The Shit Really Hits When The Clothes Don't Fit

I have a closet jammed full of beautiful clothing. THAT DO NOT FIT ME.

This has really become quite the dilemma since I'm not comfortable with the idea of residing at a nudist camp, I have not reached the point of being Ok with graduating to fully elasticized waistband pants and my current unemployed status has really put the kibosh on the likelihood of a shopping spree so new clothes aren't really much of an option at this point. And I don't do garbage bags. Or muumuus. Yet.

As I sit here typing this entry today with my shorts zipped up, but unbuttoned, I'm really angry at myself for getting to this point. In March of 2008 I was on my way to being in the best shape of my life. Just to set the record straight, when I say best shape of my life, I mean I was going to the gym faithfully (thanks to the extraordinary generosity of my roommate and her gift of a gym membership) and attending Weight Watchers to help keep me on track with my food intake. I was by no means anywhere NEAR being thin but I was at least in the process of doing something about it. I hit my lowest adult weight of 191 lbs and held onto it for about a nanosecond. Then I met my fiance.

I can distinctly remember the outfit I wore on our first date. It was a black (naturally) drape neck viscose knit top and skirt with side slits accompanied by knee high boots (put on with out the usual sweating and cursing). It was the sexiest thing I owned and I felt pretty courageous wearing it because it was somewhat form fitting and I hadn't ventured out in anything that tight since my Jordache Jeans phase of 1983. Of course I need to give a shout out to Spanx here because with out them and their Hoover dam-like holding power, I'm sure I would have looked like a close relative of the Michelan Man. But, overall I felt confidant and pretty in that outfit and that was truly all that mattered. I'm positive that if I put that outfit on today and was anywhere near a beach, I'd have people valiantly trying to roll me back into the water. Yeah folks, it's gotten that bad. 

So let's do the simple math. Since meeting my fiance I've packed on nearly 40 lbs in 14 short months. 

Take a moment to digest that bit of tasty news will you?

And please don't think I'm putting the onus on my fiance for this colossal gain. That would be too easy to do. This is strictly my doing. It's not like I've been tied down and force fed after all. And my nutritional knowledge includes recognizing that an actual serving size of ice cream is a half cup not a cup and a half. It isn't his fault at all. As a matter of fact, he actually LOST 45 lbs last summer just by walking the dogs so what the hell was my excuse? It seems I let my eyes wander off the prize and it slipped away just like that. How easy it was to become so incredibly comfortable and forget what I had worked so hard to achieve! From January to March of last year I was down 20 lbs, feeling fitter than I ever had, and then BOOM! Love, Food, and Comfort started replacing Focus, Sweat and Diet and I just let them take over. No questions asked.

I'm certainly not upset about the love part. I found my soul mate and the man I am going to marry and trust me, that was a long time coming and I have absolutely no regrets. Personally speaking, I have never been happier in that respect of my life. But that doesn't mean I'm not still wildly pissed off  I let myself completely lose focus of my weight issue for this long. Now here I am, left with pants that cut off my circulation and tops that reveal every ounce of back fat I own and it sure ain't pretty, y'all.

The funny thing is I used to have a piece of paper with a quote written on it that was prominently displayed on my refrigerator. It said "Never give up what you want the most for what you want in the moment." Those are some pretty poignant words to live by. Christ All Mighty, you know I visited the refrigerator often enough....why the hell didn't I pay more attention???

Anyway, no use crying in my Slim Fast. This is a new start. Each day we get a clean slate so that's how I am approaching this journey this time around and I'm confident I'll finally tame this beast of blubber. I'm still at 230 today but am heading out for a bike ride after this post and see if I can't sweat off a few calories. If for no other reason than so I can button these fucking shorts sometime in the near future......