Time is a Thief

I cannot remember a time ever in my life when I felt thin. Maybe that's because I never have been. Even when I was younger, I remember being very much bothered by my weight. When I was in kindergarten, my neighbor Tina and I had matching bikinis - hers was bright green and mine was florescent orange. Even at age 4 or 5, I remember distinctly comparing our bodies because she was so much taller and thinner than I was.
This started a life time of comparisons. I would constantly compare myself to other people and loved to play the "am I fatter than her" game with myself, trying to figure out if I resembled anything like other people I saw that I deemed to be "fat" and have a "bad" body type. I would desperately try to imagine what it was like to live inside a thin body - but never could even come close to understanding what it would be like - to be lighter, thinner, less embarrassed by how I looked or felt. I just wanted to feel more - what's the word? Oh, I know....free.
I remember being about 190 lbs in high school (a weight I would give my eye teeth for right about now) and thinking how gigantic and out of place I felt - and by most accounts, I guess I was. There were not a plethora of obese kids in my high school. I always felt sort of like an anomaly. I did have one good friend that was quite a bit bigger than me and I recall sadly that it gave me a sense of being "one-up" on her because in a world of teenagers, I thought, hey, at least I'm not the fattest one. But for the most part all of my friends were much skinnier than me. I was the token fat friend. They shopped in the Jr. department at Macy's. I shopped in the Missy department (this was before I "graduated to plus sizes" - although even at that time my closet was peppered with the occasional Lane Bryant garment). I remember my friend Kristin wearing all of these cool Esprit clothes and there I was wearing something akin to what my my mom might wear because after all, we did shop in the same clothing department. While I may have been a junior in high school, trust me when I say my ass never fit in to anything in the junior clothing department, that's for sure.
Fast forward about 20 some odd years and here I am, still envious of those around me. The creation of Facebook has given me a whole new reason to feel inferior to my classmates as I scan through pictures of them, still thin, still fit - even after having multiple kids. It is hard not to feel jealousy toward them, and it's hard not to feel anger and disappointment toward myself. I have had ample amount of time to get this body thing right, to make changes in my lifestyle, to get healthy and here we are - I haven't done it. And I am at a loss for the reasons why I struggle with this - why I have such difficulty in taking control of this aspect of my life and facing the facts that it is something I not only want to do (or so I tell myself and others), but also that I NEED to do, if I want to live any kind of quality of life in the future.
Because whether or not I choose to admit it or want anyone to know it, there is a huge difference in the way I am right now and who I was back in high school....or, if I am honest, even who I was last summer. I hurt. I have pain. Everyday. All the time. Even after I take my stomach ulcer causing Aleve far more often than I should. My knees are screaming at me constantly, reminding me that no woman who is 5 feet tall (on a good day) should weigh in at 234 pounds.
Yes - 234.....let's look at that number again. Two hundred thirty-four. Fucking. Pounds.
In other words, back to square one. ALL THE WAY BACK.
Let's take a look at what 234 pounds looks like, shall we?
It looks a lot like this.....

Not a pretty picture is it? Is it any wonder I am holding a box of Prilosec? I probably had heartburn from the donuts I had for breakfast - or the ungodly amount of candy I had consumed. Who knows - it could have been from any one of those things.This picture was taken in January 2011 at my in-laws open house. I may have even been a few pounds under 234 then....but I was close. Anyway you dice it, it's not pretty....I can see the wall of fat around a face I used to recognize. Now I hate even looking in the mirror.

Now let's look at what being 189 looks like, which was probably one of the lowest weights I had (for a fleeting second or two) in my adult life. This was about a month before I met Josh.....in February of 2008.


Much better, isn't it? And that isn't even anywhere NEAR what my goal weight is. It's at least 60 pounds off the mark - not the 100 lbs I am currently looking at having to lose. As a matter of fact, losing that much weight seems like such an unattainable award at the moment that in order to preserve my sanity, I cannot even think about it - but rather I need to concentrate on the smaller successes that will come in between now and then. I need to first allow myself to develop a plan that I know I can and will stick with so that THIS time, I make that goal - no matter how far into the future it may be.
Ultimately I think it boils down to this: I have to believe in me. I have to believe that this time, I can do it. Because my body is telling me that it's not giving me another chance. It is tired of lugging this shit around and wants and deserves to be healthy. I have been denying it that for nearly 40 years and it is far time I stop being so damn selfish.
So, here I am today - St. Patrick's Day 2011 - recommitting to myself and the world to shed 100 pounds. It won't be easy and it won't be pretty but I WILL get there.
I am thinking about starting a whole new blog because I feel like, much like the pounds I carry, I need to shed the old one which was filled with goals related to losing weight for my wedding. I need a new start...and as weird as it may sound, that includes a new start with writing about this new journey.....
Stay tuned for my blog's new home as soon as I work out the details.....
In the meantime, if you are reading this, thanks for your support. I appreciate it more than you know....