Damn You Louie's Pizza & Your Irresistable Cheeseburger Subs

Well, it's Happy Humpday for those in the working world and just a plain old Wednesday here for the 'at home and unemployed'. I was just in the middle of doing a million and one things to get ready to leave for the beach tonight. We plan to take off shortly after Josh gets home and time is a tickin'. Why I decided to sit down and blog, I have no idea.

It's sort of dreary outside, with distant rumbles of thunder. The humidity is heavy as hell so it isn't exactly motivating to run around the house sweating like a pig, despite the potential to actually burn some calories. It's really stuffy in here right now, especially upstairs where I don't have the AC on full blast.

I still have quite a bit on my to do list such as run to the pharmacy for my baby-prevention pills, finish packing and do at least one more load of laundry and possibly then I can chillax for a bit. This trip to the beach isn't exactly all pleasure. We have a bunch of wedding details to tackle which I am actually looking forward to doing. Yes folks - contrary to all the shit that has been going on  - we are doing this!

I'm feeling pretty good in general today, maybe because I squared things away with my financial aid and no longer have that weighing on my mind. I also re-confirmed the reception venue and it turns out, the date was not given to another couple so as it stands, Oct 9, 2010 is still the wedding day! Thank the Lord!

Diet-wise I am doing all-right today - no major catastrophes to speak of. So far I have only consumed a bowl of Fiber One frosted wheat cereal and for lunch I may have a grilled skinless chicken thigh and some salad. I'm not all that hungry because I am pretty sure that Fiber One cereal has expanded to 10 times it's normal size in my stomach by now since I guzzled a large glass of water after I ate it. That stuff is like a fiber filled sponge....but at least it keeps me full and not digging for chocolate a half hour after I eat it. Plus it actually tastes good - not all cardboard-y and nasty like you'd expect from a cereal who's name begins with the word FIBER.

And best of all - it keeps ya regular!!!!

While I know I'm not supposed to weight myself every day, I do think it helps keep me on track so I'm giving myself permission to do so, at least for now. I was happy to see that I was 223.6 lb this morning so the scale is once again, slowly moving in the right direction.

I plan on not making the same mistake twice and thinking that just because I am exercising while at the beach, it means that I can gorge myself on Mexican food and ice cream. This trip is really less pleasure and more business anyway so maybe I won't feel the need to go overboard this time around. We're also planning ahead this time and packing healthy foods to take along with us anyway so the need to dine out will be less this way. Ah, but those Louie's cheeseburger subs......how can I be in Rehoboth Beach and NOT have one? Is that even possible? Anyone that knows me knows this is my all time favorite indulgence while at the Delaware beaches. I don't know if they put crack in those things or if it's just some childhood nostalgia thing that makes me think they are so freaking delicious but I do know I have never been to Rehoboth Beach and NOT eaten at least one while visiting there. This is a true test and I can't make any promises right now but I will try my hardest to resist the power of Louie's.....Stay tuned....

At least I am looking forward to doing some biking and kayaking while there (which won't negate the damage done by a Louie's cheeseburger sub; but should I happen to consume one, it will help to burn off at least some of those calories). Exercise is definitely in store for the next few days. And Josh and I have also been walking the past 2 days so hopefully that will become a habit once again. Except I think I much rather prefer walking in the early AM.....less swarming gnats which seem to really dig my hairspray and like to form a traveling posse that buzz around my head like a bunch of annoying assholes. There is not enough Deep Woods Off in the universe to fend these suckers off and it makes the evening walk much less enjoyable, as I have a hard time swatting, cursing and walking at the same time. 

Anyway, main goals to accomplish by the end of the weekend are to book a photographer and maybe a wedding cake baker and take some measurements of the reception venue so I can start to plan some things.....

Maybe keeping super busy will be the way to take my mind off of eating, although if my past tells me anything, I tend to chow down on bad shit in times of stress. Note to self: Must try to reverse that very bad behavior.

Anyway, that's really about all that's going on for the moment.....not much else to report. 

What can I say? It's been a slow day. :-)

Finding What Works

What a difference a day makes.

Although I'm still majorly ragging it and therefore not my usual chipper self, after being forced to take a walk with Josh last night around the town (after getting through the day with relatively "decent" food choices) I felt somewhat rejuvenated and woke this morning thinking good thoughts and giving myself my daily affirmation that I can do well today too.

So far, so good but it's only 8 AM.

I must give props where props are due. Reading PastaQueen.com has been a huge inspiration to me. I have started reading her archives which are all about the beginning of her weight loss journey and her posts are quite motivating. I know how I feel at my current weight (224.4 lbs this morning so yey - at least I am down a little bit from yesterday's bloat-fest) so I can't imagine what having another 140 lbs on me would be like. It's horrifying to think about. Yet, she managed to look past the huge obstacle in front of her and take the necessary steps needed to achieve a 200 lb loss which, I don't care what anyone says, is fucking amazing and totally kick ass. The fact that she did this naturally - no surgery, no pills - just good old fashioned diet and exercise, is the best part. She is a REAL person who beat her fat demon into submission. I'm sure she battles with it daily but has been able to to at least keep it at bay in order to maintain her weight loss.

I have known many people throughout my life that have been successful at weight loss through various methods. I myself have had limited success on various programs like Weight Watchers, South Beach Diet, Susan Powter's Stop The Insanity, and a few others, but the loss was never anything so significant that I noticed a huge difference in the way I looked and felt. Going back and looking at pictures of me from the past, especially from last May, I'd give my eye teeth to look that "skinny" right now and I wasn't even thin! I probably weighed at least 190 - 200 lbs but now I'm at least 24.4 lbs heavier and let me tell you - it is VERY noticeable.

I think the key is finding a weight loss method you can stick with.  Since I have tried a few, I know obviously that reducing my caloric and carb in take works, even if I don't exercise like a madwoman. When I DO add exercise to the equation, I also know that I become a calorie burning, fat melting machine. This should be a no-brainer, right? Get the ass a-movin! However, this is the hardest part for me, motivationally speaking.  Having access to a gym is what helped me the last time I lost weight (God Bless the Eliptical Machine) but right now I don't have the money for a gym so walking outdoors, on my treadmill, or doing workout videos is all I've got. And unfortunately, I haven't taken nearly enough advantage of any of them. The size of my non-worked out gut does not lie.

I know although at this weight I probably qualify now for gastric bypass surgery, I'd never consider it. Lap-band maybe but not the Big Kahuna of weight loss surgery. It scares me too much. I'm not knocking it but I think it takes such a severe change of lifestyle that I may not be able to live with. Plus I really think if I kick my ass in gear and stay conscious of what I am putting in my mouth, I can actually do this the all natural way. Listen to me sounding all gung-ho!!!

There are a plethora of motivating factors to losing weight obviously. Being fat really limits you in ways that "normal sized" people can't even imagine. 

I remember going boot shopping with my friends Sheryl and Janet and warning Janet who had never shopped with me previously that I was indeed going to sweat and curse a lot while trying on boots, so she should prepare herself for possible embarrassment by association. I'm not sure what she expected. Maybe she thought I was kidding since she couldn't figure out why zipping on a pair of calf boots would cause anyone to curse let alone SWEAT (she is tall and thin and knee boots were basically made for people with legs like hers)??? What she didn't understand was that fat girls with mammoth calves don't just slip on a pair of knee boots and pull up the zipper with style and grace, walk to the counter and buy them. Oh no.

We require intricate calisthenics just to get our chunky feet wedged into the bottom of the boot, perhaps with the aid of the world's largest show horn slathered in Crisco. We then require multiple hands to squeeze the calf chub together so we can begin the slow and painful inching of the zipper up our leg only to discover it will only go about 1/4 of the way up. We then spew many many four letter words, disregarding the fact there may or may not be small children present in the shoe department, followed by a series of grunts and wiping of beaded sweat off of our forehead in order to yank the offending boot from the now throbbing foot (since we really needed a wide width anyway but thought we still might give this 7 1/2 regular a go - because we apparently like to torture ourselves). We consider ourselves lucky if the force behind the yanking doesn't send the boot flying into the perfume counter.

Don't get me started on the stretchy pull up type boots. I don't know how many countless pairs I have ruined and stretch out at Macy's trying to find ones that would fit my ample calves. Puh-leeze.

So, yes, being able to wear knee high boots with ease is definitely on my list of things that motivate me to lose weight. Here are a few others:

• No double (or triple) chins photos!
  
• No more creaking knees!
  
• Being able to shop at "normal" stores. Bye Bye Lane Bryant - I should have owned stock in you.
  
• Feeling confident in a bathing suit.
  
• Reducing the size of my mega boobs!
  
• Not getting winded walking up more than a flight of stairs.
  
• Feeling lighter on my feet.
  
• Saying adios to cankles.
  
• No more back pain.
  
• Wearing sleeveless shirts and tank tops without exposing my ham hock upper arms.
  
• Sitting and not feeling like I have to cover my gut with my hands or stretch my shirt over my knees.
  
• Being able to run without feeling like the earth will crack under my feet.
  
• Feeling sexy again....
  
• Getting a short haircut and not looking like my head is a giant beach ball.
  
• Looking spectacular in my wedding dress.
  

........and that's just the short list.

But truthfully, overall, I really just want to get healthy so that I feel better. I know all of the other things will come into play if I just stick with it. The things listed above will all be direct results of getting a healthier body so ultimately, that's the focus.

While the wedding is a significant motivation for me to lose weight, it isn't the ONLY motivation. My cousin Andrea made a good point in saying that I need to do it for myself, with which I completely agree. It is for me. It is my battle and one that only I can conquer.

There may be many supporters along the way (for which I am eternally grateful) but they can't drop the pounds for me......

So to quote one of my favorite songs - "It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life.....and I'm feelin' good".

R.B. Puff 'N' Stuff

Oh Boy.

Oh fucking boy.

I am done......this is it. The FAT stops here.

I feel positively weighed down this morning. It literally feels as if I swallowed a brick and a bucket of cement. Topping off that lovely feeling is a mild case of cankles. In short I'm feeling pretty much like the world's biggest lard ass at the moment. 

While I would very much like to blame all of the bloat, heaviness and general feeling of lackluster on the arrival of my period, I know better. It just ain't so. 

The weekend may be somewhat to blame.

Yes, it was fun.....as a matter of fact, it was downright fat-tastic. 

Indulgence is not a friend (incidentally, neither are mojitos) and no one knows that today better than I.

So, here I am again, in search of the willpower and strength I know I have in there somewhere (Hello in there? echo.....echo...echo) and I am begging it to show itself once and for all to help me help myself get healthy and get serious about what is going to happen to me if I don't. 

Scary thought of the day.....

But putting that aside, the one thing I do know about beginning a new program is that you can't do it if you are all mopey and depressed so I decided yesterday that despite how I feel today physically, my mental set will reflect a much more positive attitude. 

Granted, I understand if you are all sick of hearing me talk about falling off the wagon. It would appear that that's pretty much all I have been doing since May but you know what? Shit happens and I am here today to say I'm kicking those bad habits in the ass and I am ready to commit today to changing my body.

Again, with the many unflattering photos that were taken of me over the weekend, I have been agonizingly forced to see just how "not cute" I have become. Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man, move on over. Apparently there's a new bitch in town. 

I'm back to square one - not necessarily weight wise (although too damn close for my liking since as of this AM, period bloat, weekend spree and all, I am back to {HEAVY sigh} 226 lbs) but my panic level is there. Is THIS now rock bottom? I don't really know. The only thing I DO know is that I feel like complete stuffed shit today (whatever that is) and there's really only one thing to do about it. Move My Ass.

Josh has decided not only to support me with my eating but has also made it clear that it is perfectly within his rights to become Sgt. Asshole with me regarding exercise and you know what? I need him to be. 

I may not have to prove I can bounce quarters off of our tightly made bed complete with hospital corners, but I may have to chant things like, "I don't know what I been told.... Being fat makes me feel old! Sound off - one two!" while marching or perhaps doing one armed push ups. I say - Bring it!

I'm honestly Ok with this because I desperately need that push. An enabler is the last thing I want right now so by Josh being a little tough on me and forcing me to get out there and sweat my ass off is a good thing, no matter how much I despise it. And I DO despise sweating.

Habits take about a month to form so the goal is by the end of August, I will have developed some sort of doable, and dare I say enjoyable, routine. Because whether I like or not, this fall I will have to start trying on wedding dresses and I don't want it to be a tear-filled traumatic experience. 

Tomorrow I am going to make a list of all of the things that I want to benefit from after losing the weight....(it's a long one) and list all things that are negative aspects of being the F-word (equally as long, I am sure). 

But today, I'm just concentrating on getting started. Here we go again....

5 Year Old Diet Guru

Another dreary Friday morning is here....with more depressing tales from the scale. I'm stuck at 224 lbs and counting. But really, am I all that surprised? Honestly? 

No - not in the least.

I weighed in this morning not because I wanted to, but because I knew I had to. As I stated at the beginning of this blog, I am committed to posting regular weigh ins and broadcast the truth regarding my results, no matter how depressing the news may be.

This week is no different. I'm here to share the not so good news.

This week wasn't what I would call a bad week per se - meaning I didn't consciously feel like I was sabotaging my own diet (let's face it - there are some weeks that you just KNOW you aren't doin' a body good). But on the flip side of the coin, I know I certainly didn't do anything to help it along either. Having gone through weeks like this in the past, I certainly didn't anticipate there would be any sort of loss.  After all, why should I expect the numbers on the scale to move if I myself haven't?

As usual, old Sonofabitch did not disappoint.

224......224....224 - no matter how many times I stepped on and shifted the scale's position on the floor. 

Two hundred and fucking twenty-four.

Sooooo, when faced with a "weighty" situation such as this, there are two things I could do. #1 - Wallow in my pudge induced misery over the fact that this fat is going nowhere fast and start shoving my face with peanut butter sandwiches to make matters worse. Or, #2 - Shake myself off and say, OK - you need to pull yourself together, refocus, put your sights back on your goal and get your sorry ass in gear.  I have chosen the second option (and no, it's not because we are out of peanut butter, which would make choosing option #1 all that more difficult).

Making the decision to not dwell on this slump has surprisingly made me all that more motivated. I feel like I am ready to get back in the game. In my last post I unabashedly asked for one swift kick in the ass to get me back on track, and Val and Sheryl willingly stepped up to the plate to do just that - so thanks guys. (Read comment posts if you don't know what the hell I am talking about).

While I may repeatedly fall off this unreliable wagon of weight loss, at least I know my friends will be there to help dust me off and push me back on. Even if I go kicking and screaming and grunting. Which, I'm just warning you guys, is probably going to happen more often than not. Deal with it.

Other than looking to my friends for inspiration, I have discovered it in another unlikely place. My 5 year old niece.

I never realized it but I think she may hold the golden ticket to the secret of weight loss. 

She simply knows when to say when.

She was here visiting me and Josh for a few days and I watched  (in pure amazement) as she happily declared she was "full" when she was only half done with her meal....time and time again. I admired her ability to casually admit she couldn't finish her ice cream cone (say wha-?), eat all of her meatballs (all 2 of them!) or consume the other half of her ham, tomato & mayo   sandwich (no cheese - even though I offered!!!).

If only I could do that! Say no, push away, throw away, or save for later half of my meals! Holy Moses, I'd be skinny in no time!

And, hey,  it's not like the kid doesn't eat her share of junk food.  As a matter of fact, we made a pit stop at McDonald's (her request ok, so back off) before heading to the movies on Wednesday so she could have a "normal" lunch instead of consuming a bag full of buttery popcorn and jujubees at the movies, and even there, under the Golden Arches, she couldn't even finish her cheeseburger and SMALL fries or vanilla milkshake.

Unreal!

I had my own small victory at Mickey D's, mind you. Although in my warped mind, there is nothing more delicious than a cold thick shake (hey - I'm Lovin' It), and wanted nothing more than to suck down the remaining abandoned vanilla badness my niece left behind, I have been suspecting I have a mild lactose sensitivity thing going on as of late. Immediately, I recalled that the last time I indulged in a McDonald's dairy demon I nearly crapped my pants so while I wanted oh so desperately to finish that milky milky shake shake, I thought better of it, in turn saving myself about 250 calories, 7 grams of fat and an potentially embarrassing rectal mudslide. Not to mention the excruciating gas pains I would have had to endure during the movie.

Yey me. And yey for the other people in the theater who were graciously spared the SBD's!!!!

Anyway, I digress. The point is, in order to get back on track with dropping the pounds, I could take a tip or two from the way my niece eats (um, very little) and her ability to say no to second helpings. Also, not being a member (or in my case, President) of the Clean Plate Club could have profound effects on losing weight. I just need to channel her ability and will to walk away from the food and not look back. 

It's time to restart.....again. And in the words of a very wise 5 year old, begin saying "I'm full" while my plate still partially is too. :-)

Wanted: One Swift Kick in the Ass

Rainy days do zilch for my motivation. Today is about as good of a 'sit on your ass and eat bon bons' day as any....except for the fact that by the looks of my fat ass, that is what I appear to do all day anyway - even if I don't. 

The goal today is to get moving and break a sweat, even if it kills me. Which it probably will.

My niece arrives tonight to visit for a few days so I have more house cleaning to do - even though I cleaned over the weekend. Life with three dogs means I'll never be able to part ways with my Dyson or dust mop for more than 3 days in a row. Otherwise we run the risk of being buried alive by fur balls. This has come close to happening so I need to be careful. Cleaning this old house is no easy task - there's lots of nooks and crannies for dust to accumulate so I have my work cut out for me today. Scrubbing the deep clawfoot bathtub alone is sure to give my arms the workout of the century. God I hate cleaning the fucking tub.

I think I'll go bake brownies first.

Or maybe not. 

It'll just add to my depression since this morning I weighed in at 224 lbs which is what I weighed back at the end of MAY.

I feel like I've done jack shit to lose weight and so now I sit here wondering what my problem is. I have the time. Now where oh where is the motivation???? This is not the first time I have experienced this sort of non-motivational slump. There have been times in my life when I have been super gung-ho about losing weight and have busted my ass to drop some pounds and then there are times, like now, when I am feeling less than optimistic and not exactly enthused about the prospect of doing what I KNOW it takes to get to Skinnyville. I've actually never visited Skinnyville (nor have I ever come anywhere near it's borders) but I do know quite a few people that live there and it looks fabulous.

The problem is that there is a very regimented program I must follow in order to gain access to this place and as of right now, I haven't done any of the work to get there.

What is it that's stopping me? Again, I need to remind myself of the wedding that is taking place in 445 days (or 63 1/2 weeks). That gives me plenty of time to do something about the way I look but I know that unless I get that rush of motivation that I have experienced in the past, things are looking scary.

I think I can get control of the eating more so than I can motivate myself to move, sad as that seems. Perhaps I need a workout buddy? Josh has been going into the office on most days and is wiped out when he gets home (and who can blame him after leaving for work before 5AM????).

The food journal will hopefully make me see food wise where I am eating the empty calories - except empty calories really aren't so "empty" as we know and I am pretty sure I already can figure out where they come from. They are those sneaky little suckers that live inside the salt water taffy and cranberry juice I had yesterday or the handfuls of popcorn that I ate the day before, and while seemingly innocent they deceivingly add to the  day's calories consumption just enough to keep me from losing.

I have also decided that nothing gets past the lips and gums (other than toothpaste and water) after 8 PM. If I'm really good, I'll try for 7:00 but can't promise anything.

Then I just need to figure out how to get myself on the at treadmill because I have ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE SINCE IT IS RIGHT INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've recently discovered the blog PastaQueen.com and the author of this blog lost over 200 lbs. Seriously - 200 lbs!!!! That is more than twice what I need to lose. So what is it that motivated her and why can't I do the same?

She has been blogging for a few years so I am just starting to go back into her archives when she started her journey but am curious to see what her "breaking point" was. I feel like I have had so many - but maybe what I considered to be rock bottom really wasn't, and THAT is enough to scare the ever loving shit right out of me. I can't imagine myself any bigger than I am right now - it would be terrible. But then, I have to wonder why is it that I can't imagine myself any smaller either? Is it that I have been this heavy for so long that I can't recall what a normal sized Rochelle should look like?

Hmmm......food for thought.

Pun intended.

P.S.

If you scroll down to the bottom of the page there is now a guest book for you to sign and leave comments at will! I would enjoy any and all feed back, comments, suggestions, you name it.....

And thanks for reading!

Beer Wallet Budget Blues

I can already see how planning a wedding can drive you to drink, never mind eat. Over the last two days, I have done my fair share of both.

This is quite possibly the most stressful thing I have had to do in, oh, let's see - forever, and honestly, it's only because I am currently on a very skimpy, very sad, very unemployed budget. As the old saying goes, I have champagne taste but possess a meager beer wallet. And we're not even talking good beer.....I'd say my spending allowance at the moment might be on par with a Natural Light Wallet - or perhaps Pabst Blue Ribbon or Colt 45. It sucks. You have no idea just how much. 

Being unemployed and going back to school has certainly put the kabash on any extravagant wedding ideas I was previously entertaining. Not that the wedding won't be RoJofabulous, but I'm realistic enough to know it won't be all that I envisioned. Notice I didn't say we? That's because Josh could give a rat's ass about all of this wedding planning hoopla. He just wants to get married and call it a day.

While I am by no means a bridezilla (yet), I still want to have my special day and make it a party to remember. That's not so wrong, is it?

Yesterday I spend the better part of the day online doing some research and e-mailing photographers and videographers and florists. It was rather enlightening because I found a few photographers that had shot weddings at Salero's and I wasn't overly impressed with the pictures and couldn't figure out why. Then it dawned on me. It was so damn bright in that place! Most of the shots looked like the wedding was taking place at 10 AM.  Never mind the yellow and salmon colored walls which only add to that sun-shiny mid day at the beach feeling (could they make it any harder to have a pretty coordinated color scheme?). I realized yesterday that I never pictured having a daytime wedding. As a matter of fact when Josh and I got engaged back in December and had looked at the Lake Valhalla Club in all it's rustic glory, I was so taken in by it that I just KNEW that was where I was going to get married. It was perfect. Well, perfect that is, except for the price tag.

Salero's really isn't much cheaper when it's all budgeted out - especially when you factor in the decorations that I will have to do to take the focus off of the pastel explosion that is on the walls. Thank God sunset is at 6:25. That will mean only an hour and a half of full sun will be bright and beaming on those already bright and beaming walls.

All of this got me thinking yesterday about the Lake Valhalla Club again, with it's rustic charm and 2 huge stone fireplaces and top shelf bar and all the other things I loved about that place. Which got Josh thinking he may want to kill me. And he's right - I am being ridiculous about this. I need to pick a place, make up my mind and stick to it. The problem is, I have never been good at making up my mind. About anything. Why should planning a wedding be any different?

My issue of the moment (certainly guaranteed not to be the last issue I have regarding this momentous event) is the guest list, as that determines cost more than anything. The food is the hefty portion of the budget and while my sister could feed 208 people on $10,000 I can barely feed 95 for that. What a difference 10 years makes. It doesn't help that my dad is one of 13 so my family alone is the size of a small army. If robbing a bank wouldn't get me 20-life, I'd seriously consider it right about now.

As I was going over our budget yesterday, I figured if I reduced the number of people (even further than I already have), I could save a chunk of change. My problem is that I want to share this special day with the world. Come on, it's taken me long enough to get here! Once again, Josh and I are on two different pages when it comes to this whole thing. If he had it his way, we'd be walking across the street to the courthouse today and get hitched by the JOP and do this shit already. 

King of Romance when it comes to this whole wedding thing, he's not.

I think I just need to take a deep breath and relax. The most important thing about the day is that Josh and I are getting hitched! I can't worry so much about the money because I know I will drive myself crazy. And probably chew my leg off in the process.

Speaking of which, in order to keep me focused (or get me focused I should say) on my weight loss, I have decided to keep a food journal. If I'm going to shovel microwave popcorn in my mouth like it's my job, I need to write it down. If I am going to inhale salt water taffy like it's calorie free, I need to write it down. I also need to start measuring things - not just eyeballing it, because I am pretty sure that half a london broil steak, no matter how thinly it's sliced, isn't one serving. I have no idea if this will help me see the errors of my ways, but I am willing to give it a shot.

I've promised myself I will start looking for dresses either in November or December so I have exactly 4-5 months to kick this ass into shape - preferably a shape that is not obscenely round and beach ball like.

Because no matter where I decide to get married, whether it's in front of a stone fireplace or on the beach? I still want to look thin and pretty. That is the ONE thing of which I am absolutely sure.

Pie in the Thigh.

I always find it amusing how many things there are in life that can derail you from staying on track with your personal goals - particularly when it comes to weight loss. You would think something as innocent as a bag full of rhubarb from my aunt's garden wouldn't be targeted as an obvious culprit - since it's technically a vegetable, and therefore deemed healthy and good for you. But I can assure you, it has caused me great strife in the last 48 hours. This is mainly because I don't know what the hell rhubarb was put on this earth for, if not to be used as a scrumptious pie filling???? 

When talking about weight loss goals - the use of the word "pie" is usually frowned upon. Unless of course you are saying something like "I no longer eat pie, as it detracts from my weight loss goals." However, that's not exactly the sentence I had in mind.

 My use of pie in a statement might sound more like this: "I was given a bag of beautiful home grown rhubarb and it would be a cardinal sin not to use it to bake a pie. So I did. And I ate it too." I may even smack my lips for emphasis.

Since returning from vacation last Saturday, Josh and I were sticking to a strict Edy's Frozen Fruit Bars Only policy regarding what we were allowing ourselves to eat for dessert. Then came the freaking bag 'o' rhubarb and all hell broke loose. The funny thing is, Josh doesn't even like rhubarb so I didn't think he'd indulge (perhaps I was secretly hoping I'd get a whole pie to myself? Enter oinking pig noises here). But he actually ended up really liking it......because let's face it - pie is next to Godliness. I dare you to disagree.

I'm embarrassed to say that as of this morning, even after taking the dump of the century, I am clinging fast to 223 lbs - meaning the post-vacation weight continues to linger. And even knowing that, I still chose to indulge in baking, and yes of course eating that damn fabulous pie (I didn't eat all of it yet, but I am pretty sure it's not going to last the weekend). Did I mention it was strawberry-rhubarb pie?

Does that justify it? No? 

Ok, then, moving on.....

I am really starting to wonder when I am going to stop going against everything I say I am going to do and seriously concentrate on this freaking weight loss already! I am, with good reason, quite pissed off at myself today. I need to start kicking my own ass (hard) about this and hold myself accountable for when I fuck up. The admitting that I screwed up and saying whoops has gotten too easy. I really need something more consequential to happen to me when I do these things.....but what, pray tell, do I think that should entail?

Ultimately, the biggest f-you I could do to myself would be to continue ignoring this bad behavior. Then, when I am uncomfortably chunky and stuffed into some white dress, feeling like a big fat failure come next October, instead of a happy glowing and healthy weight bride, I know I will have no one to blame by myself. But I really really really don't want that to happen. However, I am starting to wonder if I can honestly pull this off on my own?

As I type this Josh is outside pulling weeds and burning calories. No doubt he will come inside in about an hour and have a small 80 calorie cup of yogurt and I will want to scream because, right now I am starving and I can't seem to live without my morning bowl of cereal or english muffin with peanut butter. Yogurt simply doesn't satisfy - anything. When it comes to breakfast foods - If you don't have to chew it, then screw it. That's my motto.

So, for now I'll sit and drink my coffee....and think about what I need to do to get on a strict plan. Maybe I need to write out a weekly menu? Maybe I need to start a food journal? Maybe I need to throw out the pie? (Gasp!)

Or maybe I just need to get off my ass and go weed the backyard with my fiance.....except I really hate dirt, bugs, flies and well, dirt. And did I mention bugs?

Perhaps I'll just go vacuum instead....

Does This Bike Make My Ass Look Fat?

Is there anything more depressing than returning home from a weeks worth of sun, sand and surf? Maybe I am being slightly dramatic here, as I do love my home and really missed my king-sized bed this past week (2 people plus 3 dogs on a queen sized bed = contortionist style sleeping positions that do NOT do wonders for your back or neck) - but we had such a good week at the beach that it's difficult to get up and know that the ocean isn't just a 3 minute bike ride away and the most important task of the day isn't figuring out how to get a super dark tan without running the risk of peeling. Or getting skin cancer for that matter.

Josh and I arrived home on Saturday afternoon and while he was out at a kayak lesson yesterday I was supposed to be cleaning the house and getting the place ready for my niece to come visit next week. Let's just say, that didn't exactly happen.

How can I think about cleaning when I have a wedding to plan????????

That's right - we finally decided on a place at Rehoboth Beach! I am beyond excited and if I can get the contract signed, sealed and delivered this week, it looks like Josh and I will officially be declared Mr. & Mrs. on Oct 9, 2010.

Crazy! It will have taken me only took me 38 years to get to this moment.

While all of this wedding planning is fun and exciting it forces me to acknowledge the one reason I started this blog in the first place. I need to lose a shit load of weight before I get married. Mega poundage. We are not talking about a simple task here......this is serious shit.

As predicted, Josh and I were very active over our vacation but apparently the activities we engaged in didn't quite cancel out the Mexican food, pizza and ice cream in which we indulged. It's amusing to think how athletic, agile and skinny I felt when I was in the bay kayaking or taking a morning walk, or swimming in the pool or ocean or even biking into town and back. I truly felt lighter and somehow imagined that with all of this exercise I was melting with each stroke, paddle or pedal rotation. However, the lesson learned here is even though you might literally feel like you are biking your ass off, as you can see clearly from the above posted picture, it is most definitely not the case. 

"Baby Got Back" just became my theme song, whether I like it or not. 

There is NOTHING quite like a heinous photograph that will put your weight loss challenge into crystal clear prospective. This particularly stunning photo (and by stunning, I mean I am stunned to learn my ass looks like two very large hamburger buns have been smuggled under my shorts) is screaming, "Girl, you've got some major work to do!"

The white dress looms larger than ever now and it's no longer a fantasy - it's a reality -  and if I don't want to get rolled back into the ocean during my beach ceremony by some sea life conservatory group, I better get serious about dropping a few sizes (and by a few I mean at least 10). 

So today is it - the end of my vacation and therefore pretty much the end of indulging in all of the crap I know I shouldn't but have been anyway. The Queen of Excuses is taping that rear view bike picture on the fridge next to a wedding dress picture as a reminder of what I need to accomplish in the next 15 months. 

The thing is - it can be done - there is plenty of time - if I stay focused and keep my eye on the goal. 

There is a motivating quote I used to have hanging on the fridge at my old apartment that I referred to when I was doing Weight Watchers or trying one of the other various weight loss attempts of my past. It always stuck with me, even though I often blatantly ignored it.....obviously.

It was: Don't give up what you want the most for what you want in the moment.

I think it's genius and right up there with, if not better than WW's own: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Words to live by.......I just need to remember them.

So as I sit here drinking my morning coffee, I am also mentally composing my grocery list in my head. Lettuce, veggies, low fat salad dressing, more veggies, chicken, lean turkey, more veggies......and NO ice cream.

I can do this. I do not have to walk down the aisle in a white potato sack. Speaking of which - no white potatoes!

Although I started this blog in May and am two months into trying to drop this albatross around my thighs, stomach, chin  and every other body part imaginable, I think it's now safe to say that with an actual wedding date in sight this is where the journey really begins. Things are about to get interesting.....