I was going through some old photos last night and dug out this picture of me sunbathing while on my vacation at Bethany Beach last year and I am really horrified. I can't believe how badly I've let myself go....Ok, Ok, so maybe that's not really me, but it might as well be, knowing how I feel regarding body bearing bathing suit season being literally just around the corner. Trust me when I tell you it scares the ever lovin' shit out of me.
It's kind of sad since summer is with out a doubt one of my favorite times of year and nobody but nobody loves to lay her ass on the hot sand and bake herself more than I do. Somehow the profuse sweating I have been known to experience and completely loathe during the summer months is perfectly acceptable as long as I am near a cool body of water and an icy (preferably alcoholic) beverage. But there is something about Memorial Day fast approaching that each year seems to send me into a state of panic and I know that no matter what crash diet I try, I will NEVER be READY to dress up in some pasty fat baring spandex scrap of fabric and parade myself around in public. Naturally since I'm the farthest thing from a hermit, I do it....but it's not without a shit load of embarrassment, self loathing and self resentment that I hadn't started some sort of diet and exercise regimen back in January (of whatever year - you name it) so that I'd at least be somewhat prepared.
Suffice it to say, I'm no Boy Scout so you know I never am.
I had a friend that once said "Tan fat is better than white fat" and if you really think about it, it's pretty much a fact and over the years it's what I have come to rely on to make me feel better about donning any skin baring clothing once the mercury hits 80 degrees. Unfortunately now that skin cancer is such a real issue, I hesitate to bust out the Crisco oil and lather it on like I did in the 70's and 80's (ok, and let's just admit it, the 90's and into the 2000's as well) so this year it's either risk ending up looking like a streaky carrot by using some fake bake method to give me that savage tan I crave or I'm going to have to give in and embrace my ghastly paleness (gasp!) and let George Hamilton have all the fun. To be honest, neither one is all that appealing to me. If I had it my way, I'd be sailing the Banana Boat all summer long until my friends and family called a tanervention. I love me some sun bathing that much.
Two years ago I tried one of those Miracle Suits that's supposed to make you look 10 lbs thinner. No joke - I spent a hard earned $120.00 on a bathing suit from which I absolutely expected a fat banishing miracle. Perhaps I thought that just by putting the "miracle" suit on, 10 lbs of my gut chunk was going to get sucked into some sort of blubber vortex, never to be seen again. Let's just say that after checking my appearance in the mirror, that miracle? Not forthcoming. About the only phenomenon I guess I should of expected was maybe the image created in back sweat of the Virgin Mary, imprinted on the turquoise spandex.
This year I'm avoiding shopping for a suit completely. Being unemployed and on a budget is as good of an excuse as any to avoid the harsh reality of fluorescent dressing room lights and tri-fold mirrors that force me to acknowledge every roll, lump and curd of cottage cheese clinging to my body. I've decided to stick to what I currently own and if the suit I have from last year doesn't fit, I guess I won't be frolicking in the sun until it does (lucky you, public eye!). Since I weighed in at 227.4 today I figure I have about 17 more lbs to lose to reach last year's bathing suit season weight and then I should be good to at least give it a go. Luckily I am registering for summer class and will have plenty more to think about than laying pool side so maybe by the time class is over in late June and I am ready to hit the pool or beach, I'll have met that mini goal and won't be so freaked out to try the suit on (right now I'm just too disgusted). Mind you, not that being 210 lbs is a good weight, but once I reach that mini-goal it will be a 20 lb loss for me by that point so all in all I'd be happy with that.
In the meantime I try to keep positive knowing that while maybe this year I won't be able to reveal the Valarie Bertinelli that I know lives inside of me, but next year? Oh hell yes. So, as J wakes my groggy butt up each day at 5:15 to take our morning walk, I will welcome it with a smile, because I know that with each step I take on that walk, I am one step closer to not fearing summer coming ever again.
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