Not Exactly Good Bye - More Like See Ya Later

I'm saying sayonara to this blog and heading on over to my new pad: Does My Butt Make This Blog Look Fat??

Please come visit my new journey at http://buttfatblog.blogspot.com/

Thanks for reading!!!!

Clearing the slate....

I feel like my perpetual go-to phrase as of late has become - "where did the time go?" I am feel waves of shock and horror knowing that it is the end of June and my well intended plans of getting into shape this summer are quickly slipping through the ever-expanding cracks of time.
I'm quite familiar with the quip "time flies when you're having fun" but if that's true, then time should technically be standing still for me right now. In other words, there really hasn't been much fun to be had around here since my summer classes kicked in. Last Saturday was the first in a long series of anti-social Saturdays where we actually went out and enjoyed ourselves with friends. I was beginning to forget what mingling with outsiders felt like. Being cooped up inside, with my head buried in a textbook, separated from friends, is so not who I am, or what I am all about. The fact that we haven't thrown a party here yet this summer speaks volumes to the amount of things we have going on.
I cannot wait until things settle down a bit and we get our lives back.
During this past month, I have dedicated an incredible amount of time to my school work, and feel as though I have neglected myself in the process. There has not been much of a conscious effort made in promoting weight loss through healthy eating or exercise, although I do dedicate an enormous amount of time thinking about it. If only the pounds would drop through mental telepathy, I'd be golden!
I'm not going to consider this a complete wash however, because along with this thinking, I've been doing more research in the way of healthy recipes, exercise information, and of course, weight loss blogs from people who have successfully lost close to or over 100 lbs. I am beyond inspired and have taken much away from each of their stories - especially the reoccurring theme that there is no magic behind weight loss - and relatively speaking, diets that are too restrictive do not work long term.
Of course, I know this already but it is comforting to hear the words of those that have trudged this path before me that it can be done, and small changes do add up to big results. Patience needs to become a friend though this journey. Without it, frustration will prevail and failure is sure to follow.
I have decided that I am not going to continue with this old blog any longer, but will start fresh with a new one. It's time for a clean slate, a new format and some serious accountability about this weight loss venture. I have been struggling horribly and I feel like I have used this particular blog as more of a venting board than anything. It's been a diary of sorts, but often I skirted the issues surrounding my weight problem with excuses, excuses and more excuses. I am not sure where I thought that was going to get me....
The light is at the end of the tunnel - I can see it....I have two whole months to dedicate entirely to me. This is a gift - a firm launching pad for me to jump from and start this venture with strong determination and a clear head.
I am more than ready.
My new blog will be launched July 1st. The name is TBD but here is the premise so far:
I am giving myself 100 weeks to lose 100 lbs.
In this blog, I will have the following:
Daily posts - even if I just pop in to say hello and say what kind of day I'm having
Weekly goals/challenges
Healthy Recipes
Weekly weigh ins
Before pictures
Weekly/Monthly photo updates
Monthly measurements

Not sure what else......

I will be sure to post the new blog address as soon as I have it worked out....Until then, Happy Summer!

Back from the brink...

So yesterday's post was pretty freaking depressing, wasn't it?
I can't really apologize for it because it was how I was feeling at the time. Fatville is an odd place to live, and if you've never resided here, it might be hard for somebody to understand the huge swing in emotions that can occur from day to day....Sometimes I can deal with "being here" but for the most part I can't, and my blog posts reflect that. I sort of think of it as being stuck in a lease on a living space (my body) that I can't immediately get out of....but I do know that eventually that lease will be up and I can move on.
Yesterday it felt like I just told the landlord I am on my way out.....so now all I need to do is ride this lease out until I am free. It sounds kind of weird but hey, this is how my brain works. I am the queen of analogies!
I finally figured out how to post my weight stats (so much easier than I thought - duh!) so I will have a running tally going forward. Mostly likely I will do this on a weekly basis - or at least that's what I tell myself now. But I may do it more frequently, just to keep me accountable. I posted my weight again today because I was happy that I dropped 1 1/4 lbs since yesterday. 235 was SUCH an ugly number, I about cried. But it did force me to re-evaluate what the hell I was doing and I feel much better about the direction I am heading in today.
I have also been thinking (once again) about changing the name of the blog, or basically starting a brand new blog for this NEW commitment to weight loss.....I sort of hate to do it since this blog has my long history of trying to lose weight on it. But in a way, the blog title no longer pertains to my situation since I have gotten married and am in a new phase of life and maybe I need to start fresh.....(plus it reminds me that my journey from fat to fabulous before my big wedding day? Uh, it didn't exactly go down quite as planned....). Any thoughts from the peanut gallery on this one?
I'll mull it over a little while longer I guess unless someone wants to "weigh in" on what they think I should do...
Anyway, that's really all I have for now. Just wanted to confirm that I have not stuck my head in the gas oven or slept in my car with the motor running and garage door closed. These would be impossibilities for two reasons.   First of all, we don't have a gas oven or a garage, and second, I really do love life more than anything and would never even consider such a horrendous act against myself. I just want to feel good about myself again. I just want to feel normal for a change. Is that so wrong?

Fighting the ememy within....

How many times can a person start over without sounding like a broken record? Make that a broken record that's cried wolf one too many times.....
Even I am sick and tired of listening to the voices in my head saying "this is the day you will begin again...this is the day you will stick to your plan forever." And then, in like the next 10 minutes, I'm shoving my face with nachos and chocolate as if the promise I made was for somebody else....
I completely ignore any goal I have set for myself and chalk it up to, "Well, there's always tomorrow."
Except one day, there won't be a tomorrow. I will be so far gone that I will consider it impossible to reverse the damage I've done.....It will be one big fat friggin' ugly ass mess that I won't be able to clean up.
I really do not want to get to that stage, but I feel like I am already losing myself within this suffocating shell and I am so embarrassed that I want to just shut myself off from everyone.
It's already an uncomfortable place to be. I just don't want it to get any worse. But as I stepped on the scale this morning, I realized...it's getting worse.
It's no big secret that I haven't been myself lately. And really, it's no wonder. My weight (the highest EVER today) has put me in such a funk that all I can do is envision myself spiraling out of control in some dark abyss that appears to have no way out. The more I think about, the more anxious I become about it, and I find myself doing the one thing that got me here in the first place - I eat. And as I eat, I'm thinking about the fact that I shouldn't be eating what I am eating, and it just feels very much dysfunctional and unhealthy. Something has changed in me for the worse.
This time, it's bad. I have never felt this way before, and frankly it's a little scary.
But I know that there is a way out....I have seen other people get there. And I don't need special permission or a ticket to get there.....it is within my grasp.
Today started with a walk...I haven't done that in a few weeks and it felt good to get outside and do something for myself other than homework. I then went on CalorieCount.com and created a profile and set up my weight loss goals. I set a calorie limit of 1270 calories a day.....this is the plan.
However, it's only 3:32 PM and I only have about 400 calories left today.
I think I'm going to need to start eating a lot smarter.
I'll let you know how that goes.....it's a learning process. I may have lost weight in the past, but I feel like this time, it's a whole new beast to slay.
In this process, I'm trying to clear my head of all of the negative clutter I have going on up there right now. I remind myself that things, aside from the weight issue are damn good.
It's the vanity in me that has really gotten me down. I used to work in fashion for Christ sakes....now the only thing I am comfortable wearing are track pants and a T-shirt.
It's horrifying.
But I digress... (see how easily I can do that???)
I also need to remind myself that I can do things I never thought I could. And that includes weight loss. What I am realizing lately (especially with this math class I am taking) is that I CAN do the hard stuff. It may not be easy for me, but I do not have to be a failure!
Case in point, we took our second quiz on Thursday and I was relatively confident I had bombed it, especially after talking to some of my classmates after the test. When grades were finally posted today, I saw that I got a 90%. That is a solid B+.  I am achieving what I thought I couldn't do in this class, and I need to apply the same philosophy to my weight loss.
In short, I am just so damn tired of letting myself down in this area of my life. It is the one thing in my life at which I have not succeeded, but it is the thing I have wanted to succeed at the most.
That's a bitter pill to swallow.
BUT - I know I have it in me....I know I am stronger than this struggle.
I am not giving up.

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Christopher Robin

Does Not Compute!

It feels like I have been away from Blogland forever. This is always an indicator of how life is going for me while in hiatus mode. For the most part it means that I am busy as hell and have been eating like shit.
I can safely say, this is accurate on both accounts. Once again I am letting the stresses of life take their toll. And by stresses, I mean summer school, particularly. I'm taking two classes this summer - one that is especially daunting because it's math. Math and I don't get along. Learning alegbra and learning Chinese are one in the same to me. Both immensely difficult, and both seemingly impossible. However, learning Chinese would probably benefit me more in my elementary teaching career than algebra ever will. And yet each Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evenings from 6:00 -8:05 from May 19 - June 30, suffering through college algebra is my life.....
I shouldn't be complaining. I don't work and going to school has been my only real "job" since early 2009. Even still, I bitch about this class because by far it has been the hardest class I have had to date. The only one where I can say - I really don't get it....and that is a personal failure to me on some level (even though the final grade doesn't even count towards my graduate GPA because it is a pre-req class - I just need to pass).
I received the first B of my graduate school career last week on a test I took in algebra. Albeit, I received a 91%, but I am so much harder on myself this go-around with school than I ever was during my booze soaked days during my undergrad years.
Ah, maturity!
What I want to know is how I can be so hard on myself about my grades but not about my eating or exercise habits? What gives? I know I can be a hard ass about things - but for whatever reason, sticking to a diet plan isn't one of them. And although the math that proves diet + exercise = weight-loss is much easier to understand than my current algebra homework, I'm still not computing that either. (Sigh).
It's officially summer (as far as I'm concerned) and my recent trip the beach recently had me reeling because my body is, well, obviously less than ready for it. There are no big surprises here. After all, I have done nothing to prepare myself for bathing suit season. Fritos do not a beach body make, if ya know what I mean. A beached body, perhaps. But not a beach-body. As in beach-ready. I am not, in fact, ready for any kind of thigh or upper arm baring, yet the weather report tells me that Mother nature is indeed ready, so I best just put on my big-girl pants (and they are freaking BIG these days) and deal with it.
So, here it is.... another summer has arrived with a closet full of clothes that doesn't fit and I'm sitting here on my ass, ignoring the only solution to fix it.
I'm so tired of making excuses that I won't even go there today. I just can't.
I need to save whatever brain power I have left for that damn math class.

Let's try this again......

I don't want to get my hopes up but the sun is actually shining this morning (hallelujah!) and already I feel like a completely different person from yesterday. I realize that as of late, I have been more than a wee bit "doom and gloom" and I know I desperately need to work on that. I used to be so happy, but this being fat thing has really gotten the best of me. Negativity breeds negatively, and boy have I cornered the market on being Debbie Downer for quite some time. Is it any wonder the scale has been stalled at that ugly 230's number for months? I haven't done jack shit to change it.
But today, despite the forecast for rain later this evening, I am going to make a conscious effort to keep my chin up and make it a good day....and that means being on top of what I jam in my mouth.....trust me, I understand the past two nights of tacos, ice cream, and wine haven't done much to improve my situation. God, that doesn't even sound good when I write it....
But really, I can't just blame the tacos. Or the ice cream. Or the wine. It's all me. I haven't exercised beyond the walk here and there with Josh. As a mater of fact, I even skipped it today because I was working on homework this morning. I have become so good at making excuses about not exercising that even Josh has given up trying to persuade me that I need to do it. It's not worth the aggravation.
This, too, is all on me.
But looking outside today gives me hope, and of course reading others blogs also inspires me. There are so many people out there DOING IT...LOSING...TAKING CONTROL....I used to be one of those people and then something just happened.
I quit.
I haven't pin-pointed why that happened last year after the wedding but  I have theories. It is obvious that my dysfunctional relationship with food was never truly dissolved. I never learned how to let go of all the things that got me here in the first place. I still think of food as comfort, and I still somehow have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to eat what I want. Oh, what a fucking fallacy that is!
It's May already....well, it's almost the end of May, really. Summer is just about here and I know that this year I will not be embracing having to go through my summer clothes once again to rummage and find the few items that still fit. I have thought about this moment months ago; I have begged and pleaded with myself to make a change, and yet here it is.....truth time.
And the truth is, I need to start over.
Clean Slate.
New Beginning.
Today.

Rain, rain...you suck!

I am struggling....
Struggling with lack of motivation...struggling with guilt because I am unmotivated...struggling with berating myself for this lack of motivation....just your typical plain old struggling - except it feels kind of hard core. I don't feel like myself.
It has been raining for what feels like weeks on end. Yes, there have been intermittent bursts of what some might call sunshine, but for the most part April and May have been one gigantic annoying soak-fest. Meanwhile, Texas is in some horrific drought right now. What gives?
While there are no rain drops falling from the sky at this particular second, they are sure to come today. I have checked and re-checked the forecast. In the next 10 days, only Monday shows any chance for a day without rain.
Mother Nature must be going through "the change".  It's really the only excuse for this kind of shit.
I have whined and complained about how rainy days are super unmotivating for me, so to have 2 months jam packed with this type of weather has done little to kick my working out or healthier eating plan into gear.
However, I realize that is my fault, and my fault only. This is quite possibly the worst excuse I could have for not working out INSIDE MY HOME or trying to be a more conscious eater. Rain does not excuse bad behavior. It just doesn't. I know lots of people who push past those lame excuses (which I acknowledge it is) and just get their asses moving.
For them, shedding the fat wins out over inclement weather every time. I wish I was one of those people. Maybe some day I will be, but right now? It doesn't appear that I am. I have a dark cloud hanging over me, and it's not just the one outside right now...and I want it gone.
I know one part of it is that I have to get this room, my office space and one-time spare bedroom (which is being converted into a home gym) organized. Right now my treadmill is acting as hanger for my clean laundry and the seat of the recumbant bike has text books piled on it. The elliptical machine is jammed into a corner which is not conducive for exercise. How convenient.
So here's my plan....maybe this weekend, if I get my homework out of the way I can start to get this place in shape....and then maybe, just maybe, me getting in shape will follow suit.