I am NOT a Bridezilla, I'm just confused.....

It's Thursday morning, just after 10:00 and although I should be reading the 9 chapters I was assigned for my class Tuesday night, I have wedding stuff on the brain and am finding it hard to concentrate. Part of me really wants to call my friend Val - the only bridesmaid I have right now that is still willing to talk wedding smack with me and not hate my guts for it. As for the rest of the girls, I'd be willing to bet they think I have become incredibly annoying, acting all bride-y and shit. Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to chat today and get the much needed phone therapy I desire. I have a doc appt at 2:00 and still need to work outbefore I go (although Josh and I did walk for 30 mins this AM in 22 degree weather....bbbrrrrr).

So, yes, it's true I'm having some issues with the bridesmaid dresses - as in I can't make a f-ing decision to save my life. The problem began back in the day when I started planning all of this stuff, I decided that I absolutely HAD to have silk shantung. It's shiny and rich looking, comes in amazing colors and photographs gorgeously. So what's the dealio, you ask? Um, it's a tad pricey.

And since I'm already asking people to travel far and wide and pay for overnight accommodations for a long weekend for this wedding, it seemed only fair to try and be as budget conscious about the dresses as possible. 

I've found a few that I thought would work but since I bought 144 teal votive candle holders, I am committed to teal as my color. But last night when my sister and Janet went to try on the dress that I thought would be "the one", let's just say it wasn't. The color was right but the style was all wrong. Suffice it to say I do not want my 7 bridesmaids to look like they are all with child. And that's precisely what this dress would do to them. And then they'd REALLY hate my guts.

So - on to plan B......find more teal dresses!!!! Preferably in taffeta....with the color erring on the dark side - in other words, not Miami Dolphins aqua.....

It is an October wedding after all - beach or no beach.

I told the girls I'd have my decision made last night and here I am, STILL all confused about what to do. I didn't dare e-mail them because #1, they are no doubt sick of my mass e-mails and #2 I am sure they are already talking crap about me anyway over this dress thing (hell, if I were them, I would). Josh has taken to calling me Bridezilla but I emphatically deny that I am anywhere near this level of pushy, bitchy, asshole brideness - I am NOT that bad. I just want what I want....and, I SUCK ass at making final choices. That doesn't make me a Bridezilla. What it does make me is irritating as all get out - but you know what? I can live with that.

Ultimately, to make matters simple, I could go with the Belsoie dress I originally had chosen but my sister revealed to me last night that it really wasn't her favorite and in all honesty, now that I have seen dresses on that have a fuller skirt, I tend to like that styling better.

Kill me now.

Are we beginning to understand why I eat?

Anyway, I'll get it all figured out eventually and I still have a bit of time to decide. I promise to not harass my b'maids until I do.

I'll give it some thought while I'm on the elliptical trainer.....

Off the Sauce

Oh glorious frigid Monday! 

I welcome you and your 16 degree temperature! You helped my body burn more calories on today's morning walk just to prevent me from turning into a human ice cube!

Hey - I'll take the calorie burn any way I can get it - even if it means subjecting myself to unbrrrrrlievably cold walks with Josh in the AM. 

I told you I was committed.

We've officially hit the 9 month mark here, people....there is NO messing around at this point.

I can feel the sand on my toes already.....aaaahhhhhhh. 

All in all, last week was a good one. I feel wildly rejuvenated in this new year/new me phase of life, and dare I say overly optimistic about what I can personally achieve in the next few months. I realized Josh and I will be getting our long overdue engagement session photos done in the early spring so I really have less time to get to what I feel is my comfort zone weight than I thought I did. At first I panicked but then, after chewing it over (did you know there are no calories in thoughts??), I just decided that I need to be even more focused and not let myself get lazy these next few months. With a dress coming in one size smaller, there is no wiggle room for lazy.

It's amazing that the no drinking policy I have enforced on myself is what is really bothering me this past week. I'm not saying I have an issue with alcohol (never mind bar photo above), but somehow watching the playoffs last night sans beer in hand, seemed a little - I dunno - wrong????

It's no exaggeration that since classes ended in the beginning of December, I may have partook in a bit more holiday cheer than let's say, the average elf, and while doing so completely ignored the fact that those Chelsea Sidecars I grew so fond of (damn you, Mr. Bostons Drink Guide), actually HAD (more than I care to know) calories in them! But, to be sure, by the time Josh and I were hanging our stockings by the (I wish) chimney with care on December 24, the affects of those oft ignored calories soon would be there. And by there, I mean nestled, all snug in my fat cells.....with visions of sugar plums, indeed. In fact, visions of ANYTHING with sugar, is more like it.

Bah Humbug I say!

So while my self inflicted sobriety streak is not my favorite part of this "lifestyle"plan, I feel it is a necessary one for now. And no, I don't need a 12 step program to help me through it, thanks.

With a loss of 1 and 1/2 lbs this week, I won't argue with results. And although it's not the kind of loss Josh usually experiences when he starts a health kick (uh, like 11 lbs in a week? I love him but SHIT!!! Come on!!! 11 freaking pounds?????), it is what my body feels I deserve and I won't complain. I look at it as a 1/2 lb more than what was on my list of goals. It is a positive - not a negative. I can keep this pace up. It doesn't scare me as much as hoping for a 2 lb or more loss every week and often being disappointed. The goal is 1 lb a week - anything more is a total bonus. 

This type of weigh loss plan is not only manageable, but it is also NOT overwhelming, which I think is key. After all, I certainly didn't feel like I killed myself this week to drop a pound and a half, but I was more conscious about portions and what I ate and of course then, there is the exercise. As much as I hate to say it, I do know in my heart of hearts that it is this element of the plan that is going to get me the results I want. (Sigh).

So, with that said, I have my walk in today but still need to get on the elliptical machine. One week in and I am not sick of it yet - it's a good sign!

I still have quite a bit of wedding stuff to tackle this week before school begins......but things are starting to take shape. Now only if my body will follow!

All I want for Christmas is my neck to reappear....

Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lange syne?

Seriously - what the hell does that song mean anyway?

If those old acquaintances should happen to refer to sugar, fat and flour and the ingredients of all of my favorite but unhealthy foods, then yes, indeed, they should be forgotten. And those days of auld lange syne? If they should happen to refer to the gluttonous feeding frenzies and alcohol indulgences of the past decade then, yes, they too should be kicked to the curb and the old memory bank cleared of them - permanently.

It's not only a new year, but it's also a new decade and the health kick promises of yore still ring as loudly in my ears as the clinking of champagne glasses from this past New Year's Eve....

Those last year resolutions, now embarrassingly referred to as my list of empty promises, have a way of making me feel like a failure - and for good reason.....

My Lord, what have I done to myself this past year?

All I can do is point to the above photograph and gasp in horror as I search in vain to find the place where my neck once resided.....

As one can easily see, it appears to have gone missing. I swear to God I used to have one.

It's no wonder why, so I won't bore you with the gory (albeit delicious) details. What I will say is this....only linebackers should be sporting the no neck look - not little 'ole 5' me.  

That picture is about as fat and fugly as I ever want to be captured in any digital capacity and I am so deeply disturbed by it and the triple chins it so grandly exposes that today is THE DAY I wholeheartedly vow to myself and the world to make them go away, and in turn, see if I can coax my neck back to it's rightful place (below just ONE chin, thanks).

The weight today after 2 cups of coffee, a lame attempt at a dump and several pees, is a very troubling 228.6.....

The holidaze chewed me up and spit me out like a bad fruit cake, and now it's time to repair the damage - and then some. So, being the new decade and all, I did dedicate some brain power to thinking seriously about some resolutions that I believe are both reasonable as well as doable....

Let's face it kids, with just about 39 weeks to the wedding, I can't afford to be in denial any longer. And with that triple chinned stranger staring back at me in that New Year's Eve photo, I realize losing myself this deeply is both a crying ass shame AND a huge problem -  and as we all know - only I can fix it.

So, welcome 2010 - the year of my wedding!!!!!!! I have a feeling you and I are going to end up liking each other alot. My goals for this year are:

• Lose 39 lbs before the wedding = 1 lb per week
• Stay away from all fried foods
• Limit refined carbs to twice a week - focus on lean meats, fruits and veggies
• No alcohol until March 17
• Exercise daily - even if it's only 10 minutes
• Strength train at least 3 times a week
• Find job
• Get large details finalized for wedding before school starts
• Learn to say NO more often
• Write regularly in blog
• Be happy with where I am in the moment
• Always remember my goals and reward each one met with some non-food pampering

Not insurmountable, right?

I know the writing is on the wall and the time to start is NOW - after all I ordered my dress one size smaller than recommended, so this is serious. I had to sign off on it to remove any responsibility or blame from the dress not fitting on the retailer. Time to prove I'm not insane. It's do or die and I KNOW I can do this..... 

If I am sure of anything, it is that there is no way in living hell that my wedding photos are going to feature multiple chins, ham hock arms and my dress exploding in the back....I refuse to be that bride. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I have a date with my elliptical trainer.