Slow and steady wins the race....

Ok...it's weigh in day and as you all know this has been a record slooooooow month for losing weight (at least it has been for me anyway). We are talking turtle pace city here people!!!! Since this is not my first diet attempt in the past 37 years, I'm a little faklempt that my body seems to have become so chummy chummy with the fat surrounding it that  it's having such a hard time letting it go. Past recollections tell me that since it's the beginning of this diet, the weight should be melting off at lightening speed. Perhaps I am setting my sights too high in terms of how much I think I should be losing each week and need to set more realistic goals, but I have a nagging sense that this time around my dieting circle things are different in terms of how my body is reacting to this attack on itself. I know in the past, when I did Weight Watchers or even when I just started an exercise routine with better eating habits, the weight did tend to come off quicker in the first few weeks than it did after I'd been dieting or working out for a while. People say you sometimes hit a plateau but let's be realistic about this. I have never stuck with any one thing long enough to reach that plateau phase so that certainly can't be my excuse. My main problem in the past was that I simply ended up quitting....It became a very ugly game of lose and gain and it is ultimately what landed me at the 231 lb mark. 

During previous dieting attempts, I'd lose 10 lbs and then consider it an "eating cushion" of sorts, meaning that I could now indulge "a bit" since I had dropped some weight. Can anyone explain that ef'd up way of thinking to me? After all, I knew the goal was to lose even MORE weight since obviously 10 lbs was only about 1/9th of what I needed to lose, yet I felt like I deserved some sort of reward (and idiotically decided it should be food related). It was as if I'd given myself a free 10 lbs pass to go ahead and mangia until the cows came home until, alas,  those hard lost 10 lbs quite easily (and very quickly, I might add) found their way back to their old haunting grounds...my face, my arms, my stomach, my hips, my ass, my thighs, my boobs, and let us not forget that prominent "shelf area" above my ass crack that my mom likes to point out!  Please understand that there are plenty of places on this body that fat likes to call home so those 10 lbs had plenty of company and were welcomed back to the 'hood with open arms. And you know what? Sometimes they even brought relatives! I guess the motto of the fat cell is "the more the merrier"......

So, you can understand my trepidation getting on the scale this morning. Doing it pre-BM wasn't even an option. I was that scared....

Last week's popcorn debacle was still looming large in my mind as I gingerly stepped on Old Sonofabitch this morning. This is the name I have given to my scale, and it's quite apropos since it's usually the first thing that pops out of my mouth when I get on it and see the number staring back at me.  But as I took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly, I recalled the past week's eating habits, with holiday weekend and all, and honestly, I wasn't overly worried. After all, I didn't hit up any McDonald's or Burger King while out driving nor was there a visit to Dunkin' Donuts - not even for coffee (because once I get inside and see and smell those Vanilla Creme Beauties, it's all over). About the only real indulgence I had this week was a bagel at Panera Bread (yes, with cream cheese - sue me)  because I was in such a rush getting out of the house to prevent Sam, our Belgian shepherd from trying to chew my leg off because I was leaving him (incidentally, I think he may have some issues), that I forgot to pack a snack to eat before class. And I was starving....

Again let me remind you - it could have been the warm familiar open and loving arms of the golden arches that I ran to....but I didn't. Although now that I think about it, I should probably do a caloric comparison of a Panera Asiago Cheese bagel with a side of cream cheese to a Mickey D's 2 cheeseburger value meal......they actually may come out disgustingly close to one another.

Oh well, bygones...nothing I can do about it now.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the scale....

As I got on Old Sonofabitch and let out my breath....he gave me some news. I don't know if I'd call it great news...but it was good news, meaning it was a loss, so I will take it. But seriously folks, allow me to reiterate if I may....this process is sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

The scale read 225.4 today.....to say it's creeping along is an understatement, but at least this week, it's in the right direction. I can either look at it as a 2.2 lb loss or I can just conclude that my body has finally recovered from Orville Redenbacher's sodium wrath from last week. Either way, beggar's can't be choosers so the 2.2 loss is a victory no matter how you look at it. It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since I started this plan to unveil the new and improved me, and so far my total loss is 5.8 lbs (since starting May 6). Keeping with this rate I could potentially lose about 69.6 lbs before the end of next May which is my prospective wedding date timeline. That would still leave me about 20 lbs from my goal, but it certainly is something I could live with! Let's be honest - if I lose that much weight by next year,  I would feel like a freaking rock star - no two ways about it!

Admittedly, my heart is a little crushed that I can't be dropping numbers like the Biggest Loser contestants. But my mind tells me that I need to get my head out of my reality TV watching ass and be happy that I am finally owning up to this problem and determined to beat it on my own, no matter how slow the process may be. The trick is to stay with it and keep up that steady determination, ESPECIALLY when the scale doesn't hand me quite the news I'd like to receive. It's so very very easy to give up and quit. I know because I've done it - more than a few times. 

The real challenge is hanging in and marching forward when the road ahead looks uninviting and unpredictable. For me, that's truly been the road less traveled.

My internal GPS is telling me to take that road anyway ......and I think this time I'll follow it's directions.

Lead me not into temptation...and deliver me from cheeseburgers.

Well, it's Tuesday already which means I survived the holiday weekend without gorging myself to death. Can I get an A-men?

If truth be told, all things considered, I think (since I have yet to weight myself) I did pretty damn good. After all, I am writing this from my living room and not a hospital bed where I could be laying from a sugar and fat induced coma had I given in to all of my food and drink lusts and desires over the duration of the long weekend. I owe a lot to J who really has my back on this weight loss thing. The support I receive from him is enough to make me cry. I say this because I don't think he was really into the idea of having to go on some totally out of the blue health kick but watching his fiance have a melt down over the fact that her pant zippers were unable to close, was enough of a catalyst to get him to jump on board, which I know isn't easy. Usually you have to have a "rock bottom" moment of your own to really want to do something about changing your body. For him, it was watching me have a break down over mine. Funny the way things work. Just seeing him switch gears has been a total inspiration. This man loves his whole milk, icing laden chocolate cake, fully loaded ice cream and syrupy sweet regular soda almost as much as he loves me and to watch him just quit it all cold turkey is quite amazing. I remember the day he swore he'd rather poke his eye out with a fork than put skim milk to his lips and here we are drinking Skim Plus as if it's the most delicious thing on the face of the Earth (which it's not by the way, but it does beat "normal" skim milk since its a little creamier and fools you into thinking it's something other than watered down moo moo juice). Coke has been replaced with either Diet Coke or water....lots and lots of water....

Before I moved in, product labels containing words like "fat free", "reduced fat" or "light" were carefully avoided by J at the grocery store - for these were evil, nasty tasting and revolting items never to be considered for human consumption as long as there was a full fat version readily available.  I have to say, the guy has completely changed his tune......(I can only think I must have looked REALLY frightening in those unzipped pants).

As a treat, we now eat sorbet or Edy's Real Fruit bars instead of ice cream - or if we are feeling particularly "diety" we'll bust out the sugar free jello. These are the things we now find satisfying as desserts (and they don't even contain the words "chocolate" or "rich and creamy"). Seriously, have you ever heard anyone say that sugar free jello is "delicious"? I know I hadn't until I made the Mixed Fruit flavor and gave J a bowl the other night. You would have thought I gave him a bowl full of bananas foster with whipped cream on top (which is oh my God - touch yourself scrumptious). But back to reality - this was jello.  The guy has seriously lowered his taste bud standards. But hey, whatever works, right?  

The thing about weight loss is,  it's about 90% mental. If you can convince yourself that you love love love to exercise and you absolutely need to do some sweat inducing form of it everyday just to be a happy camper, and that lettuce is just as tasty as a juicy steak, you'll have no problems dropping the weight...

J has far surpassed me in making that mental switch. I have made it to some degree in that I know I NEED and DESPERATELY WANT to lose the weight this time for good. In the past few weeks I have upped my activity level significantly and am making much more conscious food choices (I still struggle with portion control) and so far I am seeing snail pace progress on the scale. But the key is I FEEL better and I think that is a really important thing to note because if I was doing all of the other things mentioned and still felt like shit warmed over (which I used to most of the time), I'd say screw it and give up on this whole thing. But I am noticing an increased energy level and feel myself getting a little bit stronger and more apt to want to exercise, shin splints, creaking knees and all. In the recent past, I considered making it all the way from the kitchen to the couch while balancing a plate of nachos, a full on work out. Not anymore....

J definitely views this whole thing as a sort of mind game which is why I think he is doing so well. He can tell himself that a cup of yogurt for breakfast is filling enough and actually believe it. He's perfectly accepting of having salad every day for lunch and dinner. I, myself, need a bit more convincing. That yogurt, while good, is leaving me wanting a cheeseburger by about 9:30 AM and that doesn't work for me (especially since we have burgers in the freezer and the grill is but only a flick of the ignitor switch away from allowing me to have some flame broiled fabulousness any time I want).

J is also excellent at finding ways to sneak in exercise whereas I am not quite as ambitious to hunt down those odd little ways to burn extra calories. He weeds the yard, kayaks, mows the grass and does various other things from which I tend to stay far away. However, as planned this weekend we met out work out quota so I'm quite happy about that. We hit the tennis court for a little more than an hour (um, Serena William I am not) and I discovered a new found hobby in hitting golf balls at the driving range (it's safe to say I'm no Tiger Woods either but it's a good stress reliever, whacking those balls!). I'm not sure how many calories those activities burn in an hour but I'm willing to bet it's more than if I was just sitting on my ass drinking a beer. 

Speaking of beer, in case you were wondering I had only three over the course of the entire weekend. That's one for each day and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that since turning 21, it's got to be some sort of a record of least amount of beers consumed by me over the course of a 3 day holiday weekend. Someone should really nominate me for sainthood. Go ahead...I'll wait.

J, on the other hand, has it easy because he's not a drinker. His bevvy of choice is Bud Light which is essentially tap water with a squirt of yellow food coloring in a brown glass bottle as far as I'm concerned. But the thing is - he can take it or leave it. How I ended up with a man who doesn't like to drink is still one of life's greatest mysteries but I will say it has greatly reduced my own alcohol consumption so I suppose there is something to be said for that. While alcohol is fat free, it sure as hell isn't calorie free and I used to have no problem downing 3, 4, ok, 5 beers on any given night out, in addition to consuming wings, burgers, calamari (oh how I miss you calamari!) or any other calorie packed food. Talk about treating your body like a trash can! Forget White Trash - I was the queen of Weight Trash.

I'd be lying if I said I don't miss those things. I wish I could tell you that I don't want to eat them and I prefer the salads that have replaced them - but I'm not at that stage yet. I still wish there was magic pill that removed all fat and calories from those things so that I could enjoy them freely but, alas, it'll never happen. So what's a girl with a shit ton of weight to lose to do?

For now I will just lean on those that are behind me on this and know that it's the small victories that count. Every day is a new day and with it comes temptation and challenge. But with it also comes the opportunity to do well and make myself proud when I know I tackle those challenges and win. 

I have exactly one year to wage this battle of the bulge and come out victorious in time for my wedding. It will happen. And that victory will taste far better than any cheeseburger you can throw my way. That much , I know.

 

Camel Crisis

The fat gods have seriously let me down.

Let's face it - it's easier to blame them than it is to blame myself.

I'm at 227.6 (wah) today...a whole week has gone by with not only no weight loss but a .6 lb GAIN. This sucks  - HARD.

When I was swigging my beer and shoveling in that movie-style buttered popcorn last night with enough sodium to salt the entire length of 78 in the worst of blizzard conditions, what did I think was going to happen? My body has been infamously known to hold water better than any camel roaming the Sahara...I take slight solace in knowing I am probably hanging on to at least 2 lbs of water weight (if the puffy fingers and cankles I'm sporting this morning are any indication) so if I pee about a gazillion times today, it should all even itself out eventually. Bring on the coffee and let the urinating marathon begin!

Of course this water weight loss is all dependant on if I do well this weekend and stick to the plan....otherwise next week could be an even bigger disappointment. And I won't stand for that.

The thing is, this weekend is Memorial Day weekend....the official onset of summer. Oh, Lord help me.

I'm not going to freak out yet. This official start of bathing suit season isn't going to get the best of me. This minor weight gain, while disappointing,  is still manageable and I won't let it derail me. I've decided that in order to stay on track today instead of writing down everything I eat (as I eat it), I am going to write what I am going to eat before it ever enters the chewing zone. 

If it's not on the list - it doesn't come near me......it sounds good -  at least in theory, right?

I think I can stick to it today. There are plenty of healthy options here in the house without me resorting back to busting open another bag of Orville's finest. I'll have bran cereal and yogurt for breakfast, which should fill me until about noon or so. Lunch is a Salmon Florentine Lean Cuisine and an Asian Pear and dinner is pork tenderloin on the grill and a salad. Throw in one of those pathetic 100 calorie packs of air puffed cookies in there somewhere to keep me from eating one of my dogs and I should be good to go.

I may even make some sugar free jello with grapes as a after dinner "treat"!

I know, I know - unless you're like 90 years old and have no teeth, since when the hell is jello ever a "treat"? Sad, isn't it?

Regarding the popcorn consumption last night, to my defense I do realize I was eating out of boredom - not because I absolutely HAD to have the popcorn.  Really it could have been anything that was edible that I could shove in my mouth with one hand. J wasn't home and I was chatting on the phone with my friend and the popcorn seemed like an easy chat and eat type of food...in contrast to say, a salad??? Perhaps it was the necessary use of utensils that threw me off? And actually, the popcorn would have been fine had I portioned out a small bit and snacked on it. But I had to have the whole kit and kaboodle. I just kept eating and eating and eating those fluffy, buttery delicious little kernels until all I saw was the shiny greasy bottom of the bowl and my horrified reflection staring back at me....

My lips are still puckered from the vigorous salt onslaught (and rightfully so) and what's worse is I can't find my damn Chapstick. As much as I don't want to beat myself over the head about it, someone's got to do it! My biggest issue with this set back is knowing I would have never eaten that entire bag had J been here last night. More than likely I would have never even have thought to make it. The root of my problem is that I can't understand why, when I am by myself, I can't control what I eat???  Thank God he's coming home today or who knows what I might do to the bag of Nestle chocolate chips hiding out in the back of our cupboard. (The fact I know they are there is dangerous enough).

Not to mention -  yesterday's blog was all about making BETTER choices!!!!! Perhaps I wasn't paying much attention as I was typing? WTF? Seriously. Bad. Dieter.

Anyway, I can't change the fact that the Memorial Day weekend is upon us and in the past, it's notoriously involved copious amounts of beer drinking and bad food intake. This year will be much different and I am trying to view that in a positive light. The weather is supposed to be relatively decent so bike riding is definitely on the agenda as well as our morning walks with the dogs. I'm also hoping to persuade J to indulge me in a game of tennis and possibly take me to a driving range to practice hitting balls so I think I have the physical activity covered.

On the other hand, the mini fridge is bursting with Leinenkugles Summer Shandy (one of my fave beers of summer) and while I may indulge in one or two, I am going to be very conscientious of my intake and try to keep the alcohol consumption to a bare minimum. Maybe I'll have white wine instead (or go all "old lady" on myself and make it a spritzer) in order to minimize bloat (and calories - duh!). There has to be a compromise in there somewhere since I know I won't give up the alcohol for good.

For anyone who knows me, I'd rather live without pasta and potatoes the rest of my life before I'd go and do something crazy like give up my cocktails....

So, yes, the weight gain was a disappointing bummer but I can get over it. All that means is this week I have to kick some major ass in order to see results next Friday. I'm going to do my Prevention wedding workout DVD now and see if I can't sweat out some popcorn damage and start this weekend off right...

Come hell or high water weight gain.....

Food for thought

Jeez - time flies when you actually have a life! I just started school on Monday and already am finding that this one class could already be a good indicator of how you can easily fall off the wagon of weight loss if you are not careful. Tomorrow is weigh in day and while I am hoping and praying to the fat gods for the scale to dip below 227, only time will tell.

My weekend and beginning of the new week was a mixed bag - I stayed on course with the walking but it's the food that I have the real beef with (mmmm.....beef.....). If only I could motivate myself to write down everything I ate during the day I'd probably be in good shape and I know it would help me be more accountable for the hidden calories I am sure I consume throughout the day. I am not much for math so the thought of actually calculating out calories, although it's nothing more than simple addition, is like asking me to do calculus and so therefore I am not all that gung-ho to do it. Oh, and there have been "hidden" calories, of that I am sure. J is now fond of those crunchy Chinese ramen looking noodles to throw on top of a salad in lieu of croutons. I am not 100% sure which of them is the lesser evil, but I'd say the croutons are likely to do less damage since they are fat free and those little noodles, although low in calories, pack a bit of a fat wollop. Also adding some caloric heft to my "healthy salad" are those dang Craisins. I LOVE those in my salad - they are like crack and I find myself really missing them when their beautiful cranberry color is not dotted throughout my leafy greens. 

Then there is the dressing to consider. No matter what I do I cannot wrap my head around most fat free versions of salad dressing and I'm not all that keen on trying to concoct my own tasty fat free versions because I am not so sure I'd be very good at it and end up dumping 8 lbs of Parmesan cheese on top of the salad just to compensate for the less than desirable dressing taste. I really love me some creamy style dressing and I have discovered that finding a comparable fat free version of one is like finding a needle in a hay stack. Fat free ranch? If I wanted skim milk on my salad I would have dumped it on there long ago so no thanks....

I also really enjoy almonds, avocado, corn and artichokes in my salad but I think if I indulged all of my salad fantasies, my once innocent little healthy dinner would end up costing me two days worth of calories so I do need to be mindful of that when layering on the fixin's. 

Being in class from 5:30 to 8:30 two days a week has now presented the issue of dinner on those nights since I leave my place at about 3:00 or 3:30 and don't get home until 9:30. I'm usually not hungry before I leave but by the time I am half way through my class I am ready to eat one or two of my classmates and the sounds echoing from my stomach are more than a little, uh, embarrassing. We do get a mini break during the class and last night I was happy to see someone bust out a sandwich as opposed to hitting the vending machine. I guess that will be my strategy next week. I've been toting along some almonds in a zip lock baggie to much on and keep the belly rumbles at bay, but honestly, they don't quite do the trick and I get all that nutty junk stuck in my teeth which is more than a little gross. Unfortunately on Monday I was completely unprepared and ended up dining on a York Peppermint Patty and a bag of Pretzels - and while that combo is oddly delicious (and all told only 410 calories - I actually did the math on this one), you won't find it in any diet book as a suggested healthy meal option.

To add insult to injury, I should probably mention the crab dip, tortilla chips and 2 beers that happened to find their way into my mouth on Tues night at my favorite little outdoor patio bar. Don't worry - I already gave myself a stern talking to over that little calorie-fest....I promise it won't happen again any time soon.

The thing is, I'm going to have slips ups. I realize that now. My disappointment is that it happened so soon.... 

But hey, I can forgive, even if I can't forget. And what's more is, I shouldn't forget because I don't want these occurrences to become regular habits again. There are always going to be challenges thrown my way in terms of choosing the right foods. Sometimes I'll make fantastically good choices and sometimes I might not. I need to remind myself that the key is to be prepared for those situations where temptation may be present or where healthy food options just aren't available. This has been a struggle of mine forever and one that I truly need to focus on since I see the potential to do damage looming in the distance. Weight Watchers is famous for their motto - "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" and I hate to admit that it really isn't just a crock of crap. Trust me - I've checked out the vending machine at school and it's pure evil inside that big box....about the only thing not chocked full of badness is the gum. Truthfully, I've had many moments of weakness in my past where I have relied on a vending machine lunch or dinner (sounds really appetizing, doesn't it?) but am determined to not fall into that trap again. (Which is why it's probably a good thing beer and crab dip aren't served in a vending machine or I might not be able to make such a bold statement).

As for the other million challenges that will come my way along this winding road of weight loss, I'll just have to deal with each one as they come. I'm not perfect and don't expect this process to be either. But with each weekly weight loss victory (fingers and toes crossed) I'll be that much more confident that this journey is worth taking and I myself am worth the effort of working hard and making these conscious decisions to do my body good....

Sweet Nothings

I think I seriously miss sugar. Like ALOT.

Yesterday was the first day that I was really craving some oh so not good for you food...I'm only a little over a week into this thing and the Big Bad Sugar Beast is already a-knockin' at my door begging me to let him in. He apparently misses me too.

It's not that I have cut sugar completely out of my diet but I have done away with rewarding my clean plate club behavior with a man size-portion of some fattening dessert every night and when I go to the grocery store I make absolutely sure there are no donuts "accidentally" finding their way into my cart for the ride home. I've been trying to satiate my sweet cravings these days by way of natural sugars - like from the fructose in all of the apples, pears, mangoes and grapes I've been chomping on lately. Yes, they're really tasty, but you know what? No matter how you dice it - it sure as hell isn't the same as a nice huge chunk of chocolate cake smothered in thick butter cream icing or a decadent bowl of Edy's caramel cone and chocolate chunk ice cream or a generous slice of double crust homemade strawberry rhubarb pie (and yes, I am practically drooling all over my keyboard with thoughts of those very things as I sit here and type this, thank you very much). 

I've always known I have a really wicked sugar addiction. Much like a rock star who has a nasty drug habit and keeps finding himself in one car crash, jail cell or rehab center after the next , I too, no matter what weight related embarrassing situation I find myself in,  just can't let the white stuff go. It's just that my white stuff of choice is sugar....and it's delicious. Thank God the likelihood of crashing my vehicle is minimal and there's no jail time just for "doing sugar"....I would have become part of the system long ago! But the addiction, while of course not as severe as that of hard drugs, still controls me and my appetite in a most manipulative way. Until just recently I was still very much captive under it's spell and was literally being weighed down by it's effects. It held all of the power and was so omnipresent that I was incapable of saying no. Pie? Yes! Cake? Oh yes, please! Candy? Yes! Yes! Yes! Ice Cream? Uh, is the Pope Catholic?HELL YES!!!!!!!!!

Even as a kid I considered my Cap'n Crunch (with Crunch Berries no less) to be the Breakfast of Champions. As I got older and parted ways with the Cap'n (which was a very sad day indeed), instead of moving on to more "mature" and adult geared cereals such as Wheateena or Fiber One, I hunted down the cereals that would still provide me with a morning sugar rush like Cocoa Pebbles, Frosted Mini Wheats or even the Kellogg's Raisin Bran that had the sugar coated raisins, as opposed to the Post Raisin Bran which did not.  To my defense, I come from a family where baked goods like pie, cake and sticky buns were considered perfectly normal and acceptable breakfast fare so breaking that sort of thinking pattern as I got older was tough. What's more is I didn't want to break it. I wanted to believe more than anything that having a huge slice of chocolate cake in the morning was going to provide me with same kind of good nutrition and energy as a piece of wheat toast and veggie and egg white omelet. What I found was the only things it actually did provide me with were a fat ass and uncomfortable stabbing hunger pangs about an hour after I ate it.

So yesterday's craving onslaught proved to be a huge challenge because my past behavior pattern was to simply give in to that incessant sugar craving and fall off the wagon in a big FAT way. Thankfully I've got J here to keep me in line and he kindly suggested I either have a LARGE glass of water or munch on a piece of fruit. Ha! If only those things tasted like soft serve ice cream (which was my craving of the moment) but I'm pretty sure they don't. So after cursing under my breath for a minute or two, I instead chose to break out one of what I dub the "emergency packs" which is one of those teeny tiny 100 calorie packs of portion controlled snacks. We bought a few varieties of these over the weekend  since J figured they were better than me going completely ape shit and driving myself to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and diving head first into their donut display, so I opted for the Oreo pack and was more than a tad dismayed to find they have NO icing center in them!!! It's just a poor man's version of the chocolate wafer part with about 3 sugar crystals on top of each flat sad little microscopic wafer. Trust me - it's the farthest thing from an actual Oreo I have ever seen. Not what I was expecting...or let's face it, desiring at the moment.

However, as much as I hate to admit it - it did the trick. Sugar. Craving. Gone. AND what's more is I didn't blow the diet, excuse me, uh, life style change....a-hem.

Portion control has never been in my vocabulary so I will say these little baby sized packs of goodies, while a complete rip off price wise, are a saviour to those (ok, me) who don't know when to say when. At least I know they saved me last night. Big time.

Realistically I know there will be times in the upcoming days when I will allow myself to have a treat of the "real thing", but for now while this healthy life style habit is still in it's infancy, I am staying far, far away from the things I know did this to me in the first place and won't even entertain the idea of indulging myself. I figure once I can walk through the Wegman's baked good area and not want to cry over the smell of pure heaven entering my nostrils, I might be ready to eat those types of things again - only this time it will be in severe moderation. But at the moment? One bite would hurl me into a sugar binge so far beyond my control it isn't even funny and I certainly can't let that happen. Think Tasmanian Devil spinning wildly through a bakery, leaving only a path of crumbs in his wake....that would be me.

I'm betting on this getting easier as the days, weeks and months progress. Of course there will be challenges ahead (like my family picnic in June which in all fairness should really be dubbed Fat-n-Sugar Fest) but I'll tackle each obstacle as it presents itself and do the best I can to overcome any temptations. At least I know I have support to keep me focused and I'm already seeing results on the scale which is the biggest motivator of all. 

By this time next year I could be walking down the aisle (more on that subject tomorrow - there will be updates!) so the goal date to get myself in shape is really looking like more of a reality rather than some unknown day somewhere in the vast future. And instead of being petrified like I was in my first entry, I'm actually very very excited because I am finally taking the bull by the horns and doing something about it!

Tell It Like It Is....

Yesterday, I was told by my very dear friend that I am being far too hard on myself with some of the things I have written in this blog. I put this out there for public consumption mainly because I do enjoy the feedback and NEED the support in order to make me accountable for this journey I have decided to share. Even though right now, it's only close friends and family that are reading these entries, you never know who else down the road might become a follower and they too might have an opinion or two on the content so I take all feedback to heart.

I thought about my friend's comment for a long while and went back and re-read some posts thinking maybe I sounded like a huge downer or pessimist about this whole thing which is NOT the message I want to send across and really isn't how I feel about this weight loss process (this time) at all. I know it's going to be hard and probably relatively slow going, but I feel more confident than I ever have that this is the time it will happen all the way and I will lose it for good!

After reading over the posts, I realized that everything I have written thus far is truly from my heart and gut so to speak. Yes, I may have put myself up on the whipping post a few times but it's the way I feel and I wouldn't have wanted to express myself in any other way. Granted, I try to add the occasional dash of humor because without it, I'd have probably thrown myself under a bus long ago. Weight loss is hard and can be a very lonely, humiliating and frustrating battle. I've cried many times over being fat, sometimes publicly with friends and very often, privately when most of my friends had no idea I was even upset about it. It was always very ironic to me when I was told I was "the most confident person they knew". The subject of weight loss has been a constant theme in my life since I was an early teenager and at age 37, much like Oprah, I can't believe I am still talking about it at this stage in my life. I have yet to win this battle.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I used to possess much more outward confidence regarding my weight. I've certainly never been ostracized by friends because of being heavy - it's always been quite the opposite. I've been blessed with many many friends, all who have accepted me as I am. My family, although I know they love me has not always been the most supportive or understanding concerning my weight. Comments about my appearance, especially from my family sting like peroxide on a hemorrhoid (not that I know first hand what that feels like but my dad claims his neighbor did it and almost flew to the moon from the pain). My mom, bless her heart, thinks she is doing me some sort of favor by pointing out when she notices I am gaining weight. Her seemingly favorite comment is to tell me that I am getting my "shelf" back (please note: this is not in any way related to bringinng "sexy" back, just so we're clear). It's apparently her "polite" reference to the hump that juts out just below my lower lumbar and hovers right above my ass on which I could probably balance a pizza box, or at the very least a six-pack. This area seems to expand first whenever there is any sort of weight gain for me and my mom is never one to miss pointing it out, as if I'm not aware that I have a huge Quasimodo suddenly residing above my butt crack. Hello?

Hearing what I already know is true doesn't do me any favors nor does it motivate me to do something about it. For the most part, it just hurts my feelings and then really pisses me off.

The roller coaster ride depicting my weight gains and losses have been witnessed by friends and family alike but for a major portion of my life many have only known me in various states of fatness. I myself don't remember what it's like to feel thin or normal, as I have never had a skinny adult phase. My last "skinny" phase was me at 190 lbs, still 60 lbs away from actually being in some sort of recommended weight range.

Being 190 lbs still doesn't let you shop in a regular clothing store or dissolve you of clinging to the security of girdle when you put on a dress, or prevent you from dying of embarrassment when the Dorney Park ride attendant has to help you onto the Paratrooper because you're too short and too fat to pull yourself up onto the ride. It also doesn't stop asshole teenagers yelling "fat ass" out of their car window while driving by as you're bent over looking for something in your back seat with you butt exposed to the street. And it certainly doesn't cause you to stop blaming your body for rejection from the opposite sex.

190 lbs may have been my lowest weight, but it was by no means a low weight.

There is a part of me that thinks if you haven't walked in a fat person's wide width shoes you may not quite get where I am coming from. It's hard to relate, much like it would be if you were trying to sympathize with someone who has another type of disease (cancer, anorexia, MS, alcoholism - you name it) and you've never experienced it yourself. You can certainly offer support, which is always welcome but sometimes advice from a thin person on how to lose weight (unless they are a success story themselves) can be difficult to swallow. Everyone has moments when they are uncomfortable in their own skin but when you are overweight, it's a constant consciousness. It seems you're always standing with your hands in front of your stomach, or yanking down your shirt that constantly rides up, or feeling your waistband dig into your skin, reminding you just how uncomfortable you are. It's always there. I don't know how to explain well enough what it's like living inside this fat person shell, knowing there is a different woman inside begging to come out. How can I explain what a bizarre perception it is, feeling that the person you are portraying to the world isn't really the real you? There are so many other examples I could list of situations where I was uncomfortable about my weight or my weight inhibited me from doing something I really wanted to do. Dancing, skiing, hiking....The list is endless. A good portion of my life has been spent covering up my insecurities and putting my best face forward but that gets tiring after having to practice it years on end and I'd like to just be able to know what it feels like to be freed of this shell, expose that fabulous woman inside and see how she does on her own.

So, at the end of the day, am I being too hard on myself? Some may think so but my belief is this: If I don't give myself the old bitch slap every now and again I won't keep myself in line. I know this about myself . I'm OK with using myself as a punching bag as long as it motivates me to keep on track and make sure I don't ever have to end up belly-aching about the same shit I'm writing about here in the future. I have fallen off this wagon so many times it's amazing I have the strength to keep getting back on. But I do. And this time is the last time.

There's a reason I am sharing my story this time around and have reached out to those of you that are reading this. I WANT to be held accountable. Maybe I never did before but this time I truly feel different. Exposing the ugly side of being overweight isn't a comfortable thing for most people. It's something that we chose to hide behind and for which we make excuses. A lot of excuses.

At age 37 (and 1/2) I may have just run out of excuses.....

Start weight: 231

Current weight: 227