How is it that it's Friday already? I swear, time is flying by at lightning speed and before I know it this semester will be over, I will be submerged in summer classes (boo hiss), and I will be anticipating my first trip to the Delaware beaches to stick my toes in the sand....in other words, it's fast approaching SWIM SUIT SEASON (insert blood-curdling scream of horror and shower scene music from Psycho here).
Every single stinking year around the end of April, beginning of May, every cell in my body seems to have heightened sensitivity. I start to think about the summer and all the things I love about the weather turning warmer. And then as soon as the warm and happy thoughts begin to fade I think about the fact that summer also means I will be donning a bathing suit and all of those summery feelings of happy happy joy joy turn into panicky feelings of "Oh shit" and "WTF" and "Lord have mercy"....Trust me when I say that no matter how much energy and sweat I invest into panicking, it does nothing to make my fat and cellulite disappear.
It's April 15 and the reality is that I am 231 pounds and no amount of freaking out is going to save me from this situation. The past is the past and I don't have the power to go back in time and do anything about the pizza, the ice cream, the pie or any other over indulgence I have participated in over the last 6 months. But I do have the ability to control my future. I am banking on success, knowing I possess this ability.
I had a good chat with my friend Val yesterday. We are very close, and try to talk as often as our busy lives allow and she reads this blog regularly. So, despite her living 3/4 of the way across the country in Colorado, she is fully aware of my plight - even if she doesn't get to "see" all of my physical ups and downs on the scale. One of the things she said to me yesterday kind of hit home. She told me that I tend to approach my weight loss as an all or nothing type situation and that I should maybe start to congratulate myself on the little successes instead of berating myself when I don't see the kinds of results I expect to. And she may be right. On some level, anyway. I tend to forget that weight loss is not an overnight thing and that often times, it can take people YEARS to make the changes necessary to see results. Those who can't bear the thought of their lives changing so drastically overnight sometimes do it in steps - for instance setting a goal to just exercise for 30 minutes a day, even if it's just a walk. They don't even concern themselves with the eating part right away - they just focus on incorporating exercise into their daily routine and once they have mastered that, then they can move on to the next step. This process takes time. It sure as shit does not take a morbidly obese person and turn them into a skinny mini overnight. When I read success stories (one of my favorite things to do - I can't wait until I have one of my own), I find myself getting disappointed when not everyone's story tells of a 100 lb loss occurring in 6 months. There are some folks who talk about losing 60 pounds over the course of 3 years. Somewhere in my warped thinking, I feel discouraged that it took them so long. Then I stop to think - well, shit, what have you lost in the past 3 years????
Because I have been buried under these layers of fat for so long, it is hard to play the waiting game. I have become incredibly impatient and I just want to break free. I want weight loss to be instantaneous and I want to see big results, like YESTERDAY. I know this way of thinking is just as unhealthy as the weight I carry and it sets me up for failure, disappointment and will frustrate me to the point of quitting if I don't shut it off. Fast.
What I need to make click is that I don't have to go all balls to the wall and think that that is the only way I am going to get this job done (and it is like a job - it takes hard work). Yes - I need to make changes - a lot of them - but maybe not hard core, all at once. Time to recognize when I achieve small goals, like reducing portions or getting my exercise in. Make that a habit and then work on adding to it.
It's not a myth. I think every fat person has a thinner, healthier person inside of them that is screaming to get out. Sometimes the voice is whiny and can be quieted by a few cookies, a cone of ice cream or some other dose of poison.
And then every now and again, that voice is so loud that you can't ignore it anymore and even when you try to feed it cake or booze or cheeseburgers to shut it up, it just gets louder. It starts to demand change. I'm at this point now. And the voice is not imaginary, you know. The voice can come from different places. It's not just in my head. My knees for example? They talk to me quite regularly. They tell me just how unhappy they are that at age 39 I have allowed arthritis to invade them. My chest talks to me frequently when climbing stairs or walking uphill. It curses like a sailor and reminds me that if I don't change my ways this is only going to get worse. My inner skinny bitch wants her day in the sun. She is so pissed that for the past 6 months I have ignored her and stuffed her down and suffocated her with whatever comfort food I could find. She wants to know why the fuck I am so resistant to having her emerge?
Good question.
Am I really afraid of something? What would losing weight mean to me? I have a loving husband, a comfortable home, and am on my way to changing my career. Life in that respect is just about as good as it gets. Physical status aside, I am in the best place in my life right now. Sure, I have anxiety about becoming a teacher - it is a huge step. But it doesn't have anything to do with my weight. This issue pre-dates this career change - by decades!
So, what is holding me back? I go to sleep and wake up with this question on my mind. And when i figure it out, I'll be sure to let you know.
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