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Monday, May 10, 2010

Walking Down Memory Lane


Exactly one year and four days ago, I started blogging about my weight loss attempt so that, in theory, for fear of public humiliation, I'd be forced to do something about the rapid expansion of my ass prior to getting married this fall. At the time I started blogging, I had no idea when my wedding date was going to be, and in addition, had no idea as to how truly unmotivated I was to shed the pounds. When I began writing, I felt as thought by making public my efforts at weight loss, I'd be more likely to do the work necessary to get fit 'n' trim once and for all. It's amazing just how delusional I was in the beginning. I never realized just how buddy buddy me and my fat had become.
Make no mistake - It's not that I didn't want to lose weight. That desire has been there since I was a teenager. In the past, though, the big motivator to slim down was never really for me personally - it was so that guys would find me attractive. It was my belief in my late teens, 20's and early 30's that the size of my ass was what stood between me and my true happiness. I placed such a focus on getting in shape for everyone OTHER than myself, no wonder I failed time and time again.
This time around, I already landed the man. Doing it for me was supposed to be the only other option - but I think I made the mistake of focusing more on losing weight for the wedding rather than placing myself and ultimately, my health, in the spotlight. Again, it failed. 
That is, until February 20, when I made the commitment to both Josh and myself that I would honestly, truly and sincerely do it this time. And you know what? It worked!
Last year at this time I was frantically yanking every item of clothing I owned out of my drawers and closets, spewing curses like a demon during an exorcism. Panicked distress cries could be heard for miles as I tried on item after item, only to find them unzippable, unbuttonable, and with that said, obviously unwearable. I stood teary eyed in front of the full length mirror, ashamed I had let myself and my love of all things fatty and fried take over and reduce me to such a blubbery mess. Josh may have loved me with all his heart at that moment, but the truth was, I did not love myself.
I remember vividly what 230 pounds feels like on a 5' 0" frame. It sucks - more than you know. There isn't a bone that doesn't creak, a joint that doesn't hurt and there sure isn't an ounce of confidence to be found. That girl that started this blog a little more than a year ago was in really bad fucking shape. And that shape was ROUND.
Thankfully, something finally clicked. Or I assume it did. People talk about their "rock bottom" like it's a concrete thing they can identify as the catalyst to their weight loss. Personally, I feel like I've experienced a hundred "rock bottoms" -  moments in time that I identified as my lowest, most emotionally draining points in life in direct relation to being overweight. But ironically enough, none of them really seemed to make the impact on me that one would expect they would. I'd go all half cocked on some weight loss regimen only to abandon it a few weeks later and pack the pounds back on that I had just lost.....what a vicious cycle.
If I have to credit anything, or anyone with inspiring me to lose weight for me, for good, this time, it of course would be Josh. He not only supported me emotionally, but also physically too, because he did the hard work with me - and then some! He has without a doubt worked harder at this than I ever could and the results are phenomenal. Who's going to argue with a 65 lb loss in less than 3 months? It's unfuckingbelievable! He is a new man and I am so stinking proud of him.
But today I hit my own mini-goal - 10% of my weight has now been lost. And I have no intention of finding it ever again. My weight today is 203.2 lbs and since Feb 20, I have lost 22.8 lbs. However, to put my earlier lack of motivation into perspective for you, since I began this blog last year, I have lost a total of 26.8 lbs - meaning the bulk of my weight loss has come only in the last 2 1/2 months. 
Denial - it ain't just a river in Egypt, people. And I sure as hell has some serious issues with it by looking at those numbers.
It would appear that for a good 9 1/2 months, I talked about, blogged about and pretended to try to lose weight. I boo-hooed when I drank my face off and ate cake and enchiladas and didn't see the scale budge. Seriously - what was I smoking? What did I think was going to make the scale move? The hand of God?
My friend Sheryl was the only one that ever called me on my shit regarding the blog. She told me I was writing all this smack about attempting to lose weight but in reality all I was doing was making a whole lot of pathetic excuses as to why it wasn't happening. I'll admit - that stung a bit. But, she was absolutely right. Despite wanting to perhaps hear someone tell me it was Ok to eat crap and I should learn to love the skin I was in  - that's not what I needed. I needed a frank talking to from someone who had my best interests at heart,  and that came from Sheryl. After all, Josh loved me no matter what and he wasn't going to tell me something he knew might upset me. Plus, if I was unhealthy, that gave him free license to be unhealthy too. I was hurting us both. I recall thinking, why can't I just be happy with the fact that we are two foodies in love and and let this obsession with my thunder thighs go? (Never mind the fact I was so uncomfortable I couldn't breathe). However, Sheryl knew me better than that. I remember my initial "well, fuck you, too" attitude after she wrote me an e-mail about her concerns but then realized the only reason I was pissed off was because everything she said was (gasp!) true. 
Josh eventually recognized it too. I think I must have complained a lot, and was miserable a lot because come February as the scale creeped back up to 228, and the evil repercussions of Christmas indulgence lingered into the new year, I was probably not a very fun person to be living with at that moment in time. 
Enter Josh's  Weight Watchers suggestion and instead of cutting it down like I had done every time Sheryl mentioned it previously, I thought, "Ok - Why the hell not?" And so, here I am - 5 months away from donning the Great White and already almost 23 pounds down. If I keep it up at this pace, I can be another 40 lbs thinner by the time I say "I do!"
While it may be short of my 90 lb loss goal that I set last year, I will be beyond happy if I get within 30 pounds of it. Because in the end, I have done it not only for the wedding, but this time, I have truly done it for myself so that I can lead a long, happy & healthy life with the man that I love. And really? Isn't that motivation enough?







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