E.P.T. - Elevated Panic Test

This past Friday, I breathed forth the heaviest sigh of relief that I have ever done in my life. I am talking about a sigh so powerful, the breath that was expelled from my mouth could have easily knocked over a small child, or at the very least a tea cup chihuahua.

Speaking of small child, allow me to elaborate: 

In my nearly 26 or so years of having the misfortune of experiencing quite possibly the worst part of being a woman (Hello?? Who in their right mind actually enjoys being on the rag??? I dare you to raise your hand.), I had been fortunate enough to never have had to take a pregnancy test. That is, until this week rolled around.

While my sexual past isn't exactly littered with bad decisions, I can openly admit that there have been times I wasn't always the most careful about baby prevention, which I know is really stupid but I think I can safely assume most of us have been there at least once in our lifetimes where we let the throws of passion dictate our behaviors instead of interrupting them with thoughts of potential dirty diapers and breast pumps.

But that was then and this is now. I'm in a mutual loving relationship with the man I am going to marry and have taken careful responsibility to prevent all things baby-esque by taking the pill so that by NO MEANS would Josh and I become parents before we were absolutely and positively ready. Like as in AFTER the wedding, and preferably AFTER I graduate in about 2 - 2 1/2 years.

So imagine my panic when this month after taking not the only the first, second, and third but also fourth white sugar pill in the pack, there was still not even the faintest hint that Aunt Flo might be coming to town? Normally the bitch whirls in like a hurricane, making my boobs feel like Muhammed Ali used them for his own personal punching bags. My mood goes from happy and even keel to being more on par with the cuss-word and pea soup spewing Regan a la The Excorcist. My poor uterus has the sensation of being twisted like a piece of Twizzlers and then savagely ripped from whatever connective tissue that keeps it securely in my body preventing it from sliding out the birth canal along right with the red river it produces.

Could I paint a prettier picture for y'all? Didn't think so.

The pill has relieved those horrific symptoms a little bit but they still rear their ugly head from time to time. But right now, the pill seems to be the most convenient, cheap and reliable form of birth control so I am sticking with it, despite Josh's kind offer to go get "snipped".

After all, I don't want to rule the idea of a baby out permanently - but I sure as shit don't want one now while in the middle of planning my wedding. 

I am not sure where the problem stemmed from this month other than the fact I have just switched to a generic form of Ortho-Tricyclen-Lo. I supposed it can take a while for your body to adjust to a new pill but I assumed (um, wrongfully) that because it was a generic form of what I was already taking, the transition would be a smooth as a baby's bottom - pun intended.

Apparently this generic pill had a mind of it's own and for reason's unknown decided to scare the ever loving crap out of me by waiting until nearly the end of the sugar pill week to produce meager signs of an impending period. Three pee stick tests, a crying jag and a few panicked phone calls to trusted friends to talk me down off the ledge later, and finally, a sign came that the title "Mommy" was not one I needed to add to my resume just yet.

While this little experience brought my stress levels to an all new high, I don't walk away from it with out taking a few important things with me.

Firstly, I am ever so thankful to have a life partner in Josh, who was more than ready and willing to accept this possible little bump in the road (or belly), so to speak with both a sound mind and apparent enthusiasm. I didn't think it was possible to love him more but after this experience I know that whatever life hands us, we can handle it and I have the most wonderful person standing by my side, through thick and thin. 

And, speaking of thick and thin, I have also learned one other very important thing regarding this future glimpse into possible motherhood. The thing that scared me the most about a possible pregnancy, other than the fact that the timing would have been less than desirable, was that having a baby at my current weight would be an absolute disaster. I weighed in yesterday at a very thick 221.8 lbs and by no means would this 5' 0" body be able to hold baby weight on top of all that already exists.

My panic over gaining weight was so severe that I found myself actually thinking about ways I could still diet while pregnant. Sad, isn't it? Let's starve the baby because of our own years long stupidity, shall we?

So it's safe to say that being thin is an important goal not just for the wedding but for so many other things, pregnancy included, which I never even considered until now. Amazing!

I also need to mention that I have an amazing support system of friends who at any given time are there with words of comfort, encouragement and quite often much needed humor in not only times like these, but always and that is why I have asked each of them to stand up with me at my wedding, despite the fact that Josh and I aren't going with a traditional wedding party.

All told, this past week taught me a great deal about myself. How I feel about having kids, what my greatest fears are in terms of being a parent, what consequences I face if I don't lose weight, and what positive things I have in my life that matter the most when life throws me curve balls, even if they end up to be imaginary.

So perhaps being a mom isn't on my agenda just yet and that's fine with me. I think I have my plate full enough already and really need to work on lessening that load first, both literally and figuratively.

As I start a new week, I feel oddly renewed. Could this be the fresh start I have been looking for?

All I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.....

Gloomy weather does not make me feel like doing anything but sleeping. Or talking on the phone. It's not raining today but it's just cloudy and cool enough that sitting indoors with a cup of coffee, reading or flipping through my wedding mags is closer to what I'd like to be doing than putting on my sneakers and going out to take a walk or bike ride. The paranoid fat bride side of me says I need to get out there and move my arse today and the delusional lazy idiot side of me says hey, there's always tomorrow.

If I was smart (which is at the moment heavily debatable) I'd take advantage of the fact the humidity today isn't at that 'soak you to the bone' level and get out there now before it changes it's mind. However the allergens floating around out in the atmosphere are kicking my ass at the moment, even with only a few windows open, and they are enough of a nuisance that I can easily convince myself to stay inside. No one likes to walk 5 steps and then sneeze and then walk 5 more steps and then sneeze......you get the picture.

Then again, I do have that lovely treadmill upstairs, away from all things gloom and allergen related so really, my excuses to not exercise won't work here.

Basically I have no real excuses.....so why am I even trying?????

Today's promise: I will get in at least a half hour of walking despite my lack of desire. I have made a pact with myself that if I can spend tons of time online looking at wedding stuff and sending e-mails and playing on Facebook that I can absolutely find time to burn calories for at least 30 minutes.

Why does that seem like such a chore sometimes?

Josh is away on business and I hate when he's gone because he really does motivate me to go out and do as opposed to sit around and do nothing. Taking a walk without him is so much less appealing than taking one with him and the dogs. And today of all days where I have no idea where my iPod is, makes me all the less motivated to do it. Walking for 30 minutes without music or talking feels like 130 minutes. Bo-ring!

While this week the scale is slowly trudging it's way down after my beach week of non-dieting (223 lbs today) I still find that I need to light a bonfire under my ample ass and really push myself. I wish I could hire a trainer but unfortunately that's not in the budget at the moment. I think I could radically benefit from someone literally kicking my ass into shape. Someone who wouldn't put up with my whining and excuses and make me do what I absolutely KNOW I need to do.

However as of today, I'm all I've got so I will hunt to find my iPod, go throw on some sneakers and kick those excuses to the curb.....

Exercising the ability to change.

It's another glorious summer day which also unfortunately happens to be my first day back to class for the Fall semester. I say unfortunately because the starting of school signifies the end of my summer as I know it. It's hard to believe that the official summer season is nearing it's final days and soon I'll be obsessing over things like carved pumpkins, my beloved Martha Stewart wooden witch decoration that Josh and I collaborated on last year and other Halloween accouterments. I'm afraid that in the blink of an eye the memories of sun, sand and surf will be far behind me and I will be busting out the electric blanket to take the chill off of the cool autumn nights. Damn, change is difficult.

This summer was by far the best I have had in years. This could be for the fact that I was blissfully unemployed, meaning I wasn't spending countless mornings and evenings trapped on a Bieber bus that may or may not have functioning air conditioning and may or may not get stuck in 4 hour long back ups on 78 while one relentless passenger talks loudly in another language on their cell phone for the entire ride home. For the first time in a looooong time, instead of contemplating mass murder on public transit, I was happy, relaxed and truly able to enjoy summer for all it had to offer. To have that experience as an adult in her late 30's was priceless.

However, it's back to reality as of 6 PM this evening when I begin my Educational Philosophy and Ethics class. Before I know it, I'll be buried in writing papers and reading chapter upon chapter in multiple text books and working on all that other school related mumbo jumbo that isn't nearly as much fun as hot days at the beach or even planning the wedding.

Basically I need to change my mind set, buck up and get back to reality. It's time to get serious, once again. On multiple levels.....

This summer, although perhaps ranking as one of the most fun I've experienced in adulthood, was also quite once of the most indulgent, which if I wasn't trying to whittle my ass down to a smaller size might not be so bad but since I am, is rather troubling. Even before the official onset of summer, right after Cinco de Mayo, I started this blog in hopes that it would force me to own up to my fatness and get my health back on track. Weighing in at 224 lbs this morning proves that I most definitely lost sight of what I was supposed to do and have been stuck in denial mode for far too long. We are talking about losing sight in Stevie Wonder type proportions here. 

As I said, change is difficult, especially for me who will do anything in her power to avoid it - but in the past year I realize I have changed more things in my life than I ever thought I ever would over the course of 12 months. That must stand for something, right? Since last August I have gone through the following major life changing events:

• Moved in with Josh
  
• Got engaged
  
• Lost my job
  
• Decided on a new career path
  
• Applied to school
  
• Got accepted to the grad program at Cedar Crest
  
• Started taking classes
  
• Began planning a wedding
  

I should probably include 'attempted to begin a lifestyle change' but after nearly 4 months and only a total of 8 lbs lost as of today, it doesn't seem fair to add it to the list. In 4 months I haven't been able to bust past even a 10 lb loss. That is pathetic. 

I have to ask myself - Just what the fuck happened here?

Looking at that list proves that I AM capable of change. It's not completely out of my vocabulary, but when it comes to weight loss, the ability to change goes inexplicably MIA.

Obviously I'm more than a little angry, not to mentioned embarrassed at myself. Apparently I am excellent at talking the talk but suck shit at walking the walk.  I say I'm angry at myself (which I am) but I've been pissed at myself before and still haven't done much to change the behavior. I'm at a loss as to exactly what it will take to make me wake up and smell the obesity?

Maybe it's hard because I know Josh accepts me for the way I am. He loves me no matter what and I love him for that. There is a small part of me that thinks I should be able to accept myself this way too - except at age 37 I feel more like I'm 67 and therein lies the problem. If I was fat and felt fabulous, that would be one thing. But I can't lie and say I do when I absolutely do not. My knees and feet hurt most of the time and I know that if I let it go, it'll just get worse.  

The thought of me hobbling down the aisle next year is not one I want to entertain so I realize that although exercise and I are currently not the best of friends, I need to do do all I can in the next months to make sure I work on building that relationship, even if it's awkward and uncomfortable. As the days get colder, I know I will feel less like doing it, so I need to take advantage of getting outside now and being one with Mother Nature. Crap.

The ironic thing is that when I'm at the beach, I'm active as hell - bike riding, swimming, kayaking, walking. It's as if a athletic alien comes and takes over my body and makes me think I actually love exercise. Granted I indulge in foods that may not be so diet friendly but at least I am burning calories more so than when I am back home. Why can't my motivation be the same when I am here?

Yesterday I took a nice long bike ride - basically because Josh practically pushed me out the door and made me feel like if I didn't get on that bike that I paid $400.00 for and wanted so badly I'd be the world's biggest lazy ass. I'm glad he pushed me because once I got out there I actually had fun. It's the motivation part that gets me every time  and it's the thing I feel I need to work on the most. Motivation, like change, is something I view as a challenge. They seem to go hand and hand in this battle of the bulge. You can't have one without the other.

I'm going to try giving both a go and see what I can accomplish.

With this cake, I thee eat.

Here it is - my last day of summer vacation as I know it. It seems like since March this unemployment thing has had both certain downfalls as well as benefits but as of tomorrow I am back in class, looking for full time work and most importantly back on my weight loss attempt.

Josh and I just returned from Bethany Beach yesterday after a week of surf, sun and wedding planning fun. I had 8 appointments last week with bakers, videographers, florists and DJ's and a few of those meetings struck a cord with me that I won't soon forget.

Let me preface this portion of the post by saying my weight this morning was an unacceptable 226 lbs and even with my bloat enhancing period looming directly in front of me, that number is, for lack of a better word, infuckingexcusable.

Again, there was pretty much physical activity over the course of the vacay but no amount of biking or swimming can cancel out the Bud Lights with Lime and shit ton of Red Curry Shrimp (oh white rice, you evil thing!) that entered my gullet over the course of the week. And while I may have avoided the Louie's cheeseburger sub again on this trip, the peach pie wasn't so fortunate. Nor was the homemade pizza, lobster roll or calamari.

And what pray tell, was I supposed to do at the baker's house when presented with 6 wedges of wedding cake in various flavors all cozily nestled around a baseball sized lump of buttercream frosting? Refuse it? After all, I was there for a tasting......I just don't think I needed to eat ALL of the cake. (Josh helped). Believe me when I say it was all I could do to stop from touching myself right there in the middle of this strange woman's kitchen! The cake may have been a bit on the dry side (and no, that didn't stop me from scarfing it down to the crumbs) but her icing!!!!...oh that icing was indeed the star of the show. It was so fabu in fact that I was tempted to ask her for a bucket full of that yummy buttercreamness to go.....(and please don't forget the spoon!).

Luckily I refrained from doing so, and spared Josh some serious embarrassment.

So, after this big food reveal let's not pretend the number staring back at me on the scale this morning is anything short of the opposite of a surprise -  because honey, it sho ain't.

However there was one particular meeting with a videographer that got me to stand up and pay attention and evaluate just how important it is for me to be serious about losing weight. It instilled an extreme fear in me of what my wedding day could look like if changes aren't made to this body 'o' mine - like now.

The goal of the videographer was to show me a DVD of a beach wedding he had done in Ocean City so that I could see how the wind can effect sound on the mikes if it's a particularly blustery day. But what I saw had a much more profound effect on me than I am sure this man intended.

Basically, I could have cared less about the wind once I caught sight of the bride on this DVD. While every bride is beautiful on their wedding day (or so they say), this woman was very large, but not quite so in charge. Meaning she looked about as uncomfortable as a person can look in their own skin. I was waiting for the glowing happy "I'm getting married today!" look on her face but this girl, even when she smiled, appeared weary that the whole world was watching her and the thought of being photographed and (gasp!) videotaped seemed to be more than she could bear. As she came down the aisle on the beach, her gigantic organza skirt blowing in the wind didn't look elegant and moreover, the look on her face indicated she didn't feel pretty, and that's a shame and 1/2. Because let's face it, most people at that weight often lose sight of any confidence they may have once had and despite this supposedly being the happiest day of their life, find it difficult to ignore that nagging voice in their head screaming "you're fat and why the hell didn't you lose weight before God and the world had to see you in this pouffy white monstrosity???"

Don't even get me started on the fun it must have been for her to try on dresses. I know it's one of my greatest fears....

I mean what do you say to the people at the bridal store when you go to look? I can imagine myself now. "Um, excuse me but do you carry this in a Size Tent?"

Lord help me.

I assure you, this deer caught in headlights look didn't dissipate from this poor woman's face even after the ceremony. As she stood, not danced, but stood on  the dance floor surrounded by her bridesmaids, it was painfully obvious that she feared shaking her booty might cause the next earthquake to register 8 points on the Richter scale and therefore, she was having no part of it. Bee Gee's Night Fever blasting through the DJ's amp, or not.

It's not that I don't think overweight brides can be cute and pretty and have fun at their weddings. I do. It depends on the type of person they are and what their confidence level is. If I am being honest, I can say (quite confidently!) that with the ever growing increase of my ass size, my confidence level has significantly decreased. My greatest fear is that I won't enjoy our day to the absolute fullest because I will be worried about my appearance. And that may make me shallow but after seeing that DVD of a very big and bashful bride, I at least now know what I DON'T want to look like on the day I marry Josh.

And yes, I do understand it's the significance of the day that I should be focused on, and ultimately of course I am. Even if I gain 50 lbs (oh please no!!!!) between now and then I will obviously be getting married and it will be a wonderful day.....

But a girl can still want to feel pretty, can't she?

And it's that feeling that I am striving to achieve. 

So from this day forward, I am choosing to love, honor and respect thyself so that come next year when the "I Do's" come flying from my lips, I won't be so worried about the width of my hips.

Eating Fruity = Smaller Patootie???

It's 7 AM and I have been up for about a half hour just putzing around the house, making my coffee and making the bed....and weighing myself.

I am happy to report I am down to 221 lbs today and think I may have discovered the magic solution to dropping some pounds, at least for my stubborn body -  but the solution sort of sucks and here's why.....

For the past 2 nights I have had fruit for dinner. And no, it wasn't in pie form. Dinner has consisted of an apple and banana and maybe some small form of protein, such as two grilled chicken tenders or a cup of yogurt. It's a very low calorie meal (if you don't include the martini - whoops!) and doesn't weigh me down before I go to bed, yet because of the fiber I feel surprisingly full. Washing it down with the world's biggest glass of water may have something to do with helping in that area. It also helps with having to get up a gagillion times to pee during the night which is super freaking annoying and something I thought only 90 year old women do. Um, apparently not.

The problem is that after only 2 days, I kind of miss having a "real" dinner since that's really the only meal Josh and I eat together now that he has been going into the office and not working from home. But I won't argue with results since I have lost 3 lbs since the beginning of the week and the scale hasn't moved like that for me since God knows when?????

I'm going to give it a few more days and see what the results are.....this doesn't necessarily seem like something I could live with everyday but it might work if I do it half the week and then eat a salad for dinner the other half.  As I mentioned in a previous post, it's all about finding what works for you as an individual. For Josh, it's eating an 80 calorie cup of yogurt for breakfast but I can't do that because an hour after I'd eat that tiny little cup 'o'mush, I'd be wanting to chew my leg off I'd be so damn hungry. So breakfast is a must for me.....apparently it's the dinner fare that is negotiable. Damn.

Being home all day is also proving to be a challenge. I have been unemployed for 5 months now which I almost can't believe! While I am not bored per se, I surely have not been as busy as I was at work or even when I was taking my summer class. It's true what they say - the devil will find work for idle hands to do, and that "work" may or may not consist of shoving food down my gullet if I don't watch myself and figure out another plan of action. Staying busy should be easy since there is plenty I could be doing - such as work around the house (cleaning - fun!!!) and planning the wedding (making phone calls to pushy know-it-all dj's and videographers - fun!!!!) and making use of the treadmill upstairs (sweating - fun!!!)......the problem is I tend to like to sit at my computer and write or surf the internet for wedding ideas.....which does keep me rather busy but it's not enough of a distraction that I don't stop thinking about grabbing a snack. Being at a computer and eating is the perfect recipe for disaster. I definitely need more of a diversion.

Cleaning is actually a very good option since I am pretty sure the combination of Endust fumes and food do not go hand in hand. Making calls to potential wedding vendors would work too since chomping potato chips in a vendor's ear probably isn't the most courteous act and my chomping probably wouldn't make him be chomping at the bit to work my wedding. And there's that old treadmill. Walking at 4mph and eating a sandwich is just begging for the Heimlich Maneuver (which the dogs have informed me they don't know how to do so I would be completely screwed).

So there are my options until school starts again which is sure to make me so busy my head will be spinning (which when you think about it, would also make eating extremely difficult - bonus!).

For now, I'll channel my inner Carmen Miranda and continue my fruit for dinner experiment to see what my body does without a plate full of food at night. As for today, I am getting out of the house for a much needed haircut and a trip to AC Moore to check out some DIY possibilities for the wedding (invites, save the date cards, etc.) so I've at least got some filler to my day that will take me far away from the belly-fillers in the fridge.....

Tomorrow is Friday, my official weigh day, and I am praying to hit at least 220. I MUST break through this 10 lb barrier. It's been three months and that's far too long......time to cha-cha-cha change this body for good!

Please Sign on the Dotted Line......

There are 431 days until the wedding..... as in 61.6 weeks.....as in the amount of time I have left to lose weight before donning the Great White and saying "I do" to Josh.

431 days........wow!!!!

It almost doesn't seem real and maybe that's because it's still quite a ways off - nearly 14 months to be precise. But I think after giving the deposit at the reception venue over the weekend and also finding a photographer and popping that nifty little deposit check in the mail today makes it seem all the more tangible and I have to face facts that yes, I am most definitely in the process of now very actively planning our wedding! I hate to say it but I am rather impressed by my diligence on this project thus far. I already have quite a few important details sorted out and am relatively organized about which ones I can and will tackle next. I am sometimes delightfully surprised with the choices I make (such as the color scheme) and am happy that I find myself able to make rapid decisions on things I thought I'd agonize over, such as the photographer. I admit that I struggled with venue for a while but am now at peace and extremely excited about our choice.

While the financial conditions to plan this wedding aren't as ideal as I had hoped, I think we are going to pull off an amazing celebration and I know that our family and friends that attend will be the most important addition to our day - not the decorations and flowers. And because Josh agreed to a more expensive photographer, I am some what forced to cut my budget on flowers and decorations and am planning on doing a shit load of DIY stuff, starting immediately because once school kicks in, I know my time will be limited. Let the fun begin.

I think I have the table setting cards figured out and the programs and maybe even the invitations if I think my printer can handle the job and I think I finally found a cheaper place to rent chairs for the beach ceremony so that people don't have to sit their asses in the sand! Bonus!

Hopefully as I continue to plan this event I will discover more ways to save a dollar or two.....I just need to do more homework. Lots and lots of homework....

So, as I plug along here with my enthusiastic wedding planning, I can't help but think about my weight loss goals and how I am going to achieve them by next October, preferably with the same type of enthusiasm and focus as I have for the wedding itself. After all, the weight loss benefits will last far beyond Oct 9, 2010, unlike the rest of the things I am now coordinating (marriage excluded - that's a permanent deal!!! LOL).

The concept of making a weight loss contract for yourself isn't a new one. Read any weight loss article or monthly issue of Prevention magazine and you can usually find someone expressing what a good idea it is to treat losing weight as a deal with yourself that you cannot break, since you are contractually committed to it. They often encourage you to actually write out a full length contract to hang in a place where you will see it every day, like on the fridge for example. The contract should be well thought out, listing the goals you have, the rewards you will reap as you achieve those goals (it's sort of like giving yourself a raise) and the negative consequences that you will face if the contract is not met (a demotion, if you will). It might sound a little cheesy but I think it's not such a bad idea. Another suggestion they usually make is that you read your contract every day as an positive affirmation and reminder of what you have signed up for and what you need to do to keep sight of your weight loss goals. Nothing will stop you short of stuffing your face with Boursin cheese and left over pie (not necessarily eaten together, although it's your call) than seeing that contract staring you in the face as you go to rip open the refrigerator door for a late night snack. And really, isn't that the idea?

Hell, I'm in the midst of signing a bunch of other contracts right now - what's one more, right?

Personally, I've never really tried this approach but I think it's a good way to put the onus on one's self instead of blaming all the shit around you on why you are fat. As for me, I have run completely out of excuses. Unless of course you'd believe me if I said aliens emerge from their mother ship each night and come give me massive fat injections and force feed me cake and candy and I am completely powerless under their control????? No? Not buying it?

Ok, then I really AM out of excuses.

In all honesty, I would say for the past 20 - 25 years I have been overweight, probably even longer if I care to think about it (which I don't) since I was never really a thin kid. There was no skinny phase for me, at least none I can remember. I swear I dropped out of my mother already armed with a fat ass and big boobs, so the odds were stacked against me practically from birth.

But I am now a 37 year old woman who has, and has had for a very long time, the control to change this unhealthy cycle. Yes, I have given it half hearted attempts that have provided me with limited results that lasted only a short while but somehow I always ended up finding myself overboard, face down gorging myself on a pint of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice cream and a pan of ooey gooey fudgey brownies. Well, guess what? I am not going back to that place any more.

This wedding, while making me the happiest woman on the face of the earth, is serving a dual purpose. Finding true love that has turned to a lifetime commitment is #1, but it's also given me the push I needed to take the long hard look at what has been happening to me and my body over the years. I'm not sure what outsiders think - those people that know me but don't see me every day. Do I look different to them at all? Bigger? Unhealthier? Are the negative changes in me noticeable? It's felt gradual to me, but then again, I live with myself and this body every day so it was easy for me to not notice, or basically ignore all the creeping problems that were arising (bad knees, bad back, bad feet, bad, bad bad, etc...). But I wonder if it's been obvious to everyone else?

I think I don't really want to know. It's embarrassing to think people look at you, thinking 'tsk tsk - guess she's stopped dieting again. Shit, has she gotten HUGE'.....

It's bad enough to know that I myself think it....but knowing the rest of the world, especially friends and family, looks at you that way is pretty heartbreaking.

So, making a contract with myself, it is!!! That's going on my to do list today along with the 101 other things I am telling myself I must do.

After all, I only get one shot at this life.....I may as well make it the best it can be.