Happy Friday.
I know it's been a while....and that's because of a few reasons which I will get to in just a moment.
I will first start by saying it's been a hell of a week mainly due to school related issues. This semester's classes, or really just one of the two I am taking is a real bear and a half and is making me seriously question whether or not I am completely out of my mind trying to get into this whole teaching profession. The class tackles some very interesting and thought provoking material and truly challenges one's critical thinking skills but the professor is a complete brainiac and bottom line is, the class is difficult as shit but I really need an A which I fear will not be forthcoming.
I am also currently on a shitty generic form of birth control pills that my gyno recently revealed to me were legally not supposed to be released to the market just yet and there have been some, well, issues with it (um, whaaaat???). Basically it's been wreaking havoc on my system, making me think I was pregnant and then causing me to have 2 periods only 2 weeks apart - so now I just feel like I want to laugh, cry, kill people and eat chocolate all at the same time.
Don't even get me started about my wedding DJ issues....I can sum it up as follows: Food hoarding lesbian vs. poor man's Billy Dee Williams with flashing light maracas. Yikes.
So, yes, I'm kind of stressed to the max and instead of tackling the gigantic project I have to do for this class due on Thursday, I sit here hiding behind the safety and familiarity of writing my blog because at least that isn't being graded.....
Or is it?
One of the main reasons I haven't written in over a week, other than being buried eyeball deep in homework, is that I received some critical feedback this week from my BFF who wrote me a rather intense e-mail (in her words, out of love and concern) regarding both my weight issue as well as the fact my blog is peppered with a lot of excuses about why I haven't done anything about it. Ouch.
It made me re-evaluate the blog and openly acknowledge that it's pretty much become a venting board for me - sort of an online diary if you will - but one that originally had a goal set in mind and the subject matter I posted in this blog was intended to document the journey I was having in reaching that goal.
Technically, I'm still doing that - however, "the journey" is basically synonymous with "my life" and, well, this is how my life is going. It hasn't exactly been butterflies and rainbows and happy little chirping birds as far as dropping pounds goes - obviously.
In reality, it's sucked some serious ass.
There is nothing I would like more than with each post, to talk about how much weight I've lost and how great it's all going and how easy it's all been. But the truth is, it's NOT going that way - There HAVE been pitfalls - I DO make excuses - I DO try to work out and then get horribly sore - I DO eat some bad things. I fall off the wagon, repeatedly and HARD.
Does that mean I don't want to lose weight?
No - it just means I have a hard time doing the things I know I need to do in order to get there.
The point is, I know I am not alone on this. It doesn't make me a bad person because I haven't done the things I know I need to do; it's the fact that I haven't done them that's bad. There are plenty of people in the world who have the desire to lose weight that simply find it unbelievably difficult to do. Are we weak? Are we failures? What is it exactly that prevents us from reaching our goal (besides the pizza and beer?).
I suppose I sometimes inadvertently forget I invited others to take a look at this blog and make comments at will. The whole purpose of sharing is to get feedback, support and in theory, provide me with motivation to keep at it because I know others are rooting me on. But I guess the "rooting on" can only happen if I am doing what I said I was setting out to do.
Ultimately I know that this entire fat-shedding chore lies solely on me - and it is me and only me that can dig deep inside myself to take the desire I know I have and put it into action in order to get this weight off.
All the people in the world can cheer me on, but if I don't physically take the necessary steps it takes in order to lose weight (eat better, exercise, see a doctor), it just ain't happenin'.
I will admit that after reading Sheryl's e-mail I felt more like a failure than anything and seriously reconsidered taking the blog down and just writing privately, for myself. And then I thought about it some more and realized that when I began posting this blog, I was in essence signing up for scrutiny and understand that when you put yourself out there, you have to take the bad with the good. After all, if everyone told me I was doing great even though I was shoving my face full of Butterscotch Krimpets, what good would that do me?
At the end of the day, once the smoke cleared and the sting of the e-mail slap wore off, I started to seriously ponder the reasons why, after nearly 5 months of me writing this thing, I haven't really done anything significant in order to lose more than just 10 lbs?
(Weighing in at 221.25 this AM, by the way).
I am nowhere closer to the answers now than I was before but I have made a few strides in the right direction this week that I hope will point me where I need to go and lead me toward "the light" so to speak.
As for now, since I have put off my homework for far too long, I'll save the story of those positive strides for the next post.
Stay tuned....
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