Even I am sick and tired of listening to the voices in my head saying "this is the day you will begin again...this is the day you will stick to your plan forever." And then, in like the next 10 minutes, I'm shoving my face with nachos and chocolate as if the promise I made was for somebody else....
I completely ignore any goal I have set for myself and chalk it up to, "Well, there's always tomorrow."
Except one day, there won't be a tomorrow. I will be so far gone that I will consider it impossible to reverse the damage I've done.....It will be one big fat friggin' ugly ass mess that I won't be able to clean up.
I really do not want to get to that stage, but I feel like I am already losing myself within this suffocating shell and I am so embarrassed that I want to just shut myself off from everyone.
It's already an uncomfortable place to be. I just don't want it to get any worse. But as I stepped on the scale this morning, I realized...it's getting worse.
It's no big secret that I haven't been myself lately. And really, it's no wonder. My weight (the highest EVER today) has put me in such a funk that all I can do is envision myself spiraling out of control in some dark abyss that appears to have no way out. The more I think about, the more anxious I become about it, and I find myself doing the one thing that got me here in the first place - I eat. And as I eat, I'm thinking about the fact that I shouldn't be eating what I am eating, and it just feels very much dysfunctional and unhealthy. Something has changed in me for the worse.
This time, it's bad. I have never felt this way before, and frankly it's a little scary.
But I know that there is a way out....I have seen other people get there. And I don't need special permission or a ticket to get there.....it is within my grasp.
Today started with a walk...I haven't done that in a few weeks and it felt good to get outside and do something for myself other than homework. I then went on CalorieCount.com and created a profile and set up my weight loss goals. I set a calorie limit of 1270 calories a day.....this is the plan.
However, it's only 3:32 PM and I only have about 400 calories left today.
I think I'm going to need to start eating a lot smarter.
I'll let you know how that goes.....it's a learning process. I may have lost weight in the past, but I feel like this time, it's a whole new beast to slay.
In this process, I'm trying to clear my head of all of the negative clutter I have going on up there right now. I remind myself that things, aside from the weight issue are damn good.
It's the vanity in me that has really gotten me down. I used to work in fashion for Christ sakes....now the only thing I am comfortable wearing are track pants and a T-shirt.
It's horrifying.
But I digress... (see how easily I can do that???)
I also need to remind myself that I can do things I never thought I could. And that includes weight loss. What I am realizing lately (especially with this math class I am taking) is that I CAN do the hard stuff. It may not be easy for me, but I do not have to be a failure!
Case in point, we took our second quiz on Thursday and I was relatively confident I had bombed it, especially after talking to some of my classmates after the test. When grades were finally posted today, I saw that I got a 90%. That is a solid B+. I am achieving what I thought I couldn't do in this class, and I need to apply the same philosophy to my weight loss.
In short, I am just so damn tired of letting myself down in this area of my life. It is the one thing in my life at which I have not succeeded, but it is the thing I have wanted to succeed at the most.
That's a bitter pill to swallow.
BUT - I know I have it in me....I know I am stronger than this struggle.
I am not giving up.
“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Christopher Robin
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