You can't handle the truth!!!!!

Happy Friday.

I know it's been a while....and that's because of a few reasons which I will get to in just a moment.

I will first start by saying it's been a hell of a week mainly due to school related issues. This semester's classes, or really just one of the two I am taking is a real bear and a half and is making me seriously question whether or not I am completely out of my mind trying to get into this whole teaching profession. The class tackles some very interesting and thought provoking material and truly challenges one's critical thinking skills but the professor is a complete brainiac and bottom line is, the class is difficult as shit but I really need an A which I fear will not be forthcoming.

I am also currently on a shitty generic form of birth control pills that my gyno recently revealed to me were legally not supposed to be released to the market just yet and there have been some, well, issues with it (um, whaaaat???). Basically it's been wreaking havoc on my system, making me think I was pregnant and then causing me to have 2 periods only 2 weeks apart - so now I just feel like I want to laugh, cry, kill people and eat chocolate all at the same time.

Don't even get me started about my wedding DJ issues....I can sum it up as follows: Food hoarding lesbian vs. poor man's Billy Dee Williams with flashing light maracas. Yikes.

So, yes, I'm kind of stressed to the max and instead of tackling the gigantic project I have to do for this class due on Thursday, I sit here hiding behind the safety and familiarity of writing my blog because at least that isn't being graded.....

Or is it?

One of the main reasons I haven't written in over a week, other than being buried eyeball deep in homework, is that I received some critical feedback this week from my BFF who wrote me a rather intense e-mail (in her words, out of love and concern) regarding both my weight issue as well as the fact my blog is peppered with a lot of excuses about why I haven't done anything about it. Ouch.

It made me re-evaluate the blog and openly acknowledge that it's pretty much become a venting board for me - sort of an online diary if you will - but one that originally had a goal set in mind and the subject matter I posted in this blog was intended to document the journey I was having in reaching that goal. 

Technically, I'm still doing that - however, "the journey" is basically synonymous with "my life" and, well, this is how my life is going. It hasn't exactly been butterflies and rainbows and happy little chirping birds as far as dropping pounds goes - obviously. 

In reality, it's sucked some serious ass.

There is nothing I would like more than with each post, to talk about how much weight I've lost and how great it's all going and how easy it's all been. But the truth is, it's NOT going that way - There HAVE been pitfalls - I DO make excuses - I DO try to work out and then get horribly sore - I DO eat some bad things. I fall off the wagon, repeatedly and HARD. 

Does that mean I don't want to lose weight? 

No - it just means I have a hard time doing the things I know I need to do in order to get there.

The point is, I know I am not alone on this. It doesn't make me a bad person because I haven't done the things I know I need to do; it's the fact that I haven't done them that's bad. There are plenty of people in the world who have the desire to lose weight that simply find it unbelievably difficult to do. Are we weak? Are we failures? What is it exactly that prevents us from reaching our goal (besides the pizza and beer?).

I suppose I sometimes inadvertently forget I invited others to take a look at this blog and make comments at will. The whole purpose of sharing is to get feedback, support and in theory, provide me with motivation to keep at it because I know others are rooting me on. But I guess the "rooting on" can only happen if I am doing what I said I was setting out to do.

Ultimately I know that this entire fat-shedding chore lies solely on me -  and it is me and only me that can dig deep inside myself to take the desire I know I have and put it into action in order to get this weight off.

All the people in the world can cheer me on, but if I don't physically take the necessary steps it takes in order to lose weight (eat better, exercise, see a doctor), it just ain't happenin'. 

I will admit that after reading Sheryl's e-mail I felt more like a failure than anything and seriously reconsidered taking the blog down and just writing privately, for myself. And then I thought about it some more and realized that when I began posting this blog, I was in essence signing up for scrutiny and understand that when you put yourself out there, you have to take the bad with the good. After all, if everyone told me I was doing great even though I was shoving my face full of Butterscotch Krimpets, what good would that do me?

At the end of the day, once the smoke cleared and the sting of the e-mail slap wore off, I started to seriously ponder the reasons why, after nearly 5 months of me writing this thing, I haven't really done anything significant in order to lose more than just 10 lbs?

(Weighing in at 221.25 this AM, by the way).

I am nowhere closer to the answers now than I was before but I have made a few strides in the right direction this week that I hope will point me where I need to go and lead me toward "the light" so to speak.

As for now, since I have put off my homework for far too long, I'll save the story of those positive strides for the next post. 

Stay tuned....

 

Gluteus MAXIMUS indeed!

Did you know that your ass is the largest muscle in the body? 

If you don't believe me, go ahead and Google it - or better yet - go and do the wedding workout DVD I did yesterday and you will arrive at the easy conclusion that the large body part that is throbbing and sore and following you everywhere you go is in fact your ass muscle and Christ Almighty you had no idea it covered this much of your body because, right now?  A whole hell of a lot of you hurts. That muscle is massive.

By the way, my thighs are not feeling the best they ever have either.....Holy Hamstrings!

Suffice it to say those Rodale peeps know what they're doing. If their main mission is to shed the ass and thigh fat of brides 'round the globe, I think they have the formula down pat...

Ouch.

While I may be in a bit of pain, I'm not totally incapacitated so I won't let the fact that every time I try to sit down it feels like my thigh muscles are ripping apart deter me from exercising today. I'm not saying I am going to do that video again today (because despite what people say about me, I am not insane). I do think my lower body needs to recover from yesterday's abuse, but I can still take a walk (even if I hobble) and tackle the upper body portion of the DVD today.....

Just don't expect an entry tomorrow since I am sure my arms will feel like lead balloons, rendering any typing ability I currently have to be useless. At least for 24 hours.

My hope is that by getting into an exercise habit that is varied and interesting (and that I can feel is working) will trigger healthier eating because I won't lie.....I continue (OBVIOUSLY) to struggle there. Badly.

I had a conversation with my friend Melissa the other day and we were talking about weight loss and the whole enigma surrounding why it's so hard to do this??? After all, we know what the downside of being overweight is and we both want to shed the poundage but something is preventing it from happening (I mean something other than the peanut M & M's I had before class last night). I'm talking about the mental click that needs to happen.

For whatever reason, I honestly do not think that "click" has happened to me yet and I cannot for the life of me figure out why?

There's a whole schpiel I could go into about body acceptance and yadda, yadda, yadda but I don't buy into it. I know there are women out there who are large and in charge and are genuinely ok with that. I just don't think I am one of them because I do have the desire to be thinner, I just don't know if I have the desire to get thinner.....and that is a huge problem.

Getting thinner takes a lot of hard work.

When I hurdle baby goals such as being in Target last night and picking up about 7 different bags of Halloween candy as I shopped but then putting them all back, I think to myself that I know I CAN do this and I DO have the willpower to say no to bad things. At times. Again, let's revisit the peanut M & M's I ate before class. They were a quick fix, tasted good but where did they get me?

There are many times when I don't say no when I know I should and those times seem to outweigh (by about 223.2 lbs) the good choices I make. I desperately need to reverse that behavior, but it's really fucking hard! 

Sheryl has been pushing the Weight Watchers thing on me lately (so much so that I secretly think she must be moonlighting for them) but it's 40 bucks a month and that's a lot for someone who is unemployed and planning a wedding. With every payment of WW dues I would be mentally racking up other things I could be doing with that money - so no, I don't think WW is the answer for me. At least not right now. Besides I have been there so many times and have all the tools at my finger tips that if I really wanted to do WW, I could follow it right here at home. 

I know that diet and exercise is really the only way this ass 'o' mine is going to shrink. It's not what I want to hear but I know it to be true and whether or not I choose to ignore it, that's the fact. I can't change it. I can bitch about it and complain and pretend God is playing a cruel joke on me, but I know the truth.....

Fat won't leave on it's own. You have to kick it out and fight with it until it gives up and goes away. It's a fight but I have no doubt that it's well worth it in the end.

I've decided I'm going wedding dress shopping the beginning of October (about 2 months ahead of my pre-planned schedule). I figure both the arrival of the one year mark as well as facing the Great White head on will maybe be the catalyst I have been searching for....

Only one way to find out.....

Sweat is a dirty word.....

Well, I know I'm out of shape but this is freaking ridiculous....

As I am sitting here typing this, I have rivers of sweat rolling down my chest and back and am pretty sure I smell on par with some sort of African wildebeest.

I should explain that it's not the typing activity that's got me all hot and sweaty - that would be pathetic.  But about 20 minutes ago I started doing Rodale's Wedding Workout for the lower body and ladies and gentleman, that shit kicked my ass.... and I wasn't even through 3 minutes of the cardio section. Now that is embarrassing.

I should have realized I wasn't up for the DVD's full kit and kaboodle when after only the warm up section, I felt like I had just run a half marathon. But I, brazen and bold, continued on to the lower body workout (not fully comprehending there was an additional cardio section following this particular round of thigh and ass torture) and suffice it to say it's been a hell of a long time since I have felt this sort of burn on certain parts of my body that this video touched upon today.

Sitting here at the safety of my laptop, I fear that if I start up the DVD again and attempt to finish this I may be incapacitated for the rest of the night, and since I have class, that would be a bad thing. 

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?

I doubt I'd even be able to finish it.....seriously - my legs are completely gelatinous at the moment. Attempting to perform a lunge or squat right now holds a good chance of landing me in the hospital, as any moves testing my balancing ability would without a doubt cause me to careen into the sharp cornered coffee table. Hello Concussion -  here I come!!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around why I chose this DVD over walking today. As Josh left for work this morning, in addition to his usual kiss goodbye, he gave me a verbal list of things he thought I should do today.

Not only should I have a good day (check!) but I should also get my reading done for school (check!), call the doctor (check!) and take a walk.....(Uh, whoops - no check???).

So after completing my philosophy reading which was a complete snoozefest, I figured I needed something to keep me from flat lining. It was at this time I recalled Josh's list and considered heading outside for my walk. 

Then I took a glimpse in the mirror.

A quick glance at my uncombed wild bird's nest hair, purple spandex shorts and ill fitting polyester lime green tank top caused me to re-evaluate my workout plan and I decided it might best serve the general public if I stayed in the privacy of my own home to exercise today.

That's when the wedding DVD caught my eye.....

My thighs are still begging for mercy.

But there is something good that came of this.....

I tried to exercise....relatively of my own free will. And I know that if I continue to do this daily it will get easier.

I'm holding fast at 223.6 lbs today and with less than 13 months to go until the wedding, I really don't have much of a choice. I will either be a fat bride or not but I know the choice is mine and mine alone.

So, beginning today, I exercise - whether it's 10 minutes or an hour and 10 minutes...I will do something. And I will try to keep it interesting.....and believe me, I am sure at the very least that I look rather interesting in some of these positions I have been forced to assume for these floor exercises. Me doing pelvic thrusts in purple spandex has no place in this universe....

Oh well....

It's almost time to attempt to climb the stairs and get into the shower.....the time to leave for class is fast approaching.

Legs, don't fail me now......

The camera kills.

For the love of God - I am so sick of seeing unflattering pictures of myself!!! Especially when they are posted on places such as Facebook by other people and the embarrassing broadcast of my triple chins and arm fat are completely out of my control. 

This latest freak out stems from a visit I paid to an old friend from high school over the weekend. She of course asked her husband to take a picture of the two of us together, for old times sake. Except for me, these aren't like old times; they're fatter times, and I'd rather forgo any unnecessary documentation of them, especially when positioned next to someone much thinner and way more athletic than I. 

Unfortunately, sometimes there is no polite way to get out of these photo op situations, so I tried to be as gracious as possible by sitting on the couch next to my friend to oblige her, as opposed to running out the front door, car keys in hand, screaming at the top of my lungs. 

It's bad enough I had to endure this photo session, but what made matters worse was that there was absolutely no opportunity to get up and readjust myself from the protruding belly fat position I was sitting in to make myself look thinner - even if only to smooth out a few obvious lumps. So, I sat, quite uncomfortably while trying to cover my gut with my hands and angle my head in a way I thought (or hoped) wouldn't make me resemble Jabba the Hut. Then I prayed for the best.

I can confidently say that my prayers were most definitely not answered. I can only assume God must have been on a bathroom break. 

While my face is all smiles on the outside, on the inside I am thinking to myself, get this shit over with already so I can steal your camera and destroy the evidence. And rightfully so. The picture reveals more chins than I care to note as well as my big 'ole bare arm which looks like I have a rubber band around my wrist -  which I do not. Meaning I have way too much arm chub for the size of my much smaller and daintier on the inside wrist bones to handle. 

The worst part is I have hunted high and low to find as flattering of a HEAD SHOT as humanly possible for my Facebook profile because no one in their right mind at 5' 0" and 222 lbs wants a full body shot for the world to see. Now, it's been spectacularly showcased on my profile page for me. Thanks so much, old friend.

I could just delete it I suppose. But then isn't that like running away from the problem at hand?

This IS the way I look after all. I can deny it all I want but the photos don't lie, no matter how hard I wish they would. I could post all the (what I deem) flattering head shots I want but the reality is that head in those shots is connected to something and that something happens to be my body. And my body happens to be, hello - that's right - FAT!

This is not new news here.

As always, this of course gets me thinking about my wedding day photos and how upset it would make me to look like this in them. I know there's no avoiding the camera that day so I better figure out how to make sure it looks like me wearing that white dress and not Jabba.

I have been back on my walking routine and trying to do at least 2 miles a day (6 laps around the town square). The ipod is charged and chock full of good work out tunes so I have some motivation there. It's amazing how good I feel after I walk but it's the actual getting out there that I sometimes struggle with. This computer has become such a distraction which is a tremendously lame excuse but right now, it's the only one I have. 

So, with that said, I suppose I should log off and get my day started. I'm at least on a healthy food kick today. Egg beaters with Weight Watchers shredded cheese and a 100 calorie english muffin with spray butter for breakfast which should last me for quite some time, given it was well protein packed.

I have to run to the grocery store later and am going to try very hard to stay away from all processed food this week.....sticking with whole foods and reducing carbs. 

That's about it....at least I feel good about having a plan. Now all I have to do is stick with it!!!!