I always find it amusing how many things there are in life that can derail you from staying on track with your personal goals - particularly when it comes to weight loss. You would think something as innocent as a bag full of rhubarb from my aunt's garden wouldn't be targeted as an obvious culprit - since it's technically a vegetable, and therefore deemed healthy and good for you. But I can assure you, it has caused me great strife in the last 48 hours. This is mainly because I don't know what the hell rhubarb was put on this earth for, if not to be used as a scrumptious pie filling????
When talking about weight loss goals - the use of the word "pie" is usually frowned upon. Unless of course you are saying something like "I no longer eat pie, as it detracts from my weight loss goals." However, that's not exactly the sentence I had in mind.
My use of pie in a statement might sound more like this: "I was given a bag of beautiful home grown rhubarb and it would be a cardinal sin not to use it to bake a pie. So I did. And I ate it too." I may even smack my lips for emphasis.
Since returning from vacation last Saturday, Josh and I were sticking to a strict Edy's Frozen Fruit Bars Only policy regarding what we were allowing ourselves to eat for dessert. Then came the freaking bag 'o' rhubarb and all hell broke loose. The funny thing is, Josh doesn't even like rhubarb so I didn't think he'd indulge (perhaps I was secretly hoping I'd get a whole pie to myself? Enter oinking pig noises here). But he actually ended up really liking it......because let's face it - pie is next to Godliness. I dare you to disagree.
I'm embarrassed to say that as of this morning, even after taking the dump of the century, I am clinging fast to 223 lbs - meaning the post-vacation weight continues to linger. And even knowing that, I still chose to indulge in baking, and yes of course eating that damn fabulous pie (I didn't eat all of it yet, but I am pretty sure it's not going to last the weekend). Did I mention it was strawberry-rhubarb pie?
Does that justify it? No?
Ok, then, moving on.....
I am really starting to wonder when I am going to stop going against everything I say I am going to do and seriously concentrate on this freaking weight loss already! I am, with good reason, quite pissed off at myself today. I need to start kicking my own ass (hard) about this and hold myself accountable for when I fuck up. The admitting that I screwed up and saying whoops has gotten too easy. I really need something more consequential to happen to me when I do these things.....but what, pray tell, do I think that should entail?
Ultimately, the biggest f-you I could do to myself would be to continue ignoring this bad behavior. Then, when I am uncomfortably chunky and stuffed into some white dress, feeling like a big fat failure come next October, instead of a happy glowing and healthy weight bride, I know I will have no one to blame by myself. But I really really really don't want that to happen. However, I am starting to wonder if I can honestly pull this off on my own?
As I type this Josh is outside pulling weeds and burning calories. No doubt he will come inside in about an hour and have a small 80 calorie cup of yogurt and I will want to scream because, right now I am starving and I can't seem to live without my morning bowl of cereal or english muffin with peanut butter. Yogurt simply doesn't satisfy - anything. When it comes to breakfast foods - If you don't have to chew it, then screw it. That's my motto.
So, for now I'll sit and drink my coffee....and think about what I need to do to get on a strict plan. Maybe I need to write out a weekly menu? Maybe I need to start a food journal? Maybe I need to throw out the pie? (Gasp!)
Or maybe I just need to get off my ass and go weed the backyard with my fiance.....except I really hate dirt, bugs, flies and well, dirt. And did I mention bugs?
Perhaps I'll just go vacuum instead....
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