The Results Are In: I Really AM Fat and Lazy - So Now What?

Oh hey - remember me?

Yeah - I'm back.

Contrary to popular belief, I didn't die from choking on a ham sandwich, nor was I bed bound due to a fat induced coma.

I just simply let life get in the way......of pretty much everything.

I'm hoping that for all the blatant diet ignoring I've done over the last month and a half that I at least get the 2 A's for which I have worked so hard - but only time will tell. I think I still have about a week before grades are posted so here I am, waiting with baited breath......

I cannot believe how quickly time is flying by. (It seems like I am constantly saying this and frankly, it's annoying). Tomorrow marks 10 months until the wedding and I have the same amount of stuff to do that I did 2 months ago because basically once school kicked in this past semester, I kissed wedding planning good bye to concentrate on my classes. Now I am in a state of panic and "Holy F***ing Shit" has become my go to phrase every time I think about all of the wedding things I have to accomplish in the next month while I am on school break. Josh may be starting to wonder when the hell I developed tourrets.

Never mind the fact that Christmas is nipping like a rabid chihuahua at my heels and I have yet to begin my shopping. This is partly due to the fact that I first need to rob a bank in order to actually have the cash to purchase any gifts and I don't quite have my master plan all figured out yet for that little adventure. If I don't think of a plan soon, my friends and family will soon come to know the true meaning of Christmas - unemployed style. (cue Dolly Parton's song Hard Candy Christmas here....)

There's something to be said for handmade paper Christmas ornaments and popcorn balls, right?

The past couple of months have literally flown by.....wasn't it just yesterday that Josh was hanging cobwebs from every corner of our house and the most pressing question was: What kind of Halloween candy could I steal from the bowl next?

Then, like a flash, turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie was coming at me like a freight train and all I could do was just close my eyes and open my mouth, take it all in and enjoy the moment - although I knew my ass & waistline were the things taking the hardest hit. Those damn taste buds never get any bigger.

Keep in mind, I was allegedly on a no refined carb, no grain diet during the time this holiday carnage was going on. So - How do you think I did?

I actually went to the metabolic doc before Thanksgiving - November 16 to be exact - 6 weeks after my visit with the $500.00 skinny as a rail nutritionist (thankfully my insurance covered all but $140.00 of her informationally unrevealing visit). Perhaps if I had stayed on the diabetic diet I was told to adhere to, I may have seen some decent results by then but let's cut the shit - we all know I didn't -  so by the time I met with the real doctor, I had GAINED a pound and he was none to happy with my teary pathetic story as to why I wasn't digging riding the no carb highway and why I thought it wasn't working for me. 

Let's just say, bed side manor was not this guy's strong suit.

I was told in no uncertain terms that I have a bad relationship with food and until I stop viewing food as pleasurable or for entertainment purposes, I will never change. Ouch.

Oh - and the blood tests?

They revealed little else but the fact that I am indeed a lazy ass....and also that cake is not my friend. Hey - at least now I know for sure.

So, what's a girl that was banking on blood tests to explain an insulin resistance or at least some other thyroid issue to blame her weight on to do?

Well, apparently her loving fiance thinks you drive across the state of Pennsylvania to Columbus, OH to buy an elliptical trainer off of E-bay. Yes - we really did that. And I love it! It's the best indoor calorie burn you can get and it's the type of exercise I actually enjoy....much less boring than the treadmill and since it's located in my dressing room, I can't avoid it....or the constant hounding from Josh asking me if I "worked out yet today???????????"

Does this mean I am back on plan? 

Wellllllllllll, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I do have the last leg of the Triple Threat Holi-daze to get through BUT as long as pumpkin rolls and peanut butter cookies don't fall from the sky and I keep plenty of (uh, yum?) lettuce & other various salad accoutrements handy, I should be able to maintain some sort of control.

Until I get to New Year's I am allowing myself weekends for holiday baking and other merry making. Christmas is practically my middle name and I refuse to allow my holiday refreshments to be designated to only carrot sticks (I'll donate mine to the reindeer) and ice water (wine is made from fruit and therefore healthy). After all, tis the season to be jolly - and who the hell associates being skinny with being jolly anyway? Exactly.

So while I may not be pleased that my belly, not unlike Santa's, shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly, I'm not getting too down on myself.

A new year is right around the corner and I'm feeling quite optimistic. I know it seems like I may have given up but trust me when I say I haven't. It's true I have taken a giant (ok, GARGANTUAN) tumble backwards  - I haven't even been on the scale in weeks - but there is a plan simmering on the back burner, I promise.

But for right now, I have Ella Fitzgerald belting out some holiday tunes on my stereo and the house looks like the North Pole - if the North Pole were situated in the middle of Tornado Alley  - so suffice it to say I have my work cut out for me today to get this place looking festive and bright. And I will do all that I can to forget about the pumpkin roll residing my fridge.....but do more to remind myself of the belly roll I no longer want residing on my waist.

 

Say "YES" to the Dress!

If I had to sum up my wedding dress shopping experience in one word, I would have to say, "Surprising" fits it best.

Unbelievably, (and thankfully) it was not the horrendous train wreck I had previously imagined it would be.....

As a matter of fact, I had drummed up such a horrific scene in my head of being presented with a multitude of dresses I could only squeeze one of my ample thighs into, that my stomach was doing mini flip flops as I walked into that first store - Alfred Angleo.

I now realize that dread may have stemmed more from what I experienced on the outside of the store, more than anything that was to greet me inside. 

Allow mw to ask you this simple question: Have you ever wanted to beat the royal shit out of someone based on a simple comment you overheard them utter?

I sure have.....and I nearly did this past Saturday - even before I laid my eyes on a single shred of tulle, lace or shiny satin. 

You see, while I was standing outside in the freezing cold and rain, waiting for the store to open , an extremely boisterous, animated, and not to mention rail thin (and in my mimd desperate need of a cookie) group of women arrived and had to wait outside with me. The bride looked all of 20 years old if that (I was looking for a baby bump but could not detect one....which left me wondering why the hell anyone would want to get married so young??) and as the group peered into the front store window to get a peek at what was offered inside, I couldn't help but over hear the mother 'o' the bride commenting on two of the dresses that happened to be featured on plus sized mannequins.

Her gasp over how BIG the dress was ("Wow - that's a big mama dress" was her exact quote) and her comment about how the plus sized bridesmaid dress looked like a "big" maternity dress had me seeing red in less than 2 seconds flat. She must have used the word "big" 20 times, if she said it once. I was infuriated.

This woman is very lucky I didn't sit my "Big Mama" ass right on her.

It's amazing to me that I stood not 3 feet away from this woman with my obvious plus sized figure and still, she went off on a tangent about how bad these dresses looked - how BIG they looked. 

Well fuck you too, you flat chested insensitive toothpick.

Whew...ok - now that I got that off my (anything but flat) chest.......

Anyway - thankfully these close minded food-deprived trolls were no where near me as I tried on my dresses - or I'm pretty sure a bridal boxing match may have ensued. Or perhaps they were nearby but I was in my own sort of la la land  once I started trying on dress after dress that actually could close in the back and in some cases were even too big (what a feeling!). Granted, they may have been a size 22 but it's always nice to hear someone tell you something is way too big on you.....

Hoorah!

Overall, I have to say it was a bit of a surreal experience since I realized that I have never quite envisioned myself in a wedding dress. As I stared back at this person in the mirror with white fabric swirling around her, I felt like I was watching someone else......

Because this person, even though she was overweight, looked absolutely radiant in that dress.

I only went to two bridal shops on Saturday and at the second store I think I may have actually found "the one." It sounds so - I don't know -  Cliche??? Or maybe Gay????? (Really - I can't believe I actually cried a little). I don't mean I was weeping oceans of tears but I never believed all the hype and BS about crying over a dress and "knowing" when you find that right one....however, I hate to admit that all that sappy crap may actually be true! 

I think Val, out of any one I know, will love the fact I am admitting this....she is the one friend I have that truly believes in all things romance and fairytale-esque. Normally I gag at this sort of thing and she knows it, although she accuses me of being much more of a softie than I care to admit...

But this time, as much as it kills me, I may have to agree with her. This dress I found may be truly "magical." I LOVE it!!!!

I loved it so much I had to find out how many sizes they could go down since losing weight has now skyrocketed to the tippy top of my to-do list (not that it wasn't sort of there before but freaking-A, this is serious!) and I think I will be placing my order by the beginning of January to ensure I have a solid 9 months for delivery and alterations. 

So from now until then, I will be praying vehemently to the fat gods to help me shed this weight by keeping me far away from the Trick or Treat candy that's hiding in the big plastic cauldron downstairs and to get me through Thanksgiving and Christmas without becoming a stuffed turkey or Santa Claus look-a-like.

Now more than ever, I need to STAY ON TRACK. I know this year is going to fly by....I can't believe the end of October is already fast approaching. 

With only 353 days left to "git 'er done"......I need to fire up that metabolism and let the fat games begin!

Temptation is a bitch

Well, it's less than one year away from the wedding....(OMfreakingG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

After having that special little fact sink in over the weekend, I began to mentally tally all of the shit I still need to tackle for this momentous event and uh, started to panic.....just a wee bit.

Things are getting ticked off the list but I know there is so much more to do and there are a bazillion and one details  am sure I have not even thought of ..... I really need to get a move on, in more ways than one.

Thankfully we were able to agree on a DJ this weekend (yes, we opted to go with poor man's Billy Dee Williams who in real life looks more like Wayne Brady and is super nice, by the way) but we don't yet have a baker or a florist.....so those are next on the list. Except before I can see a florist, I have to 100% know my colors and have my dress picked out.....Ugh.

Next weekend I have committed myself to begin dress shopping......I do not anticipate it being the time of my life. But it will reinforce this diet I am on so that is a good thing. This week, being back at home should be easy in terms of sticking to the foods I can have since we pretty much have zero temptation in the house at the moment (if you don't count the salt water taffy I bought to practice making the favors)....Unlike at the beach where temptation lurks around every freaking corner. And I do mean EVERY FREAKING corner.

Food wise, this weekend wasn't bad per se - but I also wasn't what you'd call the perfect dieting saint. My saving grace was Mel, Josh's mom who came uber prepared with lots of salad fixin's, veggies, and yogurt, nuts & fruit. I made healthy turkey chili to take along and over the course of the weekend, ate a shit ton of fiber in the way of beans. Unfortunately, I did not pack the Beano.

Need I say more?

I would have to say that over the three days we were away, I did GREAT during breakfast and lunch -  but, I will admit I had a couple minor slips ups.....ironically enough, more with sugar than grains. I have been Ok with staying away from bread, baked goods, etc.....but candy and ice cream are like two monkeys on my back that are constantly calling to me - especially when I am within eye-shot of Candy Kitchen or Kohrs Brothers......it's really amazing just how strong the cravings are. It's like the power of 1,000 woman hardcore PMSing.....no lie.

So my f-ups over the course of the weekend were having a small twist cone of ice cream, 2 pieces of Delmonico (mocha) candy and a few spoonfuls of saffron rice......oh, and a couple of Josh's Thrasher Fries because he dumped a bucket full of malt vinegar on them and I about shoved them up my nostrils they smelled so good. It's hard to resist when the scent of the person's food right next to you keeps wafting in your face.

But I am not kicking myself too hard because overall, I know I ate well (I am taking this nutritionist advice seriously but I also recognize I am human). I also exercised a lot over the weekend, even ended up going to the gym with Mel where I did 1/2 hour on the elliptical trainer and burned 300 calories in a shot (and probably more because I did weight machines afterwards). We also walked our asses off (I wish!) and I had a relatively lengthy bike ride Sunday morning....

Oh - and I forgot the best part.....we received an early Christmas gift from Josh's parents - A Wii!!! And Wii fitness!!!.....so we spent hours playing (and finding out just how lamely uncoordinated & out of shape we are).....and I kid you not when I say our arms were actually sore the next day. Wii boxing rocks!

Anyhoo, long story short is that I am sticking to plan this week.....trying to figure meals ahead of time so there is no guess work in what to eat in turn ensuring less potential for falling off the wagon. I am 100% committed.

Today I have a ton of reading & homework to attend to and will head out for a walk a little later or when Josh gets home. I always feel so rejuvenated when I get back from the beach because we exercise so much more when we're there.....I just need to keep it going. Not always the easiest thing to do, especially on mornings when I just want to stay in my snuggly warm robe and curl up on the couch. However, since wearing the snuggly warm robe at the wedding is not an option, this type of behavior isn't doing me any favors so it's outside I go......chilly temps or not.

Overall, I am just hoping for a good week.....and let's face it, a good weigh in on Friday. And as long as I remember what my ultimate goal is, I am confident I can do it!!!

WTF????

Ok....so I am feeling kind of......pissed today.

And I think I know why......

My weigh in this AM revealed two things about this diet I am currently on.

#1 - It really sucks - and....

#2 - It isn't working quite as well as I'd hoped.

I'm not sure what I was expecting as I stepped on the scale this morning but whatever it was, it's not what I got.

On Monday I weighed in at 222.3 and today I am down to a whopping 222.....so what the hell is that all about? Seriously????

In addition to the lack of weight loss I feel kind of gassy, sort of constipated and overall just a wee bit bitchy so maybe it's PMS....or maybe I just want a fucking carbohydrate.

I've done these sort of low carb diets before and normally they work but this time around my body has decided to give me shit about denying it the worlds best foods.....or what I deem the world's best foods to be anyway.

I'm not sure what I can do besides keep plugging away and see what happens with in the next week. I just know that if I don't see results by next Friday, I am having some freaking pizza.

As far as I can tell, I have been pretty good with my eating....and I am even trying to stay away from sugar so that the fat I am consuming (in place of carbs) doesn't stick to my ass like glue. But maybe I need to completely cut it out all together???? 

I have no idea....the nutritionist didn't seem concerned about sugar, ironically enough. She was all about staying away from grains, rice, pasta, and flour. She told me I could have my Edie's Fruit Bars.....was I wrong then to assume a small square of dark chocolate was not allowed???

For the first time in my life I am actually confused about food. This is irritating because despite my size, I DO know my nutrition facts and I am an avid label reader. I'm not that clueless schmuck who thinks that getting a serving a dairy means going through the drive through at Wendy's and ordering up a Frosty....

I know that there are good fats and bad fats and eating avacado provides you with good fat but a Big Mac? Not so good....

I also know that a serving size of salad dressing is 2 Tbsp, not a 1/2 cup....(and I will say that although I know this fact, I have a hard time getting through a gigantic salad with a measly 2 Tbsp of dressing!!! So, I usually don't).

My head GETS what I am supposed to do here - so why is my body acting all confused?

Granted, I weighed in a day early and not that I think I am going to miraculously lose something like 10 lbs overnight - but maybe tomorrow morning will be better.

The thing is, I will be at the beach with no scale (for 3 days!!! Help!) and I am really, really, REALLY worried about being there with all of that temptation and being able to stay on track.

But, on the flip side of the coin, I realize the choice is mine and I am choosing to stay focused...

Tomorrow is one year and counting from my wedding day (hard to believe)...and I know that deep down, although the Kohr's Brother's soft serve ice cream and Fisher's caramel popcorn (oh, how I love you both so very, very much) may call my name louder than they ever have before, I will politely ignore their unrelenting pleas to be eaten and shove my face with lettuce instead.....or maybe an apple, since lettuce doesn't exactly travel well......

Anyway, week one down down.....who knows how many more to go???

All I know is I have 87 pounds worth of fat to shed......and I will do it.

Change is in the air!

A new week has begun!

It's a cool crisp Monday morning and I feel surprisingly rested and motivated to start the day and tackle the gagillion things I have on my to do list.

Maybe it's the start of a new season that has me so jazzed....I love the fall almost as much as I love the summer but in addition to cooler temperatures, nights by the fire pit and leaves cascading from the sky, there is, too, the temptation for comfort foods to become a part of the weekly dinner fare and that is the one reason to fear fall as much as I embrace it.

This fall however, I am forced to make some changes in my behavior that have been traditionally exercised as a welcome to autumn....

No more drinking vats of Octoberfest Ale, or making a pumpkin roll to have as a "just because" dessert. No warm loaves of bread to accompany a hot spicy bowl of steaming chili.....

These are things of the past.....at least for now.

This past Friday I had a visit to the nutritionist that my FMIL recommended. She was extremely expensive and by the end of the session didn't really tell me all that much that I didn't already know in terms of nutritional information. But she did provide me with a few key tidbits that have made me realize that this battle with weight loss can be won. 

Today I am a newly determined warrior ready to beat the ever loving crap out of my fat cells.....

Prepare to die (or at least shrink) you assholes.

Friday's appointment revealed some good and some bad things about my body. I was given a print out of my body mass test and I can assure you it wasn't the best news I have ever been given - but it also wasn't the worst.

In terms of good news, what I learned on Friday was that I have a surprisingly decent resting metabolism, meaning I can no longer blame my bulk on a sluggish calorie burn (damn). 

I also learned that despite my Stay Puff Marshmallow exterior, underneath it all, I am still a brick shit house as my mother calls me - meaning I have relatively decent lean muscle mass. As a matter of fact - my lean muscle mass numbers are smack dab in the middle of where they should be, so at least I am not all squishy fat with zero muscle tone underneath. The problem is, it needs to be excavated which is where I step in.

The bad news is that at 5'0", I am 52% fat with a BMI of 44 and that is horrendous. The morbid obesity diagnosis doesn't surprise me one bit, but to see it all printed out and handed to you by a woman with a 2" gap between her legs who has probably never experienced thigh rub in her life was, well, a bit embarrassing.

So I need to get down to 204 lbs before I am out of that "morbid" range which leaves me with just under 20 lbs to whittle down before I get there.

The nutritionist's scale had me at 225 on Friday afternoon and my scale says I am down to 222.3 this AM so that's a positive sign.

Diet wise, the news is grim. I have been put on a grain-free diet (the same one my FMIL was put on).....so the bread, pasta, flour, rice and all that carb-laden grainy goodness I love with a passion has been kicked to the curb until we find out if I actually have an insulin resistance.

She didn't specify sugar but by cutting out so much of that other bad stuff, it automatically gets significantly reduced. But until they tell me I have to give up my Edies Fruit Bars, I'm sticking with them as my dessert of choice. 80 calories and fabulous!

That doesn't mean I am going to eat shit like candy corn 'til the cows come home - I promise that I will choose my sugars wisely......

In addition to all of this nutritionist stuff, I am being given a battery of blood tests that will reveal a whole lot more and will determine what the actual doctor is going to tell me when I meet with him Nov 16. This is where it could get interesting.

I'm not hoping for anything bad but I AM curious what the blood tests will reveal, if anything.

Wouldn't it be a kick in the pants if absolutely NOTHING was wrong and it turns out I am just a big lazy fat ass?

I am not ruling this diagnosis out, you know.....

Whatever the case may be, the short of it is that meeting with the nutritionist gave me a new perspective on my situation, allowing me get some base line info so that I am able to refocus my efforts and get back on track....because we all know it's been a while.

The restrictive diet, while not my favorite, is a necessary evil. I'm happy I was put on it because it really makes me focus on what I put in my mouth as opposed to just shoving anything in that was within my grasp. Josh and I even went to Sonic over the weekend and I had a salad. Trust me when I say that prior to Friday, that shit would have NEVER happened!

But I am OK with all of it - the diet, the need to exercise, the change of season, and really, the change of life (and life-style).

The wedding is exactly one year and 4 days away......what better time to reveal the new me?

You can't handle the truth!!!!!

Happy Friday.

I know it's been a while....and that's because of a few reasons which I will get to in just a moment.

I will first start by saying it's been a hell of a week mainly due to school related issues. This semester's classes, or really just one of the two I am taking is a real bear and a half and is making me seriously question whether or not I am completely out of my mind trying to get into this whole teaching profession. The class tackles some very interesting and thought provoking material and truly challenges one's critical thinking skills but the professor is a complete brainiac and bottom line is, the class is difficult as shit but I really need an A which I fear will not be forthcoming.

I am also currently on a shitty generic form of birth control pills that my gyno recently revealed to me were legally not supposed to be released to the market just yet and there have been some, well, issues with it (um, whaaaat???). Basically it's been wreaking havoc on my system, making me think I was pregnant and then causing me to have 2 periods only 2 weeks apart - so now I just feel like I want to laugh, cry, kill people and eat chocolate all at the same time.

Don't even get me started about my wedding DJ issues....I can sum it up as follows: Food hoarding lesbian vs. poor man's Billy Dee Williams with flashing light maracas. Yikes.

So, yes, I'm kind of stressed to the max and instead of tackling the gigantic project I have to do for this class due on Thursday, I sit here hiding behind the safety and familiarity of writing my blog because at least that isn't being graded.....

Or is it?

One of the main reasons I haven't written in over a week, other than being buried eyeball deep in homework, is that I received some critical feedback this week from my BFF who wrote me a rather intense e-mail (in her words, out of love and concern) regarding both my weight issue as well as the fact my blog is peppered with a lot of excuses about why I haven't done anything about it. Ouch.

It made me re-evaluate the blog and openly acknowledge that it's pretty much become a venting board for me - sort of an online diary if you will - but one that originally had a goal set in mind and the subject matter I posted in this blog was intended to document the journey I was having in reaching that goal. 

Technically, I'm still doing that - however, "the journey" is basically synonymous with "my life" and, well, this is how my life is going. It hasn't exactly been butterflies and rainbows and happy little chirping birds as far as dropping pounds goes - obviously. 

In reality, it's sucked some serious ass.

There is nothing I would like more than with each post, to talk about how much weight I've lost and how great it's all going and how easy it's all been. But the truth is, it's NOT going that way - There HAVE been pitfalls - I DO make excuses - I DO try to work out and then get horribly sore - I DO eat some bad things. I fall off the wagon, repeatedly and HARD. 

Does that mean I don't want to lose weight? 

No - it just means I have a hard time doing the things I know I need to do in order to get there.

The point is, I know I am not alone on this. It doesn't make me a bad person because I haven't done the things I know I need to do; it's the fact that I haven't done them that's bad. There are plenty of people in the world who have the desire to lose weight that simply find it unbelievably difficult to do. Are we weak? Are we failures? What is it exactly that prevents us from reaching our goal (besides the pizza and beer?).

I suppose I sometimes inadvertently forget I invited others to take a look at this blog and make comments at will. The whole purpose of sharing is to get feedback, support and in theory, provide me with motivation to keep at it because I know others are rooting me on. But I guess the "rooting on" can only happen if I am doing what I said I was setting out to do.

Ultimately I know that this entire fat-shedding chore lies solely on me -  and it is me and only me that can dig deep inside myself to take the desire I know I have and put it into action in order to get this weight off.

All the people in the world can cheer me on, but if I don't physically take the necessary steps it takes in order to lose weight (eat better, exercise, see a doctor), it just ain't happenin'. 

I will admit that after reading Sheryl's e-mail I felt more like a failure than anything and seriously reconsidered taking the blog down and just writing privately, for myself. And then I thought about it some more and realized that when I began posting this blog, I was in essence signing up for scrutiny and understand that when you put yourself out there, you have to take the bad with the good. After all, if everyone told me I was doing great even though I was shoving my face full of Butterscotch Krimpets, what good would that do me?

At the end of the day, once the smoke cleared and the sting of the e-mail slap wore off, I started to seriously ponder the reasons why, after nearly 5 months of me writing this thing, I haven't really done anything significant in order to lose more than just 10 lbs?

(Weighing in at 221.25 this AM, by the way).

I am nowhere closer to the answers now than I was before but I have made a few strides in the right direction this week that I hope will point me where I need to go and lead me toward "the light" so to speak.

As for now, since I have put off my homework for far too long, I'll save the story of those positive strides for the next post. 

Stay tuned....

 

Gluteus MAXIMUS indeed!

Did you know that your ass is the largest muscle in the body? 

If you don't believe me, go ahead and Google it - or better yet - go and do the wedding workout DVD I did yesterday and you will arrive at the easy conclusion that the large body part that is throbbing and sore and following you everywhere you go is in fact your ass muscle and Christ Almighty you had no idea it covered this much of your body because, right now?  A whole hell of a lot of you hurts. That muscle is massive.

By the way, my thighs are not feeling the best they ever have either.....Holy Hamstrings!

Suffice it to say those Rodale peeps know what they're doing. If their main mission is to shed the ass and thigh fat of brides 'round the globe, I think they have the formula down pat...

Ouch.

While I may be in a bit of pain, I'm not totally incapacitated so I won't let the fact that every time I try to sit down it feels like my thigh muscles are ripping apart deter me from exercising today. I'm not saying I am going to do that video again today (because despite what people say about me, I am not insane). I do think my lower body needs to recover from yesterday's abuse, but I can still take a walk (even if I hobble) and tackle the upper body portion of the DVD today.....

Just don't expect an entry tomorrow since I am sure my arms will feel like lead balloons, rendering any typing ability I currently have to be useless. At least for 24 hours.

My hope is that by getting into an exercise habit that is varied and interesting (and that I can feel is working) will trigger healthier eating because I won't lie.....I continue (OBVIOUSLY) to struggle there. Badly.

I had a conversation with my friend Melissa the other day and we were talking about weight loss and the whole enigma surrounding why it's so hard to do this??? After all, we know what the downside of being overweight is and we both want to shed the poundage but something is preventing it from happening (I mean something other than the peanut M & M's I had before class last night). I'm talking about the mental click that needs to happen.

For whatever reason, I honestly do not think that "click" has happened to me yet and I cannot for the life of me figure out why?

There's a whole schpiel I could go into about body acceptance and yadda, yadda, yadda but I don't buy into it. I know there are women out there who are large and in charge and are genuinely ok with that. I just don't think I am one of them because I do have the desire to be thinner, I just don't know if I have the desire to get thinner.....and that is a huge problem.

Getting thinner takes a lot of hard work.

When I hurdle baby goals such as being in Target last night and picking up about 7 different bags of Halloween candy as I shopped but then putting them all back, I think to myself that I know I CAN do this and I DO have the willpower to say no to bad things. At times. Again, let's revisit the peanut M & M's I ate before class. They were a quick fix, tasted good but where did they get me?

There are many times when I don't say no when I know I should and those times seem to outweigh (by about 223.2 lbs) the good choices I make. I desperately need to reverse that behavior, but it's really fucking hard! 

Sheryl has been pushing the Weight Watchers thing on me lately (so much so that I secretly think she must be moonlighting for them) but it's 40 bucks a month and that's a lot for someone who is unemployed and planning a wedding. With every payment of WW dues I would be mentally racking up other things I could be doing with that money - so no, I don't think WW is the answer for me. At least not right now. Besides I have been there so many times and have all the tools at my finger tips that if I really wanted to do WW, I could follow it right here at home. 

I know that diet and exercise is really the only way this ass 'o' mine is going to shrink. It's not what I want to hear but I know it to be true and whether or not I choose to ignore it, that's the fact. I can't change it. I can bitch about it and complain and pretend God is playing a cruel joke on me, but I know the truth.....

Fat won't leave on it's own. You have to kick it out and fight with it until it gives up and goes away. It's a fight but I have no doubt that it's well worth it in the end.

I've decided I'm going wedding dress shopping the beginning of October (about 2 months ahead of my pre-planned schedule). I figure both the arrival of the one year mark as well as facing the Great White head on will maybe be the catalyst I have been searching for....

Only one way to find out.....

Sweat is a dirty word.....

Well, I know I'm out of shape but this is freaking ridiculous....

As I am sitting here typing this, I have rivers of sweat rolling down my chest and back and am pretty sure I smell on par with some sort of African wildebeest.

I should explain that it's not the typing activity that's got me all hot and sweaty - that would be pathetic.  But about 20 minutes ago I started doing Rodale's Wedding Workout for the lower body and ladies and gentleman, that shit kicked my ass.... and I wasn't even through 3 minutes of the cardio section. Now that is embarrassing.

I should have realized I wasn't up for the DVD's full kit and kaboodle when after only the warm up section, I felt like I had just run a half marathon. But I, brazen and bold, continued on to the lower body workout (not fully comprehending there was an additional cardio section following this particular round of thigh and ass torture) and suffice it to say it's been a hell of a long time since I have felt this sort of burn on certain parts of my body that this video touched upon today.

Sitting here at the safety of my laptop, I fear that if I start up the DVD again and attempt to finish this I may be incapacitated for the rest of the night, and since I have class, that would be a bad thing. 

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?

I doubt I'd even be able to finish it.....seriously - my legs are completely gelatinous at the moment. Attempting to perform a lunge or squat right now holds a good chance of landing me in the hospital, as any moves testing my balancing ability would without a doubt cause me to careen into the sharp cornered coffee table. Hello Concussion -  here I come!!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around why I chose this DVD over walking today. As Josh left for work this morning, in addition to his usual kiss goodbye, he gave me a verbal list of things he thought I should do today.

Not only should I have a good day (check!) but I should also get my reading done for school (check!), call the doctor (check!) and take a walk.....(Uh, whoops - no check???).

So after completing my philosophy reading which was a complete snoozefest, I figured I needed something to keep me from flat lining. It was at this time I recalled Josh's list and considered heading outside for my walk. 

Then I took a glimpse in the mirror.

A quick glance at my uncombed wild bird's nest hair, purple spandex shorts and ill fitting polyester lime green tank top caused me to re-evaluate my workout plan and I decided it might best serve the general public if I stayed in the privacy of my own home to exercise today.

That's when the wedding DVD caught my eye.....

My thighs are still begging for mercy.

But there is something good that came of this.....

I tried to exercise....relatively of my own free will. And I know that if I continue to do this daily it will get easier.

I'm holding fast at 223.6 lbs today and with less than 13 months to go until the wedding, I really don't have much of a choice. I will either be a fat bride or not but I know the choice is mine and mine alone.

So, beginning today, I exercise - whether it's 10 minutes or an hour and 10 minutes...I will do something. And I will try to keep it interesting.....and believe me, I am sure at the very least that I look rather interesting in some of these positions I have been forced to assume for these floor exercises. Me doing pelvic thrusts in purple spandex has no place in this universe....

Oh well....

It's almost time to attempt to climb the stairs and get into the shower.....the time to leave for class is fast approaching.

Legs, don't fail me now......

The camera kills.

For the love of God - I am so sick of seeing unflattering pictures of myself!!! Especially when they are posted on places such as Facebook by other people and the embarrassing broadcast of my triple chins and arm fat are completely out of my control. 

This latest freak out stems from a visit I paid to an old friend from high school over the weekend. She of course asked her husband to take a picture of the two of us together, for old times sake. Except for me, these aren't like old times; they're fatter times, and I'd rather forgo any unnecessary documentation of them, especially when positioned next to someone much thinner and way more athletic than I. 

Unfortunately, sometimes there is no polite way to get out of these photo op situations, so I tried to be as gracious as possible by sitting on the couch next to my friend to oblige her, as opposed to running out the front door, car keys in hand, screaming at the top of my lungs. 

It's bad enough I had to endure this photo session, but what made matters worse was that there was absolutely no opportunity to get up and readjust myself from the protruding belly fat position I was sitting in to make myself look thinner - even if only to smooth out a few obvious lumps. So, I sat, quite uncomfortably while trying to cover my gut with my hands and angle my head in a way I thought (or hoped) wouldn't make me resemble Jabba the Hut. Then I prayed for the best.

I can confidently say that my prayers were most definitely not answered. I can only assume God must have been on a bathroom break. 

While my face is all smiles on the outside, on the inside I am thinking to myself, get this shit over with already so I can steal your camera and destroy the evidence. And rightfully so. The picture reveals more chins than I care to note as well as my big 'ole bare arm which looks like I have a rubber band around my wrist -  which I do not. Meaning I have way too much arm chub for the size of my much smaller and daintier on the inside wrist bones to handle. 

The worst part is I have hunted high and low to find as flattering of a HEAD SHOT as humanly possible for my Facebook profile because no one in their right mind at 5' 0" and 222 lbs wants a full body shot for the world to see. Now, it's been spectacularly showcased on my profile page for me. Thanks so much, old friend.

I could just delete it I suppose. But then isn't that like running away from the problem at hand?

This IS the way I look after all. I can deny it all I want but the photos don't lie, no matter how hard I wish they would. I could post all the (what I deem) flattering head shots I want but the reality is that head in those shots is connected to something and that something happens to be my body. And my body happens to be, hello - that's right - FAT!

This is not new news here.

As always, this of course gets me thinking about my wedding day photos and how upset it would make me to look like this in them. I know there's no avoiding the camera that day so I better figure out how to make sure it looks like me wearing that white dress and not Jabba.

I have been back on my walking routine and trying to do at least 2 miles a day (6 laps around the town square). The ipod is charged and chock full of good work out tunes so I have some motivation there. It's amazing how good I feel after I walk but it's the actual getting out there that I sometimes struggle with. This computer has become such a distraction which is a tremendously lame excuse but right now, it's the only one I have. 

So, with that said, I suppose I should log off and get my day started. I'm at least on a healthy food kick today. Egg beaters with Weight Watchers shredded cheese and a 100 calorie english muffin with spray butter for breakfast which should last me for quite some time, given it was well protein packed.

I have to run to the grocery store later and am going to try very hard to stay away from all processed food this week.....sticking with whole foods and reducing carbs. 

That's about it....at least I feel good about having a plan. Now all I have to do is stick with it!!!!

E.P.T. - Elevated Panic Test

This past Friday, I breathed forth the heaviest sigh of relief that I have ever done in my life. I am talking about a sigh so powerful, the breath that was expelled from my mouth could have easily knocked over a small child, or at the very least a tea cup chihuahua.

Speaking of small child, allow me to elaborate: 

In my nearly 26 or so years of having the misfortune of experiencing quite possibly the worst part of being a woman (Hello?? Who in their right mind actually enjoys being on the rag??? I dare you to raise your hand.), I had been fortunate enough to never have had to take a pregnancy test. That is, until this week rolled around.

While my sexual past isn't exactly littered with bad decisions, I can openly admit that there have been times I wasn't always the most careful about baby prevention, which I know is really stupid but I think I can safely assume most of us have been there at least once in our lifetimes where we let the throws of passion dictate our behaviors instead of interrupting them with thoughts of potential dirty diapers and breast pumps.

But that was then and this is now. I'm in a mutual loving relationship with the man I am going to marry and have taken careful responsibility to prevent all things baby-esque by taking the pill so that by NO MEANS would Josh and I become parents before we were absolutely and positively ready. Like as in AFTER the wedding, and preferably AFTER I graduate in about 2 - 2 1/2 years.

So imagine my panic when this month after taking not the only the first, second, and third but also fourth white sugar pill in the pack, there was still not even the faintest hint that Aunt Flo might be coming to town? Normally the bitch whirls in like a hurricane, making my boobs feel like Muhammed Ali used them for his own personal punching bags. My mood goes from happy and even keel to being more on par with the cuss-word and pea soup spewing Regan a la The Excorcist. My poor uterus has the sensation of being twisted like a piece of Twizzlers and then savagely ripped from whatever connective tissue that keeps it securely in my body preventing it from sliding out the birth canal along right with the red river it produces.

Could I paint a prettier picture for y'all? Didn't think so.

The pill has relieved those horrific symptoms a little bit but they still rear their ugly head from time to time. But right now, the pill seems to be the most convenient, cheap and reliable form of birth control so I am sticking with it, despite Josh's kind offer to go get "snipped".

After all, I don't want to rule the idea of a baby out permanently - but I sure as shit don't want one now while in the middle of planning my wedding. 

I am not sure where the problem stemmed from this month other than the fact I have just switched to a generic form of Ortho-Tricyclen-Lo. I supposed it can take a while for your body to adjust to a new pill but I assumed (um, wrongfully) that because it was a generic form of what I was already taking, the transition would be a smooth as a baby's bottom - pun intended.

Apparently this generic pill had a mind of it's own and for reason's unknown decided to scare the ever loving crap out of me by waiting until nearly the end of the sugar pill week to produce meager signs of an impending period. Three pee stick tests, a crying jag and a few panicked phone calls to trusted friends to talk me down off the ledge later, and finally, a sign came that the title "Mommy" was not one I needed to add to my resume just yet.

While this little experience brought my stress levels to an all new high, I don't walk away from it with out taking a few important things with me.

Firstly, I am ever so thankful to have a life partner in Josh, who was more than ready and willing to accept this possible little bump in the road (or belly), so to speak with both a sound mind and apparent enthusiasm. I didn't think it was possible to love him more but after this experience I know that whatever life hands us, we can handle it and I have the most wonderful person standing by my side, through thick and thin. 

And, speaking of thick and thin, I have also learned one other very important thing regarding this future glimpse into possible motherhood. The thing that scared me the most about a possible pregnancy, other than the fact that the timing would have been less than desirable, was that having a baby at my current weight would be an absolute disaster. I weighed in yesterday at a very thick 221.8 lbs and by no means would this 5' 0" body be able to hold baby weight on top of all that already exists.

My panic over gaining weight was so severe that I found myself actually thinking about ways I could still diet while pregnant. Sad, isn't it? Let's starve the baby because of our own years long stupidity, shall we?

So it's safe to say that being thin is an important goal not just for the wedding but for so many other things, pregnancy included, which I never even considered until now. Amazing!

I also need to mention that I have an amazing support system of friends who at any given time are there with words of comfort, encouragement and quite often much needed humor in not only times like these, but always and that is why I have asked each of them to stand up with me at my wedding, despite the fact that Josh and I aren't going with a traditional wedding party.

All told, this past week taught me a great deal about myself. How I feel about having kids, what my greatest fears are in terms of being a parent, what consequences I face if I don't lose weight, and what positive things I have in my life that matter the most when life throws me curve balls, even if they end up to be imaginary.

So perhaps being a mom isn't on my agenda just yet and that's fine with me. I think I have my plate full enough already and really need to work on lessening that load first, both literally and figuratively.

As I start a new week, I feel oddly renewed. Could this be the fresh start I have been looking for?