This past Friday, I breathed forth the heaviest sigh of relief that I have ever done in my life. I am talking about a sigh so powerful, the breath that was expelled from my mouth could have easily knocked over a small child, or at the very least a tea cup chihuahua.
Speaking of small child, allow me to elaborate:
In my nearly 26 or so years of having the misfortune of experiencing quite possibly the worst part of being a woman (Hello?? Who in their right mind actually enjoys being on the rag??? I dare you to raise your hand.), I had been fortunate enough to never have had to take a pregnancy test. That is, until this week rolled around.
While my sexual past isn't exactly littered with bad decisions, I can openly admit that there have been times I wasn't always the most careful about baby prevention, which I know is really stupid but I think I can safely assume most of us have been there at least once in our lifetimes where we let the throws of passion dictate our behaviors instead of interrupting them with thoughts of potential dirty diapers and breast pumps.
But that was then and this is now. I'm in a mutual loving relationship with the man I am going to marry and have taken careful responsibility to prevent all things baby-esque by taking the pill so that by NO MEANS would Josh and I become parents before we were absolutely and positively ready. Like as in AFTER the wedding, and preferably AFTER I graduate in about 2 - 2 1/2 years.
So imagine my panic when this month after taking not the only the first, second, and third but also fourth white sugar pill in the pack, there was still not even the faintest hint that Aunt Flo might be coming to town? Normally the bitch whirls in like a hurricane, making my boobs feel like Muhammed Ali used them for his own personal punching bags. My mood goes from happy and even keel to being more on par with the cuss-word and pea soup spewing Regan a la The Excorcist. My poor uterus has the sensation of being twisted like a piece of Twizzlers and then savagely ripped from whatever connective tissue that keeps it securely in my body preventing it from sliding out the birth canal along right with the red river it produces.
Could I paint a prettier picture for y'all? Didn't think so.
The pill has relieved those horrific symptoms a little bit but they still rear their ugly head from time to time. But right now, the pill seems to be the most convenient, cheap and reliable form of birth control so I am sticking with it, despite Josh's kind offer to go get "snipped".
After all, I don't want to rule the idea of a baby out permanently - but I sure as shit don't want one now while in the middle of planning my wedding.
I am not sure where the problem stemmed from this month other than the fact I have just switched to a generic form of Ortho-Tricyclen-Lo. I supposed it can take a while for your body to adjust to a new pill but I assumed (um, wrongfully) that because it was a generic form of what I was already taking, the transition would be a smooth as a baby's bottom - pun intended.
Apparently this generic pill had a mind of it's own and for reason's unknown decided to scare the ever loving crap out of me by waiting until nearly the end of the sugar pill week to produce meager signs of an impending period. Three pee stick tests, a crying jag and a few panicked phone calls to trusted friends to talk me down off the ledge later, and finally, a sign came that the title "Mommy" was not one I needed to add to my resume just yet.
While this little experience brought my stress levels to an all new high, I don't walk away from it with out taking a few important things with me.
Firstly, I am ever so thankful to have a life partner in Josh, who was more than ready and willing to accept this possible little bump in the road (or belly), so to speak with both a sound mind and apparent enthusiasm. I didn't think it was possible to love him more but after this experience I know that whatever life hands us, we can handle it and I have the most wonderful person standing by my side, through thick and thin.
And, speaking of thick and thin, I have also learned one other very important thing regarding this future glimpse into possible motherhood. The thing that scared me the most about a possible pregnancy, other than the fact that the timing would have been less than desirable, was that having a baby at my current weight would be an absolute disaster. I weighed in yesterday at a very thick 221.8 lbs and by no means would this 5' 0" body be able to hold baby weight on top of all that already exists.
My panic over gaining weight was so severe that I found myself actually thinking about ways I could still diet while pregnant. Sad, isn't it? Let's starve the baby because of our own years long stupidity, shall we?
So it's safe to say that being thin is an important goal not just for the wedding but for so many other things, pregnancy included, which I never even considered until now. Amazing!
I also need to mention that I have an amazing support system of friends who at any given time are there with words of comfort, encouragement and quite often much needed humor in not only times like these, but always and that is why I have asked each of them to stand up with me at my wedding, despite the fact that Josh and I aren't going with a traditional wedding party.
All told, this past week taught me a great deal about myself. How I feel about having kids, what my greatest fears are in terms of being a parent, what consequences I face if I don't lose weight, and what positive things I have in my life that matter the most when life throws me curve balls, even if they end up to be imaginary.
So perhaps being a mom isn't on my agenda just yet and that's fine with me. I think I have my plate full enough already and really need to work on lessening that load first, both literally and figuratively.
As I start a new week, I feel oddly renewed. Could this be the fresh start I have been looking for?
No comments:
Post a Comment