluttony.
And I am breaking up with this bastard once and for all.
In the end, I know my life doesn't have to be ruled by my bad habits, so recommitting to embracing a healthier me has been a step in the right direction. So, despite the pain in my knees (and the dreary, grey sky), I am getting my ass outside today for a nice long walk. And maybe today can be a day to celebrate a small success instead of regretting a small failure.

Portion Distortion

Ah, yes....springtime. And for the first time in months, it actually FEELS like spring....birds are chirping, temps are above 50 degrees and April showers are sprinkling liberally down from the sky, allegedly in preparation of bringing those long sought-after May flowers. There's something else though that spring brings, in addition to a muddy backyard and the constant need for an umbrella. It brings panic....at least it does to this girl who has been doing nothing much, other than packing on the pounds all winter long.
It seems like year after year has gone by and here I sit with the same issues, same gripes, same disappointments. But at least last year I was on my way to doing something about it. If it hadn't been for the wedding, who knows where my weight would be....I see the damage I've done since October and it ain't pretty, that's for sure. And now all it's left me is with this pissed off feeling and nagging thoughts of "Why did you quit??? You were getting there!!! Why can't you ever follow through on anything you start???"
I know last week I was all about changing the 'tude - and I still am, but I have my moments where I think about the past and would give my eye teeth to be back to where I was last April - at about 208 pounds. It KILLS me that in the Chutes and Ladders game of weight loss, I feel like I am always landing on the slides that drop me back about 1,000 paces.
I took a survey on CalorieCounter.com today that revealed (ta-da!) that I am an an "Overeater". Well, no shit. I could have told them that. As a matter of fact, last night as Josh cooked and put together our dinner plates and mine matched his, portion for portion - I was thinking the very same thing. Rochelle - you CANNOT eat all of this food. You SHOULD NOT eat all of this food. But if you don't get it off your plate, right now, BEFORE you sit down to eat - you WILL eat it all.
And you know what? I did. And I felt fucking disgusting afterward.
The continuous nasty fried onion-laced meatloaf burps don't lie - it was waaaaaay too much food for a girl like me and I felt more like Jabba the Hut after I finished my meal than I have in a while. I am sure if my gallbladder could have bitch-slapped me, it would have.
But did that stop me from fantasizing (and I do mean fantasizing) about my Slim-A-Bear Klondike I knew I would have just as soon as I felt, um, "less full"???
Hell to the no.
Several things flash through my head today as I sit and write this (while eating the most sour apple I have ever come across - it's my penance for last night's suppertime sin). Firstly, I realized that I still don't have this mind over matter thing down and I am not sure when that part of it is going to click for me. Yes, I realize I keep talking about it and I sound like a stupid broken record, but the more I think about it (and realize that it has become a common theme in my blog), it makes sense that it's something that is very much holding me back from weight loss success. If I thought getting into the groove of exercise was hard, this may be harder. I think this "mind over matter" concept may prove to be the most difficult and I fear that if I can't wrap my little pea brain around that aspect of losing weight, the rest is going to be damn near impossible.
The problem is I try never to think about eating when I am eating. Isn't that asinine?
Even when I am eating for pleasure (which, hell, is pretty much always) I don't know how much "pleasure" I am truly getting out of it because I think the food just gets shoveled in without a whole lot of thought. Sure, I taste it but it seems like such a fleeting moment and then it's gone and I am looking for more...
I don't know what void I am trying to fill and it's one of those things that can drive a person nuts. If I could just get to the bottom of WHY I think I need so much food. I used to think it was all about finding a guy but now that I have Josh, I need to rule that excuse out.
So what the hell is it?
Why do I put the blinders on when I eat? I could have very easily taken off half the food on my plate last night and it would have been a perfectly respectable (and healthy dinner). Meatloaf, broccoli, carrots, and a sweet potato. Then came the homemade bread with herbed butter.....oh, and the carrots weren't exactly virgin either - they were soaked in a brown sugar and butter bath that would have made Paula Dean proud.
The thought of doing a Nutri-System type program doesn't appeal to me (Sheryl has been trying to get me to try her HMR stuff from her workplace) but I am beginning to think this isn't going to happen on my own. I am not afraid to ask for help, but I am so damn disgusted over the fact that I apparently refuse to help myself.
Every day I get up feeling like I am starting over - it's a new day and a clean slate. But, I have to wonder - Is it really considered "starting over" if you haven't even truly begun????
So, here I am again today - April 5, 2011 - back to the idea of calorie counting....1229 calories a day. It ain't much. But it's a start.

Today's weight: 232 lbs
Pounds left to lose: 102
Days on program: 1

Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right.
~Henry Ford