Good God - will this rain just get the hell out of here already? Yesterday was so beautiful with temps in the 80's and a fantastic breeze. What a tease. Here we are less than 24 hours later and it's 51 degrees, raining, and gloomy as all get out. I am starting to dislike the month of April as much as I do the month of March.....be it the promiser of May flowers or not. Pfffttt.
Good weather is as much a motivator for me than anything. But this? Today? Not so much. I don't have my husband's "get up and go" attitude that catapults him outside on the dreariest of days where he and the dogs come home soaking wet with muddy paws and feet. I am not down with drizzle. Never have been. Never will be.
So I am praying for sun...Mama needs some Vitamin D.
In other words - Mama needs to get her ass outside and MOVE IT.
Over the weekend 2 things happened that boosted my hopes into thinking I can do this weight loss thing, and one thing happened that made me feel like I am not sure if I can. The first was on Saturday morning when Josh and I took the dogs on a 2 1/2 mile walk. There was a 5K going on in town and I saw a girl that was much larger than me running the race. Granted she wasn't running fast, and she looked a little like she wanted one of us to maybe call 911, but the point was that she was doing it. I felt like a complete schmuck walking by and I thought to myself, hell - why am I not doing this? I know that I can - but why am I not pushing myself like this woman obviously is?
And I recently had a good long stare at myself in the mirror and have come to the not surprising conclusion that I most definitely am NOT pushing myself. This is a problem.
It's a humbling experience to put yourself out there in the public eye and run at 200+ pounds but this chick was DOING IT. I myself did it last summer. So, why not do it again?
And so the fire was lit under my ample ass......
The goal is to run my first 5K by the end of the summer.
There - I said it.
Now please hold me to it.
The second thing happened at Panera. Now I love me some Panera Bread but ever since they posted the caloric information on their menu, it is hard for me to eat there with the ignorant abandon I once did. On top of their blatant calorie show, they also now offer you options as to what you want with your meal - a slice of french baguette (oh so heavenly), chips (gives me a huge crunchgasm) or an apple (Oh, yeah - and that).
I often tend to go with the 1/2 sandwich, 1/2 salad combo - choosing the lowest calorie options of each. But when it comes to the side offering, I usually stutter and drool but end up going for the bread (yes, sadly even if I am having a sandwich that comes on, well - BREAD) or the bag of chips with it's crunchy, salty, greasy goodness (badness???). So, on this past Saturday when asked what I would like for my side, I immediately said, "Chips, please!" because let's face it - old salty, greasy habits die hard. But with a flash of guilt (and, I won't lie, the image of that large woman jogging in the 5K), I quickly corrected myself and asked instead for a nice crunchy apple....
I got a weird look from the cashier but I didn't give a shit. No need to explain to her my life long struggle of choosing good foods over bad ones. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I haven't always opted for the apple in the great fruit vs. chips debate.
But I felt good about my decision - and even though I didn't eat the apple with my lunch, I didn't get the chips...or the bread (and guaranteed if I had, I would have eaten them with lunch - no doubt about that).
However, on Sunday, my resolve must have taken a mini-vacation because I opted for a CHEESEBURGER for lunch from the corner deli. It's almost like I have two different brains. The one that wants so badly to be good and healthy and makes the right choices - and then there's the other one that tosses resolve into the shitter and says, fuck it - I want me some greasy red meat....with cheese. And I will have it.
It's like, where did that willpower from the previous day go? I really felt empowered after my Panera Bread experience - but no - in one moment, I blew to hell any good decision I had made the previous day, all for the sake of a big beef patty. But trust me, if guilt was not punishment enough, the heartburn finished the job. I think it's fair to say my gallbladder has been sending me some pretty powerful warning signs as of late and I best do my damndest to heed it's message.
So, I'm listening to my body and I am shutting off the brain that makes those bad decisions....
and my goal of doing the 5K will help me maintain my focus and keep my eye on the prize. It's all I can do.
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