Let's try this again......

I don't want to get my hopes up but the sun is actually shining this morning (hallelujah!) and already I feel like a completely different person from yesterday. I realize that as of late, I have been more than a wee bit "doom and gloom" and I know I desperately need to work on that. I used to be so happy, but this being fat thing has really gotten the best of me. Negativity breeds negatively, and boy have I cornered the market on being Debbie Downer for quite some time. Is it any wonder the scale has been stalled at that ugly 230's number for months? I haven't done jack shit to change it.
But today, despite the forecast for rain later this evening, I am going to make a conscious effort to keep my chin up and make it a good day....and that means being on top of what I jam in my mouth.....trust me, I understand the past two nights of tacos, ice cream, and wine haven't done much to improve my situation. God, that doesn't even sound good when I write it....
But really, I can't just blame the tacos. Or the ice cream. Or the wine. It's all me. I haven't exercised beyond the walk here and there with Josh. As a mater of fact, I even skipped it today because I was working on homework this morning. I have become so good at making excuses about not exercising that even Josh has given up trying to persuade me that I need to do it. It's not worth the aggravation.
This, too, is all on me.
But looking outside today gives me hope, and of course reading others blogs also inspires me. There are so many people out there DOING IT...LOSING...TAKING CONTROL....I used to be one of those people and then something just happened.
I quit.
I haven't pin-pointed why that happened last year after the wedding but  I have theories. It is obvious that my dysfunctional relationship with food was never truly dissolved. I never learned how to let go of all the things that got me here in the first place. I still think of food as comfort, and I still somehow have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to eat what I want. Oh, what a fucking fallacy that is!
It's May already....well, it's almost the end of May, really. Summer is just about here and I know that this year I will not be embracing having to go through my summer clothes once again to rummage and find the few items that still fit. I have thought about this moment months ago; I have begged and pleaded with myself to make a change, and yet here it is.....truth time.
And the truth is, I need to start over.
Clean Slate.
New Beginning.
Today.