I had a good cry today...
Many of the tears shed were for my 96 year old grandmother who is back in the hospital for the second time in less than 2 months and is facing the real possibility of being put into a home after so many years of living independently. It is a hard decision for my mom to make and it is killing my family - but worst of all, I feel it will kill my grandmother, literally. She has always been very proud of the fact that she has lived on her own and for the most part has been relatively self-sufficient in that she still cooks for herself, is able to get around with only the occasional use of a cane and still seems to have all of "her faculties" - a term she uses to refer to still having her wits about her. She is an inspiration to us all and to see this happening to her is devastating for my family. I wish there was something I could do - I feel completely helpless and I know my mom does too. But sadly, my mother cannot take care of her. She tried this after the last bout in the hospital and discovered just how difficult it was. Not to mention she already has two "man-children" (my dad and brother) living at home that she caters to (this is a whole other story) and she herself is in desperate need of knee replacement surgery so it's hard enough for her to get around without the extra responsibility and challenges of having to care for a 96-year old.
My husband is a saint and I don't know what I would do without him. He is the voice of reason in this relationship. Where as I can't seem to turn off my emotions, he approaches these tough life obstacles with logic and realism. He is willing to take my grandmother in. He is willing to give up his beloved living room space (which doubles as his office) for the sake of grandmother. He comes up with solutions that shows just how much he cares. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I won't know more until I talk to my mom later today. She has a meeting with someone from Medicare to explain to her the process of getting my grandmother situated in a home, but I want to talk to my mom about some other options. We do have a guest bedroom here...might we really be able to keep her here with us? I don't know....All I do know is that the thought of her being put into some facility is beyond depressing. I do not think she would last long if it truly comes to this.
And in coming to this realization, I cried for her - for what this hospitalization means this time around and for her loss of independence. I am so truly sad for her.
In times like these, it is wonderful to have the support of those that are closest to you. I called Sheryl at 7:20 this morning to share my sad news, and to talk. And yes, to cry. She knows my Gram from way back when we were teenagers. I talked, she listened. I cried.
Somewhere in the course of the conversation, the subject switched from my Gram to me. I suppose I really needed to vent. However, as of late the only thing I really feel the need to vent about is my weight. It was at that point when I realized that some of my tears were for me, too.
Maybe it's odd, but I'm not one of those people that cry very often about being fat. Of course there are times that I have, but it isn't frequent - maybe because I have just accepted being fat as a part of who I am. And who cries over "who they are"? However, I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Not just thinking....but true soul searching. It's probably the reason I have been a little depressed these past few weeks because when you start to ask yourself the hard questions, you often get answers that do not come easily, but when they do, they are quite often pretty raw and more than a tad unkind. At least that is the case for me - when I finally get truly, whole-heartedly and unapologetically honest with myself. And when the brutal honesty comes, the emotions come with it. And talking about all of this today with Sheryl was emotional - in every way. Hence, the bawl-fest.
The truth is, I am tired. So very fucking tired of looking and feeling this way. But again, I found myself asking about the concept of hitting that "rock bottom" - wondering if anyone - ANYONE - could answer when that "click", that slap in the face, that "a-ha moment," was going to happen to me. I have been reading as many weight-loss blogs as I can lately, trying to find those posts where the writer tells their story about that moment when they just knew this was it - it was their time to succeed. Sometimes it's a picture, sometimes it's a comment either from family or even a perfect stranger, sometimes it's just a slow and steady process that takes years of making small changes until one day - BAM - they are 100 lbs lighter. As I said to Sheryl this morning, I feel like I have had a hundred of those "moments." I look at my wedding pictures, that double chin staring back at me in soooooo many pictures - and I am angry. Angry that my "click" didn't happen before the wedding photographers click, if you get my drift.
What exactly will it take?
Sheryl advised that everyone's "a-ha"moment is different and that I shouldn't compare myself to others. Sometimes it's physical, and sometime it's metaphysical. Franky, I really don't give a shit which way mine decides to materialize - I just want it to happen - and SOON.
I have to admit, my chat with Sheryl made me feel much better. It's amazing what another person's words of comfort and a different perspective can do for one's mood. Before I spoke with her, I was way way down in the dumps. I even opted out of my morning walk with Josh because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. This is not me. Thankfully, I didn't listen to my inner demons - I ended up getting up at 6:50 anyway because had I not at that moment, I might still be hiding out under the covers.....
It is oddly comforting being talked down from the ledge - from a friend who gets you and your problem. I definitely have that in Sheryl and I am very thankful for it. She gave me some good encouragement and advice and once again, I am trying to refocus my thoughts, my self, my way of thinking about food, and what getting control is all about. Because right now? I feel very much out of control. Not in a crazy out of control "I am going to binge at every fast food restaurant I can find" type of way (something I have never done, thankfully) - but I just feel like no matter what I do, I am not doing enough. And that's probably because deep down, I know I'm not.
But, like a good friend who wants to see her friend succeed, Sheryl gave me some challenges to tackle this week. I have to check in with her in a few days with a progress report.
Challenge #1 - Drink HMR shakes at least 3 days in a row as a meal (Got this covered today - Vanilla Peach - not bad).
Challenge #2 - Keep up the water consumption to at least 64 oz a day (I recently bought a big 32 oz sports water bottle and yesterday was my first day to consume nearly 90 oz of water. Yes, I am peeing every 5 minutes but apparently, this is supposed to be a good thing).
Challenge #3 - Try to burn at least 300 calories through exercise daily. (By far, this will be my toughest challenge. I'm definitely thinking there has got to be sloth DNA somewhere in my gene pool).
So those are the challenges for this week....
I will let you know my progress....
I can do this.
I will do this.
"Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live."
~ Jim Rohn
~ Jim Rohn
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