It's another Friday morning - cloudy, dreary, and grey - just the type of weather that discourages me from wanting to put on my track pants and head outside. Seriously - where the hell is the nice spring weather? I'm waiting, Mr. Full Of Shit Groundhog. You may as well have seen your shadow for the type of weather we've been having lately.
Where is a day of 68 degrees and sunny when you need it?
But let's face it - if I am being honest it's more the pain in my knee that is really deterring me from heading outside this morning. It's not raining - it's just not sunny and sun is certainly not a requirement for going outside to exercise, is it? It's not that I can't walk, mind you - but more often than not, after I get home from a 2-miler with the hubs and the dogs, my knees feel like they have blown up to twice their size and the tightness and pain are real motivator-killers for any further hustle-my-ass-type movement throughout the day.
And today - I MUST clean this house. Top to bottom. It's spring cleaning day even if the stupid groundhog doesn't know it.
The true bitch of it is, is that I know I absolutely need to get my ass in motion. Staying stationary is not an option. Yet, when I do go the distance, I end up feeling like crap....it's a total catch 22.
Knowing the only way the pain will go away permanently is to endure it for a while in the beginning stages of this new attempt at losing weight isn't exactly encouraging ( apparently I have a low threshold for pain and although I am quite familiar with the old adage - no pain, no gain - I don't necessarily embrace it the way I probably should)....I need to find something that is going to alleviate my fabulous arthritis so that I feel better about walking....and I mean walking for weight loss - not a trip around the block.
A girl can only take so many Alleve before a bleeding stomach becomes the next big issue.....and Lord knows I don't need anything else to derail me.
In happier news....
I have found yet another inspiring blog called Fat Girl Dives In at http://fatgirldivesin.blogspot.com
This was discovered through the other new blog I have fallen in love with - Bigger Than My Body at http://cryswwjourney.blogspot.com
It is so amazing to read other people's posts and hear your own voice in what others write about their struggles to shed the pounds...there are so many similar themes - body pain, nothing to wear, fear of a class reunion, falling off the wagon, fighting cravings, disappointment in failure, joy in having even the smallest successes, surprises on the scale, serious self-reflection - and countless others.
I think in many ways, those of us who are on a weight loss journey - and especially those who choose to share their journey publicly - even if it is with a small circle of friends and family (and yes, blog families count ) - know ourselves in a way most people do not. By that, I mean we reflect on our lives - our choices, our mistakes, our triumphs, our feelings - every single day. We have to. And, maybe I am way off base here, but I am not sure that many people do this on a daily basis. As individuals on a weight loss journey, no matter how long the journey may be, we feel accountable for all of our actions because many of our actions throughout the day are associated with weight loss. We think in terms of whether or not what we did will help us lose weight or gain weight. Eating out, exercising, not exercising, hanging with friends and family, traveling, work stress, life - it all boils down to how much we eat, what we eat, how we eat (consciously, or unconsciously), when we eat - yadda, yadda, yadda. You know what I'm saying.
Seriously - what "normal sized" people do you know that do this?
I have a what seems like a million conversations with myself each day as I am getting dressed. What will look best? What is too tight? Can you see my back fat through this top? Remember when this was actually loose on you last year? Where the hell are my Spanx?
The day I no longer have to have an inner monologue about my wardrobe each day will be so freaking sweet. That in itself is reason enough to get this weight off as far as I'm concerned.
The thing is, I realize that this "self-evaluation" is going to be an ongoing thing - most likely for the rest of my life. I don't know that I can just drop it just as soon as the weight comes off.
And in a way - it's kind of good. It keeps me accountable, whether I'm good or bad. And trust me when I say - bad has been ruling out over good lately.
After all, I'm not staring at myself in the mirror each day wondering how the hell I got to be 230-some pounds. This is not some big mystery. It has a name. It's called Gluttony.
And I am breaking up with this bastard once and for all.
In the end, I know my life doesn't have to be ruled by my bad habits, so recommitting to embracing a healthier me has been a step in the right direction. So, despite the pain in my knees (and the dreary, grey sky), I am getting my ass outside today for a nice long walk. And maybe today can be a day to celebrate a small success instead of regretting a small failure.
Thanks for the shout out! You can totally do this. It's hard as hell at first but the pain goes away (eventually) and leads to strange feelings like strength and pride :) You are right that staying stationary is not an option but you don't have to do it all at once. My trainer would say to start with 10 minutes. Anyone can do anything for 10 minutes!
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