I'm on Fire!

I'm not sure when I came to the conclusion that DIYing practically my whole freaking wedding was a good idea but I am curious as to why those who knew this was going on have yet to physically come to my house to restrain me and stage a Marthavention????

I think, with just shy of 4 months to go that I have really lost my damn marbles. 

While I've never been what one might describe as a simple person and have never been one to shy away from decorating projects (ask my roommate and friends who helped hang 100+ snowflakes from my apartment ceiling for a Christmas party a few years back), this time, I may have gone more than a little apeshit. I found out very quickly just how easy it is to do....

I'm on fire, people and I'm just getting started! I have ideas coming to me at all hours of the day and my frightening obsession searching the internet regarding all things bridal only helps to fuel the DIY flame....

Who the hell is this lunatic I've become? And can I get my own show on the WE channel?

The list of projects I have committed to seems to grow each day with the lure of saving money and adding that "personal touch" which, at the end of day, we know is total bullshit because let's face it:

#1) it really doesn't end up saving me all that much and 

#2) Do people even give a rats ass about "personalization" at a wedding as long as you supply them with a limitless supply of top shelf booze?

Uh - Hells no.

However, I shall not be deterred! So far my list of DIY projects includes (but is not limited to):

Pomander balls for the ceremony (oh so time consuming)

Pom Poms 

Table #'s

Centerpieces

All other decorations (of which there are many)

Favors

Escort Cards

Invitations & Reply Cards

Programs

Bathroom Baskets

Have I missed anything?

Oh - that's right - we're writing our own vows too.....

Sweet Jesus & Mary, have I gone mad?

After the wedding, I may be inclined to launch my own website called DDIY....DON'T Do It Yourself....Unless You're A Freaking Sadist. Or You Have A Shit Ton of Free Time On Your Hands And A Big Ass Glue Gun. Oh, And An Endless Cash Flow.

I, have none of those things, so I guess that just makes me a freaking sadist.

My biggest issue right now is that my summer class is rather intense and somewhat time consuming (then again, so is blogging - duh! Well, minus the intense part...). I suppose this is where my time management skills should kick in, if I had any.....which I don't.

Last night I had what I would by all definitions call a nightmare, where my wedding decorations that I had painstakingly planned out got taken over by my florist who proceeded to make the reception venue look something akin to a Red Hat Society function. In my nightmare, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, especially when I saw the red satin table cloths and red beaded flowers at each table setting, along with purple lace "accents" and worst of all - my manzanita branches were nowhere to be found.....The Horror!

I'm not surprised I had this awful dream , as I have been paranoid about my florist from the get go. I think he has essentially ignored all of my ideas but has more or less pushed his preferences on me....I'm not good at dealing with pushy people and he's one of them. I don't think he's really into the DIY bride and despite the flowers not being the central part of the decorations, I still want the bouquets and everything  that is floral to be pretty.....and of course coordinated with the color scheme (which may have changed a few times over the course of the planning - sue me).

I have been avoiding e-mailing him about the fact that the flowers we had agreed on (which were primarily gem tones and did have some purple and red elements - YIKES!!!!) are now no longer appropriate since I found non-solid linens (stripes = more "beachy" feel) so I am yet AGAIN changing my mind about what I want.

I know this guy is probably going to tell my Bridezilla ass I am shit out of luck, but I am secretly hoping that's not the case and it's not too late to change the floral color scheme....

I haven't really signed anything yet but have given him a $500.00 retainer.....

Guess I should probably let him know my plans sooner rather than later. The sooner I do it, the less nightmares I'll have and frankly, I can't take another doozie like I had last night.

Ending this post on a high note, I am 1 pound away from reaching the 200 lb mark! I was 201 this AM, and hoping by the weekend, I can get below 200.....

That means no Slim-A-Bear Klondikes and (even more sadly) no mojitos......

But with the official onset of summer just a few days away, I am more than willing to make the sacrifice!

Some things just aren't meant to be fat free....

You know what one of the most depressing things is about dieting?

Using fat free half & half.

That shit tastes NOTHING like the real thing.

And from a self proclaimed coffee junkie's point of view, it can kill your morning caffeinated cocktail in just one little pour.

My relationship with coffee's better half (and half) hasn't been an easy one. It all started when I developed a taste for "coffee" by going to Dunkin Donuts where I proceeded to order my coffee with cream and sugar. If I had to give an educated guess, I'd venture to say the coffee to cream ratio is about 1:1 when you order it that way. In other words, the beverage is damn near white in color. Hot milk, if you will, with a splash of something that may or may not have been picked by Juan Valdez. Add in the 5 lb bag or so of sugar they like to toss in there and you've got yourself a sugary, creamy scalding hot treat that someone had the balls to pass off as coffee. I used to enjoy this beverage at least once a day.

Knock Knock....Are we still wondering how I reached 232 lbs?

All I can say is, thank the Lord for the invention of Splenda..... barring, of course, any study that comes out in the future linking it directly to some hideous form of cancer. 

The truth is, I've gone steady and broken up with half & half many times throughout my life, dumping it like a bad habit (which it was) whenever I was trying to lose weight. This time around, on Weight Watchers attempt #562, I decided I would try to keep it incorporated in my diet since 2 Tbsp is worth only 1 measly point. 

That's all well and good when you have 26 points in the day to play with, as I did when I began the program in February. It never infringed on consuming other foods so I really didn't mind giving up the point in order to drink my coffee the way I enjoyed it best.

But since then, due to my weight loss (and hey, I'm not complaining!) I have dropped to an allotment of 24 points per day. And while 2 points doesn't sound like a lot for those that don't speak WeightWatchers-ese, it's a kings freaking ransom.

Or at the very least, it's a Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwich, which, when you're dieting,  is essentially as valuable, not to mention as strongly desired, as a king's freaking ransom.

So, I've begun to juggle my points and figure out how I can get the most bang for my buck so to speak, for my points expenditure. I've had to take into account, I usually like to have my dessert fix somewhere in the day and am less likely to give that up than anything else. Using half and half just doesn't seem worth the point anymore.

Or so I thought - until I decided to end things with Cream and try to establish a love affair with Land o' Lakes Fat Free Half and Half.  Let's just say it left me feeling.....well, unsatisfied.

My FMIL swears by the stuff and it's what she uses at her home and at the beach house so this isn't the first time I have consumed the stuff.  But I find I never enjoy my coffee quite like I do when I am using the real deal. 

I've toyed with the idea of drinking my coffee black, as I did when I was on the South Beach Diet - but I remember after a month or two of doing that it looked like I had a bad chewing tobacco habit, my teeth were so horribly stained. With the wedding coming up, a pearly smile is important to me and if I go the black route, I'd have to take stock in Crest White Strips. Frankly speaking, they're expensive and I'm unemployed, so it's safe to say that's not gonna happen. And that myth that once you go black, you never go back?  Not true. 

We're still talking about coffee here, right?

So, what's a java junkie to do?

Suck it up - that's what.......

I think back to the days when I didn't like beer. (I know, I know - insert laughter here).

I started by drinking half hard cider, half lager.....and then eventually grew to love....no, correction - FUCKING LOVE -  just beer. Again, this love contributed greatly to my weight issues, but thats not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is - for me, beer was an acquired taste and maybe that's the case with fat free half & half too. If I can go halvies for a week or so and gradually switch to all fat free, maybe, just maybe I'll learn to like it. 

And for zero points? It's worth a try.

Walking Down Memory Lane

Exactly one year and four days ago, I started blogging about my weight loss attempt so that, in theory, for fear of public humiliation, I'd be forced to do something about the rapid expansion of my ass prior to getting married this fall. At the time I started blogging, I had no idea when my wedding date was going to be, and in addition, had no idea as to how truly unmotivated I was to shed the pounds. When I began writing, I felt as thought by making public my efforts at weight loss, I'd be more likely to do the work necessary to get fit 'n' trim once and for all. It's amazing just how delusional I was in the beginning. I never realized just how buddy buddy me and my fat had become.

Make no mistake - It's not that I didn't want to lose weight. That desire has been there since I was a teenager. In the past, though, the big motivator to slim down was never really for me personally - it was so that guys would find me attractive. It was my belief in my late teens, 20's and early 30's that the size of my ass was what stood between me and my true happiness. I placed such a focus on getting in shape for everyone OTHER than myself, no wonder I failed time and time again.

This time around, I already landed the man. Doing it for me was supposed to be the only other option - but I think I made the mistake of focusing more on losing weight for the wedding rather than placing myself and ultimately, my health, in the spotlight. Again, it failed. 

That is, until February 20, when I made the commitment to both Josh and myself that I would honestly, truly and sincerely do it this time. And you know what? It worked!

Last year at this time I was frantically yanking every item of clothing I owned out of my drawers and closets, spewing curses like a demon during an exorcism. Panicked distress cries could be heard for miles as I tried on item after item, only to find them unzippable, unbuttonable, and with that said, obviously unwearable. I stood teary eyed in front of the full length mirror, ashamed I had let myself and my love of all things fatty and fried take over and reduce me to such a blubbery mess. Josh may have loved me with all his heart at that moment, but the truth was, I did not love myself.

I remember vividly what 230 pounds feels like on a 5' 0" frame. It sucks - more than you know. There isn't a bone that doesn't creak, a joint that doesn't hurt and there sure isn't an ounce of confidence to be found. That girl that started this blog a little more than a year ago was in really bad fucking shape. And that shape was ROUND.

Thankfully, something finally clicked. Or I assume it did. People talk about their "rock bottom" like it's a concrete thing they can identify as the catalyst to their weight loss. Personally, I feel like I've experienced a hundred "rock bottoms" -  moments in time that I identified as my lowest, most emotionally draining points in life in direct relation to being overweight. But ironically enough, none of them really seemed to make the impact on me that one would expect they would. I'd go all half cocked on some weight loss regimen only to abandon it a few weeks later and pack the pounds back on that I had just lost.....what a vicious cycle.

If I have to credit anything, or anyone with inspiring me to lose weight for me, for good, this time, it of course would be Josh. He not only supported me emotionally, but also physically too, because he did the hard work with me - and then some! He has without a doubt worked harder at this than I ever could and the results are phenomenal. Who's going to argue with a 65 lb loss in less than 3 months? It's unfuckingbelievable! He is a new man and I am so stinking proud of him.

But today I hit my own mini-goal - 10% of my weight has now been lost. And I have no intention of finding it ever again. My weight today is 203.2 lbs and since Feb 20, I have lost 22.8 lbs. However, to put my earlier lack of motivation into perspective for you, since I began this blog last year, I have lost a total of 26.8 lbs - meaning the bulk of my weight loss has come only in the last 2 1/2 months. 

Denial - it ain't just a river in Egypt, people. And I sure as hell has some serious issues with it by looking at those numbers.

It would appear that for a good 9 1/2 months, I talked about, blogged about and pretended to try to lose weight. I boo-hooed when I drank my face off and ate cake and enchiladas and didn't see the scale budge. Seriously - what was I smoking? What did I think was going to make the scale move? The hand of God?

My friend Sheryl was the only one that ever called me on my shit regarding the blog. She told me I was writing all this smack about attempting to lose weight but in reality all I was doing was making a whole lot of pathetic excuses as to why it wasn't happening. I'll admit - that stung a bit. But, she was absolutely right. Despite wanting to perhaps hear someone tell me it was Ok to eat crap and I should learn to love the skin I was in  - that's not what I needed. I needed a frank talking to from someone who had my best interests at heart,  and that came from Sheryl. After all, Josh loved me no matter what and he wasn't going to tell me something he knew might upset me. Plus, if I was unhealthy, that gave him free license to be unhealthy too. I was hurting us both. I recall thinking, why can't I just be happy with the fact that we are two foodies in love and and let this obsession with my thunder thighs go? (Never mind the fact I was so uncomfortable I couldn't breathe). However, Sheryl knew me better than that. I remember my initial "well, fuck you, too" attitude after she wrote me an e-mail about her concerns but then realized the only reason I was pissed off was because everything she said was (gasp!) true. 

Josh eventually recognized it too. I think I must have complained a lot, and was miserable a lot because come February as the scale creeped back up to 228, and the evil repercussions of Christmas indulgence lingered into the new year, I was probably not a very fun person to be living with at that moment in time. 

Enter Josh's  Weight Watchers suggestion and instead of cutting it down like I had done every time Sheryl mentioned it previously, I thought, "Ok - Why the hell not?" And so, here I am - 5 months away from donning the Great White and already almost 23 pounds down. If I keep it up at this pace, I can be another 40 lbs thinner by the time I say "I do!"

While it may be short of my 90 lb loss goal that I set last year, I will be beyond happy if I get within 30 pounds of it. Because in the end, I have done it not only for the wedding, but this time, I have truly done it for myself so that I can lead a long, happy & healthy life with the man that I love. And really? Isn't that motivation enough?