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Happy Sunny Tuesday!
Ah, the difference a day can make! Or maybe it's really about the difference a 45 minute walk can make. Apparently it can turn that shitty attitude I had yesterday into one of pure hope and determination - at least for today, anyway.
Perhaps I should exercise more often? Now there's a thought.
Also adding to my giddy glee is the fact I found out yesterday that the horrendous assignment I thought was due on Monday is actually just a skeleton version of the assignment - the real deal is due in 2 weeks - Whew! I feel like I just dodged a bullet. That means I might get to go see some friends from the old Easton office on Friday - if I get the rest of my crap done - of which there is plenty. I'm observing again on Thurs so we'll see - that really cuts into my homework time - I get so unmotivated to do anything after spending the day with 20 first graders....but it would be nice to get out for a bit and socialize with the girls (although I have slight guilt pangs for leaving Josh on a Friday night.....I mean, we ARE newlyweds.....).
I honestly don't have much to share today other than the scale seems to be holding steady this AM - even after my non-Weight Watchers endorsed peanut M & M dinner last night - a la vending machine. I knew that was going to happen and still didn't prepare for it. That old WW motto "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" is so true - and yet, I often ignore it's infinite wisdom. Why is that?
I'm not exactly sure why I didn't grab the yogurt and banana I had intended to take along with me last night - all I do know is that I didn't grab it and 250 calories and 13 grams of fat later, I was feeling the candy guilties big time (at least that bag contained 12 grams of protein - it's only redeeming value)....
This is such a vicious cycle with me. Again, it all boils down to mindful eating but obviously I have yet to master that concept. But I will....
On an high note, I found an awesome weight loss blog yesterday called Bigger Than My Body at http://cryswwjourney.blogspot.com and it is truly inspiring. I love the way this chick writes and can relate to everything she talks about in her blog.....it's a fun read so I decided to start back in her 2009 archives and read the blog in order. I get the feeling she has fallen off the WW wagon a few times too, and it is always comforting to read that other people share your same problems and share the same sentiments the way you do about being overweight. As I started to read it yesterday, I felt like I had just found a fantastic new book to read - it really got me hooked. I got a few posts read during the day while I should have been doing homework. I look forward to reading more today....
Well, that is really all I have for this morning....I'm happy I got up and moved my ass (despite my not really wanting to) and I'm happy I get to begin this day with a clean state and renewed sense of determination. Each day is chance to start again - each day will bring me closer to what I want if I just believe in myself.
The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination.
~Tommy Lasorda
Well put, Tommy. Well put.
Well, it's another Monday - another day of dread as I approach a week I am very much not looking forward to. My to do list is long already and it's not even 8:00 AM.
So much of my stress comes from disorganization and procrastination (and my innate ability to stretch out projects when I find them especially distasteful) and I often think that these issues can be tied to many of my weight loss issues too. When there is clutter around you, it is less motivating to work out - you feel like the chaos that surrounds you is the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's debilitating at times - just looking at my desk makes me want to scream. There are papers everywhere (right now it's holding the contents of 30 or more research articles I have recently had the displeasure of reading for my least favorite class Research and Methodology).
I cannot wait until May 3 which marks the end of this semester from hell. My first goal is for Josh and I to deconstruct the guest room/office and get it set up as our home gym.
At first I was upset that we were converting this room - that meant we'd only have one guest bedroom available for when people came over. Then I stopped to realize I was stupidly willing to put my exercise and life on hold to accommodate people 3 or 4 times over the course of the year instead of giving myself the gift of a home gym that I could access EVERY day of the year - how ridiculous! Sometimes my thinking is really ass backwards.
So the bed is going in the attic and I am going to clean this place from top to bottom so that I feel like I can breathe again. I have also been thinking seriously about trying my hand at yoga....but let's be clear - I am only in the thinking stage here....but I do think it might help me de-clutter my mind after I have finally de-cluttered this space.
I am pretty freaking jazzed about having a space that is dedicated for the most part to strictly exercise (I'll still have my desk in here).....And I am hoping I embrace it as much as I think I will. I am sure Josh will gently remind me if I don't.
This semester has been really difficult - and I think on some levels I am depressed about homework being the controlling factor of my life. There is SO MUCH WORK. Adding the observation hours has only added to the stress so again, May cannot come soon enough. Then again - I have always had excuses - haven't I? When I was working in NY, it was the commute - now it's school - next year it will be student teaching.
If I don't reach out to grab the brass ring this summer, I fear I will NEVER do it. And if one thing my observation hours have taught me is that school aged children are active and the way I feel right now, I will never keep up. So literally, it's do or die time. And I am not ready to die.
For the last several months I have felt chained to this damn desk and it's no wonder the scale hasn't exactly been my friend. Friday's weigh in was 231.25 - so one pound gone from the previous week. I will not jump for joy - but I will take it.
This week I really need to do some mindful eating (and get in my exercise which for whatever reason, always takes a back seat) because I have a lot going on and I know in times like these my tendency is to just grab whatever presents itself in front of me and chomp, chomp, chomp I go until I stop to realize that "thing" I just ate was a heaping spoon of Nutella, a sleeve of 1/2 stale crackers with honey (gross, I know), or 1/2 a bag of croutons.
I do have a few healthy meals lined up for the week (tilapia, stuffed peppers, & veggie stir fry) but it's those nights when I am at class where it's just me and the vending machine, that I need to be especially cautious.
I found a good article on mindful eating at http://www.prevention.com/health/weight-loss/success-stories/lose-weight-weight-loss-centers/article/1f70a3f65031c210VgnVCM10000030281eac____?cm_mmc=Spotlight%20Weight%20Loss-_-03282011-_-Weight%20Loss-_-Lose%20Without%20Even%20Trying
Interesting stuff.....
And if you read it, you will know that what they discuss is so not what I do.....usually.
But it does make sense and the first step is realizing just how UNmindful your eating is - and I think it has been clearly established that that is a huge chunk of my issues - pun intended.
I also just read an interesting article that said it is best to eat fruit while on an empty stomach....another thing I need to try. So this morning, I just had a banana by itself even before I drank my coffee. It seemed to quell the hunger for now - let's see how I do the rest of the morning. Worse case scenario is there is a Chobani yogurt downstairs that I know won't blow the morning calorie allotment if I eat it - I think it's about 140 or 160 calories. I really do dig me some Greek yogurt.
I will admit I haven't been stellar about counting calories this past week - again - I let other things take precedence (like my stupid research proposal and the other various assignments that have been occupying my every waking moment) so we'll see what this Friday brings me on the scale. Maybe if I blog regularly it will keep my head in check - remind me that I need to pay attention to my eating EVERYDAY - not just when the mood strikes or I happen to remember (which is usually when I put on pants and find - surprise surprise - that they are difficult to button). I just know I need to do some things that will shift my focus or open my eyes.....or maybe both. In other words, focus a little more on "Ohm".....and less on "Mmmmmmm"......
I'm eating a bowl of blueberries for breakfast....
That, my friends is what you call progress. I have officially decided to end my love affair with my gigantic (seemingly bottomless) bowl of Raisin Bran Extra I have become so infatuated with eating each morning, because I finally realized where all that "Extra" was going. (See pic from yesterday's post if you need clarification).
There is something about today that makes me feel like I am truly on the road to success. Granted it is only Day 2 of this re-dedication to my weight-loss journey, but I feel a little like I have been given a renewed sense of purpose, pride and strength and for whatever reason, I'm confident that I can do this.
Maybe it's because when I stepped on the scale this morning, it was moving in the right direction. I was at 232.25 today....a small gift from the fat gods for behaving yesterday, perhaps?
Or maybe it's because the sun in shining and it's the first day in a looooong time the temperature is going to hit near 70 degrees and the feeling of spring is in the air. It's been a long cold winter, that was filled with many days of eating comfort foods until my heart was content. Look at where that got me. I need to remember this moment, complete with the shooting pain in my knees, and draw on it the next time I think it's OK to fall off the wagon.
It may be time to stick that bread machine in the basement for a while. Sorry, honey.
As a part of this weight loss process, I have decided to take a serious look at those things that have not worked in the past - and also to look at those things that I tried to do, but maybe not exactly whole-heartedly, therefore hindering the shedding of the weight. What I have been thinking about the last few days is the fact that often when I eat, I am not even doing it consciously. That has always been a huge issue with me and I think a pretty good indicator of how I have packed on the pounds throughout my life.
The other day I found myself grabbing a bag of croutons off the counter and just sitting in the living room, talking to Josh, shoveling them in my mouth as if I was in some kind of contest to see who could eat the most salad toppings in one sitting. I mean come on - croutons???? I probably downed half the bag before I realized what I was doing. Granted, they weren't M&M's or french fries - but the problem remains the same. I was eating without really realizing it - or caring that I was doing it.
These are not normal eating habits - it's grabbing anything in sight and feeding the disease.....I can't tell you if I was hungry, bored, or simply out of control. All I do know is that croutons are not a meal, and I had no right to be treating them as such.
So, no more of doing that. If I pick it up to eat it, I better damn well at least know if I am even hungry. And if I am, I won't be eating croutons. I'll eat an apple.
Little changes are what is going to help me do this. Conscientious thinking....being aware of what I really need, instead of what I think I want.
No more being jealous of others. That too, I realize gets me nowhere fast. Instead I need to keep the focus right here - on me. One day at a time. It sounds cliche but that's my approach. Don't look too far in the future. Get through today, get through tomorrow and eventually, once all those tomorrows are in the rearview mirror, I can look back and see how far I've come....
I cannot remember a time ever in my life when I felt thin. Maybe that's because I never have been. Even when I was younger, I remember being very much bothered by my weight. When I was in kindergarten, my neighbor Tina and I had matching bikinis - hers was bright green and mine was florescent orange. Even at age 4 or 5, I remember distinctly comparing our bodies because she was so much taller and thinner than I was.
This started a life time of comparisons. I would constantly compare myself to other people and loved to play the "am I fatter than her" game with myself, trying to figure out if I resembled anything like other people I saw that I deemed to be "fat" and have a "bad" body type. I would desperately try to imagine what it was like to live inside a thin body - but never could even come close to understanding what it would be like - to be lighter, thinner, less embarrassed by how I looked or felt. I just wanted to feel more - what's the word? Oh, I know....free.
I remember being about 190 lbs in high school (a weight I would give my eye teeth for right about now) and thinking how gigantic and out of place I felt - and by most accounts, I guess I was. There were not a plethora of obese kids in my high school. I always felt sort of like an anomaly. I did have one good friend that was quite a bit bigger than me and I recall sadly that it gave me a sense of being "one-up" on her because in a world of teenagers, I thought, hey, at least I'm not the fattest one. But for the most part all of my friends were much skinnier than me. I was the token fat friend. They shopped in the Jr. department at Macy's. I shopped in the Missy department (this was before I "graduated to plus sizes" - although even at that time my closet was peppered with the occasional Lane Bryant garment). I remember my friend Kristin wearing all of these cool Esprit clothes and there I was wearing something akin to what my my mom might wear because after all, we did shop in the same clothing department. While I may have been a junior in high school, trust me when I say my ass never fit in to anything in the junior clothing department, that's for sure.
Fast forward about 20 some odd years and here I am, still envious of those around me. The creation of Facebook has given me a whole new reason to feel inferior to my classmates as I scan through pictures of them, still thin, still fit - even after having multiple kids. It is hard not to feel jealousy toward them, and it's hard not to feel anger and disappointment toward myself. I have had ample amount of time to get this body thing right, to make changes in my lifestyle, to get healthy and here we are - I haven't done it. And I am at a loss for the reasons why I struggle with this - why I have such difficulty in taking control of this aspect of my life and facing the facts that it is something I not only want to do (or so I tell myself and others), but also that I NEED to do, if I want to live any kind of quality of life in the future.
Because whether or not I choose to admit it or want anyone to know it, there is a huge difference in the way I am right now and who I was back in high school....or, if I am honest, even who I was last summer. I hurt. I have pain. Everyday. All the time. Even after I take my stomach ulcer causing Aleve far more often than I should. My knees are screaming at me constantly, reminding me that no woman who is 5 feet tall (on a good day) should weigh in at 234 pounds.
Yes - 234.....let's look at that number again. Two hundred thirty-four. Fucking. Pounds.
In other words, back to square one. ALL THE WAY BACK.
Let's take a look at what 234 pounds looks like, shall we?
It looks a lot like this.....
Not a pretty picture is it? Is it any wonder I am holding a box of Prilosec? I probably had heartburn from the donuts I had for breakfast - or the ungodly amount of candy I had consumed. Who knows - it could have been from any one of those things.This picture was taken in January 2011 at my in-laws open house. I may have even been a few pounds under 234 then....but I was close. Anyway you dice it, it's not pretty....I can see the wall of fat around a face I used to recognize. Now I hate even looking in the mirror.
Now let's look at what being 189 looks like, which was probably one of the lowest weights I had (for a fleeting second or two) in my adult life. This was about a month before I met Josh.....in February of 2008.
Much better, isn't it? And that isn't even anywhere NEAR what my goal weight is. It's at least 60 pounds off the mark - not the 100 lbs I am currently looking at having to lose. As a matter of fact, losing that much weight seems like such an unattainable award at the moment that in order to preserve my sanity, I cannot even think about it - but rather I need to concentrate on the smaller successes that will come in between now and then. I need to first allow myself to develop a plan that I know I can and will stick with so that THIS time, I make that goal - no matter how far into the future it may be.
Ultimately I think it boils down to this: I have to believe in me. I have to believe that this time, I can do it. Because my body is telling me that it's not giving me another chance. It is tired of lugging this shit around and wants and deserves to be healthy. I have been denying it that for nearly 40 years and it is far time I stop being so damn selfish.
So, here I am today - St. Patrick's Day 2011 - recommitting to myself and the world to shed 100 pounds. It won't be easy and it won't be pretty but I WILL get there.
I am thinking about starting a whole new blog because I feel like, much like the pounds I carry, I need to shed the old one which was filled with goals related to losing weight for my wedding. I need a new start...and as weird as it may sound, that includes a new start with writing about this new journey.....
Stay tuned for my blog's new home as soon as I work out the details.....
In the meantime, if you are reading this, thanks for your support. I appreciate it more than you know....
