Ah, yes....springtime. And for the first time in months, it actually FEELS like spring....birds are chirping, temps are above 50 degrees and April showers are sprinkling liberally down from the sky, allegedly in preparation of bringing those long sought-after May flowers. There's something else though that spring brings, in addition to a muddy backyard and the constant need for an umbrella. It brings panic....at least it does to this girl who has been doing nothing much, other than packing on the pounds all winter long.
It seems like year after year has gone by and here I sit with the same issues, same gripes, same disappointments. But at least last year I was on my way to doing something about it. If it hadn't been for the wedding, who knows where my weight would be....I see the damage I've done since October and it ain't pretty, that's for sure. And now all it's left me is with this pissed off feeling and nagging thoughts of "Why did you quit??? You were getting there!!! Why can't you ever follow through on anything you start???"
I know last week I was all about changing the 'tude - and I still am, but I have my moments where I think about the past and would give my eye teeth to be back to where I was last April - at about 208 pounds. It KILLS me that in the Chutes and Ladders game of weight loss, I feel like I am always landing on the slides that drop me back about 1,000 paces.
I took a survey on CalorieCounter.com today that revealed (ta-da!) that I am an an "Overeater". Well, no shit. I could have told them that. As a matter of fact, last night as Josh cooked and put together our dinner plates and mine matched his, portion for portion - I was thinking the very same thing. Rochelle - you CANNOT eat all of this food. You SHOULD NOT eat all of this food. But if you don't get it off your plate, right now, BEFORE you sit down to eat - you WILL eat it all.
And you know what? I did. And I felt fucking disgusting afterward.
The continuous nasty fried onion-laced meatloaf burps don't lie - it was waaaaaay too much food for a girl like me and I felt more like Jabba the Hut after I finished my meal than I have in a while. I am sure if my gallbladder could have bitch-slapped me, it would have.
But did that stop me from fantasizing (and I do mean fantasizing) about my Slim-A-Bear Klondike I knew I would have just as soon as I felt, um, "less full"???
Hell to the no.
Several things flash through my head today as I sit and write this (while eating the most sour apple I have ever come across - it's my penance for last night's suppertime sin). Firstly, I realized that I still don't have this mind over matter thing down and I am not sure when that part of it is going to click for me. Yes, I realize I keep talking about it and I sound like a stupid broken record, but the more I think about it (and realize that it has become a common theme in my blog), it makes sense that it's something that is very much holding me back from weight loss success. If I thought getting into the groove of exercise was hard, this may be harder. I think this "mind over matter" concept may prove to be the most difficult and I fear that if I can't wrap my little pea brain around that aspect of losing weight, the rest is going to be damn near impossible.
The problem is I try never to think about eating when I am eating. Isn't that asinine?
Even when I am eating for pleasure (which, hell, is pretty much always) I don't know how much "pleasure" I am truly getting out of it because I think the food just gets shoveled in without a whole lot of thought. Sure, I taste it but it seems like such a fleeting moment and then it's gone and I am looking for more...
I don't know what void I am trying to fill and it's one of those things that can drive a person nuts. If I could just get to the bottom of WHY I think I need so much food. I used to think it was all about finding a guy but now that I have Josh, I need to rule that excuse out.
So what the hell is it?
Why do I put the blinders on when I eat? I could have very easily taken off half the food on my plate last night and it would have been a perfectly respectable (and healthy dinner). Meatloaf, broccoli, carrots, and a sweet potato. Then came the homemade bread with herbed butter.....oh, and the carrots weren't exactly virgin either - they were soaked in a brown sugar and butter bath that would have made Paula Dean proud.
The thought of doing a Nutri-System type program doesn't appeal to me (Sheryl has been trying to get me to try her HMR stuff from her workplace) but I am beginning to think this isn't going to happen on my own. I am not afraid to ask for help, but I am so damn disgusted over the fact that I apparently refuse to help myself.
Every day I get up feeling like I am starting over - it's a new day and a clean slate. But, I have to wonder - Is it really considered "starting over" if you haven't even truly begun????
So, here I am again today - April 5, 2011 - back to the idea of calorie counting....1229 calories a day. It ain't much. But it's a start.
Today's weight: 232 lbs
Pounds left to lose: 102
Days on program: 1
Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right.
~Henry Ford
I could have totally written this post. I was looking through some picture from college to hang and I remember thinking I was the fastest person ever. I was 195 lbs, a size 14 and I would kill a bunny rabbit to be back there. Just serves a reminder to be more in the moment. We'll never be our ideal anything, but there's something to enjoying it because it could be worse.
ReplyDeleteLove your thoughts on intuitive eating. It's a crock. I will say though, there was a time that the guilt wouldn't set it in until after I ate. Now it sets in for me usually when I'm browsing the menu, while I'm chewing and it makes the food lumpy going down... It just doesn't stop me.
Thanks for stopping by and I'm looking forward to following your journey.