Say "YES" to the Dress!

If I had to sum up my wedding dress shopping experience in one word, I would have to say, "Surprising" fits it best.

Unbelievably, (and thankfully) it was not the horrendous train wreck I had previously imagined it would be.....

As a matter of fact, I had drummed up such a horrific scene in my head of being presented with a multitude of dresses I could only squeeze one of my ample thighs into, that my stomach was doing mini flip flops as I walked into that first store - Alfred Angleo.

I now realize that dread may have stemmed more from what I experienced on the outside of the store, more than anything that was to greet me inside. 

Allow mw to ask you this simple question: Have you ever wanted to beat the royal shit out of someone based on a simple comment you overheard them utter?

I sure have.....and I nearly did this past Saturday - even before I laid my eyes on a single shred of tulle, lace or shiny satin. 

You see, while I was standing outside in the freezing cold and rain, waiting for the store to open , an extremely boisterous, animated, and not to mention rail thin (and in my mimd desperate need of a cookie) group of women arrived and had to wait outside with me. The bride looked all of 20 years old if that (I was looking for a baby bump but could not detect one....which left me wondering why the hell anyone would want to get married so young??) and as the group peered into the front store window to get a peek at what was offered inside, I couldn't help but over hear the mother 'o' the bride commenting on two of the dresses that happened to be featured on plus sized mannequins.

Her gasp over how BIG the dress was ("Wow - that's a big mama dress" was her exact quote) and her comment about how the plus sized bridesmaid dress looked like a "big" maternity dress had me seeing red in less than 2 seconds flat. She must have used the word "big" 20 times, if she said it once. I was infuriated.

This woman is very lucky I didn't sit my "Big Mama" ass right on her.

It's amazing to me that I stood not 3 feet away from this woman with my obvious plus sized figure and still, she went off on a tangent about how bad these dresses looked - how BIG they looked. 

Well fuck you too, you flat chested insensitive toothpick.

Whew...ok - now that I got that off my (anything but flat) chest.......

Anyway - thankfully these close minded food-deprived trolls were no where near me as I tried on my dresses - or I'm pretty sure a bridal boxing match may have ensued. Or perhaps they were nearby but I was in my own sort of la la land  once I started trying on dress after dress that actually could close in the back and in some cases were even too big (what a feeling!). Granted, they may have been a size 22 but it's always nice to hear someone tell you something is way too big on you.....

Hoorah!

Overall, I have to say it was a bit of a surreal experience since I realized that I have never quite envisioned myself in a wedding dress. As I stared back at this person in the mirror with white fabric swirling around her, I felt like I was watching someone else......

Because this person, even though she was overweight, looked absolutely radiant in that dress.

I only went to two bridal shops on Saturday and at the second store I think I may have actually found "the one." It sounds so - I don't know -  Cliche??? Or maybe Gay????? (Really - I can't believe I actually cried a little). I don't mean I was weeping oceans of tears but I never believed all the hype and BS about crying over a dress and "knowing" when you find that right one....however, I hate to admit that all that sappy crap may actually be true! 

I think Val, out of any one I know, will love the fact I am admitting this....she is the one friend I have that truly believes in all things romance and fairytale-esque. Normally I gag at this sort of thing and she knows it, although she accuses me of being much more of a softie than I care to admit...

But this time, as much as it kills me, I may have to agree with her. This dress I found may be truly "magical." I LOVE it!!!!

I loved it so much I had to find out how many sizes they could go down since losing weight has now skyrocketed to the tippy top of my to-do list (not that it wasn't sort of there before but freaking-A, this is serious!) and I think I will be placing my order by the beginning of January to ensure I have a solid 9 months for delivery and alterations. 

So from now until then, I will be praying vehemently to the fat gods to help me shed this weight by keeping me far away from the Trick or Treat candy that's hiding in the big plastic cauldron downstairs and to get me through Thanksgiving and Christmas without becoming a stuffed turkey or Santa Claus look-a-like.

Now more than ever, I need to STAY ON TRACK. I know this year is going to fly by....I can't believe the end of October is already fast approaching. 

With only 353 days left to "git 'er done"......I need to fire up that metabolism and let the fat games begin!

Temptation is a bitch

Well, it's less than one year away from the wedding....(OMfreakingG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

After having that special little fact sink in over the weekend, I began to mentally tally all of the shit I still need to tackle for this momentous event and uh, started to panic.....just a wee bit.

Things are getting ticked off the list but I know there is so much more to do and there are a bazillion and one details  am sure I have not even thought of ..... I really need to get a move on, in more ways than one.

Thankfully we were able to agree on a DJ this weekend (yes, we opted to go with poor man's Billy Dee Williams who in real life looks more like Wayne Brady and is super nice, by the way) but we don't yet have a baker or a florist.....so those are next on the list. Except before I can see a florist, I have to 100% know my colors and have my dress picked out.....Ugh.

Next weekend I have committed myself to begin dress shopping......I do not anticipate it being the time of my life. But it will reinforce this diet I am on so that is a good thing. This week, being back at home should be easy in terms of sticking to the foods I can have since we pretty much have zero temptation in the house at the moment (if you don't count the salt water taffy I bought to practice making the favors)....Unlike at the beach where temptation lurks around every freaking corner. And I do mean EVERY FREAKING corner.

Food wise, this weekend wasn't bad per se - but I also wasn't what you'd call the perfect dieting saint. My saving grace was Mel, Josh's mom who came uber prepared with lots of salad fixin's, veggies, and yogurt, nuts & fruit. I made healthy turkey chili to take along and over the course of the weekend, ate a shit ton of fiber in the way of beans. Unfortunately, I did not pack the Beano.

Need I say more?

I would have to say that over the three days we were away, I did GREAT during breakfast and lunch -  but, I will admit I had a couple minor slips ups.....ironically enough, more with sugar than grains. I have been Ok with staying away from bread, baked goods, etc.....but candy and ice cream are like two monkeys on my back that are constantly calling to me - especially when I am within eye-shot of Candy Kitchen or Kohrs Brothers......it's really amazing just how strong the cravings are. It's like the power of 1,000 woman hardcore PMSing.....no lie.

So my f-ups over the course of the weekend were having a small twist cone of ice cream, 2 pieces of Delmonico (mocha) candy and a few spoonfuls of saffron rice......oh, and a couple of Josh's Thrasher Fries because he dumped a bucket full of malt vinegar on them and I about shoved them up my nostrils they smelled so good. It's hard to resist when the scent of the person's food right next to you keeps wafting in your face.

But I am not kicking myself too hard because overall, I know I ate well (I am taking this nutritionist advice seriously but I also recognize I am human). I also exercised a lot over the weekend, even ended up going to the gym with Mel where I did 1/2 hour on the elliptical trainer and burned 300 calories in a shot (and probably more because I did weight machines afterwards). We also walked our asses off (I wish!) and I had a relatively lengthy bike ride Sunday morning....

Oh - and I forgot the best part.....we received an early Christmas gift from Josh's parents - A Wii!!! And Wii fitness!!!.....so we spent hours playing (and finding out just how lamely uncoordinated & out of shape we are).....and I kid you not when I say our arms were actually sore the next day. Wii boxing rocks!

Anyhoo, long story short is that I am sticking to plan this week.....trying to figure meals ahead of time so there is no guess work in what to eat in turn ensuring less potential for falling off the wagon. I am 100% committed.

Today I have a ton of reading & homework to attend to and will head out for a walk a little later or when Josh gets home. I always feel so rejuvenated when I get back from the beach because we exercise so much more when we're there.....I just need to keep it going. Not always the easiest thing to do, especially on mornings when I just want to stay in my snuggly warm robe and curl up on the couch. However, since wearing the snuggly warm robe at the wedding is not an option, this type of behavior isn't doing me any favors so it's outside I go......chilly temps or not.

Overall, I am just hoping for a good week.....and let's face it, a good weigh in on Friday. And as long as I remember what my ultimate goal is, I am confident I can do it!!!

WTF????

Ok....so I am feeling kind of......pissed today.

And I think I know why......

My weigh in this AM revealed two things about this diet I am currently on.

#1 - It really sucks - and....

#2 - It isn't working quite as well as I'd hoped.

I'm not sure what I was expecting as I stepped on the scale this morning but whatever it was, it's not what I got.

On Monday I weighed in at 222.3 and today I am down to a whopping 222.....so what the hell is that all about? Seriously????

In addition to the lack of weight loss I feel kind of gassy, sort of constipated and overall just a wee bit bitchy so maybe it's PMS....or maybe I just want a fucking carbohydrate.

I've done these sort of low carb diets before and normally they work but this time around my body has decided to give me shit about denying it the worlds best foods.....or what I deem the world's best foods to be anyway.

I'm not sure what I can do besides keep plugging away and see what happens with in the next week. I just know that if I don't see results by next Friday, I am having some freaking pizza.

As far as I can tell, I have been pretty good with my eating....and I am even trying to stay away from sugar so that the fat I am consuming (in place of carbs) doesn't stick to my ass like glue. But maybe I need to completely cut it out all together???? 

I have no idea....the nutritionist didn't seem concerned about sugar, ironically enough. She was all about staying away from grains, rice, pasta, and flour. She told me I could have my Edie's Fruit Bars.....was I wrong then to assume a small square of dark chocolate was not allowed???

For the first time in my life I am actually confused about food. This is irritating because despite my size, I DO know my nutrition facts and I am an avid label reader. I'm not that clueless schmuck who thinks that getting a serving a dairy means going through the drive through at Wendy's and ordering up a Frosty....

I know that there are good fats and bad fats and eating avacado provides you with good fat but a Big Mac? Not so good....

I also know that a serving size of salad dressing is 2 Tbsp, not a 1/2 cup....(and I will say that although I know this fact, I have a hard time getting through a gigantic salad with a measly 2 Tbsp of dressing!!! So, I usually don't).

My head GETS what I am supposed to do here - so why is my body acting all confused?

Granted, I weighed in a day early and not that I think I am going to miraculously lose something like 10 lbs overnight - but maybe tomorrow morning will be better.

The thing is, I will be at the beach with no scale (for 3 days!!! Help!) and I am really, really, REALLY worried about being there with all of that temptation and being able to stay on track.

But, on the flip side of the coin, I realize the choice is mine and I am choosing to stay focused...

Tomorrow is one year and counting from my wedding day (hard to believe)...and I know that deep down, although the Kohr's Brother's soft serve ice cream and Fisher's caramel popcorn (oh, how I love you both so very, very much) may call my name louder than they ever have before, I will politely ignore their unrelenting pleas to be eaten and shove my face with lettuce instead.....or maybe an apple, since lettuce doesn't exactly travel well......

Anyway, week one down down.....who knows how many more to go???

All I know is I have 87 pounds worth of fat to shed......and I will do it.

Change is in the air!

A new week has begun!

It's a cool crisp Monday morning and I feel surprisingly rested and motivated to start the day and tackle the gagillion things I have on my to do list.

Maybe it's the start of a new season that has me so jazzed....I love the fall almost as much as I love the summer but in addition to cooler temperatures, nights by the fire pit and leaves cascading from the sky, there is, too, the temptation for comfort foods to become a part of the weekly dinner fare and that is the one reason to fear fall as much as I embrace it.

This fall however, I am forced to make some changes in my behavior that have been traditionally exercised as a welcome to autumn....

No more drinking vats of Octoberfest Ale, or making a pumpkin roll to have as a "just because" dessert. No warm loaves of bread to accompany a hot spicy bowl of steaming chili.....

These are things of the past.....at least for now.

This past Friday I had a visit to the nutritionist that my FMIL recommended. She was extremely expensive and by the end of the session didn't really tell me all that much that I didn't already know in terms of nutritional information. But she did provide me with a few key tidbits that have made me realize that this battle with weight loss can be won. 

Today I am a newly determined warrior ready to beat the ever loving crap out of my fat cells.....

Prepare to die (or at least shrink) you assholes.

Friday's appointment revealed some good and some bad things about my body. I was given a print out of my body mass test and I can assure you it wasn't the best news I have ever been given - but it also wasn't the worst.

In terms of good news, what I learned on Friday was that I have a surprisingly decent resting metabolism, meaning I can no longer blame my bulk on a sluggish calorie burn (damn). 

I also learned that despite my Stay Puff Marshmallow exterior, underneath it all, I am still a brick shit house as my mother calls me - meaning I have relatively decent lean muscle mass. As a matter of fact - my lean muscle mass numbers are smack dab in the middle of where they should be, so at least I am not all squishy fat with zero muscle tone underneath. The problem is, it needs to be excavated which is where I step in.

The bad news is that at 5'0", I am 52% fat with a BMI of 44 and that is horrendous. The morbid obesity diagnosis doesn't surprise me one bit, but to see it all printed out and handed to you by a woman with a 2" gap between her legs who has probably never experienced thigh rub in her life was, well, a bit embarrassing.

So I need to get down to 204 lbs before I am out of that "morbid" range which leaves me with just under 20 lbs to whittle down before I get there.

The nutritionist's scale had me at 225 on Friday afternoon and my scale says I am down to 222.3 this AM so that's a positive sign.

Diet wise, the news is grim. I have been put on a grain-free diet (the same one my FMIL was put on).....so the bread, pasta, flour, rice and all that carb-laden grainy goodness I love with a passion has been kicked to the curb until we find out if I actually have an insulin resistance.

She didn't specify sugar but by cutting out so much of that other bad stuff, it automatically gets significantly reduced. But until they tell me I have to give up my Edies Fruit Bars, I'm sticking with them as my dessert of choice. 80 calories and fabulous!

That doesn't mean I am going to eat shit like candy corn 'til the cows come home - I promise that I will choose my sugars wisely......

In addition to all of this nutritionist stuff, I am being given a battery of blood tests that will reveal a whole lot more and will determine what the actual doctor is going to tell me when I meet with him Nov 16. This is where it could get interesting.

I'm not hoping for anything bad but I AM curious what the blood tests will reveal, if anything.

Wouldn't it be a kick in the pants if absolutely NOTHING was wrong and it turns out I am just a big lazy fat ass?

I am not ruling this diagnosis out, you know.....

Whatever the case may be, the short of it is that meeting with the nutritionist gave me a new perspective on my situation, allowing me get some base line info so that I am able to refocus my efforts and get back on track....because we all know it's been a while.

The restrictive diet, while not my favorite, is a necessary evil. I'm happy I was put on it because it really makes me focus on what I put in my mouth as opposed to just shoving anything in that was within my grasp. Josh and I even went to Sonic over the weekend and I had a salad. Trust me when I say that prior to Friday, that shit would have NEVER happened!

But I am OK with all of it - the diet, the need to exercise, the change of season, and really, the change of life (and life-style).

The wedding is exactly one year and 4 days away......what better time to reveal the new me?