Wipe the drool off your chin and just walk away.....

Staring out the window at a grey, rain-filled sky has become such the norm lately, I am often surprised when I see anything else through the glass. For all the gloominess and precipitation we've had here over the past month or so, I may as well be living in Seattle. No surprises today, though - it's raining (!) and is forecasted to do so all day, adding in severe lighting and thunder just to spice things up a bit. How happy am I that I have an hour's drive to class this evening?!
The sky right now is quite ominous looking and the wind is picking up so I don't doubt that in a minute or two I will be running for all of the open windows, slamming them shut as the heavens unleash the next round of flood waters. I am SO sick of this weather. I'm pretty sure I have mentioned this in ALL of my recent posts...
Where is spring? Where is the sun????? I need the sun to help lift my spirits. This thing with my Gram is really difficult to deal with and accept. She is in rehab now at what is considered a very nice facility (many of them are scary and depressing looking). They also have an assisted living facility that (fingers crossed) she may be able to go into but we really won't know what all of our options are until after we have a family meeting with her case worker on Wednesday of next week. I went with my mom to a few places yesterday and I nearly wanted to cry. People in wheel chairs staring into space, their faces slack-jawed and vacant. That is not my Gram. She is still very much "with it" and has not lost her sense of humor. With the exception of blurry eyesight, some hearing loss, and slight unsteadiness on her feet, she is in far better shape than many of the people I saw yesterday. And these people are no where near her incredible 96 years of age.
So, not surprisingly, I have been a little depressed, and a little stressed and all of this combined makes me want to do the thing I do best, which is grab the nearest piece of cake or pie and have my way with it.
Yesterday was especially tough and all throughout the day, I felt myself breaking down, that will to be "good" diminishing with every passing hour. Thankfully, the voice of reason made an appearance and won over. Even when, at 4:15, I arrived at Wegmans completely and utterly FAMISHED (all I had to eat all day was a banana) and found the following waiting for me upon my entry to the store:

• FOUR shopping carts filled with discounted Easter candy. And not just any Easter candy - I'm talking 100% drool-inducing Zitner's Buttercream Eggs. In big egg and little egg varieties. Oh, hell YES. 

After I said a few silent "holy shits," I approached one of the carts slowly and gently picked up the large box housing a single beautiful chocolate covered egg. What I did next I can guarantee you that the other individuals hoarded around this cart did not do. Knowing full well this act would probably put the kibosh on any car ride home Easter candy consumption, I still turned over the box to look at the nutritional information. And I am happy that I did, because even though I of course KNOW those eggs are from straight from the devil's candy making factory, I'm not sure I realized the full extent of JUST how evil they actually are.  You would have thought the box was covered in poop stank the way I threw it back in the cart, snorting my disgust, and then again silently giving myself a big "atta girl" for walking way from such a tempting mountain of Makemefeelbetterbutonlytemporarily food.
But the candy carts were the least of my worries. It's not a joke when they tell you never to go to a grocery store hungry.
To whomever initially figured out that bit of well intended advice and passed it along, I have one thing to say - Brava! It is sooooo damn true. Every aisle, every corner, every rack, shelf or kisosk called my name. I was conjuring recipes in my head with every turn of my cart. But the real challenge presented itself when I called Josh to ask him if I should buy some dessert. Seriously????? Yes, I did. It's not like I was calling to ask his permission if I could buy something - but I wanted him to give me the green light to eat something bad because my internal Food Chaperon was yelling at me not to and I wanted to tell her to fuck off because my husband said it was OK to buy something bad and, after all, I respect his opinion. One thing I know about my husband is that he will support me in anything I do. He will give me anything I need. He is a nurturer and wants nothing more than to see me happy. I knew he'd say, "Sure - go ahead!" But instead he asked me: "Well, do you want dessert?"
Ugh - what kind of question is that?
This was especially annoying because I just so happened to be standing in front of a Wegmans peanut butter pie. It was practically jumping into my cart all on it's own, it was as sure as I was that Josh was going to say yes.
I had to do some quick thinking. If I let the depressed, sad, stressed and hormonal Rochelle answer, I knew the answer to his question would be a resounding "Is the pope Catholic????!!!!!" That peanut butter pie would have been nestled, all snug in my cart in two seconds flat.
However, if I let the rational, reasoning, dieting Rochelle answer, who was trying desperately to hang onto whatever thread of will power there was left, I knew the answer would be "No, no - absolutely not".....Ok, I'm exaggerating - it probably would have more like a "Um, I guess not."
So instead I just said, "How about if I surprise you?" because that seemed like a good way to get out of having to make a snap decision.
In the end, I chose 100 calorie Fudgesicles and left the store with a sense of satisfaction. My cramps and hormones wouldn't allow me to leave without some form of chocolate, so I felt this was an acceptable compromise. Portion control on a stick....and no caloric apocalypse. Yey me.
I'm taking these small "victories" to heart. I am trying to keep my liquid intake up and calories down. I am trying to eat mindfully as much as possible. Do I always succeed? No. Will I get there? Yes.
I just want to get through the next week which will mark the end of another semester and getting that much closer to a new career. And hopefully some decisions will be ironed out as far as my Gram is concerned. Each day brings challenges but hey, that's life. I better get used to it.

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.
~Doug Firebaugh