Here it is - my last day of summer vacation as I know it. It seems like since March this unemployment thing has had both certain downfalls as well as benefits but as of tomorrow I am back in class, looking for full time work and most importantly back on my weight loss attempt.
Josh and I just returned from Bethany Beach yesterday after a week of surf, sun and wedding planning fun. I had 8 appointments last week with bakers, videographers, florists and DJ's and a few of those meetings struck a cord with me that I won't soon forget.
Let me preface this portion of the post by saying my weight this morning was an unacceptable 226 lbs and even with my bloat enhancing period looming directly in front of me, that number is, for lack of a better word, infuckingexcusable.
Again, there was pretty much physical activity over the course of the vacay but no amount of biking or swimming can cancel out the Bud Lights with Lime and shit ton of Red Curry Shrimp (oh white rice, you evil thing!) that entered my gullet over the course of the week. And while I may have avoided the Louie's cheeseburger sub again on this trip, the peach pie wasn't so fortunate. Nor was the homemade pizza, lobster roll or calamari.
And what pray tell, was I supposed to do at the baker's house when presented with 6 wedges of wedding cake in various flavors all cozily nestled around a baseball sized lump of buttercream frosting? Refuse it? After all, I was there for a tasting......I just don't think I needed to eat ALL of the cake. (Josh helped). Believe me when I say it was all I could do to stop from touching myself right there in the middle of this strange woman's kitchen! The cake may have been a bit on the dry side (and no, that didn't stop me from scarfing it down to the crumbs) but her icing!!!!...oh that icing was indeed the star of the show. It was so fabu in fact that I was tempted to ask her for a bucket full of that yummy buttercreamness to go.....(and please don't forget the spoon!).
Luckily I refrained from doing so, and spared Josh some serious embarrassment.
So, after this big food reveal let's not pretend the number staring back at me on the scale this morning is anything short of the opposite of a surprise - because honey, it sho ain't.
However there was one particular meeting with a videographer that got me to stand up and pay attention and evaluate just how important it is for me to be serious about losing weight. It instilled an extreme fear in me of what my wedding day could look like if changes aren't made to this body 'o' mine - like now.
The goal of the videographer was to show me a DVD of a beach wedding he had done in Ocean City so that I could see how the wind can effect sound on the mikes if it's a particularly blustery day. But what I saw had a much more profound effect on me than I am sure this man intended.
Basically, I could have cared less about the wind once I caught sight of the bride on this DVD. While every bride is beautiful on their wedding day (or so they say), this woman was very large, but not quite so in charge. Meaning she looked about as uncomfortable as a person can look in their own skin. I was waiting for the glowing happy "I'm getting married today!" look on her face but this girl, even when she smiled, appeared weary that the whole world was watching her and the thought of being photographed and (gasp!) videotaped seemed to be more than she could bear. As she came down the aisle on the beach, her gigantic organza skirt blowing in the wind didn't look elegant and moreover, the look on her face indicated she didn't feel pretty, and that's a shame and 1/2. Because let's face it, most people at that weight often lose sight of any confidence they may have once had and despite this supposedly being the happiest day of their life, find it difficult to ignore that nagging voice in their head screaming "you're fat and why the hell didn't you lose weight before God and the world had to see you in this pouffy white monstrosity???"
Don't even get me started on the fun it must have been for her to try on dresses. I know it's one of my greatest fears....
I mean what do you say to the people at the bridal store when you go to look? I can imagine myself now. "Um, excuse me but do you carry this in a Size Tent?"
Lord help me.
I assure you, this deer caught in headlights look didn't dissipate from this poor woman's face even after the ceremony. As she stood, not danced, but stood on the dance floor surrounded by her bridesmaids, it was painfully obvious that she feared shaking her booty might cause the next earthquake to register 8 points on the Richter scale and therefore, she was having no part of it. Bee Gee's Night Fever blasting through the DJ's amp, or not.
It's not that I don't think overweight brides can be cute and pretty and have fun at their weddings. I do. It depends on the type of person they are and what their confidence level is. If I am being honest, I can say (quite confidently!) that with the ever growing increase of my ass size, my confidence level has significantly decreased. My greatest fear is that I won't enjoy our day to the absolute fullest because I will be worried about my appearance. And that may make me shallow but after seeing that DVD of a very big and bashful bride, I at least now know what I DON'T want to look like on the day I marry Josh.
And yes, I do understand it's the significance of the day that I should be focused on, and ultimately of course I am. Even if I gain 50 lbs (oh please no!!!!) between now and then I will obviously be getting married and it will be a wonderful day.....
But a girl can still want to feel pretty, can't she?
And it's that feeling that I am striving to achieve.
So from this day forward, I am choosing to love, honor and respect thyself so that come next year when the "I Do's" come flying from my lips, I won't be so worried about the width of my hips.
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